09-13-2011, 06:26 PM
Hello dear friends,
first of all i want to say sorry for my imperfect English.
And second, I apologize if my story is too long and might be boring for some people. I feel an intense urge to share it with other wanderers because I am sure you understand and might be interested in helping me out with some questions.
I am so happy that i finally fund the courage to tell about my story and stop being afraid of judgjment. I am not crazy!
Well, now let me tell you about my story. I think my soul is/was very brave to chose this kind of plane for this time of incarnation. Way too much too deal with for a naive and childlike soul like me.
When i was born my mom told me that there was something wired about me. My skin color was lighter than anyone she had ever known from her and my dads family. The other wired thing was that i slept so much that she had to hold my nose to wake me up to feed me. It was very unexpected when my mom got pregnant with me 11 months after my brother.
From an early age i always had questions that were much bigger than me but never really asked them as i knew no one really could. i'v always had dreams and some psychic /empath abilities.
My brothers did not like to involve me when they played together and my little sister was just a baby. At the age of 7-8 I had 12 dolls which I loved so much. They where my children/friends. I only had one close friend my entire childhood but i lost her when we had to move home at the age of 10. I was so sensitive, shy and quiet that i never fitted anywhere and never wanted to. Not because i was afraid of them or something it was just because I felt like i did not belong. Later I'v been abused by a relative. I never told my parents about it. I was scared and ashamed. I do not think it would make a difference for me anyway. Done is done and i healed myself now.
My father was there but never involved himself in our lives. He is self absorbed but he is also a good guy. My mom have some influence on him. My mom was always bossy and scared me so much. She never treated me like a daughter. I'v always had what i needed materially speaking but emotionally... nothing. The only person who i really felt comfortable with and loved was my grand mom. She died and left me when I was 16. (but she is still watching over me and contacting me on my dreams)
All my life I had to learn everything by my own. Mom was angry all the time and unfortunately, I got hit and punished for minor reasons like washing and cleaning very often. She made me belive that i was ugly and not worthie and i accepted that "fact". My life was all about making her happy. I never succeeded, of course. She also hated that i never tried to be like her nor wanted to. I understand and forgive her now but at that time i didn't and that led me to marry a guy at the age of 20 who is completely different from me and therefore challenging. He was my ticket out. It was the best way for me to get out of the house to gain my independence without too much pain for my family. Running away would have been a tremendous painful punishment for them.
Sadly, this guy treated me more or less the same way as my mom did, sometimes even worse. It was like running away from one prison to another. I felt sometimes abused by him. I felt that i lost my soul through those 6 years of marriage. It is amazing to think about how i managed to go through it. All I did is go to school, serve him , forgive him, take care of my wonderful little child and everything in the house. He helped very little. I wouldn't call my ex evil but rather ignorant because i do realize now that the word Evil is way too heavy and I try not to use it. when i look back at it i think i made an uncounciess choice to stay with him for so long to pay my debt of accepting to marry him for selfish reasons not love. The first apparent spiritual step in my life was the way i came to the divorce desicion. It felt like someone told me that now it's time.. All my fears and worries just disappired that moment. I felt very sure and peaceful. (my left leg just vibrated!)
I am 29 yrs old now. the last two years were both very hard and intreseting. It felt like suddenly everything bad that happened in my life never hurt me so badly before now. I had to work on all the past traumas at the same time. I had to remember, understand then forgive and forget. For the first time in my life i tasted what freedom was because freedom comes from within. I gradually stopped satisfying the expectetions of family, friends, culture, community, trends and ect. I had to find out what real love is and what self-love and self-respect is. I had to learn how to let go and stop trying to control everything. I had to dare to be ME. I spent lots of money on psychics and got nearly addicted. I do not regret that because i found a couple of wise spiritual people who helped me tremedously to find the way.
My gratest catalyst during this period was love and reationships. i fell in love twice and couldnt make it work because it was not up to me. It was really surprising how these to relatioships started and developed and ended in similar ways even though the tow guys were very different. Both times my heart was broken..badly. I never felt so huge pain like that before. One of the funny things about the last guy was that i met him on my sons birthday 20.11.2010 with an instant connection and we went our separate ways 11.02.2011 very unexpected. The numbers of the two dates are really hard to ignore.
I think he might be my twin flame because we are so similar yet different in the sense of spiritual development. I felt strong telepathic connection with him and still do. I feel like he is the extreme masculine version of the soul and I am the extreme feminine version. But he is still "young" and needs to find peace and undertanding within his soul before we can make it work. It might not happen during this incranation.. When he left i begged my angels and helpers to help me out. And they did. I did not want to go through the pain once again. I felt like a part of me was missing. I was so empty and i went through 3-4 weeks of intense depression. the kind of depression that leaves one lying in the bed not able to do anything but shed a river of tears and drown in sadness and confusion.
besides of these two relationships i had, I am not interested in the "game of love" people play with eachother. I feel sad about them hurting eachothers feelings just for fun. hate to think of interacting and flirting with men just for "fun". And belive me I could do that easily as now I became a very confident and attractive woman. But no. I hate to imagine myself in bed with a man i do not love. Not even in my fantasy world. I have always felt like sex is a sacred act of love long before i awakened. That makes me even more different.
I'v been trying so hard to finish my study with all the depression i went trough, the little angle i had to take care of, my ex's anger, my broken heart, my shaky economic situation and my spiritual developement. I am almost there.
I'v always been longing to go "home" even before i found out about the wanderers on earth. I do not remember much from my past life but i do remember how it felt to live among higher density beings. I so wish people on earth learn to live like that. Simply joy, pure, fair, easy and peace. Like one big family.
Spiritually, I feel like i grew up 20 years not 2 years. so much happened. Books and relationships were my best tools for learning. I had many interesting dreams . I had the so called Kundalini rising experience too before I even knew about what it was ( and still not sure of what it really is why i had it). I wasnt sure of it until two days ago when i was reading Carla's ebook. It was described a little bit in the book just like the way i experienced. It was one of the major events in my entire life.
It all started when i started to read " living in the now" then started to listen to Abraham Hicks. I also searched randomly on the internet but much the information seemed confusing. peaople tend to make thing too complex. too many prisoning dogmas so I dropped it and just did what my heart told me to.
Then I had the kundalini experience. I was sitting and meditating like usual for 15 min just like Abraham suggested. But this time something was different. My head started to swing from side to side slowly and then it became quicker and quicker. I was scared!! this wasnt supposed to happen! Abraham did not mention anything like this ! but i decided to stay calm and go on.. suddenly, strong vibrations like electricity started to raise from my feet up to my head. My body temp raised and my heart was beating so fast that it felt like it would pop out of my chest. At the same time I felt like something/someone was tapping on my chest with their fingers while my head was still swinging from side to side rapidly. I felt then an enourmus energy rush thrown at me, something like going through an invisible wall or an energy field ( really hard to explain)...Then the heart beating slowed down by itself. and everything was over.
After the Kundalini raising I was guided to read the Ra Materials. It felt so right and real that it kind of scared me a bit at the biginning. I took a break from it and then resumed the reading. Everything makes much more sense now. All my questions from childhood has been answered!
Lately I'v been reading Carla's ebook A wanderers Handbook to try and find a way to continue my path.
Now, every time i meditate i experience different kinds of energies like vibrations, light, random body movements ect. I can now feel those energies with my hands. sometimes my hands goes arround in a spiraling movements. It's really amazing. i often feel sensations going from the top of my head down to my third eye without meditation. my right ear is buzzing all the time and my body still vibrates randomly with or without meditation. I don't know why?
I see so many synchronicities like seeing number 11, 11.11, and 111111 ect. I also get too many reminders of my "twin flame" which i do find a bit frustrating and confusing as i am trying to move on. maybe i am not done with this catalyst yet.
sometimes i experience some worrisome incidents but I generally feel safe and protected enough to forget about them quickly.
A shaman that i met randomly in a park 6 months ago told me that my energies are very strong and that my soul is old. previously i was an indian head of a tribe and all the people that i need and depend on in this lifetime were my children or people I took care of (it was the second time someone tells me the exact same thing). He also told me that I come from a star named Cassandra. That was the first time i ever heard of wanderers but i never found info about a Cassandra star. Not an easy task knowing that universe is infinite.. He also told me that in this incranation I am the Godess of Love and Pain. I do not know how much of that information is accurate but i can sure relate to some of it .
So here I am now.. a beautiful and intelligent 29 years old woman full of love and compassion for others. I am stronger and wiser yet my soul is still very young and long for playing and having fun like a child. I am also gifted with some psychic, empathic nd telepathic abilities which i am notn ready to develope yet. I need to know what i would do with them first. Money is defenetly not a priority.
I feel lost and trapped. I lost interest in many things and people. I hate self pitty so i try not to be like that but i just do not know what to do next.
I look at the sky and tell God that i am looking forward for the day I rejoin my brothers and sisters.
I am so very very tired. I am so tired that i got no more tears to shed. I am so tired that i do not want or need to fall in love again. I am so tired that i do not care for ambitions and material things that much anymore. Nothing is that interesting anymore.
Even though I am so tired, I feel that i will never go back to that dark depression and I am much more balanced but i have too many questions and no answers:
What does it mean and why did I experince the kundalini rising? What do i do with all the potential i got? I still love to help but who? how? and what if get myself hurt again? I barely got money for living and taking care of my angel how can i help anyone then?
If my soul did choose such a hard path then why is it so hard to find the way to go forth?
why arent my angels/helpers talking to me more clearly?I need that as I feel very alone. Not even my closest friends know about my spiritual life. Not even my own family understand me. I am so different from them. I love them and enjoy their company but i can not imagine myself moving close to them. Getting help from outside cost money, too much money. it doesnt even feel right when it is so expensive.
I feel neither happy nor sad. I am simply lost. I try to take one day at a time but when will i see the light? when will i stop fighting the odds and simply just get to work! petience is the word i guess...
I tried to shorten my story as much as possible. Later on I would love to discuss many interesting topics and questions with you , dear friends.
I share my story and feel very humble and utterly joyful that i finally got the courage and self love to do that and I am sure you do understand.
It is very helpful to know that I AM a wanderer and I feel very humbel about it yet exited to find out what I can do to serve this planet.
I believe that we are all here for one simple reason: learn and spread the unconditional Love of the One Infinite Creator. We can do it in infinte number of ways but the reason is still ONE. We are also fully aware of our limitations on this physical illusion and we should forgive ourselves for that. after all, perfection is not the mission in the third density illusion. Choice between STS and STO is. We alredy made that choice.
first of all i want to say sorry for my imperfect English.
And second, I apologize if my story is too long and might be boring for some people. I feel an intense urge to share it with other wanderers because I am sure you understand and might be interested in helping me out with some questions.
I am so happy that i finally fund the courage to tell about my story and stop being afraid of judgjment. I am not crazy!
Well, now let me tell you about my story. I think my soul is/was very brave to chose this kind of plane for this time of incarnation. Way too much too deal with for a naive and childlike soul like me.
When i was born my mom told me that there was something wired about me. My skin color was lighter than anyone she had ever known from her and my dads family. The other wired thing was that i slept so much that she had to hold my nose to wake me up to feed me. It was very unexpected when my mom got pregnant with me 11 months after my brother.
From an early age i always had questions that were much bigger than me but never really asked them as i knew no one really could. i'v always had dreams and some psychic /empath abilities.
My brothers did not like to involve me when they played together and my little sister was just a baby. At the age of 7-8 I had 12 dolls which I loved so much. They where my children/friends. I only had one close friend my entire childhood but i lost her when we had to move home at the age of 10. I was so sensitive, shy and quiet that i never fitted anywhere and never wanted to. Not because i was afraid of them or something it was just because I felt like i did not belong. Later I'v been abused by a relative. I never told my parents about it. I was scared and ashamed. I do not think it would make a difference for me anyway. Done is done and i healed myself now.
My father was there but never involved himself in our lives. He is self absorbed but he is also a good guy. My mom have some influence on him. My mom was always bossy and scared me so much. She never treated me like a daughter. I'v always had what i needed materially speaking but emotionally... nothing. The only person who i really felt comfortable with and loved was my grand mom. She died and left me when I was 16. (but she is still watching over me and contacting me on my dreams)
All my life I had to learn everything by my own. Mom was angry all the time and unfortunately, I got hit and punished for minor reasons like washing and cleaning very often. She made me belive that i was ugly and not worthie and i accepted that "fact". My life was all about making her happy. I never succeeded, of course. She also hated that i never tried to be like her nor wanted to. I understand and forgive her now but at that time i didn't and that led me to marry a guy at the age of 20 who is completely different from me and therefore challenging. He was my ticket out. It was the best way for me to get out of the house to gain my independence without too much pain for my family. Running away would have been a tremendous painful punishment for them.
Sadly, this guy treated me more or less the same way as my mom did, sometimes even worse. It was like running away from one prison to another. I felt sometimes abused by him. I felt that i lost my soul through those 6 years of marriage. It is amazing to think about how i managed to go through it. All I did is go to school, serve him , forgive him, take care of my wonderful little child and everything in the house. He helped very little. I wouldn't call my ex evil but rather ignorant because i do realize now that the word Evil is way too heavy and I try not to use it. when i look back at it i think i made an uncounciess choice to stay with him for so long to pay my debt of accepting to marry him for selfish reasons not love. The first apparent spiritual step in my life was the way i came to the divorce desicion. It felt like someone told me that now it's time.. All my fears and worries just disappired that moment. I felt very sure and peaceful. (my left leg just vibrated!)
I am 29 yrs old now. the last two years were both very hard and intreseting. It felt like suddenly everything bad that happened in my life never hurt me so badly before now. I had to work on all the past traumas at the same time. I had to remember, understand then forgive and forget. For the first time in my life i tasted what freedom was because freedom comes from within. I gradually stopped satisfying the expectetions of family, friends, culture, community, trends and ect. I had to find out what real love is and what self-love and self-respect is. I had to learn how to let go and stop trying to control everything. I had to dare to be ME. I spent lots of money on psychics and got nearly addicted. I do not regret that because i found a couple of wise spiritual people who helped me tremedously to find the way.
My gratest catalyst during this period was love and reationships. i fell in love twice and couldnt make it work because it was not up to me. It was really surprising how these to relatioships started and developed and ended in similar ways even though the tow guys were very different. Both times my heart was broken..badly. I never felt so huge pain like that before. One of the funny things about the last guy was that i met him on my sons birthday 20.11.2010 with an instant connection and we went our separate ways 11.02.2011 very unexpected. The numbers of the two dates are really hard to ignore.
I think he might be my twin flame because we are so similar yet different in the sense of spiritual development. I felt strong telepathic connection with him and still do. I feel like he is the extreme masculine version of the soul and I am the extreme feminine version. But he is still "young" and needs to find peace and undertanding within his soul before we can make it work. It might not happen during this incranation.. When he left i begged my angels and helpers to help me out. And they did. I did not want to go through the pain once again. I felt like a part of me was missing. I was so empty and i went through 3-4 weeks of intense depression. the kind of depression that leaves one lying in the bed not able to do anything but shed a river of tears and drown in sadness and confusion.
besides of these two relationships i had, I am not interested in the "game of love" people play with eachother. I feel sad about them hurting eachothers feelings just for fun. hate to think of interacting and flirting with men just for "fun". And belive me I could do that easily as now I became a very confident and attractive woman. But no. I hate to imagine myself in bed with a man i do not love. Not even in my fantasy world. I have always felt like sex is a sacred act of love long before i awakened. That makes me even more different.
I'v been trying so hard to finish my study with all the depression i went trough, the little angle i had to take care of, my ex's anger, my broken heart, my shaky economic situation and my spiritual developement. I am almost there.
I'v always been longing to go "home" even before i found out about the wanderers on earth. I do not remember much from my past life but i do remember how it felt to live among higher density beings. I so wish people on earth learn to live like that. Simply joy, pure, fair, easy and peace. Like one big family.
Spiritually, I feel like i grew up 20 years not 2 years. so much happened. Books and relationships were my best tools for learning. I had many interesting dreams . I had the so called Kundalini rising experience too before I even knew about what it was ( and still not sure of what it really is why i had it). I wasnt sure of it until two days ago when i was reading Carla's ebook. It was described a little bit in the book just like the way i experienced. It was one of the major events in my entire life.
It all started when i started to read " living in the now" then started to listen to Abraham Hicks. I also searched randomly on the internet but much the information seemed confusing. peaople tend to make thing too complex. too many prisoning dogmas so I dropped it and just did what my heart told me to.
Then I had the kundalini experience. I was sitting and meditating like usual for 15 min just like Abraham suggested. But this time something was different. My head started to swing from side to side slowly and then it became quicker and quicker. I was scared!! this wasnt supposed to happen! Abraham did not mention anything like this ! but i decided to stay calm and go on.. suddenly, strong vibrations like electricity started to raise from my feet up to my head. My body temp raised and my heart was beating so fast that it felt like it would pop out of my chest. At the same time I felt like something/someone was tapping on my chest with their fingers while my head was still swinging from side to side rapidly. I felt then an enourmus energy rush thrown at me, something like going through an invisible wall or an energy field ( really hard to explain)...Then the heart beating slowed down by itself. and everything was over.
After the Kundalini raising I was guided to read the Ra Materials. It felt so right and real that it kind of scared me a bit at the biginning. I took a break from it and then resumed the reading. Everything makes much more sense now. All my questions from childhood has been answered!
Lately I'v been reading Carla's ebook A wanderers Handbook to try and find a way to continue my path.
Now, every time i meditate i experience different kinds of energies like vibrations, light, random body movements ect. I can now feel those energies with my hands. sometimes my hands goes arround in a spiraling movements. It's really amazing. i often feel sensations going from the top of my head down to my third eye without meditation. my right ear is buzzing all the time and my body still vibrates randomly with or without meditation. I don't know why?
I see so many synchronicities like seeing number 11, 11.11, and 111111 ect. I also get too many reminders of my "twin flame" which i do find a bit frustrating and confusing as i am trying to move on. maybe i am not done with this catalyst yet.
sometimes i experience some worrisome incidents but I generally feel safe and protected enough to forget about them quickly.
A shaman that i met randomly in a park 6 months ago told me that my energies are very strong and that my soul is old. previously i was an indian head of a tribe and all the people that i need and depend on in this lifetime were my children or people I took care of (it was the second time someone tells me the exact same thing). He also told me that I come from a star named Cassandra. That was the first time i ever heard of wanderers but i never found info about a Cassandra star. Not an easy task knowing that universe is infinite.. He also told me that in this incranation I am the Godess of Love and Pain. I do not know how much of that information is accurate but i can sure relate to some of it .
So here I am now.. a beautiful and intelligent 29 years old woman full of love and compassion for others. I am stronger and wiser yet my soul is still very young and long for playing and having fun like a child. I am also gifted with some psychic, empathic nd telepathic abilities which i am notn ready to develope yet. I need to know what i would do with them first. Money is defenetly not a priority.
I feel lost and trapped. I lost interest in many things and people. I hate self pitty so i try not to be like that but i just do not know what to do next.
I look at the sky and tell God that i am looking forward for the day I rejoin my brothers and sisters.
I am so very very tired. I am so tired that i got no more tears to shed. I am so tired that i do not want or need to fall in love again. I am so tired that i do not care for ambitions and material things that much anymore. Nothing is that interesting anymore.
Even though I am so tired, I feel that i will never go back to that dark depression and I am much more balanced but i have too many questions and no answers:
What does it mean and why did I experince the kundalini rising? What do i do with all the potential i got? I still love to help but who? how? and what if get myself hurt again? I barely got money for living and taking care of my angel how can i help anyone then?
If my soul did choose such a hard path then why is it so hard to find the way to go forth?
why arent my angels/helpers talking to me more clearly?I need that as I feel very alone. Not even my closest friends know about my spiritual life. Not even my own family understand me. I am so different from them. I love them and enjoy their company but i can not imagine myself moving close to them. Getting help from outside cost money, too much money. it doesnt even feel right when it is so expensive.
I feel neither happy nor sad. I am simply lost. I try to take one day at a time but when will i see the light? when will i stop fighting the odds and simply just get to work! petience is the word i guess...
I tried to shorten my story as much as possible. Later on I would love to discuss many interesting topics and questions with you , dear friends.
I share my story and feel very humble and utterly joyful that i finally got the courage and self love to do that and I am sure you do understand.
It is very helpful to know that I AM a wanderer and I feel very humbel about it yet exited to find out what I can do to serve this planet.
I believe that we are all here for one simple reason: learn and spread the unconditional Love of the One Infinite Creator. We can do it in infinte number of ways but the reason is still ONE. We are also fully aware of our limitations on this physical illusion and we should forgive ourselves for that. after all, perfection is not the mission in the third density illusion. Choice between STS and STO is. We alredy made that choice.
![[Image: icon_pdf_index.gif]](http://llresearch.org/images/icons/icon_pdf_index.gif){kind=icon}
)