I appreciate everyone trying to be helpful.
I had a very interesting experience last night and the past 3 days which I will now relay here. The experience itself feels as though it should be shared.
I am unsure how to begin writing this as it is such a large topic. So instead of doing it chronologically I will instead approach it from a emotional perspective of describing the events as their importance and significance is to the present day me. Not what they might have been.
So, the story might seem slightly jumbled but try to keep it together.
PS: Contains strong language, things that might trigger negative experiences but I HOPE that they would instead be felt as positive. Has a few curse words, I prefer not to remove them as it might risk the carefully structured energy of what I am trying to convey.
I was sexually abused by my elder brother when I was about 7, it was the down point of my life, and far from its eventual culmination. It did continue to be bad, both before and after that for a long time, but to put it in perspective, the sexual abuse was one of the lower points of my journey in terms of emotional harm.
I remember sitting at my parents house when I was a child, and crying under a table because my brother had once again hurt me emotionally. I retaliated by cutting a few of the hairs of a few of the toys he had made, or were made from him, these round fluffy balls made from twine. And I was yelled at it, and because I never told my parents why I did it the yelling was both unhelpful and only served to worsen my situation.
But my childhood was, in a way, quite a mess, my brother was in a daycare center that was, to put it mildly, absolute hell. He was there until the age of three.
At such a point he was taken out and move to a better facility, this body was born 3 years later.
Best as I can understand, he was abused pretty badly there, and in turn, in his mind he convinced himself that to "help" me, he had to "harm" me to "help" me understand the inherent dangers and hostility of the universe, which was something I absolutely understood, from the farthest moments I can remember, I instinctively defended myself from harm by avoiding things that were harmful. I never really fought since I didn’t believe in fighting, I believed in avoiding fights, the people who fight have the right to fight one another, I simply choose not to care about them, at all. So I never got into trouble in that way. I was sort of "out there" because when I sensed hostility from others I immediately left, that is to say, my soul vanished into this dissociative state and I started to unconsciously channel from my higher self. I lied and directed the conversations away from topics that would "harm" me, that is to say, conversations where as a result of the path the conversation has taken I would have to take in a paradigm that is not something which I feel is what I want the most. So instead of colliding with others, I simply guided them away from forcing me to do anything. I chose to avoid them entirely.
That is how I survived my childhood, it was a relatively good time since I had phenomenal abilities to simply calm others down and direct them away from topics which I would find harmful to me.
That includes talking to a childhood shrink for a year when I was "young" can’t remember when exactly, but the shrink never found out that I was abused and how badly my brother treated me. In a way I felt like his choices were his choices and if he didn’t want to come out and publically admit how much he hurts it’s his call. I will simply not let him influence me. I cry when he hurts me, but when I am somewhere else, as in the psych office, I am no longer unhappy. I am so in the moment that I literally feel just like I normally would. I know life is a combination of painful and pleasurable impulses and you have to sort between the two with your internal defensive systems to get to the outcome you want. There is no evil, as such.
Now, the real trauma I have, is both the combination of the bad childhood, which is not so important. And, what is critically important is how good I was at defending myself. In my 20 years of going around the world and talking with people, it is very rare to see someone with such an ability to dissociate and defend themselves from psychological and spiritual harm.
Now, what really cast me into this web of self hurt that I’ve been sort of stuck with is this experience.
I am sitting in the nurses office in school, I’m complaining of a headache that I have (wanted to get out, school was crap, didn’t learn anything and simply was bullied every day for 10 years) So I did what I usually do, which is leave the situation but stay IN myself. Simply impress upon others that I have "left". That way, headaches worked wonders, I get to walk out, can’t be proven that I have or don’t have one, and can go to the forest or the park to play and actually interact with things I learn something from, like what sand really feels on a hot summer day.
The nurse talks with the other nurse and the lady turns to look at me, and this is where it goes odd.
I have this image of her looking in my eyes with a very piercing tone and saying "Maybe all your problems are due to sexual abuse" which catches me absolutely by surprise, even though I know it did happen, but getting through ALL my defenses and getting the idea "all your problems" as if there is such a thing called "problem" which is so untrue, there are only choices and circumstances.
Then there is this mental image of bright yellow and purple colors shifting and waving and dance and then I say something hurriedly thought of defensive stuff which puts her off her guard and she looks at her papers again, and my brain is a flash with adrenaline for the first time that I can remember in my entire life I am afraid. If there is a problem then there is WRONG and I am deeply afraid, it is no longer just pain and pleasure, choices and circumstances. But that there is such a thing as WRONG.
I leave the nurses office with a permission slip to go home, I sit down in the hallway and put my head down in my lap and feel absolutely shattered, my life now "sucks" and I know it "sucks" because I have "problems" I must "fix". Instead of my life being neutral and it being neutral because it lacks all inherent meaning that is separate from me as the observer and there are only pleasurable choices, and painful choices.
So my entire world view is shattered, I remember that THEN and ONLY then did the thought of there being a "wrong" person or WRONG anything at all enter my mind, and I was about 11. Up until then I had always known it is just relative that all evil is relative, all good is relative, it is just choices and those who intentionally seek pleasure for self and are absolutely indifferent to others, and those who instinctively seek pleasure for the self through others.
That is my view of the STS and STO concept, that at this level the defining attribute is what do you want, do you work on your own and simply enjoy life and all things around you as they are without any moral judgments. Or do you seek to "heal" or "fix" or "change" it.
Up until then I never saw a need to fix everything or anything, up until such a time even with the sexual abuse, violence, intense stress, fathers depression and mothers issues, I never felt the need to fix anything, I was simply observing the people and saying to myself "they all hurt, and they have chosen to hurt, instead of trying to force them to make another choice, I will simply move towards those that don’t hurt."
After that I have spent my life moving towards those that hurt, in an effort to "move" them to an area that does not "hurt".
The nurse, in my view, brainwashed me to a STS oriented world view, but it never really stuck because it was always slightly "loose".
This all happened almost 15 years ago from today.
And for the past 3 days I've been having feelings of possession, of regret, of mirroring all my hatred back to me, mirroring all my love back to me, of return to the state of pre-wrong innocence.
Last night I went to bed, and I thought to myself. "I want to feel good" "none of this makes any sense" "there has to be something wrong with this" Thinking to myself that there must be a fault SOMEWHERE and I’m not sure where, because I can’t integrate a successful picture of the pieces I have, so I individually go through them until I find the piece that doesn’t fit, the idea that doesn’t harmonize with the others.
Then I had this buzzing feeling in my brain, like someone had shot a voltage through it, every time I had a negative thought about myself I felt awful, every time I just thought "tis all just all that it is, no connection to anything" I felt at bliss. This continued for roughly as I would imagine, a few minutes to a hour, not sure. Then I eventually started to feel no pain at all, no self blame, it’s all just an illusion, and I accepted it all as such, as it is the only realistic way to integrate all I know about physics and the world. That it HAS to be a dream, all of it.
More and more adept I became at holding my mind in place. That is to say, not moving my mind at all. I experienced this pure white bliss with a constant buzzing like sound in my ears, a sense of no heartbeat followed by a sharp electrical shock in my chest and a feeling of adrenaline, followed again by the same state of peace and a few more shocks, and then nothing but the peace.
Then I was in this realm with this kind of white yellow golden energy gently floating about but still staying in form, simply because it all WANTS to stay in form, nothing is holding it there but it just wants to stay in place. I would describe it as a world where you are viewing liquid gold and honey in a state where gravity is significantly less but EM fields are far far stronger than this reality. Everything felt "light" as in, literally having little weight, but intensely energetic and "hot" but still nice to touch. I realize that had my physical body resided in such a dimension it would most likely explode in a brilliant ball of light in the pressure in a small fusion explosion. Or that is what it felt like.
In this realm there were these entities that floated, one came to me that was both a man in a golden robe and no man at all, it shifted back and forth automatically as soon as I thought of one or the other. I talked with it for several hours and we discussed my life, my choices, what happens after death. We are all one soul btw, but this world has many souls but the universe, as we know it to be today, is, according to the vision that this entity provided for me. Almost entirely empty.
According to the vision of this vision, it is at THIS MOMENT only inhabited by the "human" spirit, which is who I was at that side, I was the "human" soul without attachment to anybody or concept. The universe is, according to what I saw, composed of a inherently complex fractal pattern which continues on for an eternity, every black hole opens up a new dimension of existence and a new future. It continues like this forever, and all spirits that have ever entered this orb will always have a memory of them INSIDE the orb. So. From my view, I am now the only human in existence, you are all memories. BUT due to our nature as significantly higher entity beings, the reality is that you are all also real, but you are real when you are in this orb, when you are not, you are a memory of the person that is in the orb at the moment.
For all intents and purposes, the orb only has one human soul at the moment. AS when a soul enters into it, it becomes "human soul" While in reality it is just "soul" and many souls can enter in succession, but I saw I entered it alone. So, it isn’t in the way that many might think, that you are enter into it at 2011 and leave at say, 2012 and when someone enters in after you they start at 2012 and continue to say, 2020 and so on. No, that is not how it works.
IT works that when I enter it, I pick a random point in the entire human evolution, which btw extends forward in history several billion years from t his moment, we will not die as a species but we will by our end convert all matter in the universe into a single calculation device, move our spirits there and experience nothing but eternal joy for all eternity. AS the purpose of any orb is to convert all the matter in that orb into pure joy. And us humans like dem technical ways, to put it mildly. So out evolution will slowly advance towards a singularity and from that a ever expanding fleet of faster than light nanobots that contain a neural net connected via quantum entanglement to all other nanobots and all nanobots are the size of 1:1000 or less of one normal cell and can communicate with any nanobot at any distance instantly. Such a fleet of nanites will eventually extend outward from the earth, first in a semi controlled manner and then get totally out of hand as all restrictions collapse and we will convert all matter in the universe into one brain. And this orb will then turn pure white.
But due to the nature of the fractal and the difficulty of it all, this orb is still in the dark dark purple and almost black golden color. It is in its infancy yet, most of it lacks color (black) and the parts that do have this weird illusion that there is such a thing as wrong. So, this is one of the most difficult orbs out there, life is on ONE planet only and that planet is very difficult to stay in as a soul. That is why more than 90% of pregnancies end in miscarriages methinks, the soul doesn’t want to stay once it has a taste of what this place tastes like.
I am now in this orb, and I am living here and changing the orb by "just chillin and enjoying my life" and eventually brightening it by a bit, and throughout the billions of years that humanity will evolve, my words will result in a marked change in how it all plays out, art, music, literature, all will take a more positive tone, if I simply enjoy my life, if I don’t, then they will grow darker.
The challenge on this level is to maintain your positivity, in knowing that there is absolutely no reason ever to maintain it. It doesn’t matter AT ALL. So there is never a shame, or a wrong answer. IT is like a play where no mistake is ever a mistake, a free theater of sorts.
I understood that I have acted towards others the way my brother acted towards me, the way the people in daycare acted towards him, and so on. All perpetuating the myth of a mistake, there is no such thing.
The wall of all my misdeeds and wrong actions washed over me and I felt a sharp electrical shock on my heart and the pillow on my face felt like it was tingling with small lightning bolts arching back and forth in the fabric and playing with my face. That I died of happiness and my heart needs to be shocked back to living because it all just felt so good. I was just lying there on my side, entirely and completely aware of how it all works, as far as I can be aware entirely and completely, since by comparison, my spirit is possibly 2-3 days old at the level where I was at, and some of the spirits I saw where about 30 by their comparative timing. And I’m 27 now, and with all my experience and working, I was the equivalent of a talking baby. It all felt so good, to know that no matter how it all plays out, the best I can do is to just enjoy myself, just do what I get the most pleasure from.
I'm not sure what else I did but I remember the hall/house/room with this orb, while I was aware that there were other orbs, and that black orb looked insanely beautiful. The spirit looked at me and said you don’t have to go back anymore. And I said I'm okay with it, I want to, I want to finish my job as the best I can, I started it by damn you'll see that I'll finish it with a BANG! Now that I know that there is a entirely logical reason for all of this!
And my awareness moved to the orb, and it was about the same size of a soul, bout 70-80 cm in diameter and I looked at the spirit, and there were others now standing next to it and I said "aren’t you supposed to go like NOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!! and reach our your hand to stop me"
and they said.
"We won’t, because it is your choice to go back."
Then I snap back to reality lying on my left side on my bed and I feel intensely afraid, my body is in a state of shock and most of my body both hurts and doesn’t hurt. It is like my brain is more hurt than anything else, it is afraid of where exactly the signal vanished off to. Like for it, it was all over. And I return my awareness from the spiritual realm back to my physical body and I feel all the demons and possession re-attach them to me, and I observe them as they attach back again, what memories they are linked to, how my thinking changes when they do, and so on. After all, they are only a part of me, and trying to "drive" them away only causes pain, I know I tried both before and after the experience. They are ME, so I make no effort to resist as I haven’t for a few hours. As soon as I start resisting the demonic aspect of myself, my normal personality slowly climbs back to my mind and I return back to who I am.
I sit up in the bed and feel healthy, I have demons but I don’t care, my choice is to live a life where said demons will no longer be needed and thus THEY can let go of ME. I choose to return to the path I had before, where there is no evil, no good. And to get there I must accept where I am now, without judgment.
I learned to love my demons, they taught me so much because they reflected my own hate so much, they reflected the hate that the nurse playced(somehow the spirit from the other side said that this word is more apt than placed or played) in my mind. And to change my past I have to change my future. To change my future I have to accept my past. IT was the first real deep soul level mistake I made, there were others after it, but it was the first one, and the only one that really mattered, as it placed the concept of "a mistake" or "problem" in my mind.
Now I know that there never is a mistake, or a problem. All that it amounts to is a 80 cm orb in a higher plane on a pedestal. It is a orb that looks like a polished peace(spelling intentional) of glass and crystal with a infinitely progressing layers of "shards" that reflect with absolute clarity. So when a soul is placed inside, the light it shines reflects back from the shards, surfaces and walls around it. The trick is to eventually learn to control your mind and your minds random impulses and use those to form something pretty. The harder it is, the earlier it is, the bigger the influence, the later it is the smaller the influence. I choose a point that is virtually at the birth of it all. Human history will advance for a few more billion years. And we will all be remembered by the future generations as incredible giants. The mind management abilities we all have, due to the virtue of being in a PURELY biological body with NO direct control via a machine interface is something that causes future generations to look at us in much the same way as we look at the first monkeys to develop speech. It is a fucking incredibly achievement. Just being able to smash two rocks together is, from their point of view, incredible. The level of control that you have to have, over your own thoughts, on this level, is insane.
One "wrong" thought and you'll make a lifetime long "mistake"
So, never worry, never fear, and know that even smashing two rocks together is a feat that will be applauded by billions for billions of years to come.
Saying "don’t worry" or "have a nice day" will be worthy of an opera, and there will be operas of all your days of all your moments, except the once that you want to keep private. You CAN hold secrets, if you want. But the way that place works is that you don’t want to.
In closing, I am okay, 15 hours after the experience. I have no serious heart conditions and while I am slightly nervous now, I do feel the need to sleep soon. I am aware of who I am, my name, gender, age and all relevant details and can function without any problems. So not asking for help, just wanted to share something.
It could just be a random dream visual, a Ayahuasca flashback (very unlikely, never seen anything even remotely like this, ever, on Ayahuasca or not), I did smoke pot but I’ve done that as much as I want for 4 months and the closest similarity I can think of is when I fall asleep I sometimes see a businessman with a pale face asking me what dream I Want to see now. Beyond that I have no experience to compare this to and can find no other reason besides the strong desireful application of my willpower for both personal development, happiness and willpower, combined with MANY fortuitous circumstances.
I could write more about what I feel but I’ll rather keep this relatively short.
