(08-04-2017, 08:04 AM)Cainite Wrote: [ -> ]Is this something that Orion and other negative influences on earth plant in my head?
I feel like I can kill without anger being a necessity.
I can see how this could help in battlefield. Because recently I had this dream in which I led my fellow soldiers out of a very desperate situation.
I despise the fact that I can be like psychopaths. or military people.. with the dominating eyes and everything.
I don't think there is anything random about the way we are. Nor do I think that we are subjects of an external fate that has made us the way we are. We are who we are as a result of our experience, the way we have or have not responded to that experience, the injuries and wounds we have received, the work we have or have not done to know and accept ourselves, and so forth.
Negative acts and negative beings have certainly played a part in all of our experiences. We exist in a polarized consciousness and on this planet live in a plane of mixed polarity. We are shaped by these forces. But you Cainite are who you are only insofar as you create who you are, even if that happens largely on a subconscious level. In other words, you are not a victim of negative forces.
Your feelings have roots in you. They trace back to traumas and wounds you've received. Or beliefs you've taken on. Or distortions of understanding about yourself. Who knows, perhaps you
were involved in wars in past lives and carry the forgotten scars within you. (Given the bellicose nature of our history, I think it not unlikely.)
I think a good place to start is to accept yourself for having these feelings. You are, ultimately, all things, are you not? Should you then judge the discovery of different aspects of yourself?
But it makes you uncomfortable. I can understand that. I'm in discomfort over my own experience of anger and animosity. It is uncomfortable not to feel whole, or connected, or at peace, or operating from a place of love that sees the Creator in self and others.
I think that acceptance, forgiveness, and self-knowledge are steps on the long road of healing. On that road, that which is not needed falls away.
That you still have these thoughts and feelings, therefore, indicates that these are still needed parts of your experience. They are still teaching you something, offering you a lesson, showing you some as-of-yet unhealed aspect of yourself. Take your attention compassionately into these parts of yourself and listen. Look for what's hidden underneath. Find where the hurt and vulnerability are.