02-23-2011, 06:37 PM
Some people wake up and pop right outta bed. Others hit the snooze...again and again. I think my story is like waking up, hitting the snooze, turning off the alarm, stumbling into the kitchen, blinking in the light, having a snack, turning on the coffee, crawling back under the covers...well, you get the idea.
A little background: I'm a 34 year old female, no marriages, no children. I grew up in a strict religious household, and true to stereo-type, at 18, I became the "preacher's daughter". Undoubtedly, events in the first 25 years contributed to the awakening, but the crisis/catalyst of most influence, I think, has been during the last 9. Let's "speed" up (a pun you'll soon see) to 25...
And we drop into my life at the beginning of my experience using crystal meth. Healthy, making money at my day job, making more and having a great time at my weekend bar job. Life and love were a grand party...
"Dopamine is the brain chemical that allows us to feel pleasure. Meth unnaturally raises dopamine levels to more than 10 times the amount caused by life's normal pleasures, including eating and having sex. In stimulating this dopamine release, Meth creates an intense rush of pleasure. This powerful rewarding effect is a major part of the biology of Meth addiction." Source: The National Institute on Drug Abuse
This is a detail I learned AFTER I left meth behind. During the time I used meth, I only knew that I was quicker, smarter, could go longer, and blessedly, stayed fashionably thin. Well, initially. It took about 3 years of weekend use before meth began to creep into the weekdays. Things went downhill from there, not that I was paying attention. The high is what you might expect from "speed", everything seems to go full force, incessantly. However, this results in a weird skew of time...you're not sleeping, you lose track of days, the week is gone, I've been so busy, but what did I accomplish? Details become fascinating, obsessing, and hours slip away while you rearrange every item in the kitchen or meticulously scrub the bathroom or learn every tedious detail of some topic that popped into your head in the middle of the nite as you stare owl-eyed into space because you cannot sleep. Grant you, I learned a lot of neat stuff. I accomplished a lot of real work. But the physical vehicle can run on jet-fuel only so long. I took vitamins too, but alcohol and candy is not the best source of nutrition. Hah! Not to mention the toxic build-up of whatever the hell composes meth.
Did I sleep? Sure sometimes. You crash. You sleep 18-26 hours. The lag-drag of waking seems beyond your capability. Ingest meth. Start again.
At some point I realized I had turned over the reins of my decision making. I had a habit, and I followed it daily. Here's where it gets interesting. We know that without sleep, without dream time, the spirit fares badly. When I did dream, nightmares reigned, so I did my best to avoid sleep. Well, that's silly, I know, but I did it. Then I started having a lot of negative thoughts. As one might expect, I was in a bad relationship at the time, with someone else who had a meth habit. That negativity began drawing in more negativity. Now, I didn't truly understand all that was occurring as it happened. This is my review. This is how I've come to see the events that transpired. At the time, I thought I might be going crazy. And yet I couldn't turn away. When the hallucinations began, and the voices never shut up, some part of me would say, "You know this is the drugs, right?" And another part would say, "Yes, but where does it lead? How crazy does it get? Isn't some of this REAL?"
Yes, I believe some of it was real. I've come to the conclusion that the negativity and toxicity altered my vibration to the point of drawing some very nasty negative entities my way. With any drug, certainly with sleep and food deprivation, the mind enters an altered state. The veil thins. You hear and see what others do not. Well, real...hmmm, that's a word for debate in its own right. Whether one sees angels or demons depends on one's thoughts and frequency, IMO.
One night, after no sleep for maybe three days, I had the darkest night of my life. Every person I ever remembered hurting, or deceiving, or to whom I had said something mean, visited my mind. In each one of their voices, I was judged, condemned, taunted, and abandoned. The feeling of unworthiness suffocated me. Our home had many guns, and I considered slipping this life in that way. Another voice threatened me, that of my older sister, who in no uncertain terms made it clear she would whip my ass in the next life if I dared to wuss out and leave her in this one. And her voice continued to berate me, to remind me of my responsibilities and promises, until the first light of dawn, when I crawled from the bed, and called her to come to get me.
She and her boyfriend came to my house, and I confessed to the drug use. I apologized for allowing this to get in the way of our shared secular work. I asked for help, mostly in the form of patience while I straightened myself out. I withheld a lot of the gritty aspects of what I'd been experiencing. I think she knew a little, but my logic was still intact enough to know how Insane I would sound if she knew the full extent. At this point in the story, let me introduce her boyfriend. Super-genius, very psychic, I'd always known him as someone not like others. Now I've no doubt he's a wanderer. He's always been very adamant about an individual's right to choose. My sister would have put me into rehab. I said no. In my heart, I knew something would be irreparably damaged if I did not fix this myself. Thankfully, his understanding of free will allowed me that opportunity.
Let me tell you now that I did not reverse everything in a moment. Or even a year. That first weekend, my sister loaned me a book, just a fantasy novel, perhaps you've heard of the Blood Jewels Trilogy by Anne Bishop. At one point in the story, one of the major characters falls into the "Twisted Kingdom", he goes insane. When he finally begins the ascent to return to sanity, he can only go ever so far at a time. (Now, I think of the steps of light that Q'uo has described.) And that's what I did. I walked upward out of the darkness a little bit at a time. I slipped. I fell back down. I got sidetracked. At some point, I realized that it had taken 3-4 years to get to the bottom, and a couple more rolling around in the muck, so I allowed myself time to crawl up again, to ensure that the lesson was learned, and left behind.
Maybe six weeks later, I looked out the window, into the neighbor's pasture, and saw the most adorable pony looking my way. The story of Pony&me is its own, but I mention him because I never doubted he was "sent" to me. He had his own illness, and was left by my neighbors in the field alone. Helping in his healing was instrumental in my own, and it was my first great act of service, albeit to an entity in a 2nd density body. The pony would get better and then worse, even as I followed by own cycle of the same. Yet, in watching him, I understood what is meant by being present, by addressing TODAY as it is. By his side, I could find the silence that meth robbed from me. And to this day, time spent with him is like a reboot, and a communion with the One and with all.
Eventually, I left the relationship, and began living with my sister and her boyfriend. On one hand this was necessary and good and on the other, it was a major setback. I had spent years fairly isolated, living in a wacky relationship, but mostly spending time by myself. My communication sucked, to be gentle. I began using again to "help me deal with the stress" - HAHAHAH! Oh silly and stupid, but again, true. Not using a lot, just regularly. But I was fairly traumatized from the exit of the relationship, which had turned abusive and dangerous once I began cleaning up and he stayed jacked up. I knew better, at that point, how to operate on drugs than off, so that's what I did. I was sleeping then, about 5 hrs a day, and eating regularly, working, etc. I kept praying, and I kept coming across these books at the store that seemed to virtually jump from the shelves into my hands. And so I read.
And the reading and talking about stories with my sister and her boyfriend is the thread that finally became the rope with which I hoisted myself over the rail. He has great interest in the Edgar Cayce readings, and we had discussions about Atlantis. And one day at the book store, I picked up an Edgar Cayce Atlantis book. The readings revolved around the conflict between the Sons of Belial and the Sons of the Law of One. You see the light at the end of my tunnel now too, do you not? I decided to Google the "Sons of the Law of One" and landed right on the Ra homepage.
From the first day I began reading the Ra Material, I felt the resonance to my core. I didn't read in session order, I just clicked and clicked. Now I realize my guidance was hard at work, as each reading seemed to offer exactly what I needed that day. (LOO 8.1: Each entity will receive the opportunity that each needs.) After reading about the tarot and the archetypical mind, I remember borrowing my sister's tarot deck, and pulling out the 22 major arcana. I shuffled and prayed and shuffled and prayed. The reading I dealt for myself was nothing unexpected, but it was definite and obvious, as far as that is possible. The cards said that so long as I stayed tied the physical experience, I would block catalyst for my mind and its transformation. That isn't a Sherlock revelation, I know, but it was a clear message that I needed. Recently, someone asked me what finally motivated me to stop using meth completely, and I answered, "I realized my spiritual evolution was inhibited. And I could not be of service in that state." As Ra said, "Nothing shall be overcome. That which is not needed falls away. (LOO 18.5)"
I could write on and on about my experience, how the synchronicities never fail to blow me away, how my heart has filled with gratitude, my mind with wonder, my spirit with light. But what comes to my mind now is the first part of the LOO 18.5 reply from Ra: "The proper role of the entity is in this density to experience all things desired, to then analyze, understand, and accept these experiences, distilling from them the love/light within them." Since I began this with my "desire" to experience meth, please allow me to share with you a couple points of love/light I gleaned from those years.
1) This may not be a point of love/light, but it is key to the danger of meth to your spirit: you lose the silence. The door to the tabernacle is wide open, and your sacred, silent space is overrun. Thoughts, voices, vibrations invade. Months passed before my mind/body/spirit complex was finally cleaned of the meth residue, and I remembered the joy of silence. One of the most helpful passages in my healing was from a session with Q'uo, 10/17/2009:
2) I can honestly say that I lived in the slums of my heart. I've walked the dirty alley ways, stepped in the sludge of negativity, trembled in fear, and petted the ghouls. And in my own way, I did not run away and deny what I saw. I gained a compassion I never had before. I no longer look at the criminal, the degenerate, and say, "Never me." Instead, I wonder what events transpired to bring an individual to that point. And then I try, with sincerity, to bring love to the moment.
3) It takes as long as it takes. If you are fighting an addiction or watching someone who is, be patient. When SELF decides it is enough, then it is enough. I personally would not have accepted an organized rehabilitation program. That was not my path. My friend, and former dealer, has now completed such a program, and continues to attend meetings, etc. For him, it was exactly the right remedy. Addiction is an experience, and like all experience, it is unique to the individual. Again, LOO 18:5: "It is, shall we say, a shortcut to simply ignore or overcome any desire. It must instead be understood and accepted. This takes patience and experience which can be analyzed with care, with compassion for self and for other-self."
I offer my thanks to all of L/L Research, to Q'uo, including Ra, for their service. I know in one session, I think Don was wondering about getting this information out there, so that it was available to those who need it. Well, I found it. At exactly the moment when I was ready to receive it. And I thank all you readers, brothers and sisters in the light, for being witness to the story (reader's digest version!).
In the United States, meth addiction is a rampant force of destruction. My sister says I am an anomaly, and the statistics tend to support her view. Yet, to me, the amazing part is not that I dropped an addiction, but HOW I dropped it, that I climbed from utter darkness into the shining light, following a trail of Ra-crumbs...
Please, comment or query as you will.
A little background: I'm a 34 year old female, no marriages, no children. I grew up in a strict religious household, and true to stereo-type, at 18, I became the "preacher's daughter". Undoubtedly, events in the first 25 years contributed to the awakening, but the crisis/catalyst of most influence, I think, has been during the last 9. Let's "speed" up (a pun you'll soon see) to 25...
And we drop into my life at the beginning of my experience using crystal meth. Healthy, making money at my day job, making more and having a great time at my weekend bar job. Life and love were a grand party...
"Dopamine is the brain chemical that allows us to feel pleasure. Meth unnaturally raises dopamine levels to more than 10 times the amount caused by life's normal pleasures, including eating and having sex. In stimulating this dopamine release, Meth creates an intense rush of pleasure. This powerful rewarding effect is a major part of the biology of Meth addiction." Source: The National Institute on Drug Abuse
This is a detail I learned AFTER I left meth behind. During the time I used meth, I only knew that I was quicker, smarter, could go longer, and blessedly, stayed fashionably thin. Well, initially. It took about 3 years of weekend use before meth began to creep into the weekdays. Things went downhill from there, not that I was paying attention. The high is what you might expect from "speed", everything seems to go full force, incessantly. However, this results in a weird skew of time...you're not sleeping, you lose track of days, the week is gone, I've been so busy, but what did I accomplish? Details become fascinating, obsessing, and hours slip away while you rearrange every item in the kitchen or meticulously scrub the bathroom or learn every tedious detail of some topic that popped into your head in the middle of the nite as you stare owl-eyed into space because you cannot sleep. Grant you, I learned a lot of neat stuff. I accomplished a lot of real work. But the physical vehicle can run on jet-fuel only so long. I took vitamins too, but alcohol and candy is not the best source of nutrition. Hah! Not to mention the toxic build-up of whatever the hell composes meth.
Did I sleep? Sure sometimes. You crash. You sleep 18-26 hours. The lag-drag of waking seems beyond your capability. Ingest meth. Start again.
At some point I realized I had turned over the reins of my decision making. I had a habit, and I followed it daily. Here's where it gets interesting. We know that without sleep, without dream time, the spirit fares badly. When I did dream, nightmares reigned, so I did my best to avoid sleep. Well, that's silly, I know, but I did it. Then I started having a lot of negative thoughts. As one might expect, I was in a bad relationship at the time, with someone else who had a meth habit. That negativity began drawing in more negativity. Now, I didn't truly understand all that was occurring as it happened. This is my review. This is how I've come to see the events that transpired. At the time, I thought I might be going crazy. And yet I couldn't turn away. When the hallucinations began, and the voices never shut up, some part of me would say, "You know this is the drugs, right?" And another part would say, "Yes, but where does it lead? How crazy does it get? Isn't some of this REAL?"
Yes, I believe some of it was real. I've come to the conclusion that the negativity and toxicity altered my vibration to the point of drawing some very nasty negative entities my way. With any drug, certainly with sleep and food deprivation, the mind enters an altered state. The veil thins. You hear and see what others do not. Well, real...hmmm, that's a word for debate in its own right. Whether one sees angels or demons depends on one's thoughts and frequency, IMO.
One night, after no sleep for maybe three days, I had the darkest night of my life. Every person I ever remembered hurting, or deceiving, or to whom I had said something mean, visited my mind. In each one of their voices, I was judged, condemned, taunted, and abandoned. The feeling of unworthiness suffocated me. Our home had many guns, and I considered slipping this life in that way. Another voice threatened me, that of my older sister, who in no uncertain terms made it clear she would whip my ass in the next life if I dared to wuss out and leave her in this one. And her voice continued to berate me, to remind me of my responsibilities and promises, until the first light of dawn, when I crawled from the bed, and called her to come to get me.
She and her boyfriend came to my house, and I confessed to the drug use. I apologized for allowing this to get in the way of our shared secular work. I asked for help, mostly in the form of patience while I straightened myself out. I withheld a lot of the gritty aspects of what I'd been experiencing. I think she knew a little, but my logic was still intact enough to know how Insane I would sound if she knew the full extent. At this point in the story, let me introduce her boyfriend. Super-genius, very psychic, I'd always known him as someone not like others. Now I've no doubt he's a wanderer. He's always been very adamant about an individual's right to choose. My sister would have put me into rehab. I said no. In my heart, I knew something would be irreparably damaged if I did not fix this myself. Thankfully, his understanding of free will allowed me that opportunity.
Let me tell you now that I did not reverse everything in a moment. Or even a year. That first weekend, my sister loaned me a book, just a fantasy novel, perhaps you've heard of the Blood Jewels Trilogy by Anne Bishop. At one point in the story, one of the major characters falls into the "Twisted Kingdom", he goes insane. When he finally begins the ascent to return to sanity, he can only go ever so far at a time. (Now, I think of the steps of light that Q'uo has described.) And that's what I did. I walked upward out of the darkness a little bit at a time. I slipped. I fell back down. I got sidetracked. At some point, I realized that it had taken 3-4 years to get to the bottom, and a couple more rolling around in the muck, so I allowed myself time to crawl up again, to ensure that the lesson was learned, and left behind.
Maybe six weeks later, I looked out the window, into the neighbor's pasture, and saw the most adorable pony looking my way. The story of Pony&me is its own, but I mention him because I never doubted he was "sent" to me. He had his own illness, and was left by my neighbors in the field alone. Helping in his healing was instrumental in my own, and it was my first great act of service, albeit to an entity in a 2nd density body. The pony would get better and then worse, even as I followed by own cycle of the same. Yet, in watching him, I understood what is meant by being present, by addressing TODAY as it is. By his side, I could find the silence that meth robbed from me. And to this day, time spent with him is like a reboot, and a communion with the One and with all.
Eventually, I left the relationship, and began living with my sister and her boyfriend. On one hand this was necessary and good and on the other, it was a major setback. I had spent years fairly isolated, living in a wacky relationship, but mostly spending time by myself. My communication sucked, to be gentle. I began using again to "help me deal with the stress" - HAHAHAH! Oh silly and stupid, but again, true. Not using a lot, just regularly. But I was fairly traumatized from the exit of the relationship, which had turned abusive and dangerous once I began cleaning up and he stayed jacked up. I knew better, at that point, how to operate on drugs than off, so that's what I did. I was sleeping then, about 5 hrs a day, and eating regularly, working, etc. I kept praying, and I kept coming across these books at the store that seemed to virtually jump from the shelves into my hands. And so I read.
And the reading and talking about stories with my sister and her boyfriend is the thread that finally became the rope with which I hoisted myself over the rail. He has great interest in the Edgar Cayce readings, and we had discussions about Atlantis. And one day at the book store, I picked up an Edgar Cayce Atlantis book. The readings revolved around the conflict between the Sons of Belial and the Sons of the Law of One. You see the light at the end of my tunnel now too, do you not? I decided to Google the "Sons of the Law of One" and landed right on the Ra homepage.
From the first day I began reading the Ra Material, I felt the resonance to my core. I didn't read in session order, I just clicked and clicked. Now I realize my guidance was hard at work, as each reading seemed to offer exactly what I needed that day. (LOO 8.1: Each entity will receive the opportunity that each needs.) After reading about the tarot and the archetypical mind, I remember borrowing my sister's tarot deck, and pulling out the 22 major arcana. I shuffled and prayed and shuffled and prayed. The reading I dealt for myself was nothing unexpected, but it was definite and obvious, as far as that is possible. The cards said that so long as I stayed tied the physical experience, I would block catalyst for my mind and its transformation. That isn't a Sherlock revelation, I know, but it was a clear message that I needed. Recently, someone asked me what finally motivated me to stop using meth completely, and I answered, "I realized my spiritual evolution was inhibited. And I could not be of service in that state." As Ra said, "Nothing shall be overcome. That which is not needed falls away. (LOO 18.5)"
I could write on and on about my experience, how the synchronicities never fail to blow me away, how my heart has filled with gratitude, my mind with wonder, my spirit with light. But what comes to my mind now is the first part of the LOO 18.5 reply from Ra: "The proper role of the entity is in this density to experience all things desired, to then analyze, understand, and accept these experiences, distilling from them the love/light within them." Since I began this with my "desire" to experience meth, please allow me to share with you a couple points of love/light I gleaned from those years.
1) This may not be a point of love/light, but it is key to the danger of meth to your spirit: you lose the silence. The door to the tabernacle is wide open, and your sacred, silent space is overrun. Thoughts, voices, vibrations invade. Months passed before my mind/body/spirit complex was finally cleaned of the meth residue, and I remembered the joy of silence. One of the most helpful passages in my healing was from a session with Q'uo, 10/17/2009:
Quote:There are instances when a [person’s] energy body is overmastered by an energy which is more powerful than the system can bear. It is as if the energy body were an electrical system and a surge has come through the system and blown out one or another of the chakras. When this has occurred suddenly and traumatically, as with the ingestion of an overdose of a drug or as in instances that are not so easily explained, this creates a hole in the aura, an unintended and unasked-for portal through which entities have access to your energy body...
The entity who has had such holes in the aura can do a great deal to mend that hole or holes by means
of adopting that way of living which focuses upon that which is loved, that which is held dear, and
setting the intention each and every day to be true to that which is good and beautiful and true. Such thoughts are like thread with which you are weaving,from side to side and from top to bottom, in this hole in the aura.
Thoughts in the world of the metaphysical are things. Thusly, in firm intention each day, visualize
with angelic help that you are “darning the sock” of your energy body, as it were, darning that hole with a thread of gold, a thread of silver, all the precious things moving from side to side and weaving from top to bottom again and again affirming the good, the true, and the beautiful.
It may take time, my sister, but there is healing in thought and that is one thing over which you have control.
2) I can honestly say that I lived in the slums of my heart. I've walked the dirty alley ways, stepped in the sludge of negativity, trembled in fear, and petted the ghouls. And in my own way, I did not run away and deny what I saw. I gained a compassion I never had before. I no longer look at the criminal, the degenerate, and say, "Never me." Instead, I wonder what events transpired to bring an individual to that point. And then I try, with sincerity, to bring love to the moment.
3) It takes as long as it takes. If you are fighting an addiction or watching someone who is, be patient. When SELF decides it is enough, then it is enough. I personally would not have accepted an organized rehabilitation program. That was not my path. My friend, and former dealer, has now completed such a program, and continues to attend meetings, etc. For him, it was exactly the right remedy. Addiction is an experience, and like all experience, it is unique to the individual. Again, LOO 18:5: "It is, shall we say, a shortcut to simply ignore or overcome any desire. It must instead be understood and accepted. This takes patience and experience which can be analyzed with care, with compassion for self and for other-self."
I offer my thanks to all of L/L Research, to Q'uo, including Ra, for their service. I know in one session, I think Don was wondering about getting this information out there, so that it was available to those who need it. Well, I found it. At exactly the moment when I was ready to receive it. And I thank all you readers, brothers and sisters in the light, for being witness to the story (reader's digest version!).
In the United States, meth addiction is a rampant force of destruction. My sister says I am an anomaly, and the statistics tend to support her view. Yet, to me, the amazing part is not that I dropped an addiction, but HOW I dropped it, that I climbed from utter darkness into the shining light, following a trail of Ra-crumbs...
Please, comment or query as you will.
