Bring4th

I am devoid of anything. Primarily confused. I am saying random words to my brother and mother because I feel nothing. They are probably scared.

I feel hate occasionally, and love. No feelings though. some glimpses of what joy is to come, eventually.

See little glimpses of my smiling guides, my smiling friends. I'm definitely going insane.

Definitely approaching insanity. Yet my head is increadibly clear. I purposely leave the a in incredibly. This combination of clarity and confusion!

Help me? But I can only help myself?

(07-17-2017, 04:15 PM)sjel Wrote: [ -> ]I am devoid of anything. Primarily confused. I am saying random words to my brother and mother because I feel nothing. They are probably scared.

I feel hate occasionally, and love. No feelings though. some glimpses of what joy is to come, eventually.

See little glimpses of my smiling guides, my smiling friends. I'm definitely going insane.

Definitely approaching insanity. Yet my head is increadibly clear. I purposely leave the a in incredibly. This combination of clarity and confusion!

Help me? But I can only help myself?

Communicate with someone you have in your immediate relationships. I know it can be scary to become vulnerable to the people you care about, I have been there. Dropping the masquerade and being sincere is hard but liberating and a giant step in geting your sh*t together. if you are a weed smoker, get rid of your stach and take at least a six week break and don´t use it unless you want to amplify the totality of your life situation. I believe in you <3

Can you just be honest with your family about what you're going through? It breaks my heart that you recognize you need help but you can't ask anybody for it.

(07-17-2017, 05:18 PM)rva_jeremy Wrote: [ -> ]Can you just be honest with your family about what you're going through?  It breaks my heart that you recognize you need help but you can't ask anybody for it.

Yes, I told them the only thing I know about my current state of being is "confused." They are tense though and I am relaxed, relatively. I just feel a void!

The line seems to be blurring between self and other-self. So now my self-abuse in my own head can extend to other-self abuse. I am seeing other entities as my own mind, and so I am being equally hurtful to them as I am to myself.

(07-17-2017, 04:15 PM)sjel Wrote: [ -> ]See little glimpses of my smiling guides, my smiling friends.

I should clarify what I mean by this. I mean that there is some consciousness within my perception that is once or perhaps twice removed from the standard definition of "Self" that is allowing me to be aware that somehow, this situation is perfect. This consciousness is perhaps my higher self, or parts of my social memory complex, or incarnation guides or something. Very confusing state I am in for sure

The less that the people in my life mirror me, the crazier I become. If I have spiritual friends IN REAL LIFE, then I become very lucid. If there is nobody in my life that I can talk to about the things that actually matter to me, then I get a lil' crazy.

So if you want someone to talk to, let me know. It can take a couple hours worth of conversation to satisfy the heart.

So Sjel, I have been noticing the last while you've been posting thoughts that are more self limiting and fearful.

Sometimes the mind isn't to be trusted, especially when it's in a negative loop..
Are you able to shut it off? Stop trying to "figure stuff out" for a while, even a few days. You can't have the answers to the riddle of humanity and the universe and all this stuff. There are no answers but it seems you keep trying to solve the riddle. This isn't a judgment just someone noticing you treading water who cares.

Can you break away for a bit? Just be, or do things that shut off the analytical side for a bit so you can reset to a better loop?

Either way. Many hugs to you. Love you, remember what a bright light you are.

(07-17-2017, 07:05 PM)Glow Wrote: [ -> ]Can you break away for a bit? Just be, or do things that shut  off the analytical side for a bit so you can reset to a better loop?

This is the best. I stopped trying, temporarily. Just am doing, without thinking, really. not resisting. Silent awareness??? AMMM I THERE??? always.

notice that I am you

(07-17-2017, 06:58 PM)GentleReckoning Wrote: [ -> ]The less that the people in my life mirror me, the crazier I become. If I have spiritual friends IN REAL LIFE, then I become very lucid. If there is nobody in my life that I can talk to about the things that actually matter to me, then I get a lil' crazy.

So if you want someone to talk to, let me know. It can take a couple hours worth of conversation to satisfy the heart.

I may take you up on that, randomly

Spiritual friends are hard to find

Friends are hard to find

I'm here too.

(07-17-2017, 04:15 PM)sjel Wrote: [ -> ]Help me? But I can only help myself?

Low on clarity? Low on light?

Ra provides a simple answer to that problem.

Quote:Ra: [...] In this density an increase in the serving of others or the serving of self will almost inevitably increase the ability of an entity to enjoy an higher intensity of light. [...]

Quote:Ra: [...] The spiraling energy, which is the characteristic of what you call “light,” moves in straight line spiral thus giving spirals an inevitable vector upwards to a more comprehensive beingness with regards to intelligent infinity. [...]

I don't know if this helps, but it might be worth thinking about.

Dear sjel... I'm going to just "put this 'out there'.."

I've read nearly every single post you've made to B4th for over the last year.

I also listened to your audio recording where you were first improvising, then hammering on your keyboards; ending up crying and screaming; and your mother attempting to soothe you.

From 3 decades of direct personal experience (with myself, with friends, and 2 boyfriends), my feedback is - if you continue to use drugs the way you have been, you're going to develop an increasingly dissociative state of mind, with increasing de-realization; depersonalization; and may eventually become psychotic.

I've experienced friends of mine (and myself as well) enduring various degrees of depression, de-realisation, psychosis and/or schizophrenia from drug/alcohol use/abuse
and from your posts; particularly this one - I'm fairly sure unless you take a long break from drug use; and reach out for whatever help your family and health professionals or spiritual healers you choose to see, can provide;this is where you're headed.


One of my dearest friends was an intense spiritual searcher/truth seeker/wanderer - constantly seeking metaphysical experiences and 'answers' through drugs rather than through natural (energetic) spiritual development/metaphysical apprenticeship.

He now lives with drug-induced schizophrenia; which hasn't been a positive contribution to his life.

He's experienced loss of: freedom, income, health, sanity, safety, and personal happiness; and has caused himself, close friends and family; years of trauma; and massive expense, fear and anxiety.
He's learnt the hard way that there are no shortcuts to enlightenment.

I really hope you'll give some thought to my incredibly painful learning about this topic. I really hope you'll get professional help and take a timeout from continually disrupting your brain chemistry, and allow your neurotransmitters some time to repair and reboot, and your grasp on 3D to become secure again, so you can do what you incarnated here to achieve.

Personally, I spend half my life in 3D the rest in various natural (ie: "sober") states of altered perception; but I'm not advocating you never have recreational drug experiences... however, at this point - you're imploding - when you should be flowering .

imo - it's time to chronicle what you've been learning and be in 3D for a while.

You also have some deeply difficult and necessary healing to do around your father (and probably other issues)
.. it's time to look after your physical and emotional 'bodies'/selves.

You've prioritised metaphysics over physics... this is an imbalance.

Imbalance isn't liveable - not long term. Strive for balance.

Tai Chi, Aikido, Yoga, running, swimming, horses... being with creatures - whatever activity to get back into your wild, instinctual, sober, animal Self...

Drugs have 'tamed' you.. sedated and confused you... taken you on some amazing journeys but now are taking you down dead-end streets...  you've assumed what you're doing is only a good thing.

I'll quote the alchemist Paracelus (dob: 1493)

"The dose makes the poison."

("The original quote is:

German: 'Alle Ding sind Gift und nichts ohn' Gift; allein die Dosis macht, das ein Ding kein Gift ist.

English: All things are poison and nothing (is) without poison; only the dose makes that a thing is no poison.

In other words, the amount of a substance a person is exposed to is as important as the nature of the substance. For example, small doses of aspirin can be beneficial to a person, but at very high doses, this common medicine can be deadly. In some individuals, even at very low doses, aspirin may be deadly.")

So imo you've had 'too much dosage'. It's like a glass of wine isn't poisonous (to most healthy adults) but sculling a bottle of spirits will kill you - thus "the dose makes the poison"

You could also consider that you may be predisposed to depression/disassociation/mental illness/schizophrenia. As well as considering that you're not exploring your natural (sober) extrasensory skills; and may in fact, be blunting, impairing, them.

You very likely have inborn talents for clairaudience/clairsentience/clairvoyance that you're not naturally developing; and even may be risking the development of; by artificially changing your brain structures so regularly.

This will be my one and only reply on this. I've been very concerned about you for a long time (and other members here as well)... and this is the best advice I have to offer.
I hope any of it may be of some help for you.

 

I wish you well, brother. Do not give up.

Hey Sjel, I would recommend walking in nature, if you're able to. The silence in mind really helps. Is there a fear of letting go of certain thoughts? Those repeating tapes really are not helpful, they only go in loops. Are you familiar with Ra's balancing exercise? That may be helpful as well.

So my advice is to just find and sustain the silence. Surrender to the silence. With the mind quiet, the subconscious can come through, meaning that thoughts or feelings that aren't making sense to you can be known and seen and understood, thereby lessening their effects.

Anyway, we love you. I enjoy your presence on the forum. Don't beat yourself up for having negative emotions! It's okay to feel whatever you're feeling. Help is always available. Ask the angels to just be with you and comfort and nurture you. They are quite happy to do that but need our permission first.

May Love and Light be with you, my friend.

(07-18-2017, 07:59 AM)smc Wrote: [ -> ]Imbalance isn't liveable - not long term. Strive for balance.

Tai Chi, Aikido, Yoga, running, swimming, horses... being with creatures - whatever activity to get back into your wild, instinctual, sober, animal Self...

Drugs have 'tamed' you.. sedated and confused you... taken you on some amazing journeys but now are taking you down dead-end streets...  you've assumed what you're doing is only a good thing.

I don't know as much as SMC about you Sjel, but I agree with the above. It seems common for those compelled to evolve spiritually to forget or deny the importance of the physical. We are physical beings at least while we are here. We are also more than that, but everything affects everything else.

The above bolded is excellent advice, not just for you but for everyone. Sometimes, just going to one yoga class is enough to dissipate the buildup of emotional charge. And grounding yourself in nature is vital. We wear shoes all the time; live in houses. Stand on the ground barefooted. Instead of being locked continually in the family dynamics and the roles we unwittingly assume, break the pattern by taking care of self with common sense—exercise and nature.

(07-18-2017, 07:59 AM)smc Wrote: [ -> ]Drugs have 'tamed' you.. sedated and confused you... taken you on some amazing journeys but now are taking you down dead-end streets...  you've assumed what you're doing is only a good thing.

Haven't used drugs of any kind in months.

(07-18-2017, 08:53 AM)Nau7ik Wrote: [ -> ]Hey Sjel, I would recommend walking in nature, if you're able to. The silence in mind really helps. Is there a fear of letting go of certain thoughts? Those repeating tapes really are not helpful, they only go in loops. Are you familiar with Ra's balancing exercise? That may be helpful as well.

(07-18-2017, 11:38 AM)Diana Wrote: [ -> ]The above bolded is excellent advice, not just for you but for everyone. Sometimes, just going to one yoga class is enough to dissipate the buildup of emotional charge. And grounding yourself in nature is vital. We wear shoes all the time; live in houses. Stand on the ground barefooted. Instead of being locked continually in the family dynamics and the roles we unwittingly assume, break the pattern by taking care of self with common sense—exercise and nature.

I meditate 30 minutes a day at least, do yoga, and Tai Chi, every single day. I never miss a day. I do my TAi Chi barefoot on my grass every day. I feel like I say this every time I post one of these helpless threads. It's kind of frustrating to keep hearing the same advice over and over. I DO THAT STUFF YOU KEEP RECOMMENDING. I ground myself in my grass every morning, sometimes for two hours.

There is a THICK, BROWN, SMOG HAZE over my city, and my brother and mom literally pass it off as normal. As if it shouldn't affect my moods. So I am quite alone in being allergic to this poisonous air.



And what's more, now they will not let me use the car to go to my open mics, my only time I leave the house anymore, and to go hiking at frazier park. I'm literally trapped. How much freakin' more do I have to passively accept??!? Should I just steal the car and go up to the Redwood forests where the air is clear and the life is abundant and green?? I'm very seriously considering this. This town is an ebbing and flowing cesspool of diseased air. Seriously.

How do you keep a pure soul when NO ONE IN YOUR FAMILY BELIEVES THAT THE AIR QUALITY IS REFLECTIVE OF SPIRITUAL VIBRATIONS, your DAD HAS LEFT BECAUSE HE'S TOO POISONOUS TO EVEN BE IN THE HOUSE, and NOW THEY WON'T TRUST ME ENOUGH TO TAKE THE CAR TO THE ONLY FOREST WITHIN 40 MILES OF MY HOUSE.

This is too fucking much. I am trapped in a sickness. A smoggy sickness. I'm not joking with you, the air is LITERALLY BROWN AND I AM TRAPPED HERE AWAY FROM TREES. Unless I grab the car when they're looking the other way and floor the pedal till I get to Yosemite.

Regarding the air quality, if you can't reasonably get to nature for whatever reason, there are quite a few good air purifiers for under $100 (do lots of research, or I can make a recommendation, because they are not all created equally and some air purifiers don't do much). They might help you feel a little better when you're indoors.

(07-18-2017, 12:59 PM)sjel Wrote: [ -> ]I meditate 30 minutes a day at least, do yoga, and Tai Chi, every single day. I never miss a day. I do my TAi Chi barefoot on my grass every day. I feel like I say this every time I post one of these helpless threads. It's kind of frustrating to keep hearing the same advice over and over. I DO THAT STUFF YOU KEEP RECOMMENDING. I ground myself in my grass every morning, sometimes for two hours.

There is a THICK, BROWN, SMOG HAZE over my city, and my brother and mom literally pass it off as normal. As if it shouldn't affect my moods. So I am quite alone in being allergic to this poisonous air.

And what's more, now they will not let me use the car to go to my open mics, my only time I leave the house anymore, and to go hiking at frazier park. I'm literally trapped. How much freakin' more do I have to passively accept??!? Should I just steal the car and go up to the Redwood forests where the air is clear and the life is abundant and green?? I'm very seriously considering this. This town is an ebbing and flowing cesspool of diseased air. Seriously.

How do you keep a pure soul when NO ONE IN YOUR FAMILY BELIEVES THAT THE AIR QUALITY IS REFLECTIVE OF SPIRITUAL VIBRATIONS, your DAD HAS LEFT BECAUSE HE'S TOO POISONOUS TO EVEN BE IN THE HOUSE, and NOW THEY WON'T TRUST ME ENOUGH TO TAKE THE CAR TO THE ONLY FOREST WITHIN 40 MILES OF MY HOUSE.

This is too fucking much. I am trapped in a sickness. A smoggy sickness. I'm not joking with you, the air is LITERALLY BROWN AND I AM TRAPPED HERE AWAY FROM TREES. Unless I grab the car when they're looking the other way and floor the pedal till I get to Yosemite.

I apologize for repeating suggestions based on not knowing you very well.

I get it about the brown haze. My only suggestion is to find a way to live where you want in your own way.

(07-18-2017, 12:47 PM)sjel Wrote: [ -> ]

(07-18-2017, 07:59 AM)smc Wrote: [ -> ]Drugs have 'tamed' you.. sedated and confused you... taken you on some amazing journeys but now are taking you down dead-end streets...  you've assumed what you're doing is only a good thing.

Haven't used drugs of any kind in months.

But you have used drugs prior to that. And at times on a regular basis.
[For some people - mental illness can be triggered by only using once.]

If what you describe to us isn't from drugs... what do you think is causing you to "poisonously" abuse you mother and brother; and your deep unhappiness, depression and hallucinations?

A second question - have you ever worked or volunteered anywhere?

Lastly - what do YOU think is the remedy to your situation?

(07-18-2017, 08:53 AM)Nau7ik Wrote: [ -> ]So my advice is to just find and sustain the silence. Surrender to the silence. With the mind quiet, the subconscious can come through, meaning that thoughts or feelings that aren't making sense to you can be known and seen and understood, thereby lessening their effects.

Anyway, we love you. I enjoy your presence on the forum. Don't beat yourself up for having negative emotions! It's okay to feel whatever you're feeling. Help is always available. Ask the angels to just be with you and comfort and nurture you. They are quite happy to do that but need our permission first.

May Love and Light be with you, my friend.

My own anger is keeping me here. If I were not angry, a hundred pathways would open up for me. I need to find silence first, even within this smoggy environment, and only then can I find a path that is not an escape but a continuation of my inner silence.

It's really hard, REALLY hard, not to want to escape this hot smothering smog.

(07-18-2017, 01:18 PM)smc Wrote: [ -> ]what do you think is causing you to "poisonously" abuse you mother and brother; and your deep unhappiness, depression and hallucinations?

A second question - have you ever worked or volunteered anywhere?

Lastly - what do YOU think is the remedy to your situation?

I worked at a math tutoring center for kids for two years. I was really good at it. Then suddenly I quit two weeks ago. I just didn't want to work there anymore. I also failed out of my classes. The third time I've failed out of college courses I might add.

My poison comes from resistance to the poison in this environment I think

I am reacting to poison with poison it seems

(07-18-2017, 12:47 PM)sjel Wrote: [ -> ]

(07-18-2017, 07:59 AM)smc Wrote: [ -> ]Drugs have 'tamed' you.. sedated and confused you... taken you on some amazing journeys but now are taking you down dead-end streets...  you've assumed what you're doing is only a good thing.

Haven't used drugs of any kind in months.

I don't know anything about your usage, but I've worked with addicts/long term-users of drugs (long term as in years, on a weekly basis) of various sorts, and even after they are clean for a few months, it usually takes years rather than months for them to fully recover from their usage, and manic feelings are common in the first year. 

Hell one person I've seen - a woman who as a teenager chugged a bottle of lsd as a dare in one gulp - around 400 doses - never fully recovered, and to this day - almost 10 years later - takes psychiatry medication as she otherwise is in a permanent state of hallucination.

(07-18-2017, 01:13 PM)Diana Wrote: [ -> ]I apologize for repeating suggestions based on not knowing you very well.

I get it about the brown haze. My only suggestion is to find a way to live where you want in your own way.

I'm angry, and my anger is a cycle, a loop that gravitationally keeps me in a perceived "shitty situation." That really can be the only answer to this. I need to find the silence inwardly, FIRST, and THEN the environment will change to reflect that. The End. Time to go meditate, angrily.

Just wrote this to myself in my notebook. Maybe you guys will appreciate and benefit from how far I just progressed suddenly in the last five minutes.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


Hey. Stop.

Remember this,
     Fuckin always you forgetful f***

literally, your own choice in perception
governs your experience. 100%.

Every experience
Every situation
Is the correct one
Every path the correct path

LITERALLY FUCKING DESIGNED TO AWAKEN YOU

and when the universe notices that you don't
need negative situations to prove that to you

    you will begin to accelerate, rapidly,
    on an ever-expanding path that is
    exponentially more harmonious every
    step of the way

feel the acceptance growing within you?
mixed with a little reluctance?
     That reluctance necessitates a gouging out
   with the ruthlessly loving scalpel of 'negative experience.'

(07-17-2017, 04:15 PM)sjel Wrote: [ -> ]I'm definitely going insane.

Osho said, "Some people try to stay sane. But they are stupid."

(07-18-2017, 02:54 PM)sjel Wrote: [ -> ]

(07-17-2017, 04:15 PM)sjel Wrote: [ -> ]I'm definitely going insane.

Osho said, "Some people try to stay sane. But they are stupid."

Osho doesn't know what he's talking about. he's just a charlatan.
In a video he said men that shave their beards look like women.

I recommend watching Ajahn Brahm videos on youtube. he's a buddist monk. when I was mentally ill, he had a very good effect on me!

(07-18-2017, 02:54 PM)sjel Wrote: [ -> ]

(07-17-2017, 04:15 PM)sjel Wrote: [ -> ]I'm definitely going insane.

Osho said, "Some people try to stay sane. But they are stupid."

You just made me lol

I think if he said that he didn't mean we should loose our ability to function,and be happy.

Still it made me giggle, out of context so thank you.

(07-18-2017, 03:40 PM)Cainite Wrote: [ -> ]

(07-18-2017, 02:54 PM)sjel Wrote: [ -> ]

(07-17-2017, 04:15 PM)sjel Wrote: [ -> ]I'm definitely going insane.

Osho said, "Some people try to stay sane. But they are stupid."

Osho doesn't know what he's talking about. he's just a charlatan.
In a video he said men that shave their beards look like women.

That is a judgement you cannot possible know to be truth.
We all have our distortions and our piece of the truth to share. Why should Osho or anyone else be expected to be perfect?
He has been very useful to many fostering courage in others to break free from their indoctrination.

All gurus are imperfect just like us. or is that perfect just like us? perfectly imperfect just like us.

(07-18-2017, 03:40 PM)Cainite Wrote: [ -> ]I recommend watching Ajahn Brahm videos on youtube. he's a buddist monk. when I was mentally ill, he had a very good effect on me!

Listen to Metal.