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Brittany

So...lately I've been in the process of confronting my shadow self in a rather abrupt way. Because of various events in my life I've been forced to not only discover but dive deeply into my own inner darkness. This is something I’ve gone through on numerous occasions, but never have I been able to look at myself with such an honest perspective. In the past I’ve always tended to blame these negative thoughts and feelings on other people, life circumstances or evil entities hiding in my closet.

However, I’ve come to realize that if I do not address these issues with a completely honest, objective disposition I am going to become so consumed by this struggle that I am going to lose my grip on reality and no longer be able to function in this program we call life. I’ve discovered a lot of dark thoughts that, as much as I sometimes wish they were, were not planted in my head by demons, nor were they forced upon me by any circumstance that would allow me to play the victim. They were created by my own emotions and inner turmoil, and by repressing them for decades now they have practically gained their own consciousness. Still, though this dark being inside of me seems so foreign, I can no longer deny the fact that it is simply a facet of my own soul that I have chosen to ignore.

In attempting to accept this part of myself, I’ve had to come to some realizations. One of those is that I simply like the dark side better. It doesn’t necessarily seem fun, but it seems like something I could adapt to better than all of these randomly exploding emotions and frustrating attempts to understand why other people do what they do. The discipline and control...those appeal to me a lot. The dark magic...that appeals to me even more. Many of the abilities I already possess would help me greatly on this path, while I have to discard them completely while following the STO path. If you look at it as a simple logical equation, I should be signing my name on the STS roster right now.

So there’s logic for you. But, in spite of all that, for some reason, I’m still here, trying to be STO. Why? When I look at it in my head, this path seems harder. It seems more painful, and utterly frustrating a great deal of the time. But something pushes me toward the light path, even if I kick and scream along the way. Something in my heart refuses to die, and perhaps it is my inability to bring myself to cut that something out of myself that brings me here.

I care about people, damn it, even though half the time I don’t want to. I don’t understand them. Many of them hurt me and think nothing about it. But still I care and that’s just how it is. I couldn’t not care if I tried. Perhaps it’s my empathetic nature...if I can feel the pain of others, how can I not have compassion? If I hurt them, I truly hurt myself in a literal sense. If I were to cut someone open, my flesh would feel their wound as well. Sometimes it seems like a cruel joke, but then I wonder if it was something I chose to have in a last ditch attempt to reverse a negative polarity that I’ve been building for lifetimes. Something, somewhere along the way, has pierced that shield and stabbed straight into my heart. It hurts when love gushes out like blood, but once you’ve felt true, unconditional love, how can you ever go back?

This has caused me a tremendous deal of confusion. I was content in believing that, after awakening and discovering the joy of universal love, that I could simply ride the wave all the way into the next density, but now I’ve realized that there is much balancing work to be done. I can’t simply stomp out my darker nature and pretend to be a saint. I have to accept all of myself...even the parts that have desires and motivations that my waking consciousness finds frightening. And then, somehow, I have to smoosh all of that together into one thing that somehow will come out at one end or the other...it seems like from this perspective that a person would always just be caught in the middle.

In the end, the best way I have been able to handle it is to once again take up logic, and turn it into a sort of mathematical formulation. I’ve added up the pros and cons of both sides after studying both of them in depth, and in the end, STO seems, in the long run, more logical, productive and beneficial to both myself and those around me, even if the ride there is more bumpy. So I take the logical choice and keep on the STO path...but that sounds so cold. Is it possible to be a positive person, not because emotion has moved you to that polarity, but because it seems like a solid choice that will produce sound results? Much confusion indeed...

Whatever I am at the moment, I know this:

The sight of a beautiful sunset can still move me to tears.

Seeing other people happy makes me happy.

I realize that both light and shadow are necessary to maintain the cycles of the universe, and I accept that all is perfect in its own right.

I have a love for my Creator that will not die, in spite of any dark feelings I have, any negative choices I make, any paths I take or any traumas I suffer. Whatever my feelings on the matter, this love is more potent than any other force acting upon my person, and I cannot deny it in any way, no matter how hard I may try.

In the end, I guess I’m just me, as always. I just wanted to share these feelings, as I feel they have played an immense role in my discovery of self and a higher power. Sorry for the long post, yall.
Comprehending Oneness on an intellectual level isn't hard. Living it, on the other hand, is the work of an eternity. That's why it takes 7 vibrational levels to get there.

Don't be too disappointed in yourself. I'm struggling too. Realize that you are here to undertake just such a struggle. Try to enjoy the journey. We all want immediate reunion with the Creator but that doesn't happen. We were immensely brave to volunteer for this degree of perceived separation.

I suspect that Bring4th is one of the best support groups for folks like us. We are here, doing our best, all coping with the same obstacles. I take some comfort in the knowledge that God grows greater with every event that we perceive and experience.
It takes a lot of courage to look inside yourself and try to find the deeper motivations for things. Congratulations on doing what's so hard to do! I really do suck terribly with words... lol! which is why I don't post much here. But I think I should really share how I feel and give you a word of support in these trying situations. Smile Like Eddie said, bring4th is probably one of the best support groups you'll find! We're here with you.

It's interesting that you say you like the dark side better, and you can logically see the attractiveness and suitability of the STS path for yourself. And yet you find yourself in this situation, trying to balance these human emotions. I'm willing to bet that whatever's "pushing you" towards the STO path, is either, as you say, a part of your soul, or your guidance system. (which is closer than your own heartbeat) Perhaps you or your guidance thought it best for you to have this loving human experience at this time. Who knows? All you can really do to find out is go with it. Make your decision and stick with it through and through! Smile

ahktu Wrote:This has caused me a tremendous deal of confusion. I was content in believing that, after awakening and discovering the joy of universal love, that I could simply ride the wave all the way into the next density, but now I’ve realized that there is much balancing work to be done.

I thought the same thing too. It's impossible to sit back and allow love to flow if you have distortions blocking it. Simple, but true! Smoothing them out brings a much more rewarding and enriching flow of love, but it's a definite challenge!

ahktu Wrote:So I take the logical choice and keep on the STO path...but that sounds so cold. Is it possible to be a positive person, not because emotion has moved you to that polarity, but because it seems like a solid choice that will produce sound results? Much confusion indeed...

I think it's possible! You're demonstrating it right now... haha! Tongue I say don't worry about just how you've arrived at the choice to take this polarity. As long as it comes from your heart, it's valid! There are an infinite amount of logical reasons to finally arrive at the gates of love. You probably won't know your specific one until you're once more out of incarnation.

ahktu Wrote:I have a love for my Creator that will not die, in spite of any dark feelings I have, any negative choices I make, any paths I take or any traumas I suffer.

I share that with you! Your Creator is my Creator. Smile No matter which way we come out of It, how we dance and shoot around the Universe in the interim, and how we go back in, it's all for the same ultimate purpose.
Compassion with wisdom. Compassion drives us to STO because we can feel and understand and relate. When people are happy it is contagious. When people are laughing across the room you can't help but smile. Wisdom brings balance, because if you smile too much your mouth muscles hurt. Wisdom tells you when you are being too selfless and then STS kicks in. It may look selfish to feel the need to go back and balance it. 51% is almost balance. When service to others takes our energy and drains us...we must use our wisdom to balance and serve ourselves again. When I try to imagine 95% STS it is almost incomprehensible to me. I don't believe that even a large percentage of our criminals are that much.
Please, if you cry at a sunset and laugh when people laugh then you are probably sailing your boat pretty center. The dark side balances the light side. It is useful to us in that balancing. I have a hard time imagining a person 95% STO as well. Neither one sounds like much fun to me.
Enjoying the idea of using your magic..enjoyment of feeling powerful is not always a STS thing. If you are radiating your true self at any time during any endeavor and not judging but merely expressing it is a service to the creator and then to others. If it doesn't hurt you, how can it hurt others. It hurts you if you judge yourself as wrong. That's why we have to examine each and every one of our belief systems with scrutiny. If it feels wrong...you have to ask yourself why... did someone tell me it was...or do I really feel it is wrong. That process in itself is a STO act. Because if you become more joyful in your expressions, no matter what they are, so do they.
I am not strictly educated by the Ra Material, and most of my posts come from my own inner truths. Take them or ignore them with my best wishes.

fairyfarmgirl

Yes, Ahktu, this time of no more secrets is very trying! I can relate to the difficulty in accepting one's own darkness. Confronting darkness seems to be an oxymoron to me as the Dark thrives on confrontation! I simply wish to accept it and transmute it and then rest wherever I am at on the Spiral of Life. It is so challenging to feel these feelings of anger and frusteration and to also feel lifetimes of crap that we have stored under LAL (look at later)--- so now it is the later time to look at all that stuff: forgive it and let it go. Being in the Flow is an aspect of Oneness-- Many (including myself) are being called to the task of being in the flow--- and it is a rather challenging task to be called to. Flowing when there are so many obstacles--- the challenge is to accept one must flow around stuff. The very act of accepting one must flow around stuff transmutes the stuff one is flowing around. It is simply and complex to understand all at once.

I wish you well, Ahtu as you journey back to yourSelf.

--fairyfarmgirl

Brittany

Thank you, all, for reminding me that I have good people willing to help me out even if I'm not feeling particularly loving or even sane. Your simple understanding and encouragement is a service to me that constantly rekindles my desire to serve others. Being able to share in both my and your struggles lets me know I am not alone in these feelings and we are all in this together, which is a very comforting thought.

I have often pondered this curiosity: do STS entities...we'll get more specific and say something along the lines of the guys in Orion, since I realize this is a broad field...still have a way of comprehending beauty? I just wonder if they have art, or if they sing or dance or practice any religion or anything like that. How do they express themselves? It seems very confusing...if you were Service to Self, you think you'd put emphasis on expressing your individuality and not being like anyone else, but the overall mindset seems to be to squash out any kind of freedom of thought. So what form does self expression take in that kind of environment? I know this isn't a matter of urgency, but I find myself wondering about it from time to time. Would being STS automatically make you an athiest? That doesn't even seem possible at that vibrational level. I personally think many of these entities are much more than we expect them to be...that their personalities and modes of expression are just as rich and complex as ours. It makes it easier to see that they are still our brothers and sisters, in spite of their dark preferences.

Any thoughts on this?

fairyfarmgirl

Well, Hitler and Himmler were big Art Collectors. I seem to have read somewhere that they were also vegetarians. So much for being a vegetarian makes you more compassionate. LOL

They also felt great pride concerning their dogs.

Ghangis Khan enjoyed collecting the most beautiful women of the peoples he conquered.

Based on those observations and historical accounts, I would make the educated guess that STS gains energy with partaking in the plunders that are pleasing to thier senses. Not really expressing beauty. As beauty is an aspect of LOVE---

I have seen that many STS are HIVE minded and utilize a pyramid structure of social ordering. So not much individuality there except at the very very very top of the pyramid structure--- the Queen if you will is individualized and everything else is her minions. It would be de-polarizing to allow the minions self-expression--- and detrimental to the HIVE.

fairyfarmgirl
ahktu Wrote:I have often pondered this curiosity: do STS entities...we'll get more specific and say something along the lines of the guys in Orion, since I realize this is a broad field...still have a way of comprehending beauty? I just wonder if they have art, or if they sing or dance or practice any religion or anything like that. How do they express themselves?

Well, the method of expression probably vastly varies from place to place! But here on Earth, I can only hazard a guess - something like the Roman coliseum with its pitching of battles to the death comes to mind.

ahktu Wrote:Would being STS automatically make you an athiest? That doesn't even seem possible at that vibrational level. I personally think many of these entities are much more than we expect them to be...that their personalities and modes of expression are just as rich and complex as ours. It makes it easier to see that they are still our brothers and sisters, in spite of their dark preferences.

I don't see how being STS would automatically make you Atheist. Confused STS entities view themselves as the Creator above all else, so if there's any sense of godliness, it is in the self and for the self only. Atheism, on the other hand, simply states the idea that there is no God whatsoever outside of the idea in mankind's head, and that the Universe forms itself randomly. I don't think that's necessarily a STS interpretation of the Universe. I think it's just a way overly-logical way of looking at it.

I agree with your thoughts that many STS entities are much more than we expect them to be. Their sense of self surely must go as deep as ours, right? They've got to be just as unique. Smile
No they are not Atheist. Not from what I have gathered. In fact they are very aware they are co-creators. That's how they have so much "power", and yes very Hive minded. Here is the best information I ever read on the subject...His name was Hidden Hand and he said that the Ra Material was very good at 80% accurate. (I believe the probability time lines might have changed since then toward a more positive harvest) http://www.abovetopsecret.com/forum/thread402958/pg1

even if the information is false...it rang true to me on some level. I was looking for loopholes and didn't find any.

Brittany

This probably sounds dumb, but I have this "memory" of this STS world I feel like I used to live on a LONG time ago. I've realized by now that these memories and pictures I see in my head could easily just be some form of fantasy, but I still feel a strong sense of connection to them. It was a rather dark and depressing place, to be sure, but the architecture was rather stunning. I remember this temple that people went to and worshipped some kind of snake god. A lot of the statues there were beautiful. Dark, but still beautiful. Kind of in a gothic sense.
There was this amazingly complex societal heirarchy, and everyone seemed to both be fighting fiercely to maintain whatever it was they perceived themselves to be and trying to make other people forget how important that was so they would be good little slaves. It seemed like everyone was "owned" by someone else, and there were rituals that would let you steal another person's essence and absorb it into yourself, so whoever you were below, your energy pretty much belonged to them.
However, intelligence was very much valued and considered an important asset. If you were stupid, you were automatically a slave. These beings were extremely cunning, constantly trying to outsmart each other in their games. I just don't see them as the "stupid" minions I've heard described, unable to even function without some sort of direct order. If anything, the intellect was considered one of the most valuable assets there.
Of course, as I said, this could all be something my subconscious made up, but it seems so clear. I think this is why I think on these things so often.
And so it would rightly seem that in order to not be a slave or minion to others beliefs and intentions is an act of STS. And so in order to serve others we must remain true to self (STS). Which is a service to others. Until one day you find some kind of balance between the two.
It would seem natural that you had experienced that "old" consciousness to remind yourself how far we have come. Balancing the intellect with compassion.

Brittany

Thanks for the link, Seagrass, though I have a hard time stomaching that website because, as usual, there is a complete lack of maturity when it comes to posting. I've left so many forums because all of the responses just turn into flame wars. Still, if you can ignore all that, I would say this is a reference to the Annunaki mythology- a topic I study quite frequently. My main beef with this poster is that he would post something like that and expect anyone to take it seriously. Even if he was the real deal, posting such things on an online forum is just asking for complete degredation. Pearls before swine, as the good book says.
(09-01-2010, 07:55 PM)ahktu Wrote: [ -> ]Annunaki mythology- a topic I study quite frequently.

You might find this interview quite interesting:

Michael Heiser--Zechariah Sitchin is Wrong

Sitchin is not a linguist, and apparently doesn't speak or read Sumerian. Here's an interview with a prominent scholar who does.

That .mp3 file is linked from this page:
Red Ice Radio--Michael Heiser Interview
(09-01-2010, 07:55 PM)ahktu Wrote: [ -> ]Thanks for the link, Seagrass, though I have a hard time stomaching that website because, as usual, there is a complete lack of maturity when it comes to posting. I've left so many forums because all of the responses just turn into flame wars. Still, if you can ignore all that, I would say this is a reference to the Annunaki mythology- a topic I study quite frequently. My main beef with this poster is that he would post something like that and expect anyone to take it seriously. Even if he was the real deal, posting such things on an online forum is just asking for complete degredation. Pearls before swine, as the good book says.
Yes they are there.
But it was the message I got a lot from not the forum or the comments..just
that it made some sense to me why we would need catalyst to evolve, considering our time here has been loooong it feels. Smile
(08-30-2010, 08:59 PM)ahktu Wrote: [ -> ]Many of the abilities I already possess would help me greatly on this path, while I have to discard them completely while following the STO path. If you look at it as a simple logical equation, I should be signing my name on the STS roster right now.

So there’s logic for you. But, in spite of all that, for some reason, I’m still here, trying to be STO. Why? When I look at it in my head, this path seems harder. It seems more painful, and utterly frustrating a great deal of the time. But something pushes me toward the light path, even if I kick and scream along the way. Something in my heart refuses to die, and perhaps it is my inability to bring myself to cut that something out of myself that brings me here.

Have you considered the possibility that you might be a 6th density wanderer with amalgamation of positive and negative entities or paths. Sometimes I wonder that a curious and adventurous soul would surely like to experience all facets of life experience, positive and negative. I can totally relate to it. The negative provides a depth to the experience, a kind of potency and power to the love potion. A certain magnetism; a gravitational pull. That does not mean that negative has to dominate on the higher path. It needs to be experienced and then assimilated into love. And love would dissolve everything and will integrate all experiences...

This is your time to INTEGRATE and ACCEPT the powers you have. LOVE yourself and put these powers to good use. Become a shield of GOD, a force of Good. You can be so powerfully useful for others who need help from manipulative magic as you have the power to 'Turn the Magic Around'... It is not the time to judge yourself for these experience but THANK and appreciate yourself for these and move forward into integrating them into LOVE. Because that is the path forward and going to negative would be the path backwards...

Create a positive affirmation for yourself and reinforce it in you. It would include things like-

I accept myself unconditionally.
I love all aspects of my total self.
I know when to use my powers for the good of others.
Love for all being including myself is the prime reason for my existence.
I am always guided by divine providence.
Hi akhtu,

Reading your post...I feel it is truly beautiful...hauntingly beautiful are the words that come to mind. You have a depth of wisdom, and also a rare wisdom. It's seems to be from a knowledge of the negative path. Your sharing is a gift to all.


(08-30-2010, 08:59 PM)ahktu Wrote: [ -> ]This is something I’ve gone through on numerous occasions, but never have I been able to look at myself with such an honest perspective. In the past I’ve always tended to blame these negative thoughts and feelings on other people, life circumstances or evil entities hiding in my closet.

Honesty and the truth are key. Keep going with that, the truth does set us free. There is nothing wrong with being objective, and logical, and empirical on our path. Those are really helpful tools, and in your case very valuable I would think. Dark emotions expressed can be hurtful and damaging to those around us if we are not careful. I am not advising to suppress them or repress them, just to not hurt others in their expression.

Do you meditate or go into silence?

(08-30-2010, 08:59 PM)ahktu Wrote: [ -> ]So there’s logic for you. But, in spite of all that, for some reason, I’m still here, trying to be STO. Why? When I look at it in my head, this path seems harder. It seems more painful, and utterly frustrating a great deal of the time. But something pushes me toward the light path, even if I kick and scream along the way. Something in my heart refuses to die, and perhaps it is my inability to bring myself to cut that something out of myself that brings me here.

Yes feeling your heart and those waves of emotion can definitely be a challenge. But it is what our mother Earth wants for all of us, she is going to 4-d whether any of us help her or not. Maybe connecting with her, as a service to her, will help you find your heart. Just loving the beauty of nature, sending that love to her, connecting with her daily, with the plants and animal kingdoms. It has always been a great help to me and now I find that relationship deepening and growing, with energy flowing from me to her and back.

(08-30-2010, 08:59 PM)ahktu Wrote: [ -> ]It hurts when love gushes out like blood, but once you’ve felt true, unconditional love, how can you ever go back?

This has caused me a tremendous deal of confusion.

We are meant to be confused on 3-d, I think that is part of the game. Q'uo said that, and hearing that gave me such relief. My awakening experience, if anything, has been confusing. I have no doubt what path I am choosing, and still it has been confusing.

I think if you get clear on your choice, really choose the open-hearted path and commit to it. Then you just have to remind yourself when you are confused. Does that make sense?

(08-30-2010, 08:59 PM)ahktu Wrote: [ -> ]Is it possible to be a positive person, not because emotion has moved you to that polarity, but because it seems like a solid choice that will produce sound results?


Oh yes, I think it is very possible. A solid choice helps to ground you, no matter what emotion you are experiencing at the time dark or light. But the logic and mental strength are in service to the heart on the STO path, so also remind yourself to keep balanced.

(08-30-2010, 08:59 PM)ahktu Wrote: [ -> ]Whatever I am at the moment, I know this:

The sight of a beautiful sunset can still move me to tears.

Seeing other people happy makes me happy.

I realize that both light and shadow are necessary to maintain the cycles of the universe, and I accept that all is perfect in its own right.

I have a love for my Creator that will not die, in spite of any dark feelings I have, any negative choices I make, any paths I take or any traumas I suffer. Whatever my feelings on the matter, this love is more potent than any other force acting upon my person, and I cannot deny it in any way, no matter how hard I may try.

Thank you for sharing your wisdom and thoughts on your journey, akhtu. You have offered me much to ponder.

Brittany

thefool, I have considered many times the thought that I may have spent time on the negative path...possibly a lot of time...possibly, like you say, I got all the way to 6th density and hit a wall and realized I had to go back and learn how to love or I couldn't keep going. It seems like if I leave myself on a default setting I automatically go back to negative behavior, as if it has been programmed into me. It takes a conscious effort to work in the positive, though at times it feels as if a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders when that love does manage to burst through and I realize how beautiful the universe is. Even in this life I spent so long stuffing down my emotions and letting hatred eat away at me, and then I realized how incredibly HARD it is to do all of that, how much easier it is to just let things go. It's like my whole existence I've been taking the long way around and now I've suddenly discovered a shortcut that was there the whole time.

Shemaya, thank you for your comments. It has taken me a while to realize that having dark knowledge does not necessarily make you a dark person- that all knowledge is valuable if taken in the right context. I have come to think that just about anyone could benefit from a walk on the dark side somewhere in their existence. It allows you to experience things in full circle. So many people talk about the negative side of things with fearful tones, and a lot of people I know don't even want to know anything about it. They think the knowledge of what goes on over there will corrupt them. I personally think many of them are afraid they might like it, and they can't accept that polarity is in constant flux and can shift at any time. I think knowing what all your options are BEFORE you make your choice leads to a more educated choice, though I suppose it is a fine line. I can see where becoming completely obsessed with negative material would not be of much benefit to someone who is truly trying to polarize in the positive.

Strangely enough, the thought that I may have been on the negative side all that time doesn't invoke any guilt in me. The main source of guilt and low self esteem I deal with now is my confusion in this life- feeling like I'm not getting anywhere and I'm wasting the incarnation riding the fence. I still have a problem with just BEING...just letting the experience flow and letting things happen naturally. I agree with you, Shemaya, in the thought that natural forces are a great help in this matter. I have a hard time resonating with the ideas of angels, but the elements feel like old friends and I tend to draw upon elemental forces when I do trance work or meditation.

Thanks again, to everyone, for following me in this ramble of self-evaluation. It is a pleasure to have people with whom I can discuss topics in a mature and respectful fashion...a rare commodity these days.
BTW, Eddie, thanks for the interview. I've never known quite what to make of the Annunaki concept. I think a great deal of it is hype and fear-mongering, but I do feel that they may be some seeds of truth buried in there somewhere...that perhaps we had interplanetary visitors of a similar disposition at some point. I've always had a strong connection to Reptilian images (both your average snakes, lizards and dragons and humanoid reptiles), and have tried to build a base theory of what the Reptilian race might actually be. Every account seems to be different, but I have a strong intuition that there is a race of, well..."lizard people" that have interacted with us in the past.