So as of lately I've been...Well. I guess I'll just say it the way I say it to myself.
I feel like a loser and a failure.
Tack this on with how many jobs have turned me down and the daily belittlement and debasement from my mother who thinks I've done nothing instead of trying.
I'm a bit emotionally crippled with depression. So I've been staying in bed more this week than usual. Just lying there trying to not think about how much I can't function.
So my mom gets home (just a few minutes ago) and immediately starts screaming at me to immediately talk to her "Or Else". I don't encourage her attitude anymore and so gave her the cold-shoulder. When she's like that I don't unlock and open the door for MY safety.
So she flipped her s*** and made it very clear she's going to put me in a psych facility.
So I guess I'm wondering if anyone's ever been in one and what its like and what can I expect?
I was in like 4 of them. I thought I was talking to God and stuff so mentally I was having a blast.
Just have to be careful of the people who want to have sex with you.
I'd be fine with that, I never have sex anymore anyways.
I'm not psychologically compromised from consensus reality.
I'm just extremely sad at what life is for me and so many others that that plus constant assault on my self-esteem just really breaks you down...
But I think it could be fun if they're anything like what Google results have told me.
Minus the getting drugged up s***...
That would be an incredible waste, if you ask me, but you seem all ready to pack your bags.
I mean, if you really feel it would be better for you, by all means. However, some therapy might not be a bad idea at all.
Whatever happens, I just want you to know you're already doing a whole lot.
Already had told you that you remind me of my ex and she had struggles with worthlessness, like she can't achieve anything and always f*** up with no confidence thinking she's not fit for society and won't ever find to be well or even be functional mentally and emotionally, struggling with suicide each passing year, and you do make me think of her and I feel the same things for you as I felt for her when she was the closest person to me in my life for 3 years.
Your life is a whole lot harder than most people and you are doing a whole lot more with your life. Life isn't about the things of society, all that man has built will wash away in the cycles of time. Emotional work is real work and if you're having an easy time with society then you're just letting yourself float a river effortlessly, you don't get scared, you don't have doubt, you don't dislike yourself and don't have a sense of problems. Things are just happening and that's that and there's nothing much admirable in that, nothing much to move anyone's heart or inspire anyone. Doesn't mean its unwell either. On the other hand if you're like my ex, depressed since childhood, with no faith in yourself nor in life itself and yet you keep crawling up to get thrown back down time after time yet always finding the drive to climb back up, then sorry but that's the opposite of worthless and that is fucking admirable and it requires much more work and effort and will to move through so don't let anyone convince you otherwise because of their attachments to their dellusions of what life is about.
Now I'll offer you what I think are direct thoughts which are my interpretation of your catalysts. Until you find to truly love yourself, your reality will throw at you what is symbolic of what you struggle to find love for in yourself. I can't learn/teach for you that you are worth loving just like I couldn't learn/teach that for my ex either, I can only let you find that for yourself in your own time having faith it will come.
Emotions influence thoughts and vice versa (although usually much less), so be careful of how you talk to yourself. My advice would be to feel these emotions as wholly as you can to get them out, and then try to make peace with the situation that causes them, either by understanding, forgiving, or changing things. Also, remember that emotions come and go, like clouds in the sky. Might be cloudy one day/week/month and sunny the next.
You seem to be putting distance between you and your emotions, which is a very good start. There's a big difference between saying: "I am depressed" and "I feel depressed". So, you got that going for you, a good awareness and understanding of emotions.
While I do not know your mom, it would be a safe bet to say that she's probably worried about you. It might ease the situation to talk to her, depending on how much you're comfortable opening up to her about things and yourself. You don't have to tell her everything either. And you don't have to condone anything she does if you feel it's negative. Just wait until she is in a good mood.
About your self-esteem, remember that your mom is not talking to you: she is talking to the representation of you that she has in her head. That representation might be very far from reality, especially if communication is difficult between you two. And even then... no one will never know you as well as you know yourself. You're the only one with access to all of the data
So, don't confuse yourself with what people think of you.
About psych wards, I've been in one for three weeks myself after losing my second trial (I won the first one and stayed free but when they want to lock you up, they lock you up). So, it's a pretty small sample, but here are my thoughts: Firstly, psych meds are not very healthy. I understand that in some cases, they are needed and become the "lesser of two evils". But in my opinion, if you can avoid them, you would be wise to do so. And I'm not talking about antidepressants here, I'm talking about the harder stuff, mainly antipsychotics (zyprexa, haldol, seroquel, etc...) And if you go in a psych facility, there is a good chance you'll "win" a diagnostic and the corresponding regimen of psych medicine. I'm not a doctor and I don't know you: if you feel that might help you, it's your call. I'm not advocating against those meds; I'm advocating against giving them to someone who does not truly need them.
While it was a fun experience at first because of the novelty, it quickly became boring because there isn't much to do. No internet, a library of outdated kids books, and out of the 30 patients, maybe 22-24 of them were not interested/able to socialize much. Many depressed and anxious people, so it's usually a pretty gloomy atmosphere. The food is horrible. You can scarcely got outside, usually for periods of 30 minutes at a time.
So, all in all, I don't recommend it. But it's your call...
I did bring my ex to be internalized for some time and she did like the people mostly (other internalized people) I think because of relating to them and that was more her therapy, being among people who also have issues. A guy had given her a golden necklace because of liking talking to her and it meant a lot to her and another she saw a fww times after. But she was really dreadful of the place altogether.
To give a context I was with her parents and it was because she was suicidal and unable to be well and too chaotic in her emotions, wasn't really my call but at a different time before she made me bring my sister for being too suicidal saying it was the best thing to do and she had advised her to stay there for help although my sister only stayed a day. So I guess.. it's really relative but what I know is that she never thought or felt the place truly sought to help her annd she highly disliked her psychiatrist. My sister later went again for three week, she didn't really give me a polarized feedback of the place but I think she tried to make the most of it. My parents had taken her there because she was saying she'd kill herself while holding a knife.
I really am just curious to have professional opinions of me. Also to meet new people. See what life inside places like that are like.
See if I meet anyone like myself.
I'm not resistant to it.
I don't expect any real care or hope from any therapists there.
But it might be a necessary experience,I don't know...
My mom just likes to be in control. So I just roll with it. Sometimes a rock's gotta roll lol.
It's just hard believing in myself when I seem to feel so distant from what I desire to do with myself.
I think those places, mental facilities, are prisons of the mind. It's a good thing I'm a nice guy, I would have lost my mind from this world by now. Just more catalyst to enjoy.
Thanks for the advice and helpful thoughts everyone. Yay things to think about lol
are you able to move into shared accommodation with friends?
I don't know your age - but moving out of home is a rite of passage that might be useful at this point...
what are your skills? what do you love doing?
what is your income base?
I understand the job difficulty... have you looked into local community welfare programs?
It's definitely an interesting experience, but it's NOT somewhere to live and thrive for very long. Like make sure if you go it's voluntary, I'm not sure the rules on when they can force you, but it's an absolutely terrifying concept, involuntary committal.
You meet interesting outcasts. In that respect it's GREAT! I was in for 5 days when I was 17, so I was still in the 'minor' ward. I'm not sure what the adult wards are like. I went because I told the school counselor I was suicidal. I was, but not even a single person asked the deep questions. They all said "you know, some people have chemical imbalances," and immediately prescribed psych medications (lexapro and some other one just for while I was committed). Like it wasn't even, "some people have chemical imbalances, but first let's talk for a good while about your thoughts on life in general," NOPE it was instant prescription without a second thought.
So be prepared to be forced to take medication or else you can't leave. Although even that might be an interesting experience, to observe their effects on your consciousness and awareness. I've sometimes thought about, when I become more stable and deeper into the calm Joy of Universal Self, taking some heavy prescription meds like Risperidone or Lexapro or Olanzapine, taking them with spiritual interest and mindful intention, in order to observe their effects on my consciousness and attempt to maintain steady astral awareness throughout, in order to better understand the countless entities under the constant influence of these apparently terrible drugs.
And yeah the therapy is god-awful. The therapists see what they wish to, they see you as broken and subhuman, even if they possess genuine caring for you. They all feel pity for you, not loving compassion. It might be different, of course, you may find some evolved heart chakra soul who is there to spread genuine love throughout an otherwise negatively oriented system.
But I think not, I think the best people you'll find there are the broken ones, the ones who are there because they hate themselves or because society considers them broken. I seriously made closer friends during those 5 days than in the three years previous in high school.
(03-23-2017, 10:37 PM)SMC Wrote: [ -> ]are you able to move into shared accommodation with friends?
I don't know your age - but moving out of home is a rite of passage that might be useful at this point...
what are your skills? what do you love doing?
what is your income base?
I understand the job difficulty... have you looked into local community welfare programs?
Shared accomodation with friends... Maybe. Not sure. Probably not but I'll see.
I have moved out prior, I'm aware of this rite. I'm 24.
My skills. I'm detail oriented, mostly a mental person. Good with my hands, empathetic. Fast learner. Good with technology. Writing, and mathematics fascinate me. I love complex stuff like computer hardware or automobile hardware, or even spiritual systems.
I don't know what I love to do. I want to design video games or board games...or just anything. I want to create or design. I wish I could draw better, I'd do graphic art. I'd write stories, give them pictures. Wish I could program, make my own little flash games.
I want to be an Author, write out the universes in my mind for others to enjoy. I want to create things that entertain people, that heal them someway.
That or be a monastery monk and focus on spirituality. Social life isn't for me it feels like.
My income is nonexistant. I am not my own provider even when working since my paychecks go to my mom.
I admit I've just been doing walk ins. Haven't looked into an agency or anything yet, I'm scared to honestly.
(03-24-2017, 03:20 AM)Coordinate_Apotheosis Wrote: [ -> ]My skills. I'm detail oriented, mostly a mental person. Good with my hands, empathetic. Fast learner. Good with technology. Writing, and mathematics fascinate me. I love complex stuff like computer hardware or automobile hardware, or even spiritual systems.
I don't know what I love to do. I want to design video games or board games...or just anything. I want to create or design. I wish I could draw better, I'd do graphic art. I'd write stories, give them pictures. Wish I could program, make my own little flash games.
I want to be an Author, write out the universes in my mind for others to enjoy. I want to create things that entertain people, that heal them someway.
Don't 'WANT TO BE,' coordinate_apotheosis. You ARE that. You ARE AUTHOR. In fact you authored this post, this post that generated countless infinitudes of worlds. Unimaginable multitudes of entities read this post and evolved instantaneously into that world that you spoke of. In fact you AUTHORED THEIR WORLD.
Hey CA,
i just have to tell you that i am wishing so much i could help improve your state of being and your situation!
I have never been in an "institution", but i can offer some things from the other side.
Here in germany most of these institutions are not really recommendable, i guess its even worse in the US.
However, we have a couple in the country that arereally good!
The good thing could be, it gives you some kind of structure and you can relax more, since you are not responsible for much except yourself.
Getting out of your mother's place would probably also be a good idea.
Some of these institutions do real good work, you might really benefit from group therapy and single sessions.
what i dont like is, that they are pretty fast with prescriptions.
Medication CAN be helpful, it CAN improve your mood artificially, making it possible to stabilize again and get things going.
So its not necessarily a bad thing. But still i dont like this really, except in the case of real emergency situations.
More often than not its more about keeping people "functional" and getthem back to work fast, i stead of really healing them.
But if things arereally bad, a "break" from your usual life and surrounding could be a good idea!
(03-24-2017, 03:20 AM)Coordinate_Apotheosis Wrote: [ -> ]Wish I could program, make my own little flash games.
There are a ton of great resources online if you want to learn programming. Youtube has a huge variety of programming tutorials. I'm currently learning php, which is a language used to create websites.
Maybe a new hobby could prove to be useful CA? Perhaps you could throw yourself into the learning of a new skill, and with your talent and energy, it could even become something more than that, a career even. It could be something to put your focus on, which could help relieve the stress and lethargy.
I honestly agree with Aion, but if you feel like this is something which will prove beneficial in the long run and will get the ball rolling again, then do you what you think and feel is best. Just speak with a lot of people, including people who have been institutionalized before, and get some expert opinions before you do anything is my advice.
C A - I feel very hopeful for you from your reply! - you're 'just' 24
- and have many interests and haven't actually directly looked into an agency (so haven't been rejected from one)
there's some really good advice in the replies....
personally - a couple of things come to mind
- "You’re not a kid anymore. You have the right to choose your own life. You can start again."
when I've been reading your prolific (at times!) posts to b4 my impression of you is:
incredibly good with language
very intelligent
very caring
passionate/enthusiastic
you have stamina - persistence - capable of complex reasoning and analysis
- without further info - I feel it's time to get away from your mother.... but I may be wrong....
do you have a daily routine/schedule? that can be very structuring, comforting and increase your focus self respect and respect of other towards you
remember " we teach others how to treat us by what we allow"
exercise - even a slow relaxing walk..
development of your self esteem
(join some groups)
you will have an amazingly bright interesting future
it's time for you to seek external assistance
small steps.. don't try to do it all at once
have you a resume?
volunteer work could be a great foot in the door
have you ever had careers counselling?
you're far too talented and mentally quick to be at home twiddling your thumbs
I work taking care of my mom, and my pay goes to her too.
(03-24-2017, 09:45 AM)IndigoGeminiWolf Wrote: [ -> ]I work taking care of my mom, and my pay goes to her too.
I know....
I thought of you while writing my above post to CA.... it seems to me your situation is much more co- dependent?
or do I have that wrong?
I've spoken with you about your situation about 2 years ago.. (diff user name) and from your replies it seemed that you feel trapped, and also guilty for any idea of living separately from her... (?) why the hell is she getting your pay?
it seems like you also have "learned helplessness"...
I care about you - but it bugs me so much I don't give you advice anymore....
it's you that has to make the change...
I give it to her because on her disability she makes less than I do with my disability. But my disability will stop paying like around April-May and I'll have to see if I get permanent disability. That will pay less though. I do it to help her out.
(03-24-2017, 09:54 AM)IndigoGeminiWolf Wrote: [ -> ]I give it to her because on her disability she makes less than I do with my disability. But my disability will stop paying like around April-May and I'll have to see if I get permanent disability. That will pay less though. I do it to help her out.
will you also give her the lower amount? I don't understand the situation - are you in her house? or is she living with you... I can't remember....
if she does all the bill paying - all the work fair enough - is it like you're paying 'board' ?
She lives with me and pays no bills. But she doesn't expect much of me. I help her out. She feeds my dog when I'm away.
And when I have mental breakdowns or freak out she's there to help.
I know this is hard but you need to get out of there. You're in an abusive situation. I can arrange to put you up someplace for a while, it may be just a tent in a backyard in socal but it'll be better than being abused. I can get you a greyhound or something. PM me if you're interested. I'm serious.
Others can be a great mean to find love for yourself.
How do you feel about others who reflect qualities you dislike in yourself? Do you wish them ill and find them pathetic? Or do you wish they would find to be understood and heal all these things weighting them down so their potential could soar in Creation?
It's easier to be harder on oneself, but it isn't balanced. I accept all darkness of myself because I do not wish to feel rejection for an other-self and block at a lack of understanding of them and compassion and this lead me to love myself as I am just like I want to love others as they are. Then things flow much more naturally and all darkness slowly transmutes and all that one becomes able to see in both self and others is light, no more darkness.
Dear CA, break the inertia in any way you can. I'm sure you understand what I mean by that, as, as many here have noted, you are intelligent. Don't settle. You have the love and support of everyone here.
Hey Brother,
I had something very similar happen to me when I was 24. My mom called the emergency doctor because she was convinced I needed to be taken in. The context was a little different because I had been diagnosed with "drug induced psychosis" and was being monitored rather than sectioned. Two doctors gave me a visit and I explained to them that my mom was struggling with my own sudden transformation. The sudden realisation of my own inner power after quitting drugs had left her in a state of chaos as her own sense of identity was abruptly threatened. I was no longer dependent upon her and the sudden power shift caused her to panic. The doctors decided not to section me, but it was then that I realised I had a responsibility to parent my own mom. The ethics of remaining under her roof made the delicacy of our situation very vivid to me.
Diana's advice is brilliant. We do love and support you here, and I dearly hope you can use this opportunity to turn your attention towards what you are frightened of, and how you can turn your attention to it.
And through the process never forget that all is truly well. Big hugs!
(
)
(03-24-2017, 11:02 AM)IndigoGeminiWolf Wrote: [ -> ]She lives with me and pays no bills. But she doesn't expect much of me. I help her out. She feeds my dog when I'm away.
And when I have mental breakdowns or freak out she's there to help.
I don't understand this set up Gemini.... she pays no bills - takes all your money... so what do you pay the bills with?
are you (truly) okay with the setup?
if you are.... why do you mention it and complain about it from time to time?
feeding your dog and helping you when you breakdown is something a friend could do... for free !
It used to bother me but I have some inner peace now. I only get frustrated when she gets angry because she shows it.
I mentioned it because someone else mentioned giving their money to their mother.
(03-24-2017, 10:09 PM)IndigoGeminiWolf Wrote: [ -> ]It used to bother me but I have some inner peace now. I only get frustrated when she gets angry because she shows it.
I mentioned it because someone else mentioned giving their money to their mother.
this is frustrating for me because I care - but I will stop replying if you want -
- do you want an opportunity to explain why she gets all your money but pays no bills? is there something to your situation I don't understand or know about? it seems very very unfair