Bring4th

i just lost my cool and yelled at someone. i'm always losing my temper. but i have trouble apologizing, it goes to pride. it's the hardest thing to do for me, because growing up i viewed any admittance of error as weak, i thought others would see me as weak if i said sorry or showed any emotions at all except the "manly" ones like anger. and i'm a freaking girl. my whole life has been social blunders and trauma trauma trauma, and through it all i maintained my pride, my fear of admitting i had made an error, the terrifying idea that others would see me as flawed and unsure of myself. even if i've already totally made a fool of myself so many times i can't even remember, i still maintain and cling to my pride, my last shreds of illusion that i'm not seen as a total scumbucket. i have no spine whatsoever. i've been running all my life and now i'm like cinderella before 12 and i don't want my carriage to turn into a pumpkin! if my OCD is a catalyst for me, then clearly it's meant to humble me enough to admit fault. but how do i get over that fear? i'm so tired of feeling like i can't do anything right.

i've made tiny progress in the area and for me it's huge but i feel like it's not enough. or fast enough. and reading more about the coming harvest is just pressuring me so much. is it ok to do at a pace i'm comfortable?

also, am i bad person if i can't feel empathy fully? i sort of do, but then i wonder how much am i just afraid of karma. and how much am i feeling sorry for upsetting a person. if i think about it i sometimes feel bad, but i guess i'm used to not thinking about it because i always justified it with that my hurt was bigger, and now i know even if mine was bigger, i still shouldn't upset someone else. but in the moment it's another story because i'm terrified, and that throws me out of love if i was ever in it to begin with. i need to meditate properly to increase my love and not try to do this all from the frequency of the problem. i dunno how to cure my OCD so i should learn to apologise for when i'm a b**** then?

so, i'm just musing here as i wonder how i'm going to ever become a decent person. how can i love myself if i don't love others?

I feel alot of self-loathing in your post. Your self isn't some despicable monster that needs harsh discipline, its more like a neglected child trying to get a parents attention and love. If you relax, understand why you do what you do, accept yourself as you are unconditionally, and love yourself, that will be the first step down a sure path to healing. The more you repeat that process of acceptance and balancing, the more your problems will disappear.

Q'uo:

Quote:there is an infinite flow of riches, beauty, truth, strength, peace and joy that flows throughout creation at all times. Tuning into that is like opening a door in the summer. There is never any need to feel alone, abandoned, neglected or discouraged in a universe so replete with loving energies of every imaginable nature that cluster and gather around each soul that is attempting to seek the infinite Creator.

http://www.llresearch.org/transcripts/is...226_2.aspx

Love is all around you ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9iA8h0UNYk ), if you choose to allow yourself to feel that omnipresent love then your problems will melt away.

I love you, everyone on this forum loves you, everything in creation loves you, so why be anxious? In one sense you are perfect the way you are, so just love yourself, its the most natural thing someone can do, just remove all the barriers you put up.

I can relate. My ego is sensitive and reacts quickly. (surprise everyone ;-)

I don't feel empathy for most situations. In fact, I've learned about myself, when everyone around me feels the immediate natural response, I find that it takes me about 9-12 months before the reality sets in and affects my emotions. (might have made a good soldier if I could handle blood, but then again, maybe not, because of my sensitive ego- the yelling and all).

Bad person? I take care of those I see as "wounded" or "in a bad way" or "need a hand". Maybe that balances it out? Really, though, I don't like to be around people. Yeah, I think I could be happy alone in the woods without another human for miles.

(03-12-2011, 03:14 PM)3DMonkey Wrote: [ -> ]Yeah, I think I could be happy alone in the woods without another human for miles.

Then maybe trying that out could be helpful? Its easier to meditate in nature and isolation, and after a while youll probably start missing human contact and develop empathy. Or try a retreat at Yogaville http://yogaville.org/

thank you, Turtledude.

that's a beautiful quote. and song. it's funny, i was listening to David Wilcock channel Ra today and i dunno, the way he spoke made me feel so good, this really good feeling came over me. somehow i have to find that inside me, though, so i can radiate it when in those situations. i know meditation is key for this. i just keep forgetting. gotta turn off the mind.

i have always had a lot of self-loathing for some reason, i'm starting to think i had some weird issue in a past life, how else could i be born so clueless and distorted? on the one hand it's like i was a plant in a previous life, and on the other someone from 6th density. maybe i'm a hybrid of the two. a plant alien. like The Thing.

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isn't meditating in the woods cheating? i feel like i'll have no catalyst there so i won't learn to get along with people. believe me i'd love to go live in the woods.

(03-12-2011, 02:32 PM)Ocean Wrote: [ -> ]i just lost my cool and yelled at someone. i'm always losing my temper.

try to always remember that getting angry and aggressive will damage the people around you, and whomever is affiliated with you in time/space.

(03-12-2011, 03:17 PM)turtledude23 Wrote: [ -> ]Then maybe trying that out could be helpful? Its easier to meditate in nature and isolation, and after a while youll probably start missing human contact and develop empathy. Or try a retreat at Yogaville http://yogaville.org/

I'm obligated to other humans. If I actually did that, I'd be afraid to come back- like the prodigal son. Returning after that would be a lesson in pain for sure

(03-12-2011, 03:19 PM)Ocean Wrote: [ -> ]thank you, Turtledude.

that's a beautiful quote. and song. it's funny, i was listening to David Wilcock channel Ra today and i dunno, the way he spoke made me feel so good, this really good feeling came over me. somehow i have to find that inside me, though, so i can radiate it when in those situations. i know meditation is key for this. i just keep forgetting. gotta turn off the mind.

i have always had a lot of self-loathing for some reason, i'm starting to think i had some weird issue in a past life, how else could i be born so clueless and distorted? on the one hand it's like i was a plant in a previous life, and on the other someone from 6th density. maybe i'm a hybrid of the two. a plant alien. like The Thing.

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isn't meditating in the woods cheating? i feel like i'll have no catalyst there so i won't learn to get along with people. believe me i'd love to go live in the woods.

You're welcome

We all have self-loathing to some extent, you're not alone. Think about it: STO is about acceptance of self (and by extension all selves), but most of us on this forum seem pretty comfortable with ourselves. But clearly none of us have fully accepted ourselves or we'd be adepts, which means we all self-loath to some extent. Admitting a problem is the first step to solving it. You have the power within you to do it, believe in yourself, use the love thats all around you and in you, and you'll be unstoppable.

Ocean and 3DM: as someone who has spent the majority of their life in voluntary isolation let me tell you that eventually you'll reach the end of unmanifested self catalyst and have a deep longing to be around others and to experience all that seemingly unpleasant social catalyst. But discovering yourself comes before harmonious interaction with others, I hope you'll re-consider my advice.

Sometimes I think that desire of escape to the lonely wilderness is like the desire for a fourth density existence.

(03-12-2011, 03:41 PM)3DMonkey Wrote: [ -> ]Sometimes I think that desire of escape to the lonely wilderness is like the desire for a fourth density existence.

Someone posted a quote here once, I think it was by Quo, maybe Ra, something along the lines of: as the green ray energy is increasing on earth alot of people are feeling more compelled to orange ray self discovery activities and avoiding yellow ray activities. Thats definitely what Ive felt like for many years, only recently am I working on interacting with people more.

you mean i'd be allowed to dwell in aloneness? lol it's 7:44, what does that mean? angels agree?

anyway thanks Turtle, i was a little afraid to post that stuff thinking everyone else is so perfect but you're right, admitting the problem is the first step. and everyone's got their stuff.

and i'll try to remember that Unity, thanks.

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is avoiding yellow ray activities being a social phobe? i'm just about to go away to art school! after a long time avoiding socializing with people, i always get these yearnings to return to social life after a few years of not, and then i'm like what was i thinking? and flee back to cocoon. but i think that's because of these self-loathing issues. i hope it's not a mistake to go there now but i was feeling it would be a good time.

sister i love you but even more important than that i LIKE u. you're this kind of cool person who has their own unique point and view and you are really honest. i once saw a teeshirt and i couldnt agree with it more . it said normal is boring . ha ha thats kind of funny. so god above all things please save me from ever being considered normal

your friend
norral

thank you Norral. i sometimes wonder what i'm afraid of more, being normal or a freak. both are sometimes scary.

We seem to be going through much of the same thing, Ocean. I've always hated accepting help from people, and I hate admitting I'm wrong. Basically, anything that will make me feel weak. And so often it seems like when I do swallow my pride enough to apologize the apology is just brushed off or ignored.

For most of my life I've been a big bucket of depression. No matter what I do I can't seem to make myself happy, even though I have everything I could possibly want. I still feel like crap about 80% of the time, and I feel like I'm running *out* of time. How can a person that is depressed and unable to handle the meager challenges they face in life graduate? Especially when graduation is right around the corner. I'm so afraid I'll have to come back here and do it all again. That's a fate worse than death for me. I can't stand to forget one more time...I just can't. Having these half-memories is painful enough.

I doubt this helps much, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

thanks, Ahktu, i appreciate that.

i've actually never been fully depressed long, i've always had this child-like joy, or at least did in my younger years, i've been getting wearier of late, but i'm always in a flux so i dunno what i'm saying. but then i've had this intense pain, fear and self loathing. and it's such a jolly mix. i'm a paradox in a paradox in a paradox. that's why it's always hard to see myself in others because i'll be one part and then be the opposite as well. it's very confusing. but i get what you're saying about the meager challenges. but i also know that i came in with some challenges that are hard for others already solved for myself. and maybe we never pay attention to that fact, everyone has different challenges after all, what we might consider easy are hard for someone else. you're not a bucket of anything, nor am i. we're all frankenbuckets made of bucketparts of various and glorious things. lol ok i dunno if that's the best way to put it but it sounds fun.

i do wonder how we with mental illness fair now, but we have to have faith and if we make progress, it's progress even if it is tiny muddlements.

and i think the thread you made was really a sign of progress, and a brave thing to do. i think it helped me with my own courage to look deeper and be more honest. so lets not see ourselves as hopeless. and the 4D light increasing we can achieve miracles in shorter time than before.

Some excellent advice from turtledude in this thread.

ahktu, if you don't mind me asking, how many years young are you? :¬)

I'm 25, Namaste. Sometimes it feels like 170...lol.

Ocean, that part about achieving miracles really helped to cheer me up. Thanks.

i'm glad. i feel really old too lol.

if you haven't already read the latest Q'uo transcript it might be worth doing so:
http://www.llresearch.org/transcripts/is..._0205.aspx

Perhaps the beginning of self-confidence is to know that there is only one of you in all of creation. You have developed the soul-stream of which you, as a personality, are a part through many incarnations. Your gifts and your challenges are unique. Your responses to them are equally unique. And as each of you is a part of the creative principle, you are the creator of your universe, the environment in which you live and think, the environment in which you act. You have colored your vibration and your frequency with the colors of your personality.

(03-12-2011, 06:52 PM)ahktu Wrote: [ -> ]I'm 25, Namaste. Sometimes it feels like 170...lol.

Ocean, that part about achieving miracles really helped to cheer me up. Thanks.

Your words very much describe how the majority of first wave Wanderers felt, according to Dolores Cannon (past life regression therapist - in her own way she has uncovered and shared information congruent with the Ra Material). They had a much harder time adjusting to the 'thickness' and negativity of this density/time.

(03-12-2011, 02:32 PM)Ocean Wrote: [ -> ]i've made tiny progress in the area and for me it's huge but i feel like it's not enough. or fast enough. and reading more about the coming harvest is just pressuring me so much. is it ok to do at a pace i'm comfortable?

That's how I feel too. That there is no time to relax and enjoy the ride, one needs to work, work, work... And time is running up because you have a train to catch, otherwise you'll be in 3D for 75000 more years! Actually this is the part in LOO that gives me slight negative vibes. I've asked that question myself many times - is it ok to do it at a pace that is comfortable? But I can't relax enough, since we are bombarded with approaching Harvest. There is a light that I can sense in the horizon, a light that I can see at the end if this tunnel so to speak, but I worry that I will not be "good" enough to catch that train when it leaves the station. And then it gives me guilt for thinking like this, being so self absorbed. There are others who wants to catch that train and I am supposed to help them. Yes, it is orange ray issue, so the Harvest issue is a big catalyst for that work, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone with your thoughts.

thanks. yeah i feel self absorbed too when i obsess over it. maybe we're thinking too much.

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(03-13-2011, 05:46 AM)Lorna Wrote: [ -> ]if you haven't already read the latest Q'uo transcript it might be worth doing so:
http://www.llresearch.org/transcripts/is..._0205.aspx

Perhaps the beginning of self-confidence is to know that there is only one of you in all of creation. You have developed the soul-stream of which you, as a personality, are a part through many incarnations. Your gifts and your challenges are unique. Your responses to them are equally unique. And as each of you is a part of the creative principle, you are the creator of your universe, the environment in which you live and think, the environment in which you act. You have colored your vibration and your frequency with the colors of your personality.

i like that way of looking at it. everybody is unique. and it's ok to be unique. thanks for the link.

Self-loathing is being nudged toward improvement by the very closest person in your life: the one in your very own skin. Here is a suggestion directly from the One, as typed by me : Agree with this person in your skin that you will take action toward change if he will back the hell off.

Say you want to fix the fear of apology. After you regret saying an ego-driven something to a person who didn't deserve to hear it, follow up soon by starting the conversation with something like, "I realized soon after we talked that I went a wrong way and now I want to apologize. I revealed an embarrassing side of me, and I hope by saying I'm sorry enough times it will go away. So here goes, I'm sorry and I mean it." As you say those last words, have a serious face then switch on a smile. This lets the other person/self know that this is a big deal to you, but you are friendly, not scary.

Keep looking into eyes, not away, until the person responds. With luck, s/he will say something more than, "Oh, that's all right," such as, "Well thank you for saying this. I won't give up on you now!" That response means that you grew in stature to this person, right? Therefore your fear was holding you back and now you know it! As Ra kept saying, experience is the best (and only meaningful) teacher.

A few more successful apologies like that and you will have knocked off a major block. At that point, thank your nagging self and release this particular reminder (you don't want to keep remembering forever those mistakes/missed opportunities).

The person might just say "That's all right" from being nervous with this kind of conversation. Say "Well it wasn't all right to me, so I'm glad I showed my eagerness to improve. If I start going off like that again, will you look at me funny so I can catch myself? I'd appreciate it." Smile.

I hope this seems easy. It would be to me, but I'm not you. Practice in front of a mirror if it does seem scary. Wait, even better than a mirror, before falling asleep or just after waking, imagine the person right in front of you and imagine apologizing. Now see how they react. This will be excellent preparation for the real thing.

After apologizing a time or two you will feel the weight dropping off your back. Each time will make the next one half as difficult. Better still, you will notice your own life improvement.

Whew, I've typed enough. Good luck!

thanks for typing so much. that's good advice. i can't do it exactly like that but i'll try my own version.

(03-14-2011, 01:14 AM)kycahi Wrote: [ -> ]Here is a suggestion directly from the One, as typed by me : Agree with this person in your skin that you will take action toward change if he will back the hell off.

LOL That just made my day!

What about forgiveness of the self? How to forgive old stuff done during the auto-pilot mode when the Creator was hidden behind that thick veil? That's more difficult.

good question.

(03-14-2011, 02:59 AM)Ankh Wrote: [ -> ]What about forgiveness of the self? How to forgive old stuff done during the auto-pilot mode when the Creator was hidden behind that thick veil? That's more difficult.

You answered your own question :¬)

You were a different person, spiritually, mentally and physically (literally, the way you think determines the neurological structure of your brain).

You can forgive yourself, just as easily as forgiving another self, for actions in the past. There is a simple test for this. Ask yourself this...

If the same situation arose again, right now, would I act differently?

If it's a yes, you've used the earlier catalyst, processed it, learned and grown from it. That learning tells you, beyond any doubt whatsoever, that you have changed for the better. You are a different person.

You can forgive the older self, it's not who you are now. Forgive, that 'other self', and live in the moment with love and integrity.

more on empathy.

someone said in the density thread that seeing earthquakes people care, but um, i feel nothing watching earthquakes and floods and stuff. i just think another catastrophe. i think i decided a long time ago it does no good to feel bad for everybody cuz then i'd be rolling in pain all day. what's the appropriate response? i don't get it. sometimes i feel really cold. :/ clearly it's awful for the people there and if i was there i'd care but i have no frame of reference for what an earthquake is like. i guess i just can't imagine it. meh. what is empathy? if they say worry does no good, doesn't empathy cause worry? i'm so confused. i know we should not worry and just send love and prayers so i guess i should pray for japan more. but i just don't get why i never feel anything when others do. and when others don't i do. i cried watching anne frank's diary, and i though at the end of it so many people went through that i can't possible watch all their stories. i can't cry for them all. i remember thinking about war on TV that i can't feel anything for those people.

(03-14-2011, 12:04 PM)Ocean Wrote: [ -> ]more on empathy.

someone said in the density thread that seeing earthquakes people care, but um, i feel nothing watching earthquakes and floods and stuff. i just think another catastrophe. i think i decided a long time ago it does no good to feel bad for everybody cuz then i'd be rolling in pain all day. what's the appropriate response? i don't get it. sometimes i feel really cold. :/ clearly it's awful for the people there and if i was there i'd care but i have no frame of reference for what an earthquake is like. i guess i just can't imagine it. meh. what is empathy? if they say worry does no good, doesn't empathy cause worry? i'm so confused. i know we should not worry and just send love and prayers so i guess i should pray for japan more. but i just don't get why i never feel anything when others do. and when others don't i do. i cried watching anne frank's diary, and i though at the end of it so many people went through that i can't possible watch all their stories. i can't cry for them all. i remember thinking about war on TV that i can't feel anything for those people.

Empathy is opening the heart to another; to understand their circumstances and to offer support.

Do not judge yourself by your reactions to what you see on TV. It's different, years of TV makes many people desensitised to it. If the same thing happened on your doorstep, you might be surprised how you would react.

Abraham and Bashar give the advice that joining others in sorrow/grief only adds to the current circumstances. Lowering one's vibration from love to fear/pity, in the name of being 'empathic', is counter productive.

You may not instinctively burst out to tears in front of the news, what matters is what you consciously choose to do. Do you choose to keep the heart closed? Or do you choose to offer love, in any means you see necessary. These are the choices we make day by day.

We're in the Density of Choice. Choose consciously.

thanks. i will choose consciously to be more loving.