(05-12-2019, 03:16 AM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: [ -> ]I hate myself. And I am beginning to hate my higher self. I hate the experiences I've been programmed to experience, and whatever lesson I'm supposed to learn from this seeming "Kobayashi Maru" of a life (for those who don't get the Star Trek reference, Kobayashi Maru was a simulated program that was designed to be unwinnable so the trainee could learn to accept failure) I hate that too.
I felt almost exactly the same as you did. I went through various depressive periods throughout my life. The first one was when I was younger, like pre-mid 20's. When I lost my job, I subconsciously knew it was over. I had nothing in terms of possessions, all I had was the TV that my family owned. Fast forward some odd years, I had finally gotten a job. I didn't work there for long but it was enough for me to get some possessions to keep me company. That eventually led to my next major job in which I managed to move out. I didn't stay long there either and I came back home. I worked online and at home for what's been 11 years. So for 11 years I've been holed up here. Still here by the way.
Believe me when I say that I understand what it feels like to be trapped with nowhere to go and no other winning paths. I developed another period of depression, this time with psychotic features, just last year. I'm in my mid 30's now. I'm 5'4, 214 lbs, Asian male and never had a girlfriend. You would think that even if I'm not physically attractive, that I'd at least be professionally competent and make good money but no. I mean I am very good with computers but with the extreme limitation on income, that can be suppressed as well. So by all respects, I'm completely down in the gutter.
The latest psychotic depressive episode taught me that there is nothing to hate in myself. I'm a good person who has always tried to do right by others but others take advantage of it like I was just another can of soda they drink and throw away. Even though at one point, I'd be enraged at the thought, today, I do not feel that way. Throughout my path in learning Law of One, I've come to understand the purpose of such harsh incarnation is to distill the love and wisdom from my experiences. It is those collective experiences that I can use to guide me in life, whether it be politics, relationships or whatnot. I can also use it to be here for you to help guide you in your pain.
Once you take stock of your life experiences, you'll realize that the pain you experienced made you stronger. This strength is unmovable by anybody. Once you activate your green-ray center (love) you will find that your love, and very presence, shines brighter than 1000 souls combined into one. I'm not going to pretend it's an easy path. I'm still walking it and on the path to recovery. But I did manage to reach green-ray despite the insane odds stacked against me. By all rights it shouldn't have happened. I have every bit reason to be angry at the world and the people in it. For their abuse of me is unspeakable.
Quote:I want to commit suicide, but I see no point in it, because I'll just inevitably be reborn with the same issues and experience the same humiliations, defeats, losses and rejections. I feel like I've got no way to lash out against this universe for putting me in a situation I can't win at while others around me succeed without even having to struggle for it in the ways I want to succeed.
Yes you're right. You'll just incarnate again and you'll be presented with the same lessons. It's better to learn them, distill the wisdom from them so that next life you can live a much better one.
Quote:I recognize in theory that I AM those people and they are me, but I can't appreciate that in my heart, so I fucking hate them for the blessings they've been bestowed that I can't ever hope to achieve. I hate them for the winning hand they've been dealt in life.
Don't hate them for them being dealt the winning hand. We don't know the circumstances of their life or why they were incarnated that way. Perhaps they earned it? That is not for us to know. What's helped me is to have positive role models. My role models are all successful but I don't hate them for it because I know the path it took to get them there was a difficult one yet they persevered and they are still amazing to this day.
The Rock is one of them. He had no money in his pocket and decided one day that all he had was his two hands and arms. He's now one of the top actors in the world and he was one of the most successful wrestlers of his time. This guy literally had nothing. He now has everything. So I believe that it's entirely possible to not only recover but do so good that it's beyond your wildest expectations.
Quote:I want to WIN.
You can win. The power is in yourself.
Quote:Side note: I am beginning to doubt more and more that I am a wanderer. Because I do NOT find the opportunity to serve this planet worth the personal suffering I've had to go through and the futility I've had to face in order to do whatever nebulous "service" I came here to do. And I can't think of a way to serve this planet any more than any 3d native jerkoff could. Nor do I feel any more inclined to be of service than any native 3D jerkoff.
LMAO it's good to have discernment in whether or not you are a wanderer. I wish more people actually did this to see that they perhaps are not wanderers but they're here to learn something and they should take that learning seriously. You've read the feminism thread. You've seen 1st hand how people twist, distort, sometimes even outright ignore the teachings. Your extreme alienation (just like me) is what makes me suspect that you ARE a wanderer.
Having been in a similar place as you, I can say that you are so close to becoming your ideal self and your ideal self is so unstoppable that you'll wonder why you were even jealous of those so called 'successful' people. You need to get to a point where your pain is transmuted into wisdom, then sharing that pain, coupled with your wisdom, and the love, you will be in a position to be of service to others. You will find that there is no other who could be of service to others like you can be.
Quote:I think most people who read the Law of One look at how different they feel from others (which is a normal thing for everybody) and thinks to themselves "I must be a wanderer! That's it! The reason I feel so unique and different and isolated is because I'm not of this dimension, not because I AM of this dimension and these feelings are just part of the human condition"
I agree. Did you read the whole feminism thread? I talked about LARP'ers and even exposed a few of them. Things like Law of One attract people like them because in doing so they can wear the mantle of 'wanderer' without having done the hard work that comes from being one. Lives like yours and mine are automatically HARDCORE mode so the difference between us and them are immediately apparent. A real wanderer and a fake wanderer is just as noticeable as night and day.
