Bring4th

Describe in detail if you wish. I think there might be more things in common here than we were aware of.

Not having 100% belief that my dream is possible.

Doing the right thing. Here's me right now.

Worst Worst Worst
Worst me worst
worst worst worst

(03-17-2017, 01:42 PM)sjel Wrote: [ -> ]Describe in detail if you wish. I think there might be more things in common here than we were aware of.

Life itself?

Myself.

My Mother.

Yellow chakra associations.

Finding all to be the Creator.  Loving it.  Accepting it.  Forgiving it.

Just being in 3D is hard for me -_-

Warning: super deep dense emotional repentance post incoming.

Sorry sjel, I know you would have expected some details, I didn't take the time earlier as I had to leave for the job and thank goodness I didn't. Something happened. I got struck by a lightning or something. I finally broke my endless cycle of pain. I broke free of the hate bomb I have been thrown at this week. And now I wish to end it all right here right now, no more negativity is to come out of me. I choose to be free, to feel right and good about myself and others. You are right, there is something going on right now that may all affect us and I wish to tackle it upfront, this echo chamber has delivered the message. I wish to express how I've been bound to it without even wanting to.

Before I come to what I have to say I will explain where my negative energies come from. Last week I had a fantastic conversation with plenum, I felt very at peace, very easy going and very balanced. The work of almost two years balancing my chakras, cultivating inner peace. I thought I had reached it. Then it's been all downhill from here until right now. I was going to see some old friends from when I was in music study last weekend and I got struck by a very painful realization. We were no longer compatible. I didn't enjoy my weekend. I had a few drinks and ended up throwing up everything. I got very sick and weak being surrounded by them. A lot of anger and hatred was going on. They were very good friends in the past and although I don't hold any anger towards them myself, I was very in pain and sad that I will end up losing those friends as I don't think I will be willing to hang out with them anymore. One of them was a really close friend and when I first met him, he was really angry and the more we hang out together the more chill he became. Now that he's back in his hometown it seems he's gone back to old pattern and I'm no longer willing to follow him down that path. I'm done with that and I feel sorry for him. Now I got back from there really weaken and lost. I thought that would be the low point. I thought to myself ok this week I'm going full on vegan, I'm meditating every day, I'll listen to very chill music, exercise, relax, and everything should get better, which I did. I even took a break of vaping weed wich I utterly enjoy. Unfortunately life decided something else for me. Life decided it's time to experience the hardest catalyst ever right here right now, and honestly I wasn't ready. There was a giant snowstorm this week, like the biggest storm I've seen in maybe 10 years. My job is to do deliveries and I had a very intense evening at work, everybody freaked out, everybody panicked, everybody was under immense stress and I took all that upon myself. I've been the anchor to their distress. I even lifted a poor client who ended up stuck at my job because the bus service and the taxi services were all down. I came back home, completely drained and exhausted only to discover the entrance was completely covered in snow. And there it happened.

I asked my father if I could borrow the snowblower to remove all the snow. He said no. Obviously I had no energy to shovel all that myself, I mean you wouldn't even believe how much snow there was, the house is against the wind, it was almost as tall as me. Even though it would be very hard, I offered to just do all the driveway, not just for my car so that we can all get out the next morning, out of pure generosity. I got an answer full of hate and anger. He said he didn't trust me to do it right, and to clean the snowblower correctly afterwards (using a snowblower has been job for an entire winter). He said I was just a fucking weak lazy ass. He insisted looking very deeply in my eyes when saying I DONT FUCKING TRUST YOU (in french with much harder words than english can convey). There right there something snapped in my brain. I haven't been myself since. I mean someone else could have said that to me just being moderately angry, I could have lived with it easily. But not him. I don't know anyone capable of expressing anger and hate like he does. He has a way of looking at you, rolling his tongue like he's about to exterminate your pathetic existence. Those were I would say moderate words, but in his eyes the message was: you are complete s***, you don't deserve to live, you don't deserve help, you don't deserve anything, just die you weakling piece of s***. This isn't about a simple snowblower anymore. I know him well enough to know he's been repressing 99% of his anger even saying that. Even though I knew right from the start he was speaking to himself, we aren't very close and I have never been able to trust him myself, but that's another story. That striked to very core of my being. To be rejected and hated like that when my intentions were purely to help. I believe I am someone people can count on and trust. I am there when people need it without judging them, just listening, cheering them and I do my best. But I have acted completely in disharmony with myself since then.

I have tried just waiting for this energy to get out of me, balancing feelings. It just won't work. At first I tried all those mentioned above, meditation, music, eating healthy, sleeping alot. Nothing worked. Last night I followed Aion's advice for blueray clearing. I went for a walk into the woods and I ran, I screamed, I cried, I throwed rocks everywhere for like 3 hours until I had no more energy to move and a voice extinction. I had not cried for at least 10 years. Still, all that did was helping me sleep. I woke up this morning very angry at myself, I feel like all my work and balancing I did is lost, I feel more distorted than ever. I can't communicate properly. I can't look at myself, I can't think at all in fact. Now I do feel like some weak s*** who does not deserve anything. And over the top, I can't forgive myself that I have been drawn to these angry discussions this week and that some people were hurt simply because I could not stop this energy from bleeding all over the place.

Just a few hours ago I was driving for my job and I was struck by a lightning. I was listening to my favorite band for like the 10000000th time. I thought: The more I hate myself for hurting others, the more I hate myself, the more I hurt others, the more I hate myself, the more I hurt others. There is no way out. Except..... what if all that suffering I am causing is not because I can't forgive someone for hurting me but because I can't forgive myself for my weaknesses. All this time I felt great seperation between me and this energy because I knew from the core of my soul it didn't come from me. But I can't get free of it because I can't find forgiveness for myself. Meanwhile I got enlightened. All this time I thought my favorite band was about reconciliation between light and darkness. But I was wrong. There's no reconciliation, light and darkness are there, always, always seperate, always dual. The paradox doesn't solve itself, I have to find my way out of it. This band isn't about reconciliation, it's about forgiveness. My life is about forgiveness. This thread, all those threads are about forgiveness. They're not yellow ray threads like I used to think, they're orange ray threads, that's why we never find a common ground, there is none. All we can do is forgive the darkness. We will never come closer than bring4th is right now. All we can do is meet, and forgive, and thank.

Here I am now, I can't find forgiveness for myself unless I ask. Please forgive me all of you. I was blinded by my own self. Forgive me women to have even talked, it was not my place. I know for me it's never been about accepting you, I already like you, but I should just have shut up and let you express all it is you have to share, instead of trying to pinpoint the common ground, that's not helpful. I didn't believe women were ''more hurt'' than men, maybe I still don't, but the fact is it just doesn't matter. You should express all it is you need. And really, that's usually my approach to life, I don't even understand what's got into me to act so out of my own beliefs. I lost myself.

I should also thank you all. Thank you plenum for clarity and understanding. Thank you Austin for insisting I was missing something beyond intentions. Thank you spaced for protecting my feelings and freewill even though you seemed to be hurt by my words, you should have called me an a****** right away, but you're too kind. Thank you Jade for reflecting my own feelings of misunderstanding. Thank you Aion for breaking cycles. Thank you sjel for providing this space I would never have asked for. Thank you Agua for insisting about the importance of vulnerability. I knew how important it was, I just didn't realize I needed to take time to forgive myself for it. Thank you even smc for magnetizing my consciousness to your feelings of anger so I can understand myself. Thank you jeremy for leading by exemple. At first I didn't understand why you asked forgiveness yourself, I didn't understand what you did wrong, but you were preaching by exemple and the message has been delivered even though you may or may not have thought about it, but it appeared to me as strong symbolism. Thank you Coordinate_Apotheosis for inspiring me. You were the spark. I wondered how did you break your own cycle after containning such anger. I know now forgiveness is the only way out. I knew that until a week ago, I just forgot while I was covered in darkness.

Unfortunately for me, even though my cycle is broken, my catalyst is not done. My cup will get filled with anger daily, my house, my job and some friends of mine all revolve around orange ray blocage. But I promise, it will not reach to you ever again.

Edit: I forgot to thank Nicholas for creating this immense catalyst even if he didn't meant to. That must be harsh haha. And also thank you anagogy. Your existence blow my mind everyday. I know there is more to you than some want to believe. Your wisdom inspired me as well.

Thank you very much, Dear NightOwl, for sharing this so openly!!

Before I say anything else, let me say, i really feel you!
I can absolutely relate to these feelings and situations!
I know them all too well :/
Looks  as my father emmigrated to the US :/

Sit down with me, i got a beer for you and a Darts Game with your fathers picture on it
I will just listen and be there.
you can imagine me like a good friend, or an older brother, or Even als the father you would have needed.

Stop Reading here and listen to this Song first:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gmLn3CgsAp4

i sense a beautiful Male Energy there, a warm, soft, comforting Male energy, really loving and Full of light, a Male Energy that has Seen all pain and still remains in a brighter light!
To me it feels like the father i would have needed.
Maybe you like this,too


I would offer you some thoughts now, how i experienced this (many many times):

I dont think all your balanced State and what you have "worked" for is gone or has been useless,
quite to the contrary i think this all has worked excellently.
I brought you into a state, where that level which you were at was very much cleared and that brought you to a Place of stability with a firm base.
Now youre strong enough to face the next, deeper layer. The Layer of emotions youre facing now arme basically the Same emotions, but a deeper much more intense layer.
So, actually, nothing is lost, in fact it is a sign of progress!
This process does happen many times, Layer by layer, ever deeper, ever more intense. But each Time you will get out of it faster!

I strongly believe that probably 95% of what you arme feeling right now are the emotions of the Little Child in you, this has been blocked before, now you unblocked it.
I can assure this Energy has only a finite charge. I encourage you to feel this with als much awareness as possible, the energy of the emotion will lose more and more of it's charge.
This Emotion has been in you all the time, you just could not feel it.

Now youre an adult man, but Imagine yourself a few years back, when you were a child. Imagine your father Most likely was an Even greater ass. You were completely Open, completely vulnerable, this Must have hit you at your very Core, with no defense, this Must feel like your very existence is being questioned!

I encourage you to feel the anger, i encourage you to feel the sadness, the hurt and the questioning of your very being.
ou are now strong enough to feel this, otherwise it would not arise!

If there's anything that i can do to Support and comfort you, please let me know!

A big hug with much Love and compassion
Agua

Very interesting topic!! It's very personal for each of us. In the big picture, part of mine has been discernment for the past year. Discernment in my relationships, society, what is true and what is false, how and when to speak.

I also have been working on more acceptance and forgiveness for my father, this is a life lesson I'm very clear about that. Emotional charge isn't so high, I've noticed a more harmonious configuration between us lately. My tendency to be overly critical with my father has decreased. I am finding acceptance and peace for who he is, even though it frustrates me. I had a breakthrough realization months ago. I was angry at my father, then I had a thought to remember that he is the Creator also. My anger melted away right there and my heart opened a bit.

I like Q'uo's analogy of the upward spiral. We are never in the same place twice, but we may be at a different point in the spiral.

Feeling more dead than alive.

I think everyone here is aware of what my most dominant catalyst is, currently. And most here are involved. And for that, I feel very guilty.

I want to see if I can try to describe more what happened (from my point of view) and why I feel the way I do and why I have reacted the way I do. Firstly, let me try to describe to you what it is like to be a woman on the internet. The internet can be a very scary place. It's pretty easy, as a woman, to step into the wrong forum and be totally attacked. I remember a specific attempt at posting on a video game forum where my husband posted, and I was tormented mercilessly, mostly because I was a woman. This is pretty prevalent in "gaming culture". For instance, GamerGate - women who were known in the video game industry were targeted and sent rape and death threats en masse. Has anything similar happened to a group of males as such? Maybe I'm just unaware if it has... but, heaven forbid you play an MMO with a female sounding name. You get a mixture of constantly being hit on, or coddled, or flat out rejected. Better off going androgynous or male, to keep perpetuating the pervasive myth that "girl gamers don't exist".

I'll also talk a little about porn here. I don't think anyone would disagree that mainstream pornography is rancid. And the fact is, women are the ones who are being objectified - and basically ALL porn shows negative energy transfers. I used to watch porn. When I watched porn, I had to watch lesbian porn because I couldn't stand the CONSTANT imagery of women being ejaculated on. Why is this such a big thing? It degrades women and turns them into objects of gratification. Another form of completely ubiquitous imagery is the stretching of the women's orifices to extremes. So many men gratify themselves to this imagery every day and can't recognize how it affects their view of women. I thank Van for making me aware of this "symptom".

Another example I have is the media. Has anyone ever heard of the Bechdel test? Did you know that some college professors teach their film students to ONLY write scripts that fall within these parameters - because they are just more easily accepted? About 50% of mainstream movies fall into these parameters. I also want to point out the "irony" in the image Anagogy posted of the Ferengi in the other thread - the Ferengi are the epitome of male sexism. They don't even let their women wear clothes, let alone do anything of importance. I was just watching an episode of DS9 the other night where a woman had to speak to Sisko about her work contract with Quark - apparently in the fine print it said that he, as her boss, was allowed to grope her as he pleased. My question here is, is there an equivalent of this on any mainstream show? Is there a prominent race of a female dominant society who subjugate their men? I know Star Trek has a few one-offs as such, but the sexist Ferengi plot line is recurring and extreme.

Is it possible to understand how things like this can affect a whole group's psyche? I don't even know...

To see this kind of pervasive world view bleed over into Bring4th, which is a sanctuary, was extremely shocking and painful. For instance, I would expect to see sexist rhetoric on Facebook - but I wouldn't expect my husband to say things that were sexist. Of course it has always existed on the periphery, but the blow that came when I realized that I was still fighting an uphill battle here for respect was devastating. It's not just earth_spirit's post, it's how a lot of it unfolded, and the less than subtle support for even part of what was said by multiple people was a huge strike of lightning that illuminated something I didn't realize existed until then. And it's sort of like when you turn on the light in the bathroom and there's a big spider skittering in the sink: You just aren't always prepared for it. You might recoil and scream.

Right around the same time this "blow up" occurred, this Quo session came out stating that it is imperative that we work on this issue before we can move into fourth density. So I felt myself called to involve myself in this catalyst, and the more involved I got, the angrier I got.  I won't deny that I was angry. I might still be a bit angry. But I can't feel solely responsible for bringing this catalyst here, because obviously this is big catalyst for a lot of people involved. Q'uo says it's catalyst that involves the creation of our whole social memory complex. So, in desiring to serve others, I see the value in getting angry, being upset, and standing up for those who might not be able to articulate things as well as others. I incarnated in third density as part of the Brothers and Sisters of Sorrow, of that I am certain. If that means I occasionally have to feel true, deep, all-encompassing sorrow, and be reactive from that state, thereby giving up the state of peace and privilege that I am lucky enough to exist in most of the time, then that is a sacrifice I am willing to make. If I wanted to be unmoved by emotion, I wouldn't be in a human suit. Someday I'll be outside of this human suit again, and I'm sure I'll miss it!!

I really wanted to make this sound less defensive, but I guess I can't help it. I still feel "on the defense". So I'm working on that. Anyway thanks for giving me this space sjel and thanks to Night Owl for inspiring us with such an open-hearted sharing.

Might I point out if that can make you feel a little bit better about that gaming harassment thing. I think most serious gamers have strong sense of anger towards women because they have difficulty having harmonious relationships with them. I stumbled upon a video sometimes ago where a guy who said he was a professional relationship therapist could have sex with almost any woman if he really meant to but that he really coundn't achieve that if he spent a whole week just being on a computer. Obviously for a male having relationships with women has to go through a lot of emotional and sensitive side of themselves, a side you just can't even perceive exist while you're just browsing a screen through whatever it is you're doing and obviously serious gamers do that a lot if not just that. I don't think they would necessarily do that in real life I suppose those who do that are mostly angry at themselves for running away from their sensitive side. I think those who are maybe more professional gamers might have a higher chance of having girlfriends because they are pursuing something they love instead of running away from it. There is a lot of very friendly gamers though. Many of my friends are gamers and I don't think they would harass anybody. They don't have much relationships with women but they seem aware that they make it so and not because women are (whatever insults suits them). Still I feel you, that must have been a really awful experience. Sorry you had to go through such thing. You deserve better.

Also did a little edit to my initial post.

Physical pain and discomfort.

(03-18-2017, 04:04 PM)Bring4th_Jade Wrote: [ -> ]I also want to point out the "irony" in the image Anagogy posted of the Ferengi in the other thread - the Ferengi are the epitome of male sexism.

I don't know if it was ironic so much as much as you are simply "getting" the joke. Irony, in the context you present here, seems to imply that was an unintended comedic attribute. In fact, that was the *exact* reason why I posted it in the first place. I'm glad somebody is familiar enough with Star Trek to understand the significance of Ferengi and the horrible way they treat women. It was my unfortunate attempt at humor in a thread about feminism.

What wasn't intended was that it would trigger you and others in the thread so strongly. For that, I apologize for my insensitivity. Unfortunately sometimes my humor can be like bulls in a china shop, and I'm sorry if it hurt you (or others). Feel free to delete it if you find it offensive. I joke about a lot of things that many people would probably find offensive, and unfortunately I'm not always the best at gauging the audience reaction to my sometimes futile attempts to make heavy subjects not so heavy. I'm the type of person who will joke about death at a funeral, as an example. Not everyone finds that comforting, consoling, or appropriate though some individuals do appreciate it (kind of a crapshoot really). For better or for worse, that's just how I roll. Anyway, my apologies if it pressed your buttons unduly. I will try to be more careful with the eggshells we walk upon on a forum such as this.

Quote:What is the most dominant catalyst in your life right now?

For me this picture pretty much sums it up for me:

Quote:What is the most dominant catalyst in your life right now?

for me this picture pretty much sums it up for me:


it's a happy problem, though.

@Aion: I would have asked when and what started it but I suppose you already know all that and just can't do a damn thing about it? Sorry to hear that.

@anagogy: My family makes me take life very much too seriously lately. However in other context I would be just behind you trying to keep my laugh in...with very few success....man misplaced jokes when not hurting anyone are just too damn funny. I got kicked out of class when younger a few times for that lol. Usually paying bills is also my #1 catalyst. I thought you reached a high point before you found a new job where asking you a question almost meant asking Ra themselves. Man it sucks we have to pay bills instead of connecting to intelligent infinity.

(03-18-2017, 09:27 PM)Night Owl Wrote: [ -> ]@anagogy: My family makes me take life very much too seriously lately. However in other context I would be just behind you trying to keep my laugh in...with very few success....man misplaced jokes when not hurting anyone are just too damn funny. I got kicked out of class when younger a few times for that lol. Usually paying bills is also my #1 catalyst. I thought you reached a high point before you found a new job where asking you a question almost meant asking Ra themselves. Man it sucks we have to pay bills instead of connecting to intelligent infinity.

Yeah, its easy to connect to the divine when you don't have to deal with the catalyst of modern day life. The real test is: can you still do it even when you are in the midst of such chaos? Same goes for monks in a monastery. Are they super spiritual and connected to the divine? Probably. But that is because they don't have to deal with the chaos most people do on a day to day basis. Now, of course, that's isn't to absolve us of finding our alignment no matter what our circumstances, but it is definitely something to think about when we look at someone who seems to have poor contact with infinite intelligence. It made me realize that you can't compare one persons connection to the infinite with another persons, because every single circumstance is unique. Truly, everything and everyone contains all aspects of the creator from DENSE to FINE.

I would say I tend to mostly be in a sort of "zoomed out" perspective....In this perspective I am curious and alive, and i receive great insight

the trouble for me is applying it fully to the zoomed in perspective. Me, now, as Zach. Taking care of menial things that matter and are stepping stones to a better quality of life.

All in all...the difficulty seems to be just being present and realizing in full that I am here, and my actions matter, as this incarnate being as I am now. Not just realizing, but appreciating who I am, and the role I play. As well as Making things happen. Taking steps that will lead to a better quality of life...

I enjoy multiple catalyst, hard to say which is dominant :/

A lot has to do with the forum and my participation here.
There are two "Main themes" for me:

One being the theoretical, abstract and intellectual approach prevalent in many threads.
To explain, what the difficulty for me is, i will Share a short story:
My father is/was a very intelligent man, brilliant intellect and he was highly interested in spirituality, he was reading a lot of spiritual literature, very good stuff, he engaged in endless intellectual discussions on These subject.
But his spirituality was only intellectual, he never actually had a spiritual practice. He had the self-image of a spiritually highly advanced being.
At the same time he was extremely abusive sexually, physically and emotionally.
There was a completely dissociation.
This and my earlier years on the spiritual path lead me to believe, that all that intellectual approach just creates the illusion of spiritual progress while actually there is no growth at all.

I guess, i get triggered by that and atthe Same time i am very passionate in bringing a different approach and energy to this place.
It's just so hard to realize each time "which is old stuff from my biography?" and "what is related to the present thread"

Second catalyst, probably also related to the first one, is "feeling ignored".
In my (not necessarily lucid) perceiption, i have the impression, that the majority of my post are being ignored in a way.
There is a lot of love and the wish to really help people in difficult situations. Quite a big deal of contemplation goes into what i write, usually at least.
Very often it seems people do not even bother to relate to it in any way, just as i were on "ignore".
That often makes me feel, what i have to offer is useless and valueless to the community.
Especially in the "feminism threads" i felt ignored.
Ultimately, that is connected to old biographical issues, and it makes me feel my love, my very being is not interesting and has no value.
It is pretty hard for me to differentiate, which portion are old emotions, which emotions are really related to the now.
I very often question my participation here, feeling no one is really interested in a healing approach.
Also, i often think, an internet forum is just a too anonymous place for stuff like this.

Anyway, this evoces quite some heavy emotions regularly, still working on it, probably a bigger issue :/

Btw, im quite aware that i shouldnt judge it on the outcome, so to say, but there seem to be deeper issues involved, that are not in my consciousness.
And, maybe it's just about realizing, this aint the right Place for my approach.

i'll ne smarter in a year, i guess :/

@sjel
Thank you for opening this thread and providing that space!
This is one of the Most promising threads here and i think will serve us a big Deal as a community!
Thank you for that awesome contribution!

Agua, your posts are an inspiration to me.  I don't recall if I said this before but you offer insights that I couldn't even begin to make sense of at first only to realize it later.

I'd say you've an advanced perspective on offering healing and that many 'patients' require 'patience' before they recognize your wisdom.

We are picky about what's done to our bodies, imagine how we are about our emotions and mind.

Have faith, your words leave ripples that stretch father than the eye can see

---

My biggest catalyst...Is running away.

And my Various Methods of Escape.

My deep perceptions of weakness in myself.

My laziness and severe lack of motivation.

Loneliness and feeling Isolated.

Denial of my strength and power.

Disbelief at times in Love. (Green and indigo ray??)

Impatience and Great Anger at humanity and those that made us.

Depression from everyone's suffering.

There's more but I'm going to run away from facing them now, thanks, kay, byebye--

My dad spoke hate from his heart to me as well, Night Owl. Last month he said, "You're a child and you need to grow up. You're full of s***. You are full. of. s***." He said 's***' like he was retching it up from his deep infected bowels, like it was a disgusting effort to even look me in the eyes and not tear me down piece by piece right there. He said 's***' like it perfectly defined the essence of my entire being, like he had been waiting years to say it. His eyes were completely black, usually they're brown.

Backstory is that two months ago he left my mom and me. He just... left. Like he just texted me saying he's not coming back. And then he came last month one evening out of NOWHERE to 'pick up some things' and was utterly surprised when we were hurt and crying. He blamed me for not calling him. After HE left. HE left the house, indicating very clearly that he did not want to see me again. He said I'm full of s*** for my spiritual motivations. He said I'm completely faking it, I'm just following that spiritual path just for the sake of being weird. "You just like to be weird to people, that's why you don't have friends. You just LIKE it." Then later the big one, the most hate I've ever witnessed in anybody, and it was directed right at me, right into my eyes: "You're full of s***."

Soon after this something inside me snapped and I realized he is wholly entrenched in darkness. I felt this deep energy reserve inside me get tapped and I seized up into a wild-eyed manic robotic state, repeating very loudly and enunciating very clearly, very rapidly, monotone, like a malfunctioned machine, my head jerked to the side with every word like a robot typewriter, rapidfire so he couldn't inject more hate into my eyes, "IF. YOU. WILL. NOT. LISTEN. TO. WHAT. I. AM. SAYING. AS. SJEL. AS. NORMAL. ME. THEN. I. WILL. SPEAK. LIKE. THIS. TO. GRAB. ATTENTION. TO. PERHAPS. BREAK. THROUGH. HATE. BARRIER. AND. TO. CONVERSE. ON. A. LEVEL. THAT. PERHAPS. YOU. WILL. REMEMBER. FOR. SOME. LATER. PROCESSING. PROCESSING. PROCESSING. PROCESSING. HOPING. TO. BREAK. THROUGH. YOUR. MIND. INTO. THE..." that sort of thing. It was half involuntary, like I was channeling some deep reserve of 'struggle mode,' in which the positive entity can see no solution to the lack of love presented to it, so it "breaks" and seizes up into last ditch effort.

My dad looked completely uncertain and confused for the first time the whole night (he had been slowly escalating his hate for about 30 minutes before this). He then turned away and walked out the door. At that point I just collapsed into the baby pose in yoga and sobbed for 10 minutes. I feel like my dad has died and been replaced with a hate infested machine.

I wish I could console you or something, Night Owl, but the last two months have been the hardest of my life as well. Right now I can't even remember all those hopeful moments I've had recently, I just feel empty. No, I feel reaaallly confused. Like the deepest type of confusion, like I can't even process the door handle, the door handle to exit my room confuses me right now. I cannot even find a position to sit in, I'm typing this from a strange uncomfortable position. Everything feels wrong that I'm doing. No growth, no love. I often perceive the entities watching us as blissfully facing the sun and not giving a f*** about us. Like a bunch of buddhist monks going, "You don't want to put in the highest effort and unceasing concentration? How will you ever find the inner light? Laziness is not rewarded, only unceasing motivation." And then they just turn back to their bliss.

Big hug for you, Sjel, I'm told I'm good at them. Hugs for Night Owl and everyone else to.

Sjel.....


)))) > Sjel < ((((


I have had my father do this to me - not as aggressively - more slowly (over 45 years) with more 'control' - I wanted one time to go up to a window and smash my entire skull and face through it - to have my head shattered - and my face cut into bloody pieces - to visually SHOW the feelings I was having - as my words had meant nothing to either of my parents - I wanted to then go to each window in the house and do it again and again...


I restrained myself from doing this - ONLY because I knew my life would be even more hopeless if I had brain damage and extreme facial scarring....

What you and Night Owl (and I) have shared is proof positive of the extreme and toxic male behaviour that is occurring somewhere - every minute - that has it's origins in the imbalance of thousands and thousands of years of Patriarchy - of men being denied their female/male balance and continually pushed into dysfunctional 'masculine'. I would venture to say that your father probably hates himself and his own father - very VERY deeply. If you were more 'traditionally masculine' he would probably not have done/said this. It's hate for what you represent - and what you show him about himself.

His self hatred runs SO DEEP he won't probably even know about it.

(fyi: there IS also the female equivalent of this - a dysfunctional 'feminine'. This is why (healthy) Feminism truly IS a movement for BALANCE.)

It's not men that are inherently 'bad' - but Patriarchy IS.

(The only proviso I would put on this is that the hormone testosterone can be a tricky contributor to behavioural aggression; and men have more of this hormone than women... but it isn't as simple as that - and some women are more aggressive than some men) - (whether that's down to them having different levels I don't know.)

May Archangel Raphael immediately surround you and quarantine you inside the highest energies of Light.

^j^Sjel ^j^

Ditto ^j^ Night Owl ^j^

here is my reply to this thread topic btw: (I wrote it a few hours ago - but had connectivity problem)

Quote:.
* the inability of boys/men to accept their 'privilege'; to consider how constricting, invalidating, violent and unbalanced, patriarchy makes the lives of girls/women (yes - men too)
- instead, engaging in long, point by point discussions about how it makes them feel,
- as well as to defend the voice (e_s) that spoke the most hatefully towards girls/women, expressing concern for that persons rights and feelings repeatedly in the ensuing discussions with the people being hated on (women). (!) :exclamation:


* total rejection by my family (even though I've forgiven them for emotional abuse and neglect over and over -with an open and loving heart- and have tried every possible thing to help heal our relationships)

* living with moderate, constant, physical pain

* living with severe, constant, psychic pain

* social isolation

* severance from my SMC

* anger:
- at the 'veil'
- that my life (so far) hasn't involved more than partial use of my OTT musical/creative skills
- at decades of constant (often extreme) hardship

* spiritual, emotional and physical exhaustion

* that b4 isn't a community of safety, love, and progressive values
(I assumed it would be moving towards 4D - not mired in 3D aggression, homophobia, sexism, misogyny, etc) and that if I can't find a supportive, loving community here - then where?

* that I feel validly strong caution at sharing these feelings; particularly given the possibility of their being read by people who constantly show me it's not safe for me, for them to know such personal information about me

Wow sjel I'm so sorry for you. That sucks so damn much. I hope you find the strenght to see that your father is doing this to himself and just using you to not face this on the first level...so it feels kind of external and he doesn't feel so responsible for the suffering. It must hurt. But if you ever find the strenght to forgive, yourself for letting him do that to you, and him for doing this to you and to himself, I promise it will feel lighter. Don't hold HIS anger into you like I did for fucking 26 years. It doesn't have to be your burden. You deserve light and love. Infinitly.
May this experience bring you closer to your inner strenght and bring peace within for as long as possible.

Seriously though, if that's still fresh, don't hesitate, run into the woods and cry, shout, destroy all around you if you have to. The earth will be ok and happy to provide help and release for you. Just don't let that reach another human being like I did. The dephts of such hate has an infinite echo if you let it spread. It seems you were right from the start. We have more in common than it seemed a week ago. We all seem to share some kind of burden that's been trapping us into circles and we are magntized by our anger at ourselves and at our powerlessness to help. This thread is a very strong resolution for bring4th I think.

So much pain. It hurts me to see so much suffering among my brothers and sisters of sorrow. I just want to see you, be with you, love you.

We all have our teachers of this world. I'm in the same club unfortunately. My father has been an alcoholic for almost twenty years. It's taken me many years to forgive him for his transgressions. However the pain, mental/emotional distortions and addiction eventually infected my brother who died last year. That catalyst caused me to spiral down into the abyss, from which I recovered the first week of January after a huge emotional release.

The catalyst of the day is concerned with my constant struggle with the stubborn yellow ray, my weakest chakra. I'm trying to find my place in society, get a job that aligns with my values and interests and get a solid income. Im trying to make the heart the center of my life while simultaneously strengthening the red ray (personal economy) and yellow ray (work life occupation). I'm slowly getting there I feel.

What to do when prayer doesn't feel like its enough to help ease another's suffering?

Remember to thank your spirit guides, they're probably beaming lotsa green ray energy to us all...

Sjel, I love your honesty...I felt your pain in your words...  I can only hope you will one day forgive your father.

He doesn't seem to realize what he's doing.  He's mired in emotion and..You don't deserve to be negated in those ways that he spoke.

You're not excrement or worthless, there's reasons for these labels being thrown at you.

If you ever see your father again, even if you don't mean it, try Hoponopono on him.

Thank You (for your honesty)
I am Sorry (you feel that way)
Please, Forgive Me (, Dad)
I Love You (, Dad)

Dear sjel,
there are no words to ease your pain!
Just be assured you are not alone!

We just sit with you and your pain, with love, with compassion.
For you, dear brother of sorrow, and for that Little boy sjel!

Sorry, before performing H'oponopono, i have to kick your fathers ass for being such a horrible idiot!
I sometimes like being unconscious

He may have his own pain, but that doesnt justify treating a precious lightbeing in such a way.
So, when he heals, he has to heal his pain AND his ass from my kick
I like that!

But now i will just sit there in stillness with you!