Bring4th

I'm not sure I'm a wanderer in the sense that I am from "somewhere else" - some other planet or place. Carla says in Chapter One of A Wanderer's Handbook:

Whether we style ourselves as ETs or Earth natives, we are those who have awakened spiritually to wander in search of our source and ending. We have awakened to the beauty and the high principles of unity, service and love, and we are searching for ways to bring these elements into our everyday life."

By that definition, I am a Wanderer born into a long line of Wanderers. My parents were ministers both in vocation and in personality. The charitable religious organization in which they were ordained required both partners to serve in equal capacity, and not hold any other job. Because of this requirement, the children of these ministers literally grow up "inside" the church and often follow in their parents footsteps of service. This is exactly what my Mom did, her parents were ministers, and several of my Aunts, Uncles, siblings and cousins have followed that same path.

I, however, am not one of those children. Yes, I did grow up in the church and I studied, sang, taught, and helped carry out the charitable side of the church's mission. But I also questioned! "So when God banished Cain for killing Able, who were those people he met and married?" And I reasoned! When my Dad was upset about the "big bang theory" being taught in school, I wondered, "Daddy, why can't the theory be compatible with what we learn in Sunday School? I can imagine it happening. 'God said let there be light!' And BANG (imagine sound of hand clapping loudly) there was light!" And so on.

My parents and grandparents also sincerely believed and lived their belief that we are all children of the one infinite Creator. In fact our church doctrines say something about one God, creator of all, infinitely perfect . . . . And we were taught that our highest calling is to share with everyone the love that Christ showed us by his example. Not judging, just loving. Love God first and your neighbor as yourself, and your neighbor is defined as everyone else in the world.

Still, my reasoning, my life experiences and my personal interpretations of Bible studies taught me things that weren't exactly in line with what I was taught to believe. I actually remembered the moment of my conception. Imagine my Mom's surprise when her little girl told her about watching her and my Dad "making me" and how happy I was that I chose them to be my parents. From a young age I recalled being another person, a grown up person, with vivid memories of episodes from that lifetime. I was "different". Different from other kids because of my parent’s vocation and different from my family because I didn't quite understand their gospel the same way they did. But I never felt alone. Rather I never WAS alone! I always had "helpers", guardian angels, spirit guides, animal totems, all around me, all the time. There were always there helping me help Mom, who had a very severe form of Ra. And help Dad, who had his hands full with 4 kids, Mom’s illness, and a full time ministry. Together they were living lessons in sharing, giving, serving and above all else, loving.

The Ra Material, for me, was just another confirmation of what I call “the truth” about this life. It came to me at a time that I was letting go of a friendship that seemed always to spur me into taking “negative” actions, and had just made a very painful decision to close the door on another special relationship.
The material was my confirmation that the steps I was taking would get back on my right path of sharing Creator’s love.

And while I recognize that this story is a bit long, it really is only the tip of the iceberg. I’m pretty old (although not as old as norral) and I’ve had a pretty amazing ride so far. Can’t wait to see what Creator brings me next. Bet it’s going to be pretty freaking amazing!

What a beautiful story Ruth.

It is so totally cool that you remembered your "conception" and that you chose your parents!

Thank you.

Ah, so that explains your shining, support nature, Ruth! A lineage of humility, love, positive piety, and ideals of service and brotherhood more universal than the ordinary run-of-the-mill Earth variety.

And that post was not by any measurement "long", especially considering that it's a window into a lifetime. This is your story, Ruth, and this sub-forum is the place to devote a space for the unreserved sharing of you. So if there's more to that iceberg you'd like to share, I for one am interested. = )

Ruth you are awesome.

(05-07-2012, 03:05 PM)Observer Wrote: [ -> ]Ruth you are awesome.

LOL - no more than any other face of Creator, Observer. But hey, thanks for the thought.


Today I have been going through the boxes and boxes of "stuff" I have collected. All the papers that represent memories of people's lives. For example, letters written to my Dad after Mom died - there is one file box almost full of these letters and cards. Mom had a really big impact on many, many lives. I know for sure that I haven't "done" as much as she did for others, nor have I been as shining an example of Creator's love.

But I did remember today why I selected her to be my Mom.

And why was that?

(05-07-2012, 04:59 PM)Observer Wrote: [ -> ]And why was that?

It's difficult to tell you that in just a few words other than to say that I chose her because I knew she would be an excellent example/teacher of Creator's love. And she was, indeed, very fine teacher by example! I chose well!

You are a great teacher Ruth. You shine brilliantly and i'm sure your mother shined just as bright.
Love and light sister.

It feels good to know that you're loved, and never alone.

(05-11-2012, 02:59 PM)Charles Wrote: [ -> ]It feels good to know that you're loved, and never alone.

Ruth Wrote:'God said let there be light!' And BANG (imagine sound of hand clapping loudly) there was light!"

That brought a smile out

Thank you for sharing ya story Ruth .)

Welcome Ruth
and thanks for being here!

I'm posting this here in my wanderer story instead of in "The Mysterious Nature of Time" because it is another small moment of my story. This is for Confused. . . . .


I was 26 years old, had been married for six years, and had a 3 year old son. My husband had been out of town for a business trip, gone for about 15 days. This was an annual trip, to order merchandise for our retail store. I had tried to call my husband while he was away to discuss a problem with an employee, but found he was not registered at the hotel where I believed he was staying.

I had begun to realize already that the marriage was in trouble, and had discussed this with my husband a few weeks before he left for the trip. He was away over Valentine’s day (a big deal in the US) but he had flowers delivered to me, and a beautiful heart shaped diamond ring. Before he left we also put money down to purchase our first home.
When he got back to town, he actually went to the attorney’s office before coming home and filed for a divorce. When he arrived home and told me, I was stunned, to say the least. When I called my best friend to tell her, she wasn’t surprised, and hinted that he had been seeing several other women. I wasn’t ready to believe that, nor to believe that the marriage would end. We actually continued to live together while we got things sorted out.

A couple of days later, the florist called about the bill for the flowers, seems they had been unable to deliver the flowers to the NEW YORK CITY address (we lived in Texas). I thought there must be a mistake, but took a message and promised to have him call when he arrived home. When I told him about the call, he confessed that he had been seeing a woman for 3 years and had been staying with her whenever he went to market in New York, which is why I couldn’t reach him at the hotel when I tried calling (this was before we had cell phones).

I was finally ANGRY! He used the phone in the kitchen, where I was preparing dinner, to call the florist. I had a great big butcher knife in my hand, and the rage, humiliation, hurt all welled up inside me. It would be very easy for me to stab him, cut him, kill him. He had his back to me. My son was next door at a friend’s. I can’t really describe for you how I felt – that shadow self really wanted to take action and kill this man.
But in that moment, I could see that I had a choice. I could see the sequence of events that would follow from such an action. I could see the price that would be paid. And I decided on a different course of action.

I tapped this man on the shoulder, this man who had been my husband, and told him he needed to leave the apartment that moment and not come back.

He looked at me. He looked at the knife. And he left.

There is always a choice.

I was kind of hoping you stabbed him and buried his body in the backyard lol.

We lived in an apartment. I'd have had to drag him about a block to find any spot big enough. LOL!

(07-21-2012, 11:45 PM)Ruth Wrote: [ -> ]We lived in an apartment. I'd have had to drag him about a block to find any spot big enough. LOL!

That is what carpets are for hehe.

He wasn't worth the effort.

(07-21-2012, 11:38 PM)Ruth Wrote: [ -> ]I'm posting this here in my wanderer story instead of in "The Mysterious Nature of Time" because it is another small moment of my story. This is for Confused. . . . .


I was 26 years old, had been married for six years, and had a 3 year old son. My husband had been out of town for a business trip, gone for about 15 days. This was an annual trip, to order merchandise for our retail store. I had tried to call my husband while he was away to discuss a problem with an employee, but found he was not registered at the hotel where I believed he was staying.

I had begun to realize already that the marriage was in trouble, and had discussed this with my husband a few weeks before he left for the trip. He was away over Valentine’s day (a big deal in the US) but he had flowers delivered to me, and a beautiful heart shaped diamond ring. Before he left we also put money down to purchase our first home.
When he got back to town, he actually went to the attorney’s office before coming home and filed for a divorce. When he arrived home and told me, I was stunned, to say the least. When I called my best friend to tell her, she wasn’t surprised, and hinted that he had been seeing several other women. I wasn’t ready to believe that, nor to believe that the marriage would end. We actually continued to live together while we got things sorted out.

A couple of days later, the florist called about the bill for the flowers, seems they had been unable to deliver the flowers to the NEW YORK CITY address (we lived in Texas). I thought there must be a mistake, but took a message and promised to have him call when he arrived home. When I told him about the call, he confessed that he had been seeing a woman for 3 years and had been staying with her whenever he went to market in New York, which is why I couldn’t reach him at the hotel when I tried calling (this was before we had cell phones).

I was finally ANGRY! He used the phone in the kitchen, where I was preparing dinner, to call the florist. I had a great big butcher knife in my hand, and the rage, humiliation, hurt all welled up inside me. It would be very easy for me to stab him, cut him, kill him. He had his back to me. My son was next door at a friend’s. I can’t really describe for you how I felt – that shadow self really wanted to take action and kill this man.
But in that moment, I could see that I had a choice. I could see the sequence of events that would follow from such an action. I could see the price that would be paid. And I decided on a different course of action.

I tapped this man on the shoulder, this man who had been my husband, and told him he needed to leave the apartment that moment and not come back.

He looked at me. He looked at the knife. And he left.

There is always a choice.

Dear Ruth, please accept my very sincere thanks for posting your deeply personal story.
I am pretty happy for your then three year old son. If the Shadow had won the day, and I know that it can from personal experiences, then the life of your son might have become terrible. Moreover, I know you would have never been able to forgive yourself for acting against life in terms of snuffing one out.
All I will say is that human life is very difficult, especially when people whom you trust betray, and abuse. I have been on both sides of the fence.
I am very proud of you, Ruth!

I was thinking about your story, Ruth. I am really glad that you chose the path of non-violence towards the other-self and the self. Otherwise, you might have ended up in a mental mess like me, with the conscience hurting all the time and the moments passing by in fear and dread of the self and the world.

Thank yourself, Ruth, for you saved you and your loved ones a lot of bother. I really really am proud and happy for you. Thank you also for having the depth of courage to post such a sensitive topic in a public forum.

I'm happy about it, too, Confused. I wish I could really share with you that one crystal moment when I could see the possible future that would unfold if I allowed that shadow self to act. It was like seeing eternity in a flash. Only a millisecond of our "time" passed, yet in my sight time stood still and I could see many, many, many possibilities. It was certainly a pivot point for my life.

And that is not to say that I haven't done things since for which I feel regret. I have.

I wonder why you feel it is brave of me to post my story? I felt it might help, so I give it freely.

(07-23-2012, 10:23 AM)Ruth Wrote: [ -> ]I wonder why you feel it is brave of me to post my story?

B4th has been and is such a loving and accepting therapeutic place that I think many, including me, have got used to baring our souls here, with warm comfort. Usually, people do not reveal such intimate psychological moments to even their personal therapists in the first few instances.

We all carry rigid masks, hiding many internal tribulations and paradoxes, while moving about in general society. B4th is a place where we are able to gently lower those masks. In other words, B4th is acting as a wonderful conduit for us to become whole and integrated, rather than fragmented and divided. As Jesus said, a house internally divided cannot stand!