Bring4th

So I've been wrestling with a major friendship breakup for a while now, and I have come to the conclusion that for all my flaws in the friendship, I was at least always willing to go through the painful process of self improvement and spiritual growth in order to change for the other person.

I have now also realized that this was entirely one sided and that's not fair to me.

In fact, for all my flaws, I at least know what they were, know what I did wrong, know I need to change, feel bad about it, have apologized with absolute sincerity, and done everything I could to make amends. I sent not one, but TWO deeply heartfelt apologies that I was absolutely terrified to write, let alone send. This friend didn't even READ them before having somebody else message me on their behalf and tell me to never contact them again, ever. I deserve SO MUCH better than that. And I'm tired of being the only one who EVER thought it was worth doing the work to make the relationship work and do it without resentment.

And now, I'm FULL OF resentment. Not for the pain and suffering, but the utter one-sidedness of it.

For all I did wrong, I at least went through the work of knowing what it was and working to change all of it.

I forgave this person, but I'm SO PISSED about how unfair it all was, that I've decided I'm rescinding it.

I don't forgive this person. I don't WANT to forgive this person. Not until I receive an apology for every way THEY hurt ME, while on the physical plane. I don't wanna wait until the veil is lifted, and if I have to, I'll just resent them deeper for it, and I refuse to accept purely ethereal apologies. I want my apologies in THIS incarnation or I want karma to spin on this persons ass, because at least I did the work! I know I wasn't fair to them, but AT LEAST I'M WILLING TO SEE IT.

So until either a) I get MY due apologies within this lifetime or b) this person goes through a serious karmic rebalancing AND THEN apologizes in the etheric realm, this person can just fucking blow me. Seriously, I REFUSE to forgive them until one of those 2 things happen.

And I know the typical STO stance on the matter:

"Oh, you need to forgive" "Oh, resentment is like a poison that only hurts you" blah blah blah. I don't give a s***. I'm pissed off, not having it, tired of being the only one who ever cared enough to do the hard internal work, and I deserve better damnit! And I refuse to reconcile until I get what's due to me from this person. AND THEN all is forgiven I don't care if it's STS or whatever damnit I deserve better than the s*** I've been put through and I deserve to have that acknowledged by the other-self in this equation, which they seem dead set against doing.

Problem is, I still wanna be the bigger man here and at least not send them evil-eye. I know evil-eye can be sent unconsciously, and I don't want to do that.

I want this person to live their life the way they want to do it, without any evil eye giving them undeserved problems. They deserve karmic rebalancing or the hard work of spiritual growth that comes from being willing to acknowledge how they wronged me (in the physical plane, no less- because I don't trust them if they only love me enough to be sorry when the veil is lifted and they're in the etheric realm) What they DON'T deserve is some bullshit ass evil-eye being sent their way. I just refuse to forgive them and release them of any karmic experiences they've earned in this lifetime. That doesn't mean I wanna send them evil eye though. That s***'s petty and not good for anybody.

I pray to the archangels and ascended masters to remove any implants, devices, etc. that I may have unconsciously sent them lately or over the years or whatever. And I ask the archangels and ascended masters to protect this person from any evil eye or whatever that I may be unconsciously sending.

Thing is, I'm still tied to this person, and I can't help but be angry at them. Sometimes I find myself thinking I hate them. I know I don't mean that, but I'm so mad that they've always been so one sided about ANY work that needed to be done in the friendship and that even after experiencing a merciless friend-dumping themself, they would turn around and abandon me and lose all faith in me like they did.

I don't wanna be cheered up and told "Don't worry, just work on yourself and reconciliation will happen" I'm tired of hearing that online and I'm TIRED of being the only one to do the inner work! I'ma still keep doing it, but only for ME!

So I can't help but find myself stewing in resentment and throwing shade their way, but I don't want to send them evil eye. I refuse to forgive them until they do their fair share of the inner and outer work for once, but I don't want to be that toxic person who sends them evil entities, energy parasites, nad energies, implants, devices of limitation, etc. I just want to give them what they gave me: a distinct lack of forgiveness, abandonment, rejection and a heavy karmic rebalancing.

...that, or they can just connect the dots, do some goddamn soul-searching and reflect on every way they were ever shitty to ME for once and take some responsibility for it. I don't care which, as long as I don't have to wait until the veil is lifted for them to do that, because there's two versions of us, the version of us we are beyond the veil and the version we are on the physical plane. And it's their physical version I begrudge, it's their physical version I refuse to forgive and it's their physical version I want an apology from or it's their physical self that I demand be on the receiving end for once.

So how do I make sure I'm not sending them evil-eye without forgiving them. Because I am dead set on not forgiving them until I get what's fair to me.

I have made my decision there and will NOT be swayed.

f*** this person's physical incarnation for each and every shitty thing they've put me through without a fair apology, and f*** this person's physical incarnation for each and every minute I have had to deal with it.

I know what I've done wrong. I've been working to correct that s***. I've BEEN THROUGH the growing pains. I've taken a good hard look at what I've done wrong and what was wrong with me. I've dealt with the trauma. I've done the work. I've made the apologies. I've done EVERYTHING I COULD to change and reconcile. While this turd on legs fucking enjoys their cushy, loving, happy fucking life only worrying about college, a couple personality/mood disorders (for which they have a wonderful psychologist I never had) and their stupid special snowflake victim identity they've created for themselves because boo-fucking-hoo whoah is them! THEY had a dark past (which is A LOT like the dark past I had that still doesn't excuse anything I did wrong in the friendship) They have a happy life in a beautiful winter-wonderland type of city, in one of the free-est countries on Earth (let's face it, America aint as free as we like to pretend we are) with their happy marriage and their many friends, surrounded by beauty and having everything handed to them on a silver platter while NOBODY AROUND THEM ever judges them for relying on others and nobody and nothing ever puts any REAL pressure on them to be as self reliant as I have to be just to get out of this fucking hole of a life I have. They don't have the pressure or the s*** I have to deal with, yet they can't be bothered to fucking just admit THEIR responsibility for THEIR half of a relationship breakup. THEY want to hold a grudge and yet I'm the only one who has to forgive.

I'M TIRED OF DOING ALL THE FUCKING WORK.

And please don't tell me how uncompassionate my attitude is or how STS my paradigm I'm looking at this through is, because I'M AWARE AND I DON'T FUCKING GIVE A s***.

I just wanna know how to not send them evil eye. I'm not asking tips on forgiveness. I forgive EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER f***** ME OVER... EXCEPT this person. f*** this person. And their "Whoah is me, I'm such an introverted and uniquely misunderstood person! Why can't people in their life just drop their egos and accept me for me while I lay back and let them do all the fucking work ever, but I swear I don't wanna be a burden on anybody" bullshit.

I'm sorry if I'm venting at you guys, but I've got nowhere to vent to. My friends CANNOT understand what I'm going through right now. Not fully. Not like this. Not within THIS context.

And I'm sorry if this is negative everybody. I know it's common on Bring4th to try and nurture a loving and accepting environment.

But forgiveness shouldn't be done out of obligation. And I refuse to forgive this person until I'm satisfied that they can truly understand what they did. And I DON'T believe that only understanding it when one is in an ethereal state, but fully feeling free to betray me at their own leisure with no repercussions on the physical plane is acceptable.

So can somebody please help me stop from sending this person the evil eye? Because I still resent the s*** out of them and I'm not interested in being understanding OR compassionate anymore, STO obligations be damned.

But I don't wanna vindictively curse them with petty curses or whatever either.

So does anybody have any ideas how to stop that from happening?

As long as you're not forgiving / holding a grudge the universe will try and through catalyst make some sort of work or understanding to come forth. So long as you've made a choice to polarize positively you've the honor/responsibility to be the bigger person / guide. So I'm not sure what an evil-eye is, but I think so long as you hate / resent them catalyst will keep coming for both of you.
We don't know your situation, so you're the one who will eventually make the choice / work.
And perhaps on the outside you seem to understand that person, but you don't, and they don't understand you. You may understand their personality, behavior, character, but you don't understand their thoughts, too much distortion is involved. Who knows, maybe in previous lifetimes you were the one who caused them a lot of pain, and now you have this painful catalyst where you've knowledge and power to forgive. Remember, the law is one.
I'm very sorry for the pain and misery that you're going through, I'm sorry that you're hurt and being misunderstood and unseen. You've typed many times the word STS but you're not, a manipulative approach would not be this, you're just lost in suffering and separation.
I really hope you will find peace and understanding, and that your friend will fill that spot in your heart that aches.

I feel understanding is often the easiest springboard to acceptance, compassion, and understanding.

What perspectives and life beliefs caused your friend to act as he did?

Onesideness in relationships usually just boils down to that you are trying to fill a need for yourself using someone else and it does not go as you wish it did.

I've been balancing a friend's breakup lately (he got dumped in his own self-written worst scenario, truly poetic) and I see similar struggles with selfishness. In the end, were not all the work, efforts and apologies you've done just for yourself, based on how you feel things and not really for someone else? I personally give little value to apologies because people apology for themselves at the time they want to, so you can have just never got hurt or have got over something and the person will live alone their little moment of seeking redemption upon something they feel bad with themselves about, it's never really about you. A true apology comes I guess when asked for, but should not be any forced either because that's just lying telling someone what they want to hear, it should instead go along the lines of "I'm sorry you were hurt and I don't wish for that" more than admitting to being wrong which is just its own work of acceptance that still needs to be done.

You seem to want your lack of love to be rewarded because of your dependence upon the relationship, which would go down to self-esteem issues you can't help but project into your relationships and which, albeit perhaps satisfied for a time, always come back to that you feel unwhole with yourself.

Release it all, your friend is just your own self in other circumstances, it isn't wrong. Although you think your friend is s***, he's probably being the right catalyst to help you transform at this time, one day you'll be thankful for that.

(06-06-2018, 03:08 PM)blossom Wrote: [ -> ]As long as you're not forgiving / holding a grudge the universe will try and through catalyst make some sort of work or understanding to come forth. So long as you've made a choice to polarize positively you've the honor/responsibility to be the bigger person / guide. So I'm not sure what an evil-eye is, but I think so long as you hate / resent them catalyst will keep coming for both of you.
We don't know your situation, so you're the one who will eventually make the choice / work.
And perhaps on the outside you seem to understand that person, but you don't, and they don't understand you. You may understand their personality, behavior, character, but you don't understand their thoughts, too much distortion is involved. Who knows, maybe in previous lifetimes you were the one who caused them a lot of pain, and now you have this painful catalyst where you've knowledge and power to forgive. Remember, the law is one.
I'm very sorry for the pain and misery that you're going through, I'm sorry that you're hurt and being misunderstood and unseen. You've typed many times the word STS but you're not, a manipulative approach would not be this, you're just lost in suffering and separation.
I really hope you will find peace and understanding, and that your friend will fill that spot in your heart that aches.

I gave a WHOLE RESPONSE to this and at the last minute, fucking accidentally deleted it.

f*** ME.

Here's the rundown:

I deserve to be given the work of healing too. This person took my sincere attempts at reconciliation after considering ALL those points you just brought up and wiped their ass with it in anger. I refuse to take it on faith that that's just another goddamn piece of agony I deserved. In order for the relationship to truly and fully heal, they must prove that they can be trusted even when the veil is upon them to care enough to put in the work for a truly mutually loving and giving relationship.

I have worked on ALL those things you have pointed out and taken all of them into consideration. This other person has not. This is about to change. Catalyst SHALL come to heal the relationship. And since I've had all I can take while they distanced themselves from it in relative leisure, it shall come for THEM next. There is no more I can shoulder. They refuse to even talk to me. How may I extend a hand in effort of reconciliation when I have already done so TWICE and they have insensitively wiped their ass with each attempt? I have ONE LAST sincere means of reaching out (by cutting around the edges) and if it fails that shall also be on them and the one last means by which I will even be ABLE to offer a hand of friendship will have been extended in this upcoming final attempt. I am taking ONE LAST leap of faith here. It is up to them to appreciate it and meet it with faith in return. Even if they do so, all will not be cool like it would have been. I need to heal too now, and they need to do THEIR part in the relationship healing process.

If I am to love others properly, I must love myself properly. If I am to love myself as I have learned to love others, then I must be willing to set similar boundaries for myself. Betrayal crosses the line. I have already GONE THROUGH the painful catalyst needed to resolve ALL those things you brought up within myself. This other person has not. It is time for that to change, and I have no doubt whatsoever that their turn to shoulder the catalyst while I enjoy life on my own joyful terms is upon them as we speak. I have consulted with their higher self as well as my own. I am working to make clear that I am owed the same effort in a truly mutually beneficial giving relationship that would be expected of me.

I need certain things from this person to help heal the wounds created from the karmic catalyst I have pre-incarnatively agreed to suffer on THEIR behalf and unless I get those things, our relationship is imbalanced and in need of healing. Since I have already put in all the necessary work on MY end, the only person left who can put in work on their end it s*** other person. There is nowhere left for this person to run away from themselves to. I have done all I can for them. It's their turn to give back what's needed for spiritual healing in the relationship.

To accept a disproportionate give-take dynamic in a relationship is neither proper self love nor is it true STO dynamic. To accept such imbalance is prey behaviour in a predator-prey relationship. Predator-prey relationships are STS in nature. For true unified and loving STO dynamic to exist, the give and take must be both mutual and balanced. There is nothing balanced about what you are proposing because it is unfair TO ME.

I am no longer worried about sending evil eye (consciously or unconsciously delivered negative attacks, such as negative entities, energies, implants, devices of limitation, etc.) because I am not full of so much rage as I was. I kinda worked through it a bit, especially while writing my unsaved first draft. Still, I refuse to release this person from any karmic debts they have accrued in this incarnation now that I have been met with that response. Not unless they can somehow understand what they did wrong within the physical plane. We all made deals out of love in the etheric realm, yet I believe that if we could trust each other on the etheric realm and trust has still been betrayed within the physical, then it is within the physical realm where trust must be re-established in order for that etheric love to be asserted as fully applicable within the physical realm. I don't believe quasi-physical is guaranteed to cut it either. Maybe I am wrong. I highly suggest this person pursue full reconciliation and reparation within THIS incarnation just to be sure. I recommend this to their higher self. Should their higher self agree with me (and I believe I have laid out numerous reasonable arguments for why I suggest this, many of which got deleted but are now in the Akashic records forever) then it shall be this other person who is about to face heavy catalyst. I have prerequisites which for whatever reason, I believe are needed for my healing and the healing of this relationship. Those prerequisites are not necessarilly on a time limite per se, yet now seems the best time in my point of view.

(06-06-2018, 07:42 PM)Elros Wrote: [ -> ]Onesideness in relationships usually just boils down to that you are trying to fill a need for yourself using someone else and it does not go as you wish it did.

I've been balancing a friend's breakup lately (he got dumped in his own self-written worst scenario, truly poetic) and I see similar struggles with selfishness. In the end, were not all the work, efforts and apologies you've done just for yourself, based on how you feel things and not really for someone else? I personally give little value to apologies because people apology for themselves at the time they want to, so you can have just never got hurt or have got over something and the person will live alone their little moment of seeking redemption upon something they feel bad with themselves about, it's never really about you. A true apology comes I guess when asked for, but should not be any forced either because that's just lying telling someone what they want to hear, it should instead go along the lines of "I'm sorry you were hurt and I don't wish for that" more than admitting to being wrong which is just its own work of acceptance that still needs to be done.

You seem to want your lack of love to be rewarded because of your dependence upon the relationship, which would go down to self-esteem issues you can't help but project into your relationships and which, albeit perhaps satisfied for a time, always come back to that you feel unwhole with yourself.

Release it all, your friend is just your own self in other circumstances, it isn't wrong. Although you think your friend is s***, he's probably being the right catalyst to help you transform at this time, one day you'll be thankful for that.

I am thankful for MUCH of what they did. And there is wisdom to what you say that I have been considering and shall continue to consider. But I am done doing all the fucking work. I wasn't being considered either. I wasn't fully appreciated. And I was treated unfairly myself. If I am to truly heal and love myself then I am to expect the understanding from others that they expect from me.

I am NOT the only one who failed to understand the other. And I am NOT the only one who didn't make enough effort to.

I'm just the only one who suffered enough to be willing to see that. And I deserve to have the other person make the same effort and come to the same realization. The relationship is NO healthy if I'm the ONLY ONE who has to change, precisely BECAUSE they're not perfect either and didn't do everything perfectly themselves. I'm just the ONLY ONE who bothered to connect that understanding to my end of the relationship. It's not fair to apply it one sidedly.

Some adepts seek catalyst because it is a great tool for growth and polarity, a gift from the creator if you are aware of the possibility of work to be done. We can't give you the answers that you seek because we haven't experienced your perspective.
If general understanding is what you want then I can keep trying to share my thoughts.
Ask yourself what or why you really seek what you seek. Is it peace? Is it your friend's love? Do you miss him? Or do you just feel mistreated?
See, you have the choice to heal both of you by being the example/ teacher/student.
By not forgiving and letting go you shackle not only you and them, but also your infinite self potential. Ask yourself, is it truly fair to your unbaised and pure soul to be limited and await a "fair" judgement / treatment? Who decides what is fair and what isn't, what if you both planned for this and you're the one not being able to do the working? Because if you have truly forgiven, then how come you say that now you haven't? Is that how forgiveness works? You forgive only if it meets your standards? How can peace and love ever manifest into the world with such an approach?
I apologize for sounding harsh or judgeful, for I truly do not understand your situation. And I want the best for your journey. You could be so peaceful and work towards the creator if you just let it go.
There are many great teachers in this forum who have shared great pain and catalyst that they have been through and found forgiveness and love.
You see in this plane we are forged by fire. And what do you want to become?
Have compassion and heal the creator that is you and them with unconditional love.
I love you friend, and am truly sorry for your suffering.

(06-06-2018, 02:10 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: [ -> ]So I've been wrestling with a major friendship breakup for a while now, and I have come to the conclusion that for all my flaws in the friendship, I was at least always willing to go through the painful process of self improvement and spiritual growth in order to change for the other person.

.....Edited....

But I don't wanna vindictively curse them with petty curses or whatever either.

So does anybody have any ideas how to stop that from happening?

Another perspective is that maybe they are not being unfair to you. You are being unfair to both of you.

You said it was very one sided. How long into the relationship did the one-sidedness start? You kept choosing that/you still keep choosing that vs taking the lesson that you would prefer a more balanced relationship and moving on understanding this persons freewill should be respected and they are not in a place to offer you that.

Choosing to continue one sided was unfair to you but you also kept expecting the other person to conform to your expectations(growth remorse) which is unfair to them.

You haven't truly forgiven them if you haven't understood each of us can only be where and who we are.
You do deserve a better balanced friendship, but it isn't the other persons fault you kept coming back and just expecting them to offer you that. Forgive yourself for taking so long to learn the lesson, thank them(energetically )for offering the lesson. That is all it was catalyst. Learn it well this time and there wont be repeats of the lesson.

I do think its nice you are concerned about inadvertently giving them bad energy. Can you look at that and see your soul has forgiven them. Your soul wants no harm to come to them so just do the surface work on why seeking what another does not wish to offer is a pull for you, why them not offering it hurts. Address that.

I feel so much for you EvolvingPhoenix as I have been there too. I was much younger. Lol

It took me a long time to simply forgive myself for all my efforts coming apparently to nothing..

Best thing that helped me to pass through this was to keep sending love to that person, and to myself too. ... . It will pass, I promise you, hang in there.

Accident duplicated instead of replying

One of the trickiest and yet most important lessons of spiritual evolution is to allow other people to be who they are.

This means to stay around them as long as that's mutually agreeable, and if it's not and efforts to work things out fail - bless them and send them on their way.

We've all been a**holes earlier in our evolution and perhaps even still are in some circumstances. We're all going to become saints at one point. So all we can do is meet people where they are, because that's where they're supposed to be at this point in their own evolutionary journey.

UPDATE:

I've taken what you guys said to heart and chosen to forgive. For real this time. As in, not temporarily. Ultimately, I have faith that whatever's fair to me, it's on it's way. Whatever was unfair to me is currently in the process of smoothing over and being worked out, even if I don't quite know how yet.

Y'all pointed out some very good things I probably needed to hear. I was just SOO TIRED of it seeming like I was the only one who had to work on some s***, but who knows if that was even the real case? I dunno, I'm just gonna put faith into the whole process and start on the new chapter of my life cause the old one no longer serves me, has run it's course, and wasn't all that fun anyway. I don't know for sure everything my new chapter of my life has in store for me, but I'm sure I'll enjoy it more and I'm confident it involves rocking out! \m/ I'm just gonna be grateful for that

I guess what it REALLY WAS, when you get down to it, was hurt which I didn't feel was being addressed by anyone pertinent outside of myself. Now I just hold faith that whatever things were unfair to me, the issues will be addressed and what's truly fair to me and for my best interests is already on it's way. I have faith.