I went to the Buddhist temple in Denver this morning. I try to go every Thursday for guided meditation given by a Buddhist instructor, who also are disciples of their founder: Choje Rinpoche.
I was surprised this Thursday's meeting that Choje Rinpoche would be visiting us Saturday (today) in person at 10am, outside of their usual public hours. He also was giving an online stream given to Denver's temple, where we would be allowed to ask direct questions and say hello afterwards.
I was given many ideas from this guru. One of them being the idea that femininity and masculinity have specific roles in the universe. I couldn't quite hear what he was saying when he described the masculine role, but I remember him saying the feminine role was that of providing space for things to manifest. This seems to be in line with the Law of One archetypes, as well as some of the teachings in Hermetics. He suggested that the feminine principle offers space for things to manifest in the universe. For something to manifest, we first must give it space to do so. He suggested that we often fall prey to negative thoughts due to feeling "cramped" in stress. He suggests we devote as much or as little time as we can afford (in the morning especially) to meditate and give our minds "space" to deal with the stress.
I was looking forward to meeting the guru in person, and having conversation with someone enlightened. This was not what happened.
I think my lesson right now is to realize that my greatest teacher is not a man, but the life I breathe in and mingle with. Every mistake, ill thought or misguided action can be noticed by myself if I simply pause and reflect on it. I am able to do this without meditation, of course, but meditation can help make the process more efficient.
For example, I was hoping to meet the guru at best, and the highest fantasy being realized would be to become his friend. Of course, this is unlikely, and going with this hope shouldn't dissuade me or cause me stress. It is becoming more evident that the universe itself and its karmic laws of cause and effect are the best teachers. For when I went, and was surprisingly offered the chance to raise my hand and ask a question, the first meeting I was unprepared for this and asked a question of little impact/help to me, and in the second meeting my raised hand was passed over despite being prepared.
If I try to heed the lesson in this turn of events, I come up with the following:
- I did not come to ask questions when planning to meditate in group meditation. If I am offered a new opportunity to do so, and it does not present itself for me, then I should not be for the worse. I came and received what I originally planned and set out to do, and any new opportunity, achieved or otherwise, can only benefit me. The theme of this lesson would be to let go of attachment and distractions.
- If the universe and its karmic laws can be trusted, then I can assume that nothing is lost, and everything is for a good reason. If my raised hand is passed, then it is for the better. One way I can interpret this is that he answered the followers that truly required his answers, and the universe knowing what's best, understands that I can achieve answers without the guru's help. In the same vein of a teaching I heard recently, where when we are left to ourselves, sometimes even in our darkest moment, for the very reason that God has faith in us, like we should have faith in Him, we are expected to overcome our biggest challenges even when we are alone.
- This could be considered yet another sign that my greatest teacher is not in a far-off land, or waiting to be met in person as a living human being. Instead, my best teacher would be the karmic cause and effect that the universe employs to manifest impermanent conditions upon me in the form of adversity or joy, and that it is not outside my understanding to bend my ear to such teachings and learn from them. They are subtle, quiet, and not easily noticeable. Sometimes they are impossible without first noticing the emotions they stir in you. For me, when I feel negative or positive feelings and am unsure why, it is usually a clue that there was a teaching hidden in the chain of events.
I am welcoming the community to give any helpful advice for me to see the world in a healthier view. If you notice some negataive bias in my posts, please let me know.
I wanted to share with the least amount of distortion my thoughts about an exchange of words and interactions I have had recently with someone that made me frustrated.
Here is that story:
About a few weeks ago I was contacted on LinkedIn by someone offering a business proposal with no strings attached. I was asked to fill out a survey and work with him through a screening process to potentially be trained, for free, in entrepreneurship and investment. Of course, I felt skeptical about such a thing, but I feel in my duty I should not reserve judgement until I am provided with facts. And so, I agreed to meet over google hangouts and have 30 minute to 60 minute meetings with this man named Anish of A & B Enterprises.
Anish seemed to be charitable and kind, and when I asked him why he is offering such services seemingly without conditions, he said he simply wanted to help others as he was helped. He said now he is able to live a life with little investment in time, but with financial strength to do what he wants, and that he would like to share with others willing to learn the success that he has achieved. When I asked about the actual details of any potential business proposal or position I'd be taking, he insisted that it's not time for that yet, and I have 7 steps to get through in this screening process, and on the 4th step I will start to receive more information about the business.
Reluctantly, I agreed to continue giving this man chances. We met twice on google hangouts, and he lent me a PDF book about entrepreneurship and investments, which I was less enthused in reading. I started to read the preface, which made big promises and gave reasons to continue reading. But this was the same story for the first chapter, where it continued to make promises but not give any details. And so the book seemed to continue, as I skimmed over the next chapters and read further. Losing my interest and having other responsibilities with school starting again this fall, and maintaining good standing with my step-father and boss for my internship, I have become overwhelmed with responsibilities. So when our next meeting came up, and without good planning, I went to see the leader of the Buddhist temple I had been attending in person, forgetting to cancel the meeting.
These are the following messages:
Anish Babu Wrote:Hi Daniel, hope you’re ok. We had a meeting scheduled for 11:00am today, but you missed it.
Foha Wrote:I'm currently overwhelmed with managing new responsibilities since college started. Currently I am still adjusting and planning my time to be more consistent. Thank you for being interested in my well being. I am doing fine despite the stress.
Thank you for being understanding
Anish Babu Wrote:I was hoping you’d be more accountable and let me know earlier so I could’ve scheduled someone else in that spot.
Foha Wrote:If there is another way that I can repay you, please let me know.
I was hoping you'd be understanding and patient
However, by now I am feeling like he is being disingenuous. If what his claims about his character, his reasoning for helping others like myself without strings attached, and so-forth, why is he passing judgement when I fail to receive an act of freely given kindness?
So I thought long about how to convey my doubts and explain myself, so I wrote back again:
Foha Wrote:I have problems with this so far, Anish. Please bare with my reasoning. I have been under the impression that you were doing these things as an act of free giving, or of kindness. You said yourself that you are helping others in the same way you have been helped. I expected you to ask, if you were truly concerned about my well-being, of what responsibilities got in my way. You are keeping key aspects of this business proposal from my understanding. If you ask, I will tell you, but this is not the case in the other direction.
I cannot help but feel a bit deceived. When I offer something out of kindness, I do so without expecting something in return. Therefore, the person I am freely giving to cannot be held accountable. They can take it or leave it, and I try not to pass judgement. If your business model involves investing in people, but not giving them all the information and trusting their judgement for discernment, then you are the one taking the risk.
I also believe that teaching is one side of the same coin. The other side being learning. But so far, I am on a need-to-know basis about this proposal, which I am currently in the dark about. If I am not expected to understand until you offer understanding, then this relationship seems very one-sided. If something is always true, then it should be self-evident. Please give me faith that what you are doing is in good practice.
I have yet to receive a message from Anish. I decided to do research on his company, which seems to be private and there is little known. On a social website that lets people rate their employment at companies, he has many 1 star reviews for taking advantage of the employees he has that are public-facing. They complain they are given difficult, if not impossible quotas, and promised riches, yet received less than adequate pay in comparison to many entry level jobs. Some of them were even insulting Anish for his deceit.
I feel that I could have handled this better.
Is it wrong for me to think, "he is judging me when he has no right to"?
And I feel that even though I might feel giving should be done freely, and without requiring something in return, it is not my place to say so plainly. In doing so I am judging him, when I am affirming that he has no right to do so to me.
It's difficult to handle my emotions and act calmly even under great stress. I hope that I can start to see the truth even when buried under responsibilities in the future.
Looking back on it now that I am more calm, I can see that my best choice of action would have been to simply apologize. Hopefully with practice I can attain a stance with more wisdom in the future.
You're actually processing and reflecting on the catalyst very well. Do not be so hard on yourself, you can't always get things 'right', for there will be no lessons to learn from, no progression.
You both learn and teach, provide catalyst for each other for further growth. Perhaps you helped them see something from a different angle by being sincere, and in return they helped you to progress with your own spiritual evolution. Everything is connected.
I feel more alone right now than I have in a long time, so I appreciate your support, Blossom.
For a moment I actually wondered what the point was. I feel like I am impossible to please, and am reaping what I sow in a world that I can't seem to live up to. My step-father and boss that has an impossibly high standard and insane work ethic, my own shadow doubting every experience I've endured, and friends I know in real life that can't understand my situation. It feels difficult.
I decided I will go to the meditation center for the last day (tomorrow) that the teacher is there in person, but I am still debating with myself if I will still try to ask the question I wanted to ask earlier. My question was: If one is suffering from an illness instigated by a living organism such as a parasite, what is the correct path of action? If I was compassionate, would I find it another host and for a way so it can survive without me? Should I struggle to kill it so that I might get better sooner? Should I fast myself, hoping that I can endure the fast longer than the parasite?
If I was in the wilderness, and a tick came up and latched onto me, sucking my blood, what is the best reaction? To let it keep sucking until it had it's fill? Should I light a fire under it, so it is forced to make a choice between surviving and taking what it wants?
If I take the teacher's talks from today and apply them to this situation, I am still left with questions. Do I end up making space for parasites to live inside my body? Or do parasites end up creating the space for themselves to exist inside a host? On the other hand, are friends able to come into my life when I make space for them? Or do the friends have a part in making room in their lives for me to be their friend as well?
The teachings he gave had much wisdom, but I find them applicable mostly to battles with the self. I am more concerned with my interaction with other selves.
Later today I was so stressed that I was actually angrily mentioning his inability to assess his time wisely with so many people having questions for him. I feel that he spoke 10 times as long as he listened, and so he values the sound of his own voice higher than others. He has a following congregation, but I find myself with quite an ego for making such assumptions.
I hope that I someday get to the point I can see and think clearly even under duress like this.
Foha, I believe no one can give the right answers to these internal questions but you, for these are not one or two questions but doubt itself that you are struggling with. I suggest you dwell in meditation, doesn't have to be too deep, bring these questions to your own self and let the answers flow, sincerely. If you cannot answer, and you find yourself bouncing between the options, it may be fear, if it indeed is, ask yourself what that fear is, perhaps you will uncover the source to your blockage. Don't be afraid to stumble and fall, it is so much harder to progress while stagnating yourself with no action. Seek things that make you happy, things and people that make you love, there is no wrong in knowing yourself, knowing the co-creator that is within you. If that involves asking that Guru something, go ahead and ask.. Just don't come to rely your responsibility on them, a teacher cannot learn for the student, but only to guide.
P.S.
If you have health issues, seek medical help. Be responsible for your body, there are people who care for you, people who love you, even if sometimes it's not as clear.
Foha, you're like super heavy into love/light right now?
First of all, it doesn't much matter what I think about all this because you've already done waaaay too much thinking for the both of us, it seems to me.
Second, here's what I think. Your mind has blurred the distinctions between your lower energy centers and this has you spinning in circles.
For example, you go to a public event and hope to end up with a private relationship. (I.e., it's a public event by a public guy who, evidently, gives generalized info to a generalized group: not a place for intimacy.) You ask a question, then take it personally when you're skipped over the next time so as, perhaps, to allow others who haven't yet been heard from to speak. (I. e., it's a public setting and taking it personally may be over-thinking it.) Then you get mixed up with a suspicious character on the internet and are disappointed when he doesn't befriend you and inquire about the pressures in your life. (As if a hustler like him could give a poop.)
The question of how much to allow parasites to devour you is apt. Are you trading off your well being (in your head) in all these situations for the sake of...........what?
I would say, for the sake of intimacy. Ergo, the last of my unimportant thoughts to you is this: sort out for yourself what intimacy is and what you think you need and how you might put yourself in the way of some that might be in your vicinity, and sort out what impersonal first chakra association is (bloodsuckers, for example) and what social connection is (participating in group endeavors) and try not to confuse one with the others, no matter how, either a parasite or your 2d/3d mind, might play you for your sincere, deeply felt need for intimacy.
PS: Knowing your feelings on this matter, and how motivated you are by it--if you concur with the model I'm offering here--puts you, believe it or not, in a useful position in this sense. It offers you a pathway inwards to explore a deep and honest part of yourself that is really looking to talk with you. Or, put another way, it offers you an important opportunity for intimacy with thyself, dear boy.
Thank you, peregrine.
Your thoughts are important to me. Thank you for sharing. I will reflect on this
(08-26-2018, 12:42 AM)GentleReckoning Wrote: [ -> ]Foha, you're like super heavy into love/light right now?
I don't feel that way. I feel judgemental, cranky, and stressed!
My biggest difficulty and fear is standing up to authority at home. My stepfather uses malformed logic to reason with me, and because of his authority and the threats of taking away his support, I have been reluctant to stand up to him. My every reasoning to preserve my sanity and mental health to afford myself an hour a week for relaxation is dismissed as lies and deceit.
One example that happens often would be where he insists he "knows" I did something I shouldn't have when this was not the case. I ask him how he could know something that didn't happen, and he says "Of course it is true. I know because that is what I would do if I were you."
In this way, he tries to use the tool of 'seeing from my perspective', but only superficially. I can only guess that in his mind he places himself in my physical shoes, maybe even adorns my physical appearance, but he assumes the same ego, actions, and thoughts that he always had before. Instead of seeing the fallacy, this confirms to him that his opinions are common sense, and that I am crazy for not doing what he insists I did, or that I am hiding it, thinking I am clever like he is. In this way he validates his insane work ethic of 18 hours a day, 7 days a week, and applies it to me, when I work hourly and am expected to work without pay "to get ahead".
Every time we communicate or interact it is a one-way street. I must show respect to him, but he only belittles me. My concerns are not warranted. When I voiced my concerns, he cut me off saying, "I don't care at all about that. This is what I care about...", and proceeds to detail his concerns and reasoning.
Another fallacy he refuses to see is when he claims I do nothing to help around the house or be part of the family. This is simply not true, and before I can finish listing all of the things I do to help around the house, he waves his hand, dismissing them, saying "Those don't really count, because you only did that because you were told to." In this way, he robs me of free will or choices. If I do something, it is because I was told to, or out of fear. If I do not do that, it is a rebellious action against his authority (that he admits he would also do when he was younger). This makes it interesting when he makes claims about the future. Yesterday I said I will try to be home for dinner, but I might be a little late (due to traffic). He said "That means you will be late." In doing so, if I am late, it's an "I told you so." and if I am not, it's because "You did what I wanted you to do to avoid punishment."
I have stood up to him more since recently, but it is difficult because I am not allowed to speak. I am continually gas-lighted, cut off, my words 'translated' into something awful and slimy, and all his words translated by my mother into the soothing singing of angels. I am held to a nebulous and impossibly high work ethic. He laments he cannot micromanage my life when I am at school for almost the entire day, but affirms that he is allowed to assume the very worst about me at every opportunity, because "That is what [he] would do." So he assumes I play video games and waste away my time instead of being proactive in getting further in my career. For him, it is not enough to be a good worker. Life only becomes worthy when you are the very top of the totem pole, and you make the most money. He once told my brother when relaxing at a hot tub that he doesn't care about our mother (his wife) in comparison to his job. His work, he said, comes first in his life, and it's only by coincidence that he can afford extra time for our mother that he even does so.
In any case, this is my final semester, and I cannot afford time to work and make rent on my own. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. It is becoming increasingly difficult to be held to an impossible standard while also being invalidated for every correct action I do. My concerns, my goals, my philosophy, are all useless and unimportant to him, he said. He doesn't care to see from my perspective when I offered him the chance, or to hear what it is like to be in my situation. Despite having a capstone course along with a full-time senior course load of work, he insists that I should have time to devote to an internship that I tried 3 times to give my 2 weeks notice for. Each time I was shot down, threatened to not be able to use it on my resume as a reference, or that I'd be burning bridges in my career, that my laptop would be taken away, and at worst I'd be kicked out of the shelter they provide me. Despite this, I am not allowed to give 'excuses' as to what keeps me so busy, and I am not warranted to justify my free time spent on relaxation and maintaining a healthy mental state.
I fear that if I stand up to him, and get myself kicked out of my home, I will be deemed "mentally unsound", or a "danger to myself", and institutionalized like I was in the past for religious fasting. I will then be kept against my will in a mental institution where proving sanity is virtually impossible for similar reasons it is impossible to appeal to my stepfather any of my reasoning. When I behave with clarity and sanity, I am deemed "pretending to be sane" so I will be let go. I am forced to take mentally altering drugs that make cognitive abilities very difficult. I remember the last time I was there, I was forced to take a very strong dose of some medication I couldn't remember the name of. We were allowed to watch Spiderman 3, and the ~2 minute intro felt like a movie to me with such complex and beautifully crafted story telling that when the logo appeared, I stood and clapped thinking I just watched a full-length movie. In that way, it is hard to demonstrate mental clarity or sanity of any kind. And it should be considered fair to assume that this can and will be used to generate more income at an institution treated like a business, with my parents being customers, with me as a resource.
I am definitely afraid. I feel like I am being backed into a corner... and perhaps this is exactly what is happening. Perhaps my lesson is to learn to stand up for myself and my beliefs.
In the Autobiography of a Yogi, it says we shouldn't sacrifice ourself for another animal. So if an animal is trying to kill us, we should defend ourself, and if need be kill the animal to save us as we are more valuable. This probably goes for parasites too.
Thank you, Indigo
I remember reading that, and so quickly I forgot it!
I agree with wolf on defending the self. It should always be defense with no harm coming to the attacker if possible. Honestly, a well executed defense, usually leads to the attacker hurting themselves.
Personally, I don't like a lot of the situations you described. I also understand there are two sides to a story, and most likely. This guy believes he is helping you.
I don't know your situation in detail or specifically. However nothing is impossible. I would begin immediately formulating a plan and taking steps to leave there influences completely.
I don't think anyone finds themselves as evil.
I certainly don't think of him that way.
He believes he is training me in the best way he knows how. In the guidance of someone who places highest importance on power and wealth. He told my brother and I that worldly success is number 1 and family comes second.
He appeals to me in ways he would understand when he was younger, and details stories of himself robbing dealerships of cars on test drives at gunpoint.
I believe him when he says he has the best intentions for me. I just feel like he is not doing it in a way that is healthy.
He uses fear tactics to control me. He has admitted to installing tracking software on my personal computer without my consent to verify what I said. One example was when he asked me how long I played games that day. I said I'm not sure. He said to guess. I guessed one hour and a half. He said I lied to him, and that I actually played for exactly 3.2hours and at what time. He had a smug look. I had no idea how he could have known, but I confirmed that it was around the time that I did play, and conceded I might have lost track of time. He insisted I knew and lied to him. The lesson I learned was I lacked discipline in managing my time, for I didn't have an accurate memory of how much time was spent.
He used to be a trouble maker. I have never been in trouble with the law. He has changed to a remarkably driven and focused person, with an amazing work ethic. The truth is, I do admire him for many of his qualities. I just don't appreciate his fear tactics and manipulative, deceptive methods, nor can I relate to his materialistic teachings and views. I feel like I'm fairly reasonable, but I find it impossible to reason with the man.
Please believe what you want to. You'd have to meet him for yourself, as I'm sure I have biases I'm unaware of. I don't blame you for not trusting me. I'm sure my story sounds ridiculous, but I'm sure I deserve it somehow.
I might refine my earlier comments a bit in light of the further information given.
I could be wrong, but I think this could be categorized as intense catalyst. According to the Ra/Q'uo outlook, you evidently desired to do some deep work during this little incarnation. From what you say, it has the ring of an entity desiring to explore the balance of Love and Wisdom, as well as the right-use-of-power versus martyrdom.
For instance, I would guess that your average up to date, plugged in, modern human would not turn the question of how to respond to a disease bearing, bloodsucking, creepy-crawley parasite into a poem about right relationship. They'd view as 1st chakra catalyst, kill it and move on. But for you it's a 2nd chakra paradox to be explored. In fact, for me, the whole shooting match revolves around 2nd chakra problems of definition. That is, a lack of clarity about your relationship with yourself as well as confusion about whether or not you deserve to be abused and enslaved.
Now, please understand, I do not say this with an attitude that these things should be clear to you by now. I expect you are unclear in the manner you represent because deep in your being these questions are unresolved, and you are using this drama as an opportunity to try to make clear choices. It's interesting how much clarity you have that this is your fate and how little you castigate yourself for being as you are. I choose to believe that this backs up my assertions about your overall situation.
So, here's my suggestion, both for your father figure and for yourself. Put the confrontativeness aside entirely for now and in your conversations try to simply facilitate mirroring. One way of doing that is literally repeat what he says, especially when it is outrageous. You want me to do x, y, z? Isn't that a bit outrageous? Or doesn't that sound like you're the master and I'm the slave? Does that sound like a mentally healthy relationship to you? Or you want me to......where did that idea come from? You might also deliberately try to draw him out repeatedly about his own suffering when he was your age so that he has an opportunity to see it more and more fully. How did that feel? Were you scared? Did that feel unfair? Did that make you feel any better in the long run? Did anyone ever really care for you? Was anyone ever there to back you up and help you out? The more you can catalyze the mirroring process and offer him a chance to feel his own feelings, the more he should be impelled to make some kind of shift.
For yourself, you should do something similar. Keep an accounting of you feel when you have to deal with yourself, how you feel when you are misled or comforted, etc.? It may feel a bit icky to mess with this, but I have a sense that it will serve you well in the long run if you can gain more clarity in this area.
It seems obvious that you are overbalanced towards Love as compared to Wisdom (the opposite of myself). The progress you can make in sorting out your 2nd chakra affairs will certainly be helpful, but I would also add that the real work in balancing Love and Wisdom begins in the deeper areas of the heart. I say this to possibly motivate you to work your way along through what's now before you so that you can do the work of balancing. In other words, at the level of the 2nd chakra, things may get sorted out and balanced for increased energy flow, but there is no deep spiritual resolution. The more profound work can't be done at that level of consciousness, it must needs be done at a much more all-inclusive level of self-awareness. You'll see when you get there.
Also, Foha, should you ever decide to leave your house and live by your own, use this opportunity of teach/learning and express your heart to them. The teach/learning can be a two way, help them learn from you, the real you, and not the intellectual why's and how's you were late for work, and why money and career is the most important thing in life. Provide them with a proper catalyst if they are ever to seek forgiveness. Try and open your heart, and express how it makes you feel, sincerely. They most likely care a lot for you deep down, and do not want to make you feel bad all the time.
(08-26-2018, 11:45 PM)Foha Wrote: [ -> ]I don't think anyone finds themselves as evil.
I certainly don't think of him that way.
He believes he is training me in the best way he knows how. In the guidance of someone who places highest importance on power and wealth. He told my brother and I that worldly success is number 1 and family comes second.
He appeals to me in ways he would understand when he was younger, and details stories of himself robbing dealerships of cars on test drives at gunpoint.
I believe him when he says he has the best intentions for me. I just feel like he is not doing it in a way that is healthy.
He uses fear tactics to control me. He has admitted to installing tracking software on my personal computer without my consent to verify what I said. One example was when he asked me how long I played games that day. I said I'm not sure. He said to guess. I guessed one hour and a half. He said I lied to him, and that I actually played for exactly 3.2hours and at what time. He had a smug look. I had no idea how he could have known, but I confirmed that it was around the time that I did play, and conceded I might have lost track of time. He insisted I knew and lied to him. The lesson I learned was I lacked discipline in managing my time, for I didn't have an accurate memory of how much time was spent.
He used to be a trouble maker. I have never been in trouble with the law. He has changed to a remarkably driven and focused person, with an amazing work ethic. The truth is, I do admire him for many of his qualities. I just don't appreciate his fear tactics and manipulative, deceptive methods, nor can I relate to his materialistic teachings and views. I feel like I'm fairly reasonable, but I find it impossible to reason with the man.
Please believe what you want to. You'd have to meet him for yourself, as I'm sure I have biases I'm unaware of. I don't blame you for not trusting me. I'm sure my story sounds ridiculous, but I'm sure I deserve it somehow.
I don't think you story is ridiculous. I actually completely believe you. I just know he is you, and me as well. Trust has nothing to do with this from my pov, I am offering no kinetic action other then words. If I were offering you a job, and a place to stay. Then to me trust would be a large factor. However the advice I gave you, is honestly what I would be focused on. I don't fully know or understand your job/intern position. But the first thing I would work on, is finding a job, that pays. You don't have any really close friends that could let you move in, especially if you had a job? See for you to leave there influences would mean leaving the comforts provided. You will most likely have to accept certain circumstances/conditions to be able to leave there influence. To me it would not even be a question. I honestly have faced similar experiences over the past 8 years. Albeit not exactly but, I do believe I felt very close to how you feel, so it is relatable. I have children in the equation, and have had to endure and prosper under the situation/circumstances. We/I(my family and I) are finally moving to a point to be able to move beyond these things. So I do believe you feel this way, and as creator/co-creator that is enough for it to be real/exist. To me the art of inner alchemy is being able to be in any place any time any experience and be able to bring about joy/curiosity.
So basically there are two options that have many paths that lead through them. Stay with them, or leave. Only you know your life, and truly know the potentials that lay ahead for either path. Staying with a friend, where you could might work, who you know etc..
Also staying with them probably has a very high degree of potential learning.
Thank you, Peregrine and Blossom.
I really appreciate this.
(08-26-2018, 12:30 PM)Foha Wrote: [ -> ] (08-26-2018, 12:42 AM)GentleReckoning Wrote: [ -> ]Foha, you're like super heavy into love/light right now?
I don't feel that way. I feel judgemental, cranky, and stressed!
My biggest difficulty and fear is standing up to authority at home. My stepfather uses malformed logic to reason with me, and because of his authority and the threats of taking away his support, I have been reluctant to stand up to him. My every reasoning to preserve my sanity and mental health to afford myself an hour a week for relaxation is dismissed as lies and deceit.
One example that happens often would be where he insists he "knows" I did something I shouldn't have when this was not the case. I ask him how he could know something that didn't happen, and he says "Of course it is true. I know because that is what I would do if I were you."
In this way, he tries to use the tool of 'seeing from my perspective', but only superficially. I can only guess that in his mind he places himself in my physical shoes, maybe even adorns my physical appearance, but he assumes the same ego, actions, and thoughts that he always had before. Instead of seeing the fallacy, this confirms to him that his opinions are common sense, and that I am crazy for not doing what he insists I did, or that I am hiding it, thinking I am clever like he is. In this way he validates his insane work ethic of 18 hours a day, 7 days a week, and applies it to me, when I work hourly and am expected to work without pay "to get ahead".
Every time we communicate or interact it is a one-way street. I must show respect to him, but he only belittles me. My concerns are not warranted. When I voiced my concerns, he cut me off saying, "I don't care at all about that. This is what I care about...", and proceeds to detail his concerns and reasoning.
Another fallacy he refuses to see is when he claims I do nothing to help around the house or be part of the family. This is simply not true, and before I can finish listing all of the things I do to help around the house, he waves his hand, dismissing them, saying "Those don't really count, because you only did that because you were told to." In this way, he robs me of free will or choices. If I do something, it is because I was told to, or out of fear. If I do not do that, it is a rebellious action against his authority (that he admits he would also do when he was younger). This makes it interesting when he makes claims about the future. Yesterday I said I will try to be home for dinner, but I might be a little late (due to traffic). He said "That means you will be late." In doing so, if I am late, it's an "I told you so." and if I am not, it's because "You did what I wanted you to do to avoid punishment."
I have stood up to him more since recently, but it is difficult because I am not allowed to speak. I am continually gas-lighted, cut off, my words 'translated' into something awful and slimy, and all his words translated by my mother into the soothing singing of angels. I am held to a nebulous and impossibly high work ethic. He laments he cannot micromanage my life when I am at school for almost the entire day, but affirms that he is allowed to assume the very worst about me at every opportunity, because "That is what [he] would do." So he assumes I play video games and waste away my time instead of being proactive in getting further in my career. For him, it is not enough to be a good worker. Life only becomes worthy when you are the very top of the totem pole, and you make the most money. He once told my brother when relaxing at a hot tub that he doesn't care about our mother (his wife) in comparison to his job. His work, he said, comes first in his life, and it's only by coincidence that he can afford extra time for our mother that he even does so.
In any case, this is my final semester, and I cannot afford time to work and make rent on my own. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. It is becoming increasingly difficult to be held to an impossible standard while also being invalidated for every correct action I do. My concerns, my goals, my philosophy, are all useless and unimportant to him, he said. He doesn't care to see from my perspective when I offered him the chance, or to hear what it is like to be in my situation. Despite having a capstone course along with a full-time senior course load of work, he insists that I should have time to devote to an internship that I tried 3 times to give my 2 weeks notice for. Each time I was shot down, threatened to not be able to use it on my resume as a reference, or that I'd be burning bridges in my career, that my laptop would be taken away, and at worst I'd be kicked out of the shelter they provide me. Despite this, I am not allowed to give 'excuses' as to what keeps me so busy, and I am not warranted to justify my free time spent on relaxation and maintaining a healthy mental state.
I fear that if I stand up to him, and get myself kicked out of my home, I will be deemed "mentally unsound", or a "danger to myself", and institutionalized like I was in the past for religious fasting. I will then be kept against my will in a mental institution where proving sanity is virtually impossible for similar reasons it is impossible to appeal to my stepfather any of my reasoning. When I behave with clarity and sanity, I am deemed "pretending to be sane" so I will be let go. I am forced to take mentally altering drugs that make cognitive abilities very difficult. I remember the last time I was there, I was forced to take a very strong dose of some medication I couldn't remember the name of. We were allowed to watch Spiderman 3, and the ~2 minute intro felt like a movie to me with such complex and beautifully crafted story telling that when the logo appeared, I stood and clapped thinking I just watched a full-length movie. In that way, it is hard to demonstrate mental clarity or sanity of any kind. And it should be considered fair to assume that this can and will be used to generate more income at an institution treated like a business, with my parents being customers, with me as a resource.
I am definitely afraid. I feel like I am being backed into a corner... and perhaps this is exactly what is happening. Perhaps my lesson is to learn to stand up for myself and my beliefs.
He sees himself from your perspective, instead of you from your perspective.
(08-25-2018, 04:46 PM)Foha Wrote: [ -> ]I was given many ideas from this guru. One of them being the idea that femininity and masculinity have specific roles in the universe. I couldn't quite hear what he was saying when he described the masculine role, but I remember him saying the feminine role was that of providing space for things to manifest. This seems to be in line with the Law of One archetypes, as well as some of the teachings in Hermetics. He suggested that the feminine principle offers space for things to manifest in the universe. For something to manifest, we first must give it space to do so.
In relationship usually man needs space and women needs time. This has to be balanced.
Quote:So when our next meeting came up, and without good planning, I went to see the leader of the Buddhist temple I had been attending in person, forgetting to cancel the meeting.
Sorry but honestly it's a matter of respect that you cancel a meeting. I think his response was legitimate.
A different matter is to be careful with deceits and ignore shiny offers for shurtcuts and easy steps to anything.
I should be the one feeling sorry, loostudent.
You are justified in calling me out for this.
Thank you for sharing your advice, and allowing me to feel more humbled!
Your advice is in line with a thought that came to me, which I cannot take credit for. "How can you judge someone/something that you cannot understand?"
I am motivated to treat everyone with respect and without judgement from now on.
I would also like to dismiss my thoughts about Choje Rinpoche, as well.
In stress, I lashed out in my thoughts. I was being immature and ungrateful.