WOW everyone, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel so blessed and loved by this community. I really do. Thank you thank you thank you all.. your support helped me get through.
I am doing better now. In fact, I feel like a new man. There is a lightness in my being now, a sense of relief and peace that is indescribable.
I realize now, upon reflection, what happened that day. I had been meditating a lot over the last week and pondering deeply many things. I finally made a visit to a Sikh Gurdwara a couple days before where I made my peace, once and for all with traditional religion. I thanked Guru Nanak as I breathed in for his universal love and blessings, and as I breathed out I forgave all of those dark ones that twisted the teaches of genuine Light-bringers -- most poignantly Nanak, but others I'm sure you can guess -- and even those who outright created negative religions. This is something that I really needed to do as I had been carrying alot of pain around about the corruptions.
That was just the backdrop and why I'd been meditating so much. The day I posted this thread, I received some intense negative catalyst where I was badly misjudged and mistreated by someone who was supposed to be very spiritual. I realize now that was a message to help me better see how much my own-self judgement was affecting me, and that it wasn't fair either. He was simply an outer mirror. Later that day I had a profound meditation at one of the sacred sites on earth, Glastonbury Tor.
Though it wasn't clear at the time, thanks to some research and extremely helpful advice and clarity from some of my friends from Bring4th, most notably Monica, I realize what has happened.
I believe an extremely large energy blockage or psychic knot has cleared. It cleared violently though. I now feel like a large and painful splinter has been removed and I feel so much better, but still raw and throbbing from the site, if that makes sense.
You see, I have had this problem where I take on the burdens of others, without meaning to. I mean, I help them but I see I have been actually absorbing their emotional energy at the same time. Many people depend on me, and go to me for advice or to talk about their troubles. I'm sensitive to their pain, their frustrations, their suffering. I always try to help, but I realize now I have actually been TAKING ON their burdens energetically. Beyond just that, the weight of the world..the wider issues, I took them all on and owned the energy as if it was my own. This is not something I intended to do, it just...happened. I long to relieve suffering, for whatever reason, and this just happened over many years.
I also evidently have a lot of self-judgement issues and am just far too hard on myself. Not enough self forgiveness and love and those issues arose too in my meditations.
This energy blockage had to do with all of these things... there was this great rush of emotion and energy and it just kept flowing and flowing and flowing. It was like all that pain, all those people in fear and upset and stressed that I had taken on over the years just kept coursing through..and then out .. of me. I could not stop weeping, and I am a person who very rarely cries. For hours, all through the night it lasted. It was like I was being electrified and I couldn't see straight, nothing made sense, it was an absolute maelstrom. I could not sleep, and in fact I did not. But when the dawn broke, it stopped. And then I felt relief. Serenity, peace. I immersed myself in water and it was as if I had been reborn.
I went through the next day exhausted but peaceful. Synchronicities flowed from everywhere, it was like there was a message about these things for me everywhere I turned. In the voices of children, in the clouds, in random signs. I finally got back to my wife and she soothed me and shared her loving energy with me, and this allowed me to finally sleep. But by then the psychic fever had already broken.
I have been so happy today. There is a lightness I have felt... And I've already had several situations where I have helped people but NOT 'owned that energy'. I seem to have discovered, almost magically, that balance where I can help without tying up my own energy field.
I feel like things will never be the same for me -- in a good way. Whatever came unblocked, is gone. I hope I didn't eject that negative energy into the world, or into Gaia.. but I can tell it is no longer with me. My burdens, my energy, my troubles are now my own.
But this doesn't mean I'll stop caring!
I want to thank you all. In the height of my despair and confusion... remember I didn't know what was even happening.... I needed support. Soon after I posted, I started feeling help coming, it was as if a hundred angels were singing to me as I was tossed around on the ocean of energy I was feeling. And those voices were your voices.
Monica brought me the first torch of understanding, but others soon followed. I don't know how I would have done it without your love and help.
2012 sure is starting out magical for me. Now I think I'm going to go race my dogs to the pond. Something tells me they would enjoy that and I feel like laughing. I'm free
Thank you my brothers and sisters, thank you.
Love to all
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with the exception of a capital p that is.