SIIIGHHH
I'm so ashamed and embarrassed to ask this of people, I couldn't even bring myself to come into this thread even after E_s talked me into making it until he kept on trying to calm me down and talk me into it. I have...A really hard time asking for help as if I were a freeloader... I'm trying to make plans for the future to move out but it all revolved around the money situation. A large part of my issue with finding a job is consistently keeping up with it, with my home life I can barely function without a job, with one it's like being ground down right towards a strong desire to go kill myself, not that that doesn't happen just living here with my mother anyways.
As you guys called it, she was bluffing. Still, while I was out trying to figure out what to do, my mother went into my room through my window (I locked the door before I left, didn't want her grabbing my stuff), and took off my door and hide or threw away the hinge bolts (not the hinges themselves) to it and was planning on throwing away the entire door.
I get a text starting with, "dont b pissed off but i took off ur door" and all I could reply was "I don't understand, I thought I didn't live there anymore", and she replies with 'Don't be ridiculous'. Playing with my mind seems to be a highlight for her controlling nature.
I'm actively looking to find a new manner of holding onto money to save up and move out eventually. Been talking to a few friends about opening up a joint bank account with them.
Sjel, if it provides perspective, my mother WAS going to put me in an institution for 3 days but 'didn't have the money'. Although considering her insurance which covers me would have covered it all, I can't tell if that too was a bluff, stacked lies, like pancakes only bitter and sour rather than yummy and sweet.
(05-19-2017, 04:46 PM)Bring4th_Jade Wrote: [ -> ]Van, have you ever heard of "Grey rock"? It's a technique that abuse victims can use to pacify their abuser.
Your mother appears to enjoy saying things that will rile you up. Maybe it's time you call her bluff and quit acting like what she says is the law that will be handed down. A lot of people have success in these situations by cutting off the supply of drama - instead of you responding like this, feeling totally distraught and lost and dependent upon your mother, you can teach yourself to have a less dramatic/emotional response, or ideally, no emotional response (at least, not in front of her) - if she doesn't get her drama from you, she has to get it elsewhere.
So that's why they call it "grey rock". You attempt to become about as interesting as a rock to the person inciting you. Anyway, I'm not sure if this is feasible in your situation (sometimes mind games like this will aggravate an abuser even more) but for those that seem to be doing is mostly unconsciously (like your mother) - just changing the "output" response from you might change what she tries to "input".
I tried googling for you and found this article. I only read the first part of it (it's long!) but it seems to be pretty legit. (If you read the whole thing and find something objectionable, let me know) http://flyingmonkeysdenied.com/2016/05/0...rspective/
Sounds PRECISELY like what I used to do to her as a teenager a bit after my parent's divorced, all it did was make her move to more messed up actions. It culminated with her physically assaulting me by grabbing me by the hair and dragging me down a hallway, after she punched a hole in my wall, called the police and told them I did it, then had me shipped to a juvenile delinquent center. Fun fact, when she came to pick me up, I refused to leave with her. The lady running the place, well, her disposition towards me flipflopped, she thought I was a smart delinquent all nice and quiet, then she saw my mother and how I was around her and the switch flipped. She wasn't supposed to, but she literally let me stay there an extra day.
Yeah, I preferred a home for juvenile delinquents to my own at one point. I'm quite honestly extremely relieved that I'm not a physically violent person despite all of this, I have my moments of rampaging, but beyond that I try to lead flies back outside when they get into the house... (I even have an entire system using light to attract them to the backdoor hah...I just turn off the kitchen light, voila).
Still, it's messed up because nothing I do works, she adapts to me, I adapt to her, I'm trying to earn her love, she's trying to keep me around in her, increasingly, lonely life. It's a vicious cycle and this is the line for me. I'm 24 and have no money, no job, and the few things I have she wants to take control of too, I can't function half the time and feel like my life has fallen far beyond apart because of how she's forced my life to unravel. I wouldn't be in student loan debt had she not forced me to go to the Art Institute otherwise she would have kicked me out, which in retrospect, was probably a lie. Had I been given the time to research everything, I would've had ONE (maybe two) Majors, not flipped between 4 or 5, I would've been in IT anyways but oriented towards Programming rather than Desktop hardware/firmware/software repair. I wouldn't have flopped between Digital Film, Media Arts/Animation, Game Design, IT, Psychology, Business/Accounting, and Philosophy. Jesus that's SEVEN majors! I was NOT READY, and now I'm suffering for it.
And while I try EXTREMELY HARD to not blame my mom and make her the reason my life has pretty much fallen apart, there is a lot of me that feels that she is the main reason why my life has pretty much fallen apart. Every attempt I made to be myself was shut down, now I can't even function in being myself independently. The idea of leaving here is so deeply frightening that I'm physically stunned with fear at the thought of it. Even being homeless is more acceptable to me than moving out for some reason.
As far as I can tell, I've an abused mindset, and my greatest fear now is...Well studies show that people who are abused in turn are abusive.
I don't want to be abusive, I've already been, others have seen it...That's not me. Not what I want to be...
So, I need to get out, an I feel like it all starts with finding a way to hold onto my own money.
(05-19-2017, 06:03 PM)Aion Wrote: [ -> ] (05-19-2017, 05:48 PM)IndigoGeminiWolf Wrote: [ -> ]Grey rock sounds like being passive aggressive.
Well in any situation such as this you can either be passive, aggressive or a combination of the two. Being passive would mean just taking the abuse. Being aggressive would mean fighting back in turn. Passive aggressiveness has a bad social connotation only because aggressive people want to fight head on and passive people want to avoid any fight at all. The fact is that it is just as regular of a defense mechanism as aggression or passivity. People who are passive aggressive usually give a negative connotation towards those who are purely aggressive or purely passive. There is no 'right' way to respond to a situation but there are different effects from different approaches. This is something I actually work with a lot in my own practice and my own self-development is learning about the difference in these approaches. I have learned that each really has its own place. Sometimes aggression is needed in order to get things moving. Sometimes passivity is needed to clear the way. Sometimes passive aggressiveness is needed in order to stand your ground.
Absolutely all of these things can be turned in to tools for manipulation, there is no denying that, but that's again not the nature of the tools but rather the nature of the one who is using them.
And to C_A, unfortunately since I don't know your area or your social situation I don't know what I may offer but emotional support for your troubled mind. I know how scary it is to be unsure if you will have your security suddenly pulled beneath your feet and it's not fun. I wish you the best of luck and wisdom on discerning a path that will aid you in both body and mind.
As someone who's had that security blanket already ripped from underneath him when my mom kicked out my PREGNANT girlfriend even after I made it precisely clear that if she does that she'd be kicking me out too, I can say... No, it's a reaaaaalllly f***** up shitty experience that ultimately led me to not getting to know my son. My ex, the mother of my son, has cited my mom as the MAJORITY reason why she didn't want me in our son's life. As long as my mom's in the picture, my son won't be.
One of the first things I'm going to try to do once I'm independent is find a line of communication with my son... With my mom out of the picture, my ex might just be okay with this despite everything that's happened between us even after the break up.
Don't ever make a small hole in a wall of a monster's house (from a bed rocking back and forth -cough-) then go on a week long trip to another state to meet your pregnant girlfriends entire family. My mother literally began harassing her mother on facebook just to make me call her up so she could tell me she's changing the locks and not to come home because we damaged a wall in the room we were living in.
We had to have her relatives buy us a supershuttle just to get back to the house to pack my little Toyota Camry full of an entire room's worth of stuff. From there it was just hell all the way until our son was born. Along the way my mother also brought the bedbugs from my old room (at the time anyway, I nazi'd those bedbugs!) to our apartment. Which you know, ended well. Not.
She then talked my half brother and his gf into moving down here, then kicked him and her out so I took them in at my apartment at the time, and then he skimped on rent because he was sleeping on the floor and was spending all his money on alcohol, so on Dec 25th stands up at dinner, tells me I'm a piece of s*** and that they won't be paying rent, all because I had an issue with his attitude cause we woke him up from a nap to eat dinner. Didn't help he was drinking all day.
Wouldn't have happened if not for my mother.
Once I'm out of here, I truly feel that I will be cutting her out of my life completely without exception.
(05-20-2017, 08:54 AM)Glow Wrote: [ -> ]CA just saw this. What is the update. I know you had an offer for a place to crash.
I can throw money in for travel expenses if that happens.
You've already donated enough to me! I can't ask you to give me more...
(05-20-2017, 01:05 PM)Glow Wrote: [ -> ]I could do similar. What is the bank issue? I'm up across the boarder in another country so not local but the bank thing seems like the first issue that needs to be remedied.
Basically long story short, I have a crapload of student debt, I think it's over 50k, probably 80k by now what with late fees and interest and whatnot. As such if I have my own bank account, any income I make will be cut to go to paying those loans.
Thing is the majority of that debt is from the Art Institute, who LIED to me about the costs. A year in I looked at what I owed versus what they said I would, the difference was literally enough to make me drop the paper.
So like, don't go to the Art Institute, they will take all your money and give you a degree that most places scoff at.
As such I'm sharing a joint acc with my mom, except every bit of money I make is at her disposal, she uses my paychecks for her bills, to help her buy more weed I presume. When I told her I was saving up to move out, suddenly my money was going to grocery shopping and paying the water, electric, netflix, internet bill...
Need I go on? I need to find my own way to keep money. It'd be very helpful if the GOVERNMENT couldn't REACH THEIR G-MANNY HANDS INTO MY PERSONAL BANK ACCOUNT, but you know, this is a free country and all, Uncle Sam is free to grab your money just because.
Also doesn't help that in order to even receive FASFA anymore you also need to sign up to be drafted in case time of war breaks out.
Education in America is a MASSIVE SCAM, please, study abroad if possible, study anywhere but inside of America, you will regret it LITERALLY for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.
(05-20-2017, 01:21 PM)Glow Wrote: [ -> ]I just googled chandler Arizona, you have farms around you CA I would start calling around. This time of year even up here in Canada we need people desperately to get the crops growing and harvested.
Some provide accommodation in some form. It might not be a computer job but it would get you fed and at least provide you with a stepping stone.
Just a thought
I thought about this a looong time ago. In thought it sounds perfect, learning how to farm is actually high up on my 'things I want to do' list, learning how to cultivate life and raise it, whether gardening or farming, just sounds so amazing.
So I looked into it. There's a few different types. There's ways to do this abroad in other countries or not abroad but within another state, such as Hawaii (would do) or somewhere on the East coast (avoid like plague). Long story short, the farms out here are
bad. I had a friend who begun working at one for room and board but she didn't realize she was pregnant at the time, once she found out, they fired her on the spot.
Arizona is a 'right to work' state, an employer can fire you for literally nothing. However, the same applies to an employee quitting. Out here, the working situation is highly apathetic, filled with unbelievably uncaring people. Those farm jobs for board, apparently are comparable to slave labor according to my friend. She'd have to wake up, be out in the field, and if you didn't work hard or fast enough you'd be threatened with being fired right there and tossed on the street there and then. They did it to her when she told them she was pregnant.
I doubt I'd last long, I'm NOT IN ANY SENSE a high energy person, I work slowly, I work methodically, I focus on details and take my time. Because if I don't I get so exhausted I have to slow down anyways. Put it this way, working an overnight job, all I really had to do was clean and take care of customers. The cleaning work wasn't physically intensive beyond the normal physical work of crouching, bending, getting on hands and knees to scrub. That alone knocks me out. I get ground down if I can't work slowly, when I get ground down I start to lose it, patience falls far away, every little thing becomes a big issue, especially if it was birthed by another employee just ignoring it and not doing their job. Which happens CONSTANTLY anywhere I've worked.
Hell, the last job I was at, McDonalds, the GM on the night shift worked with burnt meat with his BARE HANDS, after leaving them on styrofoam plates that melt and get plastic onto the meat patty before being put into a burger and served. One of the coworkers, an elderly man, was tasked singlehandedly with moving in the inventory shipments. OSHA standards require TWO people for any task that is physically hazardous like that. There was no aprons for dishwashing, the dishwashers had to leave soaking wet. No one was allowed to take home uniforms, so they had them all there, but by the time morning shift was over there was no CLEAN uniforms to wear, I would need to take a soiled uniform in the dirty bin and wear that THEN WORK WITH FOOD.
I could go on and on about the state of the work place and how it's gone out of control with apathy using 'profit' and 'numbers' as an excuse to perpetuate it further. The job before McDonalds, Einstein Bagels, they didn't even record my hours or give me a uniform and had me working 10 hour days pretty much doing all of their heavy work while everyone else just took care of customers. That didn't last long, I don't appreciate ruining my clothes for a job that is SO UNPROFESSIONAL that the boss of the GM fired an incredibly important worker for simply giving her an attitude (cause he was overworked as hell and paid like s***) and left me to work a full 7 days 10+ hours each day, without recording my hours or anything, nothing. Took them 2 months after I quit to give me my paycheck, took me threatening to sue them for them to get to it.
So, no, when I find a job, it has to be something I can live with, that I can be proud of doing. That fills me with integrity, and doesn't subject me to unprofessional apathetic uncaring employees or a dick of a manager (extremely important my manager isn't a cruel person otherwise I'm GONE! I've been managed by a monster my entire life, I don't need a second one.)
I've been trying to get hired at a hookah lounge in the area, I'm extremely passionate about the hookah experience and I have begged the manager at the hookah bar I frequent to consider me, even going as far as to tell him that the hours weren't important and I really just wanted the experience. Considering their hours are 3pm to 2am, that's so perfectly up my alley. Otherwise I'm going to look back into a gas station job, might even reapply for the one I used to work at up the street from me since my old manager is finally leaving and his boss who disliked me for not adjusting my plans to work a night I had scheduled off specifically weeks prior with my manager. He's promoted and no longer the one who looks over applications, so if I can get back in, that'd be swell.
I'm just not looking forward to potentially being robbed, again...
But yeah, those farm jobs, they look enticing but the reality is those people are cold it seems. I wouldn't last very long...
My ideal job is either a sitting job, or a very slow paced laid back job like tending a hookah bar.
I'm sorry for my vagueness, I struggled greatly with making this thread...I feel very... Ashamed and embarrassed that I need to bother others to help me just live my life... But you all have been so thoughtful...Along with E_s's pushing me and not letting me just give up... Thank you everyone for your support, it is almost literally life changing for me it feels like.
I've been working on programming, although I've been more focused on the writing and graphic art portions of my overall plans than the actual programming (mostly because the programming part I want to tackle solely after I've gotten everything else up like cornerstones). I have plans, plans on how to live, plans on what to learn, life plans...They didn't go the way I ever thought they would but that's life, and so I need to adapt.
I'm glad to have you all helping me, it's greatly uplifting for the spirit!