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Over the days I have tried to keep so many emotions inside of me, but I don't think it's healthy to do. Before I start i just want to state that I am simply letting out my feelings onto this thread, and asking for advice/guidance/support. I love you all so much, Thank you! Mind my grammar as well, i apologize. It might be quite long but there was no way to shorten it...

For the past few months I have spent the most of my time transiting between home and my university (residence), studying away while trying adjust myself to the freshmen year. After exams I came home to see so much negativity, negativity that has been always there. I never realized that deep down inside of me, the reason why i wanted to stay away from home was to escape the pain.

My father has not been so great at all in my life. I don't mean to speak negative of him (forgive me if i do, i see past his negativity though) but I just want to tell the truth... I have grown up watching him throw fists at my mother, threaten her to scathe her skin, spit on her and verbally abuse her as if she was just an animal. He is a man who hides his true figure outside to the public, being as sincere as he can to strangers while being so negative to us, his family. His family was like that, and there's parts of this long, dark history that I understand, as well as parts that remain hidden to me, my brother, my sister and my mother. He still hasn't changed, which hurts me the most. My mother comes to me for aid, and since i am older she tells me stories of how my dad is sexually abusing her till the point that she has no energy. It hurts to see my mother sacrifice everything for the sake of being there as the motherly figure. Deep down inside, i want her to be free, to run away from my dad and this so-called "family" for the sake of her life. I strive to be the protector of my mother, and my family overall. It's part of my name anyway, and I sense that this is one of the life goals/paths i have chosen. I am here partly to be a "beacon of light for the family" (thats what my korean name literally means.)

Though sometimes it seems like the actions of my father purely come from his heart, often I sense that there is an entity that haunts my father's lineage (specifically my father). What i know is that my grandfather married 3 times and kicked out two wives for being unable to have babies (this is the dad side). My grandma from my mother's side (who is very strong spiritually) and I feel that it is one of two wives (the poor women) who comes back to haunt my father's bloodline. Why do i suspect? Because when my father goes berserk, his eyes change. I can see that it is not him, but rather his body is merely being polarized by the entity. There are also patterns throughout my father's family, where EVERY time a baby was being born, a huge family feud would occur. I believe it was the entity basically trying to "stop" the lineage. I understand this entity though, and the negative catalysts it brings. Though it caused so much harm to my mother, and to my father, it is trying to stop the negativity of my father's lineage once and for all by showing me the example of what not to be. It was very hard to recognize oneness towards a negative entity, even if it caused massive harm. But I see it as a different form of love, tough love that can be learned in a different way. Regardless of if it is the entity or my father himself, because of the many negative, traumatic experiences growing up, I swore to myself that I will swing opposite of it and become as positive and loving as I can. It has lead me to my awakening of LOO, the oneness and unity of the infinite one creator. Today I try to see through my father beyond the pain he has created... But it is so hard.

Ultimately though, I am here to talk because my father still continues to be like this today. I wish to end all the pain and his negativity. I want to help my father seek forgiveness and to recognize the love and light around him. It is so hard to forgive someone who has hurt you so much, and continues to do so. I understand that times must have been hard for him to feed the family and carry the role of being a father. But this negativity has to stop, I can't stop running away from it. i need to stay to protect my poor mother, and stop any of the negativity from repeating again. I want to face it and shine as much light on it as i can just as what a beacon of light would do. I have tried talking to him countless of times, trying to tell him that I am here to help him restore the broken relationships at home, but he assumes that I am disrespecting him simply because I am younger than him and telling him what to do. My body may be young but my soul is not. I have been here before and I still remember of how i left this place the last time. Every discussion ends in ignorance, where my words go unheard. My mother,brother and sister have no power or courage to confront my father. I am the only one who is able to talk to him, and at the same time who understands his situation. It is so hard to direct him to the light, away from the entity and help him recognize the oneness and unity in our family. I myself have trouble simply because I have so much pain inside of me that sometimes i end up yelling at him. I realize that often times I have retaliated in negativity as well, and I continue on today to stop any of that from happening so that I don't repeat my father's family's mistake as well. How can i help my father? I am loosing motivation and energy, but I know i can't stop. I feel that it is my duty to bring harmony in this family and end all negativity... but i am so drained and i dont know what to do...

I know my paragraphs are bouncing back and forth and is very cluttered. I think I am going to take my time writing out a full story of my life later on, it just hard to bear the pain for a long time. I am sorry.

Thank you for reading my-very-hard-to-follow speech.
Dear Xenos, your story is extremely similar to mine. In fact, it is completely identical. I am not as young as you, but I still suffer from the hold of my father and his alcoholism

Xenos, there is only one answer to this, in my opinion. You need to reach out for help. May be your relatives who can come in and retrieve the situation. My humble suggestion is that please do not go on a guilt-trip thinking that you are not living the LOO in terms of seeking strong help.

If you want to email me, I am there for you, Xenos. Of course, my sweet little brother, I cannot do anything to help you directly. I cannot do anything for you brother and that makes me cry. I am crying deeply inside as I type right now. I am crying for you, Xenos, because I know what pain you are likely to be facing. We are twins in that sense. Please feel free to write to me whenever you want. Meanwhile, just check this web page, for it might resonate with you --

Hero's Journey

I got the above from a fellow member at b4th called zenmaster. I believe you are a hero, Xenos, and you will find that many of the points in that page resonate with your life, in my opinion. The page discusses the archetype of the hero's journey, which informs many of the greatest myths of our world. Reach out to me by email/PM, brother, if you wish to.

I love you very much, Xenos. And I hope you are able to prevail. Please pray for me too.
I've been raised in a negative environment too, where I endured both physical and psychic abuse. Just wanted you to know that I understand what you are talking about.

(05-05-2011, 04:43 AM)Xenos Wrote: [ -> ]when my father goes berserk, his eyes change.

I've seen that in my mother's eyes too. It used to scare the s*** out of me.

Quote:How can i help my father?

That's the question I've been asking myself many times. As you, I can't speak to (in my case) my mother about it. It is rather not heard or ignored or she is feeling being attacked and wants, naturally, defend herself. So that's the question I asked during one regression I had recently, and the answer was very simple: "Love".

There is no point of the discussion if the one who discussion is for chooses to not listen. It only means that this entity (in your case your father) is not ready for that. So what can you do? Toss aside all your thoughts and completely open your heart, and regardless of what he says and does you radiate love towards him. Is this hard? Oh yes! For most of the people it's almost impossible. But as the love heals your heart, and your wounds, it heals his heart and his wounds too. With that said, there is nothing wrong with, when necessary, put down your foot, bring forth all the strength and power you own in yourself and firmly say: "Enough! I don't accept that!".

Meerie

I will pray for all of you in these difficult family situations and send you love.
You are very brave souls, all of you. Heart
(05-05-2011, 06:44 AM)Meerie Wrote: [ -> ]I will pray for all of you in these difficult family situations and send you love.

Thank you, good Meerie. And I join in your prayers for Xenos.
dear xenos and confused. i am very sorry to hear the pain that u have experienced in your family. i take both of you into my heart and love u dearly and share your pain with you. there are certainly legal avenues that could be pursued if your mom so desired as what your dad is doing is not legal. i dont know if your mom would be willing to do that but it is worth pursuing imho.
i will pray for you brother. if i could say one thing please remember
u deserve all good things in this life. dont ever let somebody elses
negativity and unconciousness make u feel that u dont my brother

Heart norral Heart

and let me add my brother there are legal avenues that u can pursue.
u dont have to put up with that absolute crap no not at all. it is NOT legal to do this stuff and there are consequences to these kind of actions and it just royally pisses me off when i hear stuff like this . your dad is a bully and needs to be sent a wake up call and your family needs to be in counseling. he is not changing on his own that is guaranteed and if u want a change action must be taken.

Brittany

I agree with Confused and Norral. It shouldn't be all on you to fix this situation. It seems like you've done your best to resolve the situation with love and light, but perhaps it is time to get law officials on your side. If you manage to record his behavior, or get witnesses to it, I think it would help you in making a case, since he seems to pretend everything is fine outside the home. If anything, telling a relative, close friend or counselor could open up some options for you. But don't try to do it all on your own.

If you're into the magical stuff, studying one of the various forms of magic might be of help. You could cast simple spells to protect your family and to dispel negativity. Consulting a healer or other spiritual figure could help to heal the damage this has done to you, and possibly help to heal some of the issues plaguing your father as well.

My mother said when I'd have my "fits" my face and voice would completely change. My eyes would get cold as ice and I would speak in a man's voice. But I remember all of it. Even while something else was attempting to puppeteer my body, my soul was still inside of it, and it horrified me. I only say this to bring up the fact that your father is likely hurt and confused as well. Beneath all of that abominable behavior is still a soul that sounds like it needs serious healing. You seem to already be in this vein...I don't detect any hatred being directed toward your father, just his actions, and this is a good thing, my friend. You are already on the right path. Don't let your own heart be poisoned by this circle of hatred as well.

I will keep you in my prayers. I wish there was more I could do. Sad
(05-05-2011, 10:17 AM)norral Wrote: [ -> ]u deserve all good things in this life. dont ever let somebody elses
negativity and unconciousness make u feel that u dont my brother

That is so beautiful, norral. Thank you very much for sharing our pain, brother.

You are very kind Heart
(05-05-2011, 11:34 AM)ahktu Wrote: [ -> ]My eyes would get cold as ice and I would speak in a man's voice. But I remember all of it. Even while something else was attempting to puppeteer my body, my soul was still inside of it, and it horrified me.

This was like a song in my mind... Thank you!
I'll be praying for you guys.

Raman

Xenos, i feel for you and i will send whatever l/l i'm capable of...i really have not much to add except all these stupid orange/yellow negative situations are going to end...you are rising above even above green ray in your interactions but do not get stuck on the negative feelings of orange/yellow (which could be positive oriented in another situation but not on yours)..arise always above them and let your spirit be what it is and let your will be so strong as to change whatever needs to be changed.

They are going to end...green ray is incoming "with some inconveniences" but it is unstoppable...but you have to contribute as well and you are...

don't be afraid of anything and keep your spirit and will so high that fear, worry and depression cannot find an entrance...and ask for help since like norral says, you are loved and you are not alone.

Then you can forgive...
Thank you brother's and Sisters. I truly appreciate your wonderful thoughts.

Confused, Thank you for the link, I truly feel like I am walking the path of the Hero, it resonated with me very intensely ... It was very coincidental because I had a strong urge to watch this movie last night (anime movie), I don't know if many of you heard but I am very into the Final Fantasy game series... I was watching Advent Children (IDENTICAL expression of a hero - Cloud) and I had this overwhelming sense of connection with the character, as well as what I was reading. Final Fantasy is amazing, I highly suggest you all take a look at the message written all over the game. It speaks of many universal truths as well as problems, and allows the youth to play out each consequence in a role-playing format.

Ankh, Thank you again for reminding me that the power of love can be used as a fierce weapon, I do understand that deep down inside of my father, he is lost and confused as well. He is one, we are all one deep down inside of us, but he does not want to accept the oneness. It is this process in which I want to walk him along, to harmony and happiness. If things get worse, I will consider taking legal action just to protect my family, but for now, due to the fact that I am only 18 and I have no power (money/job) to direct such legal action... and my mother does not as well since my father hogs all the money and so-called "power" in the house; I am going to weather the storm and do what I can to protect my family and negate the negativity. But then again, I also realize that there are people far worse then me, forgive me if I was viewing things to narrow-minded... I still thank my father for the fact that he is here with us. He just needs to accept change, and stop the negativity from polarizing him.

I know it is going to continue; catalysts never dissapear, they only get used and reused in different forms. I am still open to learning out of these events, which constantly repeat again and again in my life. But one thing's different now, I feel as if I need to take action and to be the change in which i dream. I am still going to continue trying to change my father, but in a different, more loving way. However, if he keeps on denying this friendly request, I feel as if I need to take a more serious approach. And I also realize that sometimes, I can't do it alone.... There is so much love out there and how can i deny it? I feel so young and naive... and stupid sometimes. I never knew I trapped so much of my emotions for the sake of others... I need to love myself more in order to help those around me. But I am learning, and I am open to learn, I feel so motivated again!

Thank you so much all of you. Thank you for praying for me, I felt your energies reach me yesterday... As I was sleeping I felt a very warm presence throughout the night, warming and circulating my body. I love you all so much, we are all here for each other. Everything will be revealed sooner or later, everything will be clear and known. But till then when we realize that our this game has ended, I am going to fight, love and enjoy the ride it brings.

L&L
dear xenos
let me say something dear brother. u dont need money to take legal action. let me be very clear, no one absolutely no one has the right to physically abuse another. never ever ever. if u take this to the police they have to take action. case closed. your dads controlling the money is very typical of what abusers do because this is a power trip that they are on. there are many many organizations that can help with this i am going to look into this and pm u. but please brother dont u ever think that anyone has the right to hit or abuse u or your family. and what happens is that families make excuses for the abuser 'oh he had a bad day , your dad is stressed out, etc etc . no he didnt have a bad day he is not stressed out he is a jerk plain and simple and u and your mom are not the bad guys here. sorry brother for being so outspoken but it is a subject near and dear to my heart. i hope u dont hate me now for saying what has to be said but i speak from the heart. i will look into those organizations and pm u as i said

your brother
norral
Dear Xenos, and also Confused and Ankh and any other members who have experienced domestic trauma growing up, you are narcissistically wounded. You can heal yourself.

Trapped in the Mirror by Elan Golomb Ph.D is spesifically written for adult children of narcissists in their struggle for self.

http://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Ela...496&sr=8-1

Secondly, The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment by Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman

http://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-Famil...548&sr=1-1

Narcissistic Family is a must read, both of these are. You will find much healing in these books, please read them. Xenos, you are making the classic mistakes that children of narcissists make. You carry guilt around and you feel responsible. Listen to me, children NEVER make mistakes, and are NEVER responsible.

When you read these books, you will realize many things, but most importantly, you will start the journey of healing, and being liberated.

Once you have taken care of yourself and when you are okay, you might have to accept this situation as one that is largely out of your hands, and just support your mother to the best of your ability. Acceptance is key.

I will be thinking of you.

For those who haven't been physically or emotionally abused, you can also read these books. Most children of narcissists don't even know that they are narcissistically wounded, and come from covertly narcissistic families. All it takes is a parent who put their own needs above the needs of the child. These books are also must reads for those of you trapped in narcissistic relationships.

The Ra material emphasizes how important it is to love the self, and respect the self, and forgive the self. Children of narcissists have great difficulty doing that, and they struggle with self worth. It is the illness of our time. These books will also ensure that 'the buck stops here', so to speak, because it's generational, and it will make you a great parent and partner.

PS. The Narcissistic Family was actually written 'from therapist to therapist' about how to treat children of narcissists.
here is a link to a canadian womens organization. looks like a good place to start
http://www.cdnwomen.org/EN/section04/2_4...e_are.html
Thanks, Spectrum. Much appreciated Smile
(05-06-2011, 10:29 AM)Confused Wrote: [ -> ]Thanks, Spectrum. Much appreciated Smile

These books have helped me tremendously Smile
Xenos, I will continue to read this thread and wish you the very best. I have no history to draw on to help you. I personally improved the most after training Aikido, but that was not overnight.

If you can have anything like a regular conversation with your father, you can try to get him to do the talking and subtly steer the conversation to what goes on inside, and try to learn stuff about his dad or whatever influence got to him. The key to this is always to be very calm, show respectful curiosity and not react beyond asking more. Not easy when you want to challenge or accuse. If you see "the look" coming over him, then excuse yourself or change the subject attempting to restore calm.

You want two results from this approach: one, learn about him and two, get him to see you as closer to his level rather than a noisy child to mistreat.

If you happen upon him abusing mom or about to, grab her arm and say, "Time to go." Then walk her as far away as you can get, looking at where you are going, not back at him. If that means outside where a neighbor might witness, then do it. Forget about embarrassment.

I hope this might help, as it's all I have. Good luck with your journey.
I have read all the sotries really feeling sad to hear all of this ...
I know it is must hurting experience for ourselves to forgive someone who hurts us the most ...There are many peoples including me who have been hurted either from their family or by their loved ones or friends .and i know how the painful experienced is that..and the main things is to forgive that ppl who have hurted us the most ..
That needs really courage

Black tea
(05-28-2011, 09:49 AM)john road Wrote: [ -> ]I have read all the sotries really feeling sad to hear all of this ...
I know it is must hurting experience for ourselves to forgive someone who hurts us the most ...There are many peoples including me who have been hurted either from their family or by their loved ones or friends .and i know how the painful experienced is that..and the main things is to forgive that ppl who have hurted us the most ..
That needs really courage

Thank you very much for your beautiful words of kindness, john road. Much appreciated.
you know xenos your story is my exact story.
we are in many respects one

i'm a 28 year old felix who grew up with an abusive dad as well
same situation nice to others, and a crook to our family.

i would get angry too.
sometimes i would yell at the top of my lungs, the kind of yelling i would never do to anyone else.
there comes a point where you can't reconcile things, but taking it to the law is a bit of an extreme, especially within an asian family. we tend to stick to each other instead. privacy is one thing, and it's a sensitive nature.
i've come to accept my dad for who he is, i can't change him. I try not to hold it against him, or anything against him really. I forgive him but I still don't approve of his actions.
Once you lay it out for someone, because i'm sure you wanted to spread LOO somehow even in philosophy, once someone doesn't accept it. we have to simply move on and watch from afar.

the next time your dad pulls off a stunt like that however, personally I wouldn't be so quick to stand idle and let it happen either. What I do is i confront, but I don't get physical. I lay out exactly what he is doing, how it's making the rest of us feel and really get straight to the point of what it is he's doing. Then I kick him out of the house.
Then I lock the door and don't answer his calls ever. or if it rings I pick up and hang up Tongue

okay thats a bit too much information but.. realize he's a very cowardly man. or anyone who does things like this.
my dad would always come over with other people and almost like hide behind them thinking I wouldn't say anything in front of his friends.

from your story it seems like your dad gets it from his dad. he's probably very very sensitive inside, but he becomes a victim to his own emotions as he doesn't know how to handle or process it at all.. obviously cause he wasn't taught the right way.

i completely sympathize with you from the bottom of my soul. i know exactly what you are going thru.. and i'm a narutard. (^_^)/ sugoi ne!

Meerie

It sucks doesn't it Sad. I mean I was fortunate insofar as my close family are good people, but I suffered a lot as a child from ignorant boors in the extended family, neighborhood, school, etc.
I think when we plan our incarnation everything probably looks a lot easier than when we are actually down here, behind the veil and in the dense earth atmosphere.
Wow I'm sorry that it took me so long to get around to reading this thread.

Not to take away from your story Xenos, or anyone elses who has gone through something similar.. I relate also! I grew up with an abusive alcoholic father who would rape my mother constantly, beat her up and put a gun to her head in front of us and tell us to say goodbye to her etc. He started on my brother and when I was 6 and my brother 8, my mother finally got the courage to take us and run, and we spent a couple of years on the run from him (before the police found us and decided that he had right to us because my mother didn't do the "legally correct" thing by fleeing the state)

anyway! the eyes changing thing reminds me of my dad too. I don't know what it means in the LOO sense, are they orion beings that we are born from? I have NO CLUE!!

RE: forgiving people like that, I do not know the answer. I don't know that "forgiveness" means loving and accepting them in the same sense that you would the rest of your family, because the things they do are unforgiveable in the human sense. I wonder if it might mean that you would still treat them as you would anyone - in that if they come to you for help you will not turn them away. But it doesn't mean you have to be around it or put up with it, and if they are hurting someone, then your obligation needs to be to the person who needs your help the most.

I've thought about this to an extreme sense as a parent, that if someone did something terrible to my child - or wanted to and I could stop it - I would probably kill them (not that I condone these actions). I asked myself, if I killed someone who was hurting my child does that make me a bad person? Does that mean I cannot progress spiritually? In a way I'm kind of helping the person I killed because obviously their polarity has severely messed up somewhere along the line and I could be guiding them back to a lower level so that they might start again. Again I'm not suggesting or condoning such a thing.. but I have a fierce protectiveness toward my family and so it is something I have contemplated.
Nyu, contemplate away. Perhaps if you do it long enough, you will perceive a way to reach a level of forgiveness or other kind of resolution.

I don't believe that forgiveness of a horrible parent or other person is a requirement for harvest, but if somehow, you can reach that level, you will find this life better. I know this from personal experience.
First, let me say that I understand your pain.

I am no expert on forgiveness, as I am working on that myself. However, I would like to address your responsibility. And I want to say that this is only my opinion.

You have no responsibility to your family. Let me explain what I mean.

Your only responsibility is for your own life, behaviors, actions etc. You cannot change others, nor should you want to. Your father for instance may have lessons to learn and the situation he has created for himself is facilitating that. Your mother may be helping him do this, and simultaneously facilitating her own growth (perhaps she needs to learn to stand up for herself) which simultaneously is being helped by your father. Perhaps even the ancestor you mentioned is helping them learn their lessons. We cannot judge another's life plan as we have no way of knowing what it is, just as it is hard for us to figure out our own. There is no "blame" as you have recognized--rightly so--that it goes back generations with no starting point.

Here is what you can do, and what, in my opinion, is a better use of your energy. Shine your light, as your name implies. Be an example for your family by making your life as good as you can. Take the cosmic view and remove yourself from the emotional drama. When, in time, your family notices the evolved person you are, they will notice. You will be a beacon for them to rise above their own miseries.

As for your childhood, many of us have suffered through that. You are not alone. And in the words of Tom Robbins, It's never to late to have a happy childhood. Just a bit of fun there, but if you are in college you must be young, and I hope you can lighten your burden by letting go a little, and while evolving spiritually, have some fun too Smile.

Unbound

This has been a struggle for me to come to terms with too throughout my life, but for myself I have realized how simple forgiveness really is. I simply accept and understand that my pain is my own. No one else is responsible for the hurt that I feel or the pain I endure, because I know I am the one who guides my own life with my choices and even should I not understand why I had to go through the pain in that moment I have always discovered wonderful lessons of simple appreciation and kindness in the long run. My most painful experiences have been my most enlightening lessons, and so I am grateful for all my experiences, and all the people involved in those experiences. And should they have been one of the few unfortunate enough to be in a position to offer me a lesson in pain I give them my deepest blessings for I know they are in a much darker, deeper and more difficult to escape place than I.
(06-11-2011, 05:51 PM)Diana Wrote: [ -> ]First, let me say that I understand your pain.

I am no expert on forgiveness, as I am working on that myself. However, I would like to address your responsibility. And I want to say that this is only my opinion.

You have no responsibility to your family. Let me explain what I mean.

Your only responsibility is for your own life, behaviors, actions etc. You cannot change others, nor should you want to. Your father for instance may have lessons to learn and the situation he has created for himself is facilitating that. Your mother may be helping him do this, and simultaneously facilitating her own growth (perhaps she needs to learn to stand up for herself) which simultaneously is being helped by your father. Perhaps even the ancestor you mentioned is helping them learn their lessons. We cannot judge another's life plan as we have no way of knowing what it is, just as it is hard for us to figure out our own. There is no "blame" as you have recognized--rightly so--that it goes back generations with no starting point.

Here is what you can do, and what, in my opinion, is a better use of your energy. Shine your light, as your name implies. Be an example for your family by making your life as good as you can. Take the cosmic view and remove yourself from the emotional drama. When, in time, your family notices the evolved person you are, they will notice. You will be a beacon for them to rise above their own miseries.

As for your childhood, many of us have suffered through that. You are not alone. And in the words of Tom Robbins, It's never to late to have a happy childhood. Just a bit of fun there, but if you are in college you must be young, and I hope you can lighten your burden by letting go a little, and while evolving spiritually, have some fun too Smile.

My Opinion matches Diana's......true personal healing will not come from revenge or stricking-back. As Diana mentions - taking the larger "cosmic" view (as if you are the third party looking in). I have discovered a great emotion and ally by removing myself. Pity grew within me - greater and greater for those that have hurt me. I realized their life path must be so tormented - that they find it easier to deal by stricking out. We each have our own path and must decide how we re-ACT to those that wish to share their pain. Being a SURVIVOR is the better choice than allowing yourself to be the perfect willing VICTIM....which do ou wish to be? A survivor has moved beyond the grasp of the offender - leaving only pity.
I am a SURVIVOR of bigotry, sexual & phisical abuse, and broken homes (both parents married three times).....I do not allow myself to be defined by my past circumstances...I am a light-filled being that is here to make a positive impact for better futures - how SO VERY liberating it is!

May your future be filled with love, joy, and freedom!
Even though I learned meditation back in the 60s and regularly attended channeling sessions, I could be a real *sshole. This culminated when I went to work at a Silicon Valley computer company that had an enormous level of stress inherent in its culture. Practically everybody walked around with virtual knives in their backs, and I had more than my share.

I got to the point where my resentment of many other people at work was causing physical harm and, one night as I waited for sleep, I came up with an exercise that I thought might help this. I would picture each person as standing directly in front of me, also standing, and I would look them in the eye and say, "I forgive you."

At first, even in this imaginary situation, I couldn't look them in the eye and say that, because I didn't mean it. I said it, but I looked away or looked down. I did this morning and night, except sometimes when I forgot to. After awhile, say a few weeks, I forced my imaginary self to look one person in the eye and say it, and he had a very surprised, puzzled and sad look on his face. So did each of the others.

Not long after that, like same day or next, I realized that I didn't need to forgive ANY of them, I only needed forgiveness myself. So then I imagined facing those same people to ask them to forgive me. That felt right and good. This completely changed my life. I saw that those people were struggling just as much as I was.

Since then I am a different person, and others behave differently toward me as well. Angel