Bring4th

I don't believe in God. But if I did, I'd feel damned to Earth. I wouldn't have nice things to say to God, about God. When I was in Guatemala for a supposed "final journey", I heard from someone about how the Buddha could meditate for years in the forest with the ecosystem using, but preserving, his body in harmony with the natural tasks of the creatures and lifeforms around him. In Guatemala, I hesitated to kill insects and bugs but I did it anyway...as part of the many tasks to fulfill my journey and also sometimes I killed them for my survival and out of cautiousness. Today, in the present, I still do it because I cannot allow pests to live where I live. I'm very dissociated with the world, and have been for years now. So I usually do what I do daily, but I figuratively sit back and think...(or I imagine the scenario): what if I had to kill another person out of necessity?
Why?
Why do we live these lives? Why did we have to be here? I hate this world  I hate the things we have to do. I hate the things we have to go through just for some stupid reason whatever it is. "The veil". "Losing automatic communication with God". "The big bang that created everything". "[Whatever else]".

I hate that no one can help me. I hate that anyone who has transcended from Earth doesn't end the struggle of life, and basically leaves us. I don't understand this world anymore. Why we act the way we do. Why we have emotions. I don't understand what it's for. Why is it in us? Why is anything in us, anything inherently human? I want to hit things, break things, make loud noises when I do, but as I restrain myself I think and imagine, and I don't understand what good effect the anger would have. It doesn't make sense that it could have a good effect. I'm not allowed to break things, and any reparation would be another bother. And yet I'm lead to believe - through the thoughts that I've had - that maybe this would be like the release of a pain, the same way you might release yourself from pain if you didn't continue to hold your hand dangerously close above a fire. But I can't get myself to "release" anything as it would be stupid and embarrassing. Nobody would understand why I'd do something like that, I'm not good at immediately explaining things in full and in a sensible way. At least not verbally.

My mood has changed. But that happens. Just because I swim toward shallow waters doesn't mean "the deep" stops existing.
I doubt any of you will know who I was or have a familiarity of who I am on bring4th, so the introduction at the start of this thread probably was out of place, having incomplete information.
I wanted to vent. I wanted to help bring4th at any rate, but specifically in typing this I imagined you readers would have a positive, loving response - a feeling of understanding and reassuring me that things would be okay. However, it's possible that my thinking is out of touch with reality: in actuality, this might all seem like embarrassing rambling to have read. That's fine. We'll have a mutual misunderstanding of each other then.

You can comment on whatever I wrote, with whatever you have in mind. As usual I'll probably read the responses/thread and say nothing. Maybe what I really want is to see how the community attends to this, so I can feel like I belong here. Maybe I just wanted to let some of you know a bit about me, or offer you something-sort-of-personal to read that would push you guys a bit more together (or maybe that's just something I  need, push myself to you all). I guess it's better than staying silent. Thread ignored if necessary (this sentence is damage control (nobody knows who I am anyways, but that's the sad part as well)).

That "Post Thread" button was nervousness. "What if they ignore it?" Well then I'll just know this was an irrelevant thread, or the reader was busy; if nobody else comments maybe they had nothing to say. Still some people might think I'm embarrassing.
I don't want to clog up threads with things like this. Mods can go ahead and move this if it's not in the right sub-forum, I'll probably see if they do. If you have to delete it (...for some reason), go ahead.

edit: it'll probably be moved to "olio"

I've thought about saying that God is what experiences. That the answer to your whys is that it is desired and that each of us ever experience what we desire to experience, that all things come to heal with time and understand they desired their fate to be as it was, that others never were external nor in disharmony with you.

I am not sure these things are helpful to you yet I write them because they are what came to my mind as I read. I will also wish you well in your healing and that you may come to find peace with yourself and the world that surrounds you.

Hey Unir1,

I commend your honesty. And I don't blame you for feeling that way one bit. Life can be really really difficult and frustrating. It can also be really beautiful and magnificent under the right conditions.

In regards to the purpose of life, the only thing I can say is that confusion is a big part of the 3rd density experience, unfortunately. That is probably the hardest thing to deal with in this world -- the confusion of not knowing who we really are.

So I guess I would say that figuring out who we are is the purpose of this life, and incidentally, it is often the hardest thing in the world to really figure out or understand on a very deep and visceral level. It is one thing to intellectually think about, but quite another to really feel it's reality. Ultimately, we come to understand that who we really are is love. It doesn't make the suffering necessarily go away, but it seems to soothe some of the confusion to a small degree.

The only thing we can do is make the best of what we have. Perhaps we can't turn our lives into the spiritual utopia we dream of, but even small steps towards the positive are still progress.

Sometimes expressing our frustration helps us heal. Sometimes breaking a few chairs is necessary as part of the healing process.  

The thing I want to comment on is your feelings regarding the anger. Anger has a purpose. Anger can be "righteous". Expressing anger can lead to greater acts. As Ra says, where one finds patience, they must find impatience and give them equal validity. So for you, where you see "calm" as valuable, you should learn to see the value in anger. If I see someone hurting a child, "calm" isn't going to help the situation - "anger" is. Anger gets things done. Anger can be used for good or bad. Breaking a chair, eh that's a pretty neutral use of anger, I wouldn't feel too guilty about it. Accepting it as a valid emotion and learning to channel it into positive/constructive outlets is key.

i enjoyed reading your thoughts, thanks for sharing.

Oh man I feel ya. Sometimes I try to harmonize myslf with the planet and the surroudings, becoming one with every particle of creation. Then I was bit 5 times by a black white striped moquito. Dear god, annihilate them all.