Bring4th

wow, it's coming up to the end of November, so another Year is almost done.  2015 is coming to a close.

And even though it's an artificial endpoint, it does offer an opportunity to look back on what we've done, and where we might be headed.

So just a few questions, more for self-prompting and self-reflection.  If you want to post a public reply, then that's great - otherwise they are more for self-observation, imo.

1) what do you think is the most important thing you learnt about yourself in 2015?

2) do you feel more empowered and confident with your life compared to a year ago?

3) is there one memory/experience that will go into your "Best Of' for 2015?

4) is your heart more open or closed compared to a year ago?

5) is there someone you would like to thank for some experience/interaction that particularly stands out in 2015?

/ /

just my answers:

1) what do you think is the most important thing you learnt about yourself in 2015?

That it's actually possible to experience phases of joy that are more than just momentary.  Part of this is balancing enough of the remaining lower chakra blockages that the Light is free to play in the higher centres.

2) do you feel more empowered and confident with your life compared to a year ago?

yes, definitely so.

3) is there one memory/experience that will go into your "Best Of' for 2015?

yes, Homecoming was a treasure.  I spent the better part of a day with Sabou and his friend on the Friday, before the event got started.  We had a blast in downtown Louisville, and when the day ended (after the first session of Homecoming), I remember being in my room and thinking - that was one of the best days of my Life.  It was an extraordinarily beautiful day.


4) is your heart more open or closed compared to a year ago?

more open.  One of the blockages I worked on this year was the death of my Aunt when I was just a youngster, maybe 5 or 6 years old.  I think I loved this Aunt more than my own mother - my Mother was a little distant emotionally and affectionately.  I've never fully comprehended the depth of the scarring, and the sense of mistrust and abandonment that happened after this event.

But this was a personal Healing that was quite significant.

5) is there someone you would like to thank for some experience/interaction that particularly stands out in 2015?

Gary Bean.  Who, when all is said and done, will be a Legend when the story of how Earth transitioned from 3d to 4d is told.  As the head of L/L Research, he is a beacon of integrity, commitment, faith, and perfectly matched talent to his task.

I want to thank him for sharing his time with me during my Homecoming trip.  We enjoyed a particularly funny HBO special with Austin, Yera, etc etc.

Thank you.

1) what do you think is the most important thing you learnt about yourself in 2015?
That I am much more dependant on others for my physical, mental and emotional well being than I could have possibly imagined or admitted to.  I am not as self sufficient and autonomous as I once thought.

I learnt that I need to take greater responsibility for myself and my health.  

I need to be more open, stop pushing people away and take more risks in my life.  I want greater intimacy in my life.

I feel like I have taken a lot for granted. 

I am so human it hurts.

2) do you feel more empowered and confident with your life compared to a year ago?
I feel more fragile, scared and weak in comparison to a year ago.  I am exhausted.

3) is there one memory/experience that will go into your "Best Of' for 2015?
No.

4) is your heart more open or closed compared to a year ago?
I don’t think it is more open.  It certainly doesn't feel that way.  It is either the same or it is more closed.  Suppressed emotions and thoughts tend to do that when they begin to surface.  Unbearable.  

5) is there someone you would like to thank for some experience/interaction that particularly stands out in 2015?
One of the counsellors I was seeing, for her kindness, sensitivity and loving touch.  I miss you and will never forget the time we shared.  Your service does not go unnoticed.  

In a more general sense, I would like to thank my family and friends for helping me better understand myself and the areas that need work.  I need you more than you know and more than I'm willing or able to express.  

And of course, last but certainly not least, I would like to thank the members of Bring4th and L/L Research, you guys bring comfort and warmth into my life.  Just thinking about this place and it’s member lifts my heart. I feel a lot of affection for the people here.  I wish I could have attended homecoming and actually looked into the eyes of everybody.

-Contemplates for two days if I dare-

I do.

1) what do you think is the most important thing you learnt about yourself in 2015?
That I'm beautiful, perfect, and just fine as is.  That even in ugliness I'm beautiful.  Even in horror I'm beautiful.  Even in Hell I'm beautiful.  Perfect.  Fine...As is.  Always.  I still hurt.  But I'm okay, I don't mind.  Sometimes.

But it wasn't that in itself, I learned that last year before the year end.  No, this year taught me levels and levels of depth.

That everything is beautiful, and perfect.  Even monsters, madness, darkness, and horror.  In their own unique ways as with everything and anything.

2) do you feel more empowered and confident with your life compared to a year ago?
Mm..yes and no.  I feel confident I'll manage now (didn't a year ago). I however feel weak, very weak.  Futile perhaps.  I feel like I'm a futile meaningless part of my own Being.

But the really messy part is, that feels like...I'm supposed to.  I'm supposed to be this way right now.  I'm learning.  Suffering...but dealing.  Learning.  That I'm nothing.  Empty.  But everything.  Fulfilled.  I'm a paradox.  Its hard to explain, I'm a simple complex person.  I understand my bright side, I might surpress it heavily lately, but I'm basking in chaos.  Drowning in the ocean of life.

I am alive.  I'm useless.  I'm perfect.  I'm nothing.  I'm...  I'm feeling pretty confident, but like I'm fighting a losing battle.  An underdog.  Or I'm fighting overwhelming odds.  I feel weak.

Maybe because I used to think I was so strong.

3)Is there one memory/experience that will go into your "Best Of' for 2015?
Best of??

There is a major worse of!  I wonder if my life review will literally slow down at those various points as I so surely declared OIC and myself the worst imaginable things to ever in anyway be at all.  Many weeks of isolated anger pouring out of me were spent around April and May.  I blew up.  So badly I still feel my own anger in my living room lingering.  My despair literally chokes the air in my room now, the moment I 'realized' I was in Hell...

That's the worst.  Forget the above, I completely didn't even think about it, when I concluded I was literally 'In It' (In Hell) it was bad.  Extremely bad.  I think I cried and broke down that whole day, I remember I looked in the mirror and saw something else that was just a broken piece of myself just dead and begging to know why it had to be that way at all...

Still somedays.  I feel like I see that part of me hanging on my sleeves, just under the skin.  I guess I broke that day.  That was the day I swore off Work in Consciousness, realized how worthless I actually was in life.

The day I went to Hell, and got a clue lol.

But!  The best memory!  Is...Personal and Sexual in nature and cannot be shared.  And pales in comparison to my Worst experience anyways.

But hopefully in a few days I'll have talked to my son...and it won't go horribly (it won't!  I will make it not horrible!  I hope...) and maybe that'll be better than just these things...

4)Is your heart more open or closed compared to a year ago?
Its shattered apparently.  I'm just numb to it now and sense it as a blockage.  I'd say it happened when I had my worse monent of the year.  Just took me...  7 months to finally discover it.

Soooooooo.  I thought I would originally just say it was more closed.
No.  Apparently.  I went and 'shattered' it.

:l . . . Oops.

5) is there someone you would like to thank for some experience/interaction that particularly stands out in 2015?

I'd like to thank Yera for watching me go insane.  Had I not someone else to view myself through, I'd probably have just lost my mind to madness.  Oh, she's also really nice to talk to, and honest.  That honesty was 90% literally the reason I even let her see any of that.

Would like to thank my cat.  She eye gazed with me at the beginning of the year, was pretty profound.  Its a bit intimidating at first but that melts away.

Would like to thank my Mom for driving me insane constantly.  She's a good person who just sucks at being not cruel generically...  specifically by always acting like I'm literally too stupid to comprehend a sentence spoken fluidly. Enunciates to me like I'm a child, still threatens me with things of that nature.  Its old.  I forgave and forgave and forgave and gave up.  Nothing changed.  So now I just avoid her.  Work nights, sleep all day.  Pay rent, and stick to my room.

I'm not independent so I do love, appreciate, and consider her often, but truly I mean this nicely.

She is one of those people that nothing is good enough, if something is wrong no one is happy.

I've had to make some things painfully clear to her just this past month.

Now, I just sit in my room avoiding her as much as possible, told her to leave me alone, don't buy stuff for me, don't do stuff for me, Basically leave me alone, I'm a roommate now, not your son.

It didn't sit too well but she leaves me alone finally.  And for that I thank her too.

Would also like to thank you, Plenum, as well as Steve the IT guy, Gary and Austin.  Or basically L/L.  I don't have a fancy givingthanks post in me to give though.  Just an honest point to be made.

Yall sit where you are, see me going Looney tunes and you keep modest.  Haven't insulted me.  Have offered help the entire way (at least by not moderating me, at most by accepting me) and grand friiggen saintly levels of patience as I cause amuck upon your forums.

Thank you.  From both the pit of my stomach and my heart.  Thank you, everyone here who's been helpful.  Thoughtful.  Kindly.  Considerate.  Empathic.  Insert Adverb here. Heartfelt-genuine peeps and folks.

Even if sometimes I disagree with even Q'uotes and the Ra Material, you guys got the views to reconnoiter that into still something useful for me to learn from.

I'm sorry for the negativity.  Though I dislike the view of just generic moral negativity, it has its uses in teaching.  And mine gives me many clues.

I hope its helped someone see that they are not alone too...

Billy.  I hope much intimacy comes your way.  I really hope you don't find it with a manipulator or a generally uncaring person.  I miss intimacy more than I miss sex >->.
And duuude.  I...heh, I really miss sex (well, Love, but...  You know )
Bring on the intimacy for thy Billy, Universe (because he's a cool dude, but you proly already knew that )