09-27-2020, 04:39 PM
Hello everyone.
I would begin first by saying that I have been visiting these forums since early 2012. Although I have never engaged in the discussions, I have read quite a bit over the years. There are not a few here for whom I have deep admiration and respect. Your words, although intended for another, have touched me many times and have given me valuable insights, shifted my perspective, and given me hope at times when I needed it. If only my gratitude were able to be properly expressed. Thank you all so very much!
Now please forgive me for the length of my post.
I was born in Kansas and have lived here my entire life. My childhood was not what I would call happy. If I had to underline themes of my life, it would be loneliness and confusion. My parents both had their share of pains and insecurities that made it difficult for them to look beyond themselves as parents—although I know they did their best. My father was a great and wonderful man when he was sober and downright terrifying when he was not, which was too often as an alcoholic. My mother used substances and possessive men to escape herself. Both loved me very much, but other things would distract them and damage our relationship deeply. Much of my time was spent alone in my room playing on the computer or dawdling around outside when at my father’s. My father’s explosive and unpredictable rages left me feeling constantly uncertain about how my actions would affect someone else.
I always had difficulty making friends. I was incredibly shy and terrified of other people to the point I would not be able to respond at all. Aggressively extroverted people were the only friends I managed to make because they had outstanding perseverance in getting me to open up. Throughout school, I had only ever made friends that I would see exclusively during school. Interactions outside of school were rare and awkward enough to not happen again. My few friends were mostly from online games, and even still, there was an always persistent feeling of loneliness with them. Having never known any difference, I was never able to recognize loneliness, however.
My family was largely Christian, and yet I recall at a very young age believing in reincarnation. Not something my family would have ever condoned. One of my grandfathers would relate nearly everything back to God and the bible and never passed up a chance to let everyone know his faith. I attempted to explore Christianity on and off for years. The notion of a loving God made me feel connected with something as I prayed, but I would then encounter such unloving and cruel things within the bible or other devout people such as my grandfather that I would abandon it entirely; throwing out the baby with the bathwater so to speak. Out of a growing pit of apathy and resignation, I settled on atheism and nihilism as an early teen. To escape myself, I played video games constantly and convinced myself that I hated and did not need people.
I had dropped out of school in my final semester of high school in 2010 and I firmly believe it was the best thing I had ever done. I was able to briefly escape the expectations other people put upon me to act and live in the ways others wanted of me. Depression and apathy did not abate, but I felt a great weight lifted from me.
On December 21, 2011, I found myself feeling so lost about what to do that I gave up trying to even find direction. Instead of turning to video games once again, I meditated for the first time since I was formally introduced to it in a high school psychology class. It did not take long that I felt a rhythmic sensation around my head that slowly came down upon me and I found myself traveling through a tunnel and then floating among what I describe as a purple nebula without stars. Here I felt I was downloading a massive amount of information that I could not really comprehend consciously, but I knew with certainty that I had the attention of something. I came out of the experience weeping with gratitude that I was wrong about my nihilistic beliefs, even if I understood none of it.
The next day I stumbled my way through the internet and came across the Hidden Hand and, consequently, The Ra Material. As I read the Law of One, it was like a cipher—or like a software able to properly utilize the data I had received the previous day. Perhaps I was simply in a vulnerable mental state, but it felt like I knew nearly everything that I was reading in the material. I would feel such surges of ecstasy that I would have to take breaks away from reading. And when I was not reading I would pay close attention to absolutely everything in my awareness. The way carpet felt on my feet, the coolness of the walls, the amazing pain of scalding water—all of it was enrapturing. Everything had changed and yet nothing had changed at all! I saw and felt the world for what seemed like the very first time in my life, and it was perfect.
Such exciting things must be shared, I thought to myself. Such is the way of many initiates of mystical experiences, is it not? Of course, things being the way they are, nobody wanted to have any of it. Certainly not my family that were now concerned about me worshipping demons and whatnot. Ah well!
Allow me a final mystical experience to share, I will not bore you with them all.
Only a few months later, I had another inward experience during meditation wherein I arrived in a place of golden clouds of light. I relaxed into this place for a few moments until I felt contentment. The environment, so to speak, disappeared and I was alone in a void. It was only an instant before I then saw a woman standing in front of me some distance away as she smiled with the purest joy I have ever seen—and it was for me, to my surprise. Even more surprising was that I recognized her—somehow—as an ancient friend that I have not seen in ages. She glowed with soft green light as she approached me slowly. I could feel the love coming from her heart to my own, wrapping around my defenses with a silent request to disarm them. The woman approached only as quickly as I felt comfortable, and the love grew more intense the closer she came until finally she stood before me with her radiant smile and hugged me. I put my arms around her and squeezed her as close as I possibly could and then I felt it: I need her more than I need anything else. In that instant, she took a final step into my very self. There was no distinction between her and I. I could see myself in exactly the way she saw me—absolutely perfect and absolutely loved. Her love did not glaze over the things I was ashamed of, but looked deeply into every part of myself and accepted it without judgment. I felt I was going to burst in an explosion of love.
This experience felt like the “true” reality. My entire life was like a hand passing through smoke in comparison to what I felt in that moment. It was the first time in my life I did not feel alone, and it is the first time I recognized my own loneliness. Since then, she appeared in many dreams and accompanied me in other inward experiences and even comforted me in times of great distress. Her presence would be felt and she was ruthlessly compassionate as she encouraged me to seek connection with others, to abandon my judgments, to always forgive myself and others, and to embrace even my fears. I realized that the hatred and bitterness I had towards others was a shield against pain, for I deeply wanted to connect and be a part of people’s lives; I feared being hurt by what I wanted most.
Every day for about two years after that experience, I would feel a constant sense of love and openness in my heart that required no effort whatsoever. Gradually, however, it did fade. I am not sure why, perhaps it is because I slowly chose minor diversions that built into greater distractions. I have often shamed myself for losing it and felt I did not deserve it as I have squandered my opportunities. It has been a few years since I have had experiences that were even a fraction as explicit as these. Over time, I have allowed myself to slip away from my spiritual practices and find myself returning to old, harmful patterns and a hardened heart.
These experiences and outlooks did help me to make significant changes and explorations in my life. I went back to school to pursue becoming a therapist and worked at a mental health facility in order to help people. I enjoyed the work quite a bit, but there were so many people in the field who did not treat those we served as human beings it was horrifying to see and be unable to facilitate any change.
With the recent events of COVID, I have had to make significant changes that have allowed me to return to my spiritual practices that I have long put off. This, however, also included separating from the few friends and connections that I had and the ever-constant loneliness has become more noticeable; as well as eroding what little social skills I had
. I have been able to reflect more mindfully on what it is that I want to do and what is fulfilling to me, which has in turn simply made me realize I know less and less about myself all the time. So I am no closer to knowing what my “mission” here is or why feelings of connection escape me even when it seems it should not.
Yet I am quite glad to be returning, once-again, away from that sinkhole of indifference and feel again, even in complete confusion of it all.
I would begin first by saying that I have been visiting these forums since early 2012. Although I have never engaged in the discussions, I have read quite a bit over the years. There are not a few here for whom I have deep admiration and respect. Your words, although intended for another, have touched me many times and have given me valuable insights, shifted my perspective, and given me hope at times when I needed it. If only my gratitude were able to be properly expressed. Thank you all so very much!
Now please forgive me for the length of my post.
I was born in Kansas and have lived here my entire life. My childhood was not what I would call happy. If I had to underline themes of my life, it would be loneliness and confusion. My parents both had their share of pains and insecurities that made it difficult for them to look beyond themselves as parents—although I know they did their best. My father was a great and wonderful man when he was sober and downright terrifying when he was not, which was too often as an alcoholic. My mother used substances and possessive men to escape herself. Both loved me very much, but other things would distract them and damage our relationship deeply. Much of my time was spent alone in my room playing on the computer or dawdling around outside when at my father’s. My father’s explosive and unpredictable rages left me feeling constantly uncertain about how my actions would affect someone else.
I always had difficulty making friends. I was incredibly shy and terrified of other people to the point I would not be able to respond at all. Aggressively extroverted people were the only friends I managed to make because they had outstanding perseverance in getting me to open up. Throughout school, I had only ever made friends that I would see exclusively during school. Interactions outside of school were rare and awkward enough to not happen again. My few friends were mostly from online games, and even still, there was an always persistent feeling of loneliness with them. Having never known any difference, I was never able to recognize loneliness, however.
My family was largely Christian, and yet I recall at a very young age believing in reincarnation. Not something my family would have ever condoned. One of my grandfathers would relate nearly everything back to God and the bible and never passed up a chance to let everyone know his faith. I attempted to explore Christianity on and off for years. The notion of a loving God made me feel connected with something as I prayed, but I would then encounter such unloving and cruel things within the bible or other devout people such as my grandfather that I would abandon it entirely; throwing out the baby with the bathwater so to speak. Out of a growing pit of apathy and resignation, I settled on atheism and nihilism as an early teen. To escape myself, I played video games constantly and convinced myself that I hated and did not need people.
I had dropped out of school in my final semester of high school in 2010 and I firmly believe it was the best thing I had ever done. I was able to briefly escape the expectations other people put upon me to act and live in the ways others wanted of me. Depression and apathy did not abate, but I felt a great weight lifted from me.
On December 21, 2011, I found myself feeling so lost about what to do that I gave up trying to even find direction. Instead of turning to video games once again, I meditated for the first time since I was formally introduced to it in a high school psychology class. It did not take long that I felt a rhythmic sensation around my head that slowly came down upon me and I found myself traveling through a tunnel and then floating among what I describe as a purple nebula without stars. Here I felt I was downloading a massive amount of information that I could not really comprehend consciously, but I knew with certainty that I had the attention of something. I came out of the experience weeping with gratitude that I was wrong about my nihilistic beliefs, even if I understood none of it.
The next day I stumbled my way through the internet and came across the Hidden Hand and, consequently, The Ra Material. As I read the Law of One, it was like a cipher—or like a software able to properly utilize the data I had received the previous day. Perhaps I was simply in a vulnerable mental state, but it felt like I knew nearly everything that I was reading in the material. I would feel such surges of ecstasy that I would have to take breaks away from reading. And when I was not reading I would pay close attention to absolutely everything in my awareness. The way carpet felt on my feet, the coolness of the walls, the amazing pain of scalding water—all of it was enrapturing. Everything had changed and yet nothing had changed at all! I saw and felt the world for what seemed like the very first time in my life, and it was perfect.
Such exciting things must be shared, I thought to myself. Such is the way of many initiates of mystical experiences, is it not? Of course, things being the way they are, nobody wanted to have any of it. Certainly not my family that were now concerned about me worshipping demons and whatnot. Ah well!
Allow me a final mystical experience to share, I will not bore you with them all.
Only a few months later, I had another inward experience during meditation wherein I arrived in a place of golden clouds of light. I relaxed into this place for a few moments until I felt contentment. The environment, so to speak, disappeared and I was alone in a void. It was only an instant before I then saw a woman standing in front of me some distance away as she smiled with the purest joy I have ever seen—and it was for me, to my surprise. Even more surprising was that I recognized her—somehow—as an ancient friend that I have not seen in ages. She glowed with soft green light as she approached me slowly. I could feel the love coming from her heart to my own, wrapping around my defenses with a silent request to disarm them. The woman approached only as quickly as I felt comfortable, and the love grew more intense the closer she came until finally she stood before me with her radiant smile and hugged me. I put my arms around her and squeezed her as close as I possibly could and then I felt it: I need her more than I need anything else. In that instant, she took a final step into my very self. There was no distinction between her and I. I could see myself in exactly the way she saw me—absolutely perfect and absolutely loved. Her love did not glaze over the things I was ashamed of, but looked deeply into every part of myself and accepted it without judgment. I felt I was going to burst in an explosion of love.
This experience felt like the “true” reality. My entire life was like a hand passing through smoke in comparison to what I felt in that moment. It was the first time in my life I did not feel alone, and it is the first time I recognized my own loneliness. Since then, she appeared in many dreams and accompanied me in other inward experiences and even comforted me in times of great distress. Her presence would be felt and she was ruthlessly compassionate as she encouraged me to seek connection with others, to abandon my judgments, to always forgive myself and others, and to embrace even my fears. I realized that the hatred and bitterness I had towards others was a shield against pain, for I deeply wanted to connect and be a part of people’s lives; I feared being hurt by what I wanted most.
Every day for about two years after that experience, I would feel a constant sense of love and openness in my heart that required no effort whatsoever. Gradually, however, it did fade. I am not sure why, perhaps it is because I slowly chose minor diversions that built into greater distractions. I have often shamed myself for losing it and felt I did not deserve it as I have squandered my opportunities. It has been a few years since I have had experiences that were even a fraction as explicit as these. Over time, I have allowed myself to slip away from my spiritual practices and find myself returning to old, harmful patterns and a hardened heart.
These experiences and outlooks did help me to make significant changes and explorations in my life. I went back to school to pursue becoming a therapist and worked at a mental health facility in order to help people. I enjoyed the work quite a bit, but there were so many people in the field who did not treat those we served as human beings it was horrifying to see and be unable to facilitate any change.
With the recent events of COVID, I have had to make significant changes that have allowed me to return to my spiritual practices that I have long put off. This, however, also included separating from the few friends and connections that I had and the ever-constant loneliness has become more noticeable; as well as eroding what little social skills I had
. I have been able to reflect more mindfully on what it is that I want to do and what is fulfilling to me, which has in turn simply made me realize I know less and less about myself all the time. So I am no closer to knowing what my “mission” here is or why feelings of connection escape me even when it seems it should not.Yet I am quite glad to be returning, once-again, away from that sinkhole of indifference and feel again, even in complete confusion of it all.
The detail that jumped out at me most is when you described ‘traveling through a tunnel and then floating among what I describe as a purple nebula without stars’; whenever I meditate (which is nowhere near as much as I’d like to!) I experience the exact same thing- a tunnel of colours appears in my mind and then I pass through until all I can see is purple nebulae. I always thought they looked like a web of neural connections before, the sort you see in certain brain scans, but when I read your description I felt the nebulae was much more fitting! Sometimes within the purple web I see pyramids made of rainbow colours and for a long time I was seeing an Aztec type symbol which was lit up in neon light (after I searched for it on google it turned out to be the Aztec Sun Stone!). Interested to know if you or anyone else has seen this?! Also, does anyone get chills/tingles down their back and through their body whenever they think of anything remotely spiritual or ringing in the ears?