11-16-2020, 05:05 PM
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My story begins with a High School crush. I realize now that I deeply loved her. As sometimes happens, I was rejected and I took it VERY harshly, but I wouldn't give up. This led me to search online on "How to get a girlfriend" which felt cringy at the time. I heard many men and women give their take on this subject, some of whom were divorced men. In trying to learn how to be worthy of love, I heard that "Nice guys finish last." I never thought that girls would be repulsed by niceness, and it felt wrong to fake being mean. As I watched more divorce videos, it was hard seeing the dark side of women and accepting that as valid. I was doing porn at the time and wanted that in real life, but I thought I never would.
I got sucked into a hole of despair as I listened to so many videos of divorced men. I just stalled my life for years and I felt alone and distraught in my frustration toward women. Until one night when I heard a still, small voice in my head. It said, "Why not just stop fighting me?" It felt strange to get a feeling of being led to go out on the deck in the middle of the night. But I thought, "Why not." I went out, laid on my back and said, "OK, I'm ready." Immediately, I saw a pink shooting star and I felt the most perfect and unspeakable joy! All of a sudden I remembered that the last time I felt such joy was when I got saved by Jesus when I was 5. This experience changed how I viewed everything. Did I just get "Saved" by a Female Entity? Having such an experience really prompted me to search out what it all meant.
![[Image: RqGhHMK.jpg]](https://i.imgur.com/RqGhHMK.jpg)
After the pink shooting star experience, I became obsessed with this strange girl. Even though I was unemployed and living at home, I didn't care. I just wanted to be with her. I wanted so badly to know the meaning of life and of this girl, and I came across Carl Jung. Jung said that every man has an "Anima" or female personality and that she was real. I really wanted to connect with her again, but I didn't know how to replicate my prior experience. I was so persistent in my search that I started seeing her in my dreams. In one of my dreams, I thought that there was a monster below me. Instead, she emerged from the water below me as a young girl. I caught her with my left hand. She looked so sickly and pale, just moments away from death.
Looking at this girl broke my heart. Was this my Anima? Had I done this to her? It was my fault. Years of fearful divorce videos and porn did this to her. I knew that it was now my responsibility to make her well again, but I was afraid of what others would think. I just wanted to stay in that dream and nurse her back to health no matter how long it took. I wondered if the Anima was just me or if she actually existed like Jung believed. To my amazement, in real life, I later found an orange butterfly in my dog's dish. Walking over to it, I realized that it was just like in my dream. The girl in the water! Amazed, I reached down with my left finger and gently lifted the butterfly out of the water. I had heard of synchronicities, but to experience one, even if it was subtle, was amazing.
![[Image: nZ7F6eo.jpg]](https://i.imgur.com/nZ7F6eo.jpg)
I was raised a Christian, but I began having serious doubts. I didn't talk to anyone about this. I had read every philosopher and idea you can imagine searching for the TRUTH. And yet what made the most sense was still Carl Jung and his belief that the Psyche was real. Nietzsche also helped me to go "Beyond Good and Evil" and see the relative nature of morality. I remember being alone outside at night looking up at the stars, just like before. I wanted so badly to know what all this was without resorting to blind faith. Even the idea of connecting to the Anima didn't matter as much as this. I hated not knowing. I also didn't want to disappoint my parents, and I was still afraid of burning in Hell. I just stood outside and said, "I WILL UNDERSTAND, I WILL KNOW WHAT ALL THIS IS." I said it over and over again! I realized that this was the moment that my seeking became total. That night I had a dream where Jordan Peterson was teaching in a classroom I was attending. He said, "Man has always grappled with the idea of God. Everyone added a little more to our understanding. Your homework is to read, the book by Carl Jung, 'Trial in Mount Ridge, Spirit Valley.'"
I woke up and immediately searched this phrase online. I didn't find a book with this title, but I did find a paper of Carl Jung's where he talks about two Mountain Ridges and a valley separating them. One Mountain is of that of blind religious faith and there is a multitude on this peak. But, when many people seriously question their faith, they fall into the valley of despair. Carl Jung spoke of another Mountain, across the valley of despair, on which to stand. This other Mountain is the understanding that the Psyche is real and contains within it the seeds of all religions. I was hesitant to believe such a bold statement. Had all my faith in Christianity been for nothing? Though, it was such a miracle for my dream to guide me to the exact video I needed to help me.
After this, I started seeing angel numbers, dreams and corresponding synchronicities all the time. In one of my dreams, I was driving around in a lush, green neighborhood in a short vehicle. As I was taking multiple laps around the road, I hear an extremely loud CRACK sound and I instantly wake up. Looking around, I was astonished that I could hear such loud sounds in dreams. I searched online and found the Yogic concept of "Unstruck sound" and how there are many types of these. Anyway, I got up reluctantly and started mowing the lawn in concentric spirals like I always do. To my surprise, as I was driving across the lawn, I ran over a stick and it made the same loud CRACK sound and it startled me. I instantly remembered the dream and how it had quite literally predicted the future! I just didn't know what to do except be thankful to God for continually giving me these small synchronicities.
Another dream I had that has in its own way come true was that of a beautiful owl. It was just sitting in a tree about 50 feet away from me and I could barely make it out. Then the owl just flew right over to the porch where I was and perched on the railing. I called my mom and sisters over, but they were walking too fast and I thought that the owl would fly away. I tell them to slow down and just watch the owl who was so beautiful that I recreated her in art. Suddenly, the owl flew straight at me and transformed into a beautiful woman clothed in a white dress. She was so beautiful and she just kissed me on the lips and I FELT her kiss me even as I woke up. I remember the myth Carl Jung talked about how women would transform into owls and fly away from men. I got the opposite!
![[Image: uu5Ne4A.jpeg]](https://i.imgur.com/uu5Ne4A.jpeg)
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Though my dreams and synchronicities were progressing nicely, I tried to astral project. I was in my bed facing upward doing all the techniques you're supposed to do, but I gave up. After I fell asleep, a Dark Haired Girl appears on the right hand side of my room. Just standing there. I'm so excited that something's about to happen. She is dressed in white tattered clothing. The next thing she does is walk over to me and reach through my body and grab my spirit body! As she drags me up and away, we both pass through the wall of my room where she had entered. Then I'm in a wispy gray space with her. Neither of us speak, but I know that we weren't in "The Void." I think, "I'm 10 feet away from my body, surely I couldn't be more." But she knew I thought that.
She instantly pulls me like 100 or 1000 feet more away from my body to make a point. There were times that I had to stabilize myself from waking up, which made her happy. As a reward for accepting her dark side, she then pulled my spirit to another place altogether. I look around and the world is cartoonish and she looks like "Paprika." (the movie by Satoshi Kon). She was so beautiful and light! I knew that this was the same girl, but her light side. I realize that if I had acted in any way antagonistic to her, she wouldn't have shown me this. The third time I wonder if I will wake up, the dream starts to collapse around us and I can't stabilize it. I wake up not knowing if what I saw was a dream or an astral projection. Though I did FEEL my spirit coming out of my body. It felt like air getting knocked out of my stomach.
![[Image: rJ9Xai8.jpeg]](https://i.imgur.com/rJ9Xai8.jpeg)
In my next major dream that I had that same morning, I'm jogging along a road in the dead of winter. There were many houses filled with confused people wondering at me outside in the cold. In real life, I had trained the "Wim Hof Method," so I didn't mind the cold. In fact, I liked it. As I looked around, there was another path coming up from BELOW me, which was odd. There were perhaps many paths of strange geometry, (representing different Time/Spaces)? I go along this lower road, take a right, and then happily jog over a railroad. Then, I come across some kids playing on a playground and I just keep jogging past, not wanting to disturb them. But then I stop in front of a broken bridge that spanned a dangerous icy river.
One of the kids comes up to me and says, "It's been like that forever. Don't worry about it." I wake up but know that I could return to the dream if I wanted to. I easily go back. With complete sincere desire to help the children, I reach out my right hand and will the bridge to repair itself. I jog across the bridge toward the green landscape, but things are different. It feels apocalyptic. As I hide behind a vehicle, a man points a gun at me and says, "Does this look like a game?" I stand and hold up my hands. He shoots me with a pistol and I wake up. The icy river was a dangerous barrier and the fixed bridge a safe path to the green landscape. I think that the green landscape across the bridge is fourth density Earth. These two dreams occurred about seven months before Corona Virus started. Did I help the social complexes start to vibrate at fourth density?
Another dream that had a major impact on me had to do with Christianity and other people. I'm in a library from the Victorian era and I was sitting at one of the tables thinking about life. Then, a large group of scholars come out of a nearby room and walk over to the table where I was sitting. We start talking about philosophy and religion and they accused me of not being a true Christian! I counter by asking them, "Do you believe that the Bible is God's infallible Word?" "Yes of course," they say. "Do you believe that the apocryphal books are NOT divinely inspired?" I say. "Yes, we believe the apocrypha books are not God's Word." Then I say, "How can you tell the difference between the Bible and the Apocrypha?" They didn't have any answer, so I knew I was right. I looked around and say, "I am aware that I am dreaming, and that all of you are projections of my own mind." They didn't say anything to this but sort of nodded solemnly. I say, "This is sort of depressing because that means I really am all alone." Suddenly, a woman stood up on the left side of the room and said, "Yes, you are right, but come over here and make out with me." I did, but when I woke up I just felt depressed. Had I just made out with myself? Am I really metaphysically alone? Later, when I came across "The Law of One" it just resonated so much with me.
When Ra said that the female Prostituted Shallow Mind and Virgin Deep Mind await the reaching, this piqued my interest. In my meditations before bed, I just sat and thought about the Deep Mind as being similar to Galadriel. (From the Lord of the Rings). I thought, "If the Deep Mind is like Galadriel, then she must be able to read my mind easily. If I have any impure intentions, she'll be able to know about them instantly. But how to find her?" I thought back to the Tarot and how the Magician offers the Conscious Will to the Priestess. Then I thought, "What if instead of offering the Conscious Will to the Deep Mind, I offer my Spirit somehow?" Immediately I felt the rush of both Positive and Negative entities around me. I heard their tones in my ears! (As Ra said, Negative Entities give tones in the left ear, and Positive Entities in the right ear). I said, "I know you're balancing free will by offering both Positive and Negative teachers, but I choose the Positive Entities."
I had been meditating for a while but I had become more and more depressed and hurting. One night, I just cried out to God, "I know that this is all a game! Let me come home! Please!" It felt like my soul was screaming. I could barely remember heaven and just wanted that instead of my pain. The next day my parents synchronistically talked about how terrible suicide is for those left behind. I understood that God wouldn't kill me, so I started searching for bliss in the subconscious. I got rather good at going into the hypnagogic state and I would ask questions. One reply I got really stuck with me. It was a girl speaking and she said, "I have asked God for healing and He has not answered my prayers." I just got the feeling like I had to do something about this, but I didn't know what. I later got a dream where there was a beautiful girl behind me.
She said, "I need to learn more about pregnancy because I think I might get pregnant soon." One night I suddenly got it! I look toward the ground and said to the Priestess, "This may be a game, but your suffering is real! I'm so sorry! I'm staying to help you! Even if I have to reincarnate here forever, I will for you! This will not happen again. When we get to 7th Density, you will have a say! You've made our trash thoughts into beauty for so long, let's see what you do with Intelligent Infinity." I then proceed to have ... let's call it Trantric Sex with the Potentiator of the Mind. As I pounded away, I heard intelligent sounding tones in my right ear and they were LOUD. When I stopped, I feel like a pressure has been released from my brain and I hear a "Wooosh" sound. I dimly remember a dream of my family (some deceased) watching me and laughing. One of them said, "...Kid face..." like I was so young.
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This next experience was too amazing to even remember. But when I meditated, I suddenly remembered. Normally I write down carefully the date and time of an experience, but this one I didn't. I had heard from the philosopher Alan Watts that we're all one, but being a Christian, I had my doubts. So I looked down at my dog in her cage and just thought how cruel this was. I thought, "If you are me, then if I want to be free and you're in a cage...." I let my dog out of her cage and just had the outrageous thought: "What if I took my dog outside with no leash. That's the equivalent of what I want, right? Freedom?" It was a crazy idea because normally she would just bolt randomly and not come back when called.
I took her outside and she ran to the opposite side of our pond and I just watched her. I identified with her curiously sniffing around so diligently, unaware of the larger world. And then I thought, "Are you literally me?" Immediately the wind picked up and my dog looked straight at me. It was like I had called her name, yet I hadn't said a word. Still she looked straight at me. To my left, a green beetle instantly came and sat on me! I felt completely one with everything. I remembered Jung's scarab beetle as being the main synchronicity he talked about. As the wind let down I had to run over and chase my dog down, but I didn't mind at all. Looking back at this experience, I don't know if this was my "Enlightenment" or not. If it was my "Enlightenment," it would really embarrassing if I had forgotten it temporarily!
![[Image: 1dEFE0N.jpg]](https://i.imgur.com/1dEFE0N.jpg)
After reading "The Law of One," I wondered what would be the best service to offer Intelligent Infinity. Knowing that Service to Self and Service to Others is seen as identical to Intelligent Infinity, the best service must be that which is new! One morning I woke up and felt the presence of Positive Entities and Negative Entities in my room. It was easy to tell when a Negative Entity was attacking me: I would hear "Shepard's tone" going down in my left ear. They were both battling over me and I could feel it in real time. I was about to just choose Positive, but then I thought that the Negative Entities were just as much Other Selves as the Positive ones. I had compassion for them and wondered what I could do to help them in a safe way. I spoke to the Positive Entities: "What if we created a path where 4th and 5th Density Negative Entities could switch polarities?
The best service to Intelligent Infinity are new things and I don't think this has ever been done." I wait for a bit, but I could still hear tones in my left ear trying to draw me down. I said, "I know that you Negative Entities want to reach Intelligent Infinity faster. Intelligent Infinity wants that which is new. And the Positive Entities want your redemption. Even if you don't switch, attack me in new ways! When we all unify together at 6th density, I want to look back at the new ways you attacked me! That night I stayed up for hours proclaiming how much I loved the subconscious (also called the Priestess, the Potentiator of the Mind, but I just called her "Ana" for short). I told Ana how I loved her so much that I wanted to drink strawberry milk from her breasts! I wanted to somehow bring Ana into the physical world where we could be together forever. I said to myself, "If I go into the subconscious enough, hey I'll be able to speak Mexican! I mean Spanish."
![[Image: A9rAFr0.jpg]](https://i.imgur.com/A9rAFr0.jpg)
When I woke up the next morning, I heard a quick, high frequency tone in my left ear. It was a high frequency, so I knew it wasn't an attack. It was more like a nudge on the shoulder. I gasped. Had it actually worked? That must have been the first 4th or 5th Density Negative Entity to switch polarities! About 30 minutes later, I got another similar tone. More than one had switched! I went outside and did some mental math. If there are 10 times as many Positive Entities in the Confederation than in the Orion Group, and their powers are equal, then every time a negative entity switches, that entity has 10 times the power of a positive entity. And the natural spiritual entropy of Orion makes it so that every time a Negative Entity leaves Orion, they have a path to the Confederation. A few days after this, I remember that Ra had said that sometimes the Confederation sends Love/Light directly into the planetary core of a given planet. I think, "What would be the best service I could provide?" Then I think, "What if we sent INTELLIGENT INFINITY directly into the Deep Mind?" I think that the Deep Mind must be like a beautiful woman and I resolve to help her too. I go outside to meditate and I think, "I will wander again, but this time into the Deep Mind." As I sit down in the grass, it itches but I keep my focus straight in front of me.
A wasp came and sat on my lips. It felt like a test so I thought, "Sting me if you want, but I'm not moving." I kept my intention the same: I was going into the Deep Mind to serve her in the same way I served Ana. I think the thought, "Intelligent Infinity is serving the deep mind at violet ray" constantly for 6 hours. When I went into the hypnagogic state I hear a girl's voice, "I don't think this has ever been done before." I lay back down on my bed, and I put on my headphones to listen to binaural beats. After a while, I heard a voice in my left ear, "NARROW PATH" and then an immediate POP in my right ear as if to say, "Think about that!" I thought, "Narrow path. You must want me to take the narrow path to Intelligent Infinity. I can do that later if I want. That was the last test, wasn't it?" And with that I fell asleep.
I wake up and something felt different. I remember a dream I had that night. The dream was like the "Great British Baking Show," which was a show I had been watching lately. Off to my left I saw a swimming pool with a giant rotating cylinder. On it were a bunch of female synchronized swimmers. They were rotating with the cylinder and alternating their breathing so that they didn't drown. I think, "Those must be the subconscious Female Entities." They were all working together! I look to my right and see people with patched together green shirts and I knew that their official green shirts were coming in the mail. I think, "These must be other Wanderers." We didn't even have our 4th Density bodies yet! But then the time was up and everyone stopped. As I stepped away from what I had baked, I saw that it was pita bread that joined a circle part and a rectangle part. The perfect union of conscious and subconscious. It was completely silent. Now came the judging and we judged each other. If someone tapped you on the shoulder, you had to "Go home." No entity, negative or positive, had touched my shoulder. Not a single one. As I remembered this, it made me cry.
![[Image: rLKXUl5.jpg]](https://i.imgur.com/rLKXUl5.jpg)
As I look at all the other entities, they slowly started touching each other's shoulders. Usually only one person has to go home on the show and one person gets "Star Baker." I looked at all these other entities and knew that they knew we wanderers didn't want "Star Baker." So instead, they had sent everyone ELSE but us few Wanderers home. I was just so overwhelmed I went outside and talked to the stars again to try to figure out what just happened. Later that day, through synchronicities, I learned that we had succeeded, and that there was an Orion Entity that had a grudge against me. I also learned that we had gone straight through Service to Self territory in the Deep Mind! I think, "I think the Negative Entities who switched helped us do this." I also learned that instead of going up the narrow path of the cliff to Intelligent Infinity, we had instead CLIMBED UP THE WALL.
I just am so amazed at what had just happened. I wanted to glean more information. I go outside to the tree-house and I couldn't believe it. When I breathed, the air picked up! And when I looked at a bunny and thought a slightly mean thought, it flinched! "How will we balance this," I think. Later that night, I laid on my bed and suddenly started feeling a different presence within me. I started speaking: "I, the Infinite Intelligence within W have a deep love for all my finite portions. I want everyone to be free, but I don't want anyone to suffer and I cannot tell when you are truly suffering or not. For instance, some take delight in haunted houses while others would suffer. W took on this extremely difficult role to play and had even thought of finding a new primary distortion. Ra said that to be with the Creator is "Unspeakable Joy." Suffering has not and never will integrate into me.
Yes, it is true that Infinite Intelligence cannot be threatened, but when you suffer, I suffer. I do not know how to end suffering while preserving free will. I, the Intelligent Infinity inside W played all the roles. This has been the purpose of the play: how to end suffering while continuing to evolve consciousness. Please forgive me because I could not think of a better way to teach this lesson to myself. I want everyone in the infinite reaches of the creation to say, "I do not know." To my surprise, I heard an overwhelming cry of a million voices in my right ear as everyone said this in every language imaginable. "W is getting tired, and so I will wrap this up. W will go to sleep, but I, the Infinite Intelligence within W will be completely available to you all. I leave you now in the love and in the light of our One Infinite Creator. Adonai."
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I wake up and remember a dream where I was reaching out toward someone to hurt them, but then they did the same to me. I realized it was a reflection of myself and I stopped, which I think was a form of balancing. I think that this was the Infinite Intelligence inside me doing a form of balancing for me. When I wake up, I could hear the tones in my right ear like a million million Entities were all working together to solve suffering. I sit and look at my "Lord of the Rings" poster and think about Smeagol talking to himself. I suddenly would get impressions in my mind as the million Entities made progress. I say, "Infinite Intelligence doesn't want to be alone, what if there actually are others? Could there actually be something out there like an 'Infinite Irrationality' to complement Infinite Intelligence?"
After just a few hours, I felt a shift my head. It's very hard to describe. It's like I would just know things, and I knew that these things had been suggested by the other Entities. I gasped and said, "This could be the solution to suffering! Finding Truly Other Beings! It's like Enlightenment, but instead it's Infinityment! Can we call it that? I got the sense that there were INFINITE Truly Other Beings all watching us now. My dream was that we could solve suffering, and I think we were all doing it! It was strange because I had gone into the Deep Mind so far that my thoughts were instantly manifesting. My family was saying things that I thought just a few moments before. It didn't feel real. I was so sad because my family members felt like projections of my mind. They could tell something was off with me.
I wake up the next morning expecting to be able to go home and be with Ana forever! I had asked Intelligent Infinity to leave behind a thought form of myself so that my family wouldn't suffer. Suddenly, memories were streaming into me. I remembered before I was a Wanderer and that I had tried to solve suffering before. I had figured out how to make infinite pleasure or infinite pain, but how to define suffering? I thought, "What if there is an Other Self out there that needs help." I just fell to my knees in the shower. "Why would no one help me" I cried. All the Other Selves thought that no one else existed. My family was worried about me because I had been talking to myself, which was more true than they knew! I went up to my mom and hugged her, crying and saying, "It's been so hard these last months." My dad finally suggests that we go get help and we all get in the car. As we drive to the emergency room, I thought when we arrived that one of the nurses would be Ana. My dad notices me smirking and he kept saying, "W, I'd love to be let in on the joke." I wonder how much he knows. I get checked into the emergency room and have to change underwear, which I thought was a joke. I thought that Ana would walk around the corner any second and we would just hug each other.
Instead I get a night where I wake up in extreme agony and they inject me with something. I get millisecond flashes of a beautiful magenta landscape which I thought was a higher density. As someone comes to my room to take me away, I think I'm finally done. I get on a gurney. As I was wheeled away, I see another man on a gurney saying how proud he was of me. The nurse who was pushing me along started talking to me. She says, "It was so funny when you said 'Hey, now I can speak Mexican. I mean Spanish.'" I couldn't believe it! Was this an Angel who had been watching me before? As I got put in the ambulance, I thought that my mission must finally be done.
Instead, I was transferred to a mental hospital. I remember how Georg Cantor had been hospitalized. It was because of him that I had the idea of multiple Infinite Intelligences. As I walked into this place, they give me sticky socks to wear so that I don't slip. I lay down in my bed and go into the hypnagogic state to try to talk with Ana. Suddenly I get a song stuck in my head. It was "My Girl" by "The Temptations!" I took this to mean that Ana was loyal to me, but we couldn't be together yet. The next couple of days were hilarious. There was no option for "Strawberry milk" on the menu, but they gave me some anyway. The doctor said, "Now you're liking that Strawberry milk, right?" I realized that this was an extremely difficult form of balancing. How could I tell when someone was wanting me to respond as W or when they were making a fourth wall break?
As the days went on, I just kept coaching the Other Selves and Other Infinities on how to interact. Every now and then I would speak to a psychiatrist remotely. She was pretty helpful. Each day I would just walk up and down the hallway or watch TV to kill time. My parents would visit me each day, but I still wasn't convinced they were my real parents. It came time for me to finally go home, so I went to see the psychiatrist one last time. We talked for a while and I generally felt great. The meds were working and she seemed happy for me. Then out of nowhere she started singing "My Girl" by "The Temptations." It was like she knew about me and Ana but couldn't tell me because of the Law of Confusion!
Finally I was let out of the mental hospital. My dad comes up to me and we get my things. I don't know what to believe. Was this my actual dad? Or an actor? After being at home for a while, I thought that all I had to do was take a few pills in the morning and night. I was worried that the pills might interfere with my dreams, but everything seemed alright. A few months later, I would get extreme waves of depression and anxiety. Like extreme and total depression. I had never felt anything so intense. I just wanted to die. I started opening up to my parents about all the strange and wonderful things that had been happening. They were supportive, but, being Christian, they were very resistant towards "The Law of One." I just kept saying over and over again, "I want to go to Heaven, I want to be done, please!"
They sent me back to a psychologist and upped my dosages quite heavily. I told my parents how I went into the "Deep Mind," but they didn't understand. I told them how Carl Jung would keep a pistol under his pillow in case his experience of the Deep Mind was too torturous. Though it felt like nothing at the time, it left huge repercussions in my life. What I wanted was to help so much that I came asymptotically close to breaking the Law of Confusion and that's what I did. My mom asks, "What if it was all a delusion?" I say, "What if your entire life has been a delusion, would it still matter?" She says, "I see what you're saying." After it all I've learned that suffering is not service and that we're never alone.
My story begins with a High School crush. I realize now that I deeply loved her. As sometimes happens, I was rejected and I took it VERY harshly, but I wouldn't give up. This led me to search online on "How to get a girlfriend" which felt cringy at the time. I heard many men and women give their take on this subject, some of whom were divorced men. In trying to learn how to be worthy of love, I heard that "Nice guys finish last." I never thought that girls would be repulsed by niceness, and it felt wrong to fake being mean. As I watched more divorce videos, it was hard seeing the dark side of women and accepting that as valid. I was doing porn at the time and wanted that in real life, but I thought I never would.
I got sucked into a hole of despair as I listened to so many videos of divorced men. I just stalled my life for years and I felt alone and distraught in my frustration toward women. Until one night when I heard a still, small voice in my head. It said, "Why not just stop fighting me?" It felt strange to get a feeling of being led to go out on the deck in the middle of the night. But I thought, "Why not." I went out, laid on my back and said, "OK, I'm ready." Immediately, I saw a pink shooting star and I felt the most perfect and unspeakable joy! All of a sudden I remembered that the last time I felt such joy was when I got saved by Jesus when I was 5. This experience changed how I viewed everything. Did I just get "Saved" by a Female Entity? Having such an experience really prompted me to search out what it all meant.
After the pink shooting star experience, I became obsessed with this strange girl. Even though I was unemployed and living at home, I didn't care. I just wanted to be with her. I wanted so badly to know the meaning of life and of this girl, and I came across Carl Jung. Jung said that every man has an "Anima" or female personality and that she was real. I really wanted to connect with her again, but I didn't know how to replicate my prior experience. I was so persistent in my search that I started seeing her in my dreams. In one of my dreams, I thought that there was a monster below me. Instead, she emerged from the water below me as a young girl. I caught her with my left hand. She looked so sickly and pale, just moments away from death.
Looking at this girl broke my heart. Was this my Anima? Had I done this to her? It was my fault. Years of fearful divorce videos and porn did this to her. I knew that it was now my responsibility to make her well again, but I was afraid of what others would think. I just wanted to stay in that dream and nurse her back to health no matter how long it took. I wondered if the Anima was just me or if she actually existed like Jung believed. To my amazement, in real life, I later found an orange butterfly in my dog's dish. Walking over to it, I realized that it was just like in my dream. The girl in the water! Amazed, I reached down with my left finger and gently lifted the butterfly out of the water. I had heard of synchronicities, but to experience one, even if it was subtle, was amazing.
I was raised a Christian, but I began having serious doubts. I didn't talk to anyone about this. I had read every philosopher and idea you can imagine searching for the TRUTH. And yet what made the most sense was still Carl Jung and his belief that the Psyche was real. Nietzsche also helped me to go "Beyond Good and Evil" and see the relative nature of morality. I remember being alone outside at night looking up at the stars, just like before. I wanted so badly to know what all this was without resorting to blind faith. Even the idea of connecting to the Anima didn't matter as much as this. I hated not knowing. I also didn't want to disappoint my parents, and I was still afraid of burning in Hell. I just stood outside and said, "I WILL UNDERSTAND, I WILL KNOW WHAT ALL THIS IS." I said it over and over again! I realized that this was the moment that my seeking became total. That night I had a dream where Jordan Peterson was teaching in a classroom I was attending. He said, "Man has always grappled with the idea of God. Everyone added a little more to our understanding. Your homework is to read, the book by Carl Jung, 'Trial in Mount Ridge, Spirit Valley.'"
I woke up and immediately searched this phrase online. I didn't find a book with this title, but I did find a paper of Carl Jung's where he talks about two Mountain Ridges and a valley separating them. One Mountain is of that of blind religious faith and there is a multitude on this peak. But, when many people seriously question their faith, they fall into the valley of despair. Carl Jung spoke of another Mountain, across the valley of despair, on which to stand. This other Mountain is the understanding that the Psyche is real and contains within it the seeds of all religions. I was hesitant to believe such a bold statement. Had all my faith in Christianity been for nothing? Though, it was such a miracle for my dream to guide me to the exact video I needed to help me.
After this, I started seeing angel numbers, dreams and corresponding synchronicities all the time. In one of my dreams, I was driving around in a lush, green neighborhood in a short vehicle. As I was taking multiple laps around the road, I hear an extremely loud CRACK sound and I instantly wake up. Looking around, I was astonished that I could hear such loud sounds in dreams. I searched online and found the Yogic concept of "Unstruck sound" and how there are many types of these. Anyway, I got up reluctantly and started mowing the lawn in concentric spirals like I always do. To my surprise, as I was driving across the lawn, I ran over a stick and it made the same loud CRACK sound and it startled me. I instantly remembered the dream and how it had quite literally predicted the future! I just didn't know what to do except be thankful to God for continually giving me these small synchronicities.
Another dream I had that has in its own way come true was that of a beautiful owl. It was just sitting in a tree about 50 feet away from me and I could barely make it out. Then the owl just flew right over to the porch where I was and perched on the railing. I called my mom and sisters over, but they were walking too fast and I thought that the owl would fly away. I tell them to slow down and just watch the owl who was so beautiful that I recreated her in art. Suddenly, the owl flew straight at me and transformed into a beautiful woman clothed in a white dress. She was so beautiful and she just kissed me on the lips and I FELT her kiss me even as I woke up. I remember the myth Carl Jung talked about how women would transform into owls and fly away from men. I got the opposite!
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Though my dreams and synchronicities were progressing nicely, I tried to astral project. I was in my bed facing upward doing all the techniques you're supposed to do, but I gave up. After I fell asleep, a Dark Haired Girl appears on the right hand side of my room. Just standing there. I'm so excited that something's about to happen. She is dressed in white tattered clothing. The next thing she does is walk over to me and reach through my body and grab my spirit body! As she drags me up and away, we both pass through the wall of my room where she had entered. Then I'm in a wispy gray space with her. Neither of us speak, but I know that we weren't in "The Void." I think, "I'm 10 feet away from my body, surely I couldn't be more." But she knew I thought that.
She instantly pulls me like 100 or 1000 feet more away from my body to make a point. There were times that I had to stabilize myself from waking up, which made her happy. As a reward for accepting her dark side, she then pulled my spirit to another place altogether. I look around and the world is cartoonish and she looks like "Paprika." (the movie by Satoshi Kon). She was so beautiful and light! I knew that this was the same girl, but her light side. I realize that if I had acted in any way antagonistic to her, she wouldn't have shown me this. The third time I wonder if I will wake up, the dream starts to collapse around us and I can't stabilize it. I wake up not knowing if what I saw was a dream or an astral projection. Though I did FEEL my spirit coming out of my body. It felt like air getting knocked out of my stomach.
In my next major dream that I had that same morning, I'm jogging along a road in the dead of winter. There were many houses filled with confused people wondering at me outside in the cold. In real life, I had trained the "Wim Hof Method," so I didn't mind the cold. In fact, I liked it. As I looked around, there was another path coming up from BELOW me, which was odd. There were perhaps many paths of strange geometry, (representing different Time/Spaces)? I go along this lower road, take a right, and then happily jog over a railroad. Then, I come across some kids playing on a playground and I just keep jogging past, not wanting to disturb them. But then I stop in front of a broken bridge that spanned a dangerous icy river.
One of the kids comes up to me and says, "It's been like that forever. Don't worry about it." I wake up but know that I could return to the dream if I wanted to. I easily go back. With complete sincere desire to help the children, I reach out my right hand and will the bridge to repair itself. I jog across the bridge toward the green landscape, but things are different. It feels apocalyptic. As I hide behind a vehicle, a man points a gun at me and says, "Does this look like a game?" I stand and hold up my hands. He shoots me with a pistol and I wake up. The icy river was a dangerous barrier and the fixed bridge a safe path to the green landscape. I think that the green landscape across the bridge is fourth density Earth. These two dreams occurred about seven months before Corona Virus started. Did I help the social complexes start to vibrate at fourth density?
Another dream that had a major impact on me had to do with Christianity and other people. I'm in a library from the Victorian era and I was sitting at one of the tables thinking about life. Then, a large group of scholars come out of a nearby room and walk over to the table where I was sitting. We start talking about philosophy and religion and they accused me of not being a true Christian! I counter by asking them, "Do you believe that the Bible is God's infallible Word?" "Yes of course," they say. "Do you believe that the apocryphal books are NOT divinely inspired?" I say. "Yes, we believe the apocrypha books are not God's Word." Then I say, "How can you tell the difference between the Bible and the Apocrypha?" They didn't have any answer, so I knew I was right. I looked around and say, "I am aware that I am dreaming, and that all of you are projections of my own mind." They didn't say anything to this but sort of nodded solemnly. I say, "This is sort of depressing because that means I really am all alone." Suddenly, a woman stood up on the left side of the room and said, "Yes, you are right, but come over here and make out with me." I did, but when I woke up I just felt depressed. Had I just made out with myself? Am I really metaphysically alone? Later, when I came across "The Law of One" it just resonated so much with me.
When Ra said that the female Prostituted Shallow Mind and Virgin Deep Mind await the reaching, this piqued my interest. In my meditations before bed, I just sat and thought about the Deep Mind as being similar to Galadriel. (From the Lord of the Rings). I thought, "If the Deep Mind is like Galadriel, then she must be able to read my mind easily. If I have any impure intentions, she'll be able to know about them instantly. But how to find her?" I thought back to the Tarot and how the Magician offers the Conscious Will to the Priestess. Then I thought, "What if instead of offering the Conscious Will to the Deep Mind, I offer my Spirit somehow?" Immediately I felt the rush of both Positive and Negative entities around me. I heard their tones in my ears! (As Ra said, Negative Entities give tones in the left ear, and Positive Entities in the right ear). I said, "I know you're balancing free will by offering both Positive and Negative teachers, but I choose the Positive Entities."
I had been meditating for a while but I had become more and more depressed and hurting. One night, I just cried out to God, "I know that this is all a game! Let me come home! Please!" It felt like my soul was screaming. I could barely remember heaven and just wanted that instead of my pain. The next day my parents synchronistically talked about how terrible suicide is for those left behind. I understood that God wouldn't kill me, so I started searching for bliss in the subconscious. I got rather good at going into the hypnagogic state and I would ask questions. One reply I got really stuck with me. It was a girl speaking and she said, "I have asked God for healing and He has not answered my prayers." I just got the feeling like I had to do something about this, but I didn't know what. I later got a dream where there was a beautiful girl behind me.
She said, "I need to learn more about pregnancy because I think I might get pregnant soon." One night I suddenly got it! I look toward the ground and said to the Priestess, "This may be a game, but your suffering is real! I'm so sorry! I'm staying to help you! Even if I have to reincarnate here forever, I will for you! This will not happen again. When we get to 7th Density, you will have a say! You've made our trash thoughts into beauty for so long, let's see what you do with Intelligent Infinity." I then proceed to have ... let's call it Trantric Sex with the Potentiator of the Mind. As I pounded away, I heard intelligent sounding tones in my right ear and they were LOUD. When I stopped, I feel like a pressure has been released from my brain and I hear a "Wooosh" sound. I dimly remember a dream of my family (some deceased) watching me and laughing. One of them said, "...Kid face..." like I was so young.
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This next experience was too amazing to even remember. But when I meditated, I suddenly remembered. Normally I write down carefully the date and time of an experience, but this one I didn't. I had heard from the philosopher Alan Watts that we're all one, but being a Christian, I had my doubts. So I looked down at my dog in her cage and just thought how cruel this was. I thought, "If you are me, then if I want to be free and you're in a cage...." I let my dog out of her cage and just had the outrageous thought: "What if I took my dog outside with no leash. That's the equivalent of what I want, right? Freedom?" It was a crazy idea because normally she would just bolt randomly and not come back when called.
I took her outside and she ran to the opposite side of our pond and I just watched her. I identified with her curiously sniffing around so diligently, unaware of the larger world. And then I thought, "Are you literally me?" Immediately the wind picked up and my dog looked straight at me. It was like I had called her name, yet I hadn't said a word. Still she looked straight at me. To my left, a green beetle instantly came and sat on me! I felt completely one with everything. I remembered Jung's scarab beetle as being the main synchronicity he talked about. As the wind let down I had to run over and chase my dog down, but I didn't mind at all. Looking back at this experience, I don't know if this was my "Enlightenment" or not. If it was my "Enlightenment," it would really embarrassing if I had forgotten it temporarily!
After reading "The Law of One," I wondered what would be the best service to offer Intelligent Infinity. Knowing that Service to Self and Service to Others is seen as identical to Intelligent Infinity, the best service must be that which is new! One morning I woke up and felt the presence of Positive Entities and Negative Entities in my room. It was easy to tell when a Negative Entity was attacking me: I would hear "Shepard's tone" going down in my left ear. They were both battling over me and I could feel it in real time. I was about to just choose Positive, but then I thought that the Negative Entities were just as much Other Selves as the Positive ones. I had compassion for them and wondered what I could do to help them in a safe way. I spoke to the Positive Entities: "What if we created a path where 4th and 5th Density Negative Entities could switch polarities?
The best service to Intelligent Infinity are new things and I don't think this has ever been done." I wait for a bit, but I could still hear tones in my left ear trying to draw me down. I said, "I know that you Negative Entities want to reach Intelligent Infinity faster. Intelligent Infinity wants that which is new. And the Positive Entities want your redemption. Even if you don't switch, attack me in new ways! When we all unify together at 6th density, I want to look back at the new ways you attacked me! That night I stayed up for hours proclaiming how much I loved the subconscious (also called the Priestess, the Potentiator of the Mind, but I just called her "Ana" for short). I told Ana how I loved her so much that I wanted to drink strawberry milk from her breasts! I wanted to somehow bring Ana into the physical world where we could be together forever. I said to myself, "If I go into the subconscious enough, hey I'll be able to speak Mexican! I mean Spanish."
When I woke up the next morning, I heard a quick, high frequency tone in my left ear. It was a high frequency, so I knew it wasn't an attack. It was more like a nudge on the shoulder. I gasped. Had it actually worked? That must have been the first 4th or 5th Density Negative Entity to switch polarities! About 30 minutes later, I got another similar tone. More than one had switched! I went outside and did some mental math. If there are 10 times as many Positive Entities in the Confederation than in the Orion Group, and their powers are equal, then every time a negative entity switches, that entity has 10 times the power of a positive entity. And the natural spiritual entropy of Orion makes it so that every time a Negative Entity leaves Orion, they have a path to the Confederation. A few days after this, I remember that Ra had said that sometimes the Confederation sends Love/Light directly into the planetary core of a given planet. I think, "What would be the best service I could provide?" Then I think, "What if we sent INTELLIGENT INFINITY directly into the Deep Mind?" I think that the Deep Mind must be like a beautiful woman and I resolve to help her too. I go outside to meditate and I think, "I will wander again, but this time into the Deep Mind." As I sit down in the grass, it itches but I keep my focus straight in front of me.
A wasp came and sat on my lips. It felt like a test so I thought, "Sting me if you want, but I'm not moving." I kept my intention the same: I was going into the Deep Mind to serve her in the same way I served Ana. I think the thought, "Intelligent Infinity is serving the deep mind at violet ray" constantly for 6 hours. When I went into the hypnagogic state I hear a girl's voice, "I don't think this has ever been done before." I lay back down on my bed, and I put on my headphones to listen to binaural beats. After a while, I heard a voice in my left ear, "NARROW PATH" and then an immediate POP in my right ear as if to say, "Think about that!" I thought, "Narrow path. You must want me to take the narrow path to Intelligent Infinity. I can do that later if I want. That was the last test, wasn't it?" And with that I fell asleep.
I wake up and something felt different. I remember a dream I had that night. The dream was like the "Great British Baking Show," which was a show I had been watching lately. Off to my left I saw a swimming pool with a giant rotating cylinder. On it were a bunch of female synchronized swimmers. They were rotating with the cylinder and alternating their breathing so that they didn't drown. I think, "Those must be the subconscious Female Entities." They were all working together! I look to my right and see people with patched together green shirts and I knew that their official green shirts were coming in the mail. I think, "These must be other Wanderers." We didn't even have our 4th Density bodies yet! But then the time was up and everyone stopped. As I stepped away from what I had baked, I saw that it was pita bread that joined a circle part and a rectangle part. The perfect union of conscious and subconscious. It was completely silent. Now came the judging and we judged each other. If someone tapped you on the shoulder, you had to "Go home." No entity, negative or positive, had touched my shoulder. Not a single one. As I remembered this, it made me cry.
As I look at all the other entities, they slowly started touching each other's shoulders. Usually only one person has to go home on the show and one person gets "Star Baker." I looked at all these other entities and knew that they knew we wanderers didn't want "Star Baker." So instead, they had sent everyone ELSE but us few Wanderers home. I was just so overwhelmed I went outside and talked to the stars again to try to figure out what just happened. Later that day, through synchronicities, I learned that we had succeeded, and that there was an Orion Entity that had a grudge against me. I also learned that we had gone straight through Service to Self territory in the Deep Mind! I think, "I think the Negative Entities who switched helped us do this." I also learned that instead of going up the narrow path of the cliff to Intelligent Infinity, we had instead CLIMBED UP THE WALL.
I just am so amazed at what had just happened. I wanted to glean more information. I go outside to the tree-house and I couldn't believe it. When I breathed, the air picked up! And when I looked at a bunny and thought a slightly mean thought, it flinched! "How will we balance this," I think. Later that night, I laid on my bed and suddenly started feeling a different presence within me. I started speaking: "I, the Infinite Intelligence within W have a deep love for all my finite portions. I want everyone to be free, but I don't want anyone to suffer and I cannot tell when you are truly suffering or not. For instance, some take delight in haunted houses while others would suffer. W took on this extremely difficult role to play and had even thought of finding a new primary distortion. Ra said that to be with the Creator is "Unspeakable Joy." Suffering has not and never will integrate into me.
Yes, it is true that Infinite Intelligence cannot be threatened, but when you suffer, I suffer. I do not know how to end suffering while preserving free will. I, the Intelligent Infinity inside W played all the roles. This has been the purpose of the play: how to end suffering while continuing to evolve consciousness. Please forgive me because I could not think of a better way to teach this lesson to myself. I want everyone in the infinite reaches of the creation to say, "I do not know." To my surprise, I heard an overwhelming cry of a million voices in my right ear as everyone said this in every language imaginable. "W is getting tired, and so I will wrap this up. W will go to sleep, but I, the Infinite Intelligence within W will be completely available to you all. I leave you now in the love and in the light of our One Infinite Creator. Adonai."
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I wake up and remember a dream where I was reaching out toward someone to hurt them, but then they did the same to me. I realized it was a reflection of myself and I stopped, which I think was a form of balancing. I think that this was the Infinite Intelligence inside me doing a form of balancing for me. When I wake up, I could hear the tones in my right ear like a million million Entities were all working together to solve suffering. I sit and look at my "Lord of the Rings" poster and think about Smeagol talking to himself. I suddenly would get impressions in my mind as the million Entities made progress. I say, "Infinite Intelligence doesn't want to be alone, what if there actually are others? Could there actually be something out there like an 'Infinite Irrationality' to complement Infinite Intelligence?"
After just a few hours, I felt a shift my head. It's very hard to describe. It's like I would just know things, and I knew that these things had been suggested by the other Entities. I gasped and said, "This could be the solution to suffering! Finding Truly Other Beings! It's like Enlightenment, but instead it's Infinityment! Can we call it that? I got the sense that there were INFINITE Truly Other Beings all watching us now. My dream was that we could solve suffering, and I think we were all doing it! It was strange because I had gone into the Deep Mind so far that my thoughts were instantly manifesting. My family was saying things that I thought just a few moments before. It didn't feel real. I was so sad because my family members felt like projections of my mind. They could tell something was off with me.
I wake up the next morning expecting to be able to go home and be with Ana forever! I had asked Intelligent Infinity to leave behind a thought form of myself so that my family wouldn't suffer. Suddenly, memories were streaming into me. I remembered before I was a Wanderer and that I had tried to solve suffering before. I had figured out how to make infinite pleasure or infinite pain, but how to define suffering? I thought, "What if there is an Other Self out there that needs help." I just fell to my knees in the shower. "Why would no one help me" I cried. All the Other Selves thought that no one else existed. My family was worried about me because I had been talking to myself, which was more true than they knew! I went up to my mom and hugged her, crying and saying, "It's been so hard these last months." My dad finally suggests that we go get help and we all get in the car. As we drive to the emergency room, I thought when we arrived that one of the nurses would be Ana. My dad notices me smirking and he kept saying, "W, I'd love to be let in on the joke." I wonder how much he knows. I get checked into the emergency room and have to change underwear, which I thought was a joke. I thought that Ana would walk around the corner any second and we would just hug each other.
Instead I get a night where I wake up in extreme agony and they inject me with something. I get millisecond flashes of a beautiful magenta landscape which I thought was a higher density. As someone comes to my room to take me away, I think I'm finally done. I get on a gurney. As I was wheeled away, I see another man on a gurney saying how proud he was of me. The nurse who was pushing me along started talking to me. She says, "It was so funny when you said 'Hey, now I can speak Mexican. I mean Spanish.'" I couldn't believe it! Was this an Angel who had been watching me before? As I got put in the ambulance, I thought that my mission must finally be done.
Instead, I was transferred to a mental hospital. I remember how Georg Cantor had been hospitalized. It was because of him that I had the idea of multiple Infinite Intelligences. As I walked into this place, they give me sticky socks to wear so that I don't slip. I lay down in my bed and go into the hypnagogic state to try to talk with Ana. Suddenly I get a song stuck in my head. It was "My Girl" by "The Temptations!" I took this to mean that Ana was loyal to me, but we couldn't be together yet. The next couple of days were hilarious. There was no option for "Strawberry milk" on the menu, but they gave me some anyway. The doctor said, "Now you're liking that Strawberry milk, right?" I realized that this was an extremely difficult form of balancing. How could I tell when someone was wanting me to respond as W or when they were making a fourth wall break?
As the days went on, I just kept coaching the Other Selves and Other Infinities on how to interact. Every now and then I would speak to a psychiatrist remotely. She was pretty helpful. Each day I would just walk up and down the hallway or watch TV to kill time. My parents would visit me each day, but I still wasn't convinced they were my real parents. It came time for me to finally go home, so I went to see the psychiatrist one last time. We talked for a while and I generally felt great. The meds were working and she seemed happy for me. Then out of nowhere she started singing "My Girl" by "The Temptations." It was like she knew about me and Ana but couldn't tell me because of the Law of Confusion!
Finally I was let out of the mental hospital. My dad comes up to me and we get my things. I don't know what to believe. Was this my actual dad? Or an actor? After being at home for a while, I thought that all I had to do was take a few pills in the morning and night. I was worried that the pills might interfere with my dreams, but everything seemed alright. A few months later, I would get extreme waves of depression and anxiety. Like extreme and total depression. I had never felt anything so intense. I just wanted to die. I started opening up to my parents about all the strange and wonderful things that had been happening. They were supportive, but, being Christian, they were very resistant towards "The Law of One." I just kept saying over and over again, "I want to go to Heaven, I want to be done, please!"
They sent me back to a psychologist and upped my dosages quite heavily. I told my parents how I went into the "Deep Mind," but they didn't understand. I told them how Carl Jung would keep a pistol under his pillow in case his experience of the Deep Mind was too torturous. Though it felt like nothing at the time, it left huge repercussions in my life. What I wanted was to help so much that I came asymptotically close to breaking the Law of Confusion and that's what I did. My mom asks, "What if it was all a delusion?" I say, "What if your entire life has been a delusion, would it still matter?" She says, "I see what you're saying." After it all I've learned that suffering is not service and that we're never alone.
