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Oh Hi am Lycen, pleased to meet you all hehe
Here is a little of my story (life wise).
NB: I think this maybe quite long Angel


In 2008 I graduated from a Maritime school withe a high school diploma and and papers to a be a seamen. That school broke me once, it was an awesome learning experience. It left physical and mental scars. Which to one degree or a another have healed but not totally. I am thankful for that time, it was nessessary, I think.

Shortly after I "came upon" a book called "Rich Dad's Before You Quit Your Job"
Boy was I exited I read it withe out stop and had mind blowing realizations. Like I do not have to work underneath someone to earn money. I can make my own business and be my own boss taking orders from no one. It was everything I hoped for in that moment, fresh out of school and needing a way for future. But more importantly It talked about fear, how it has control over everything we do. And It was a very profound realization to me.
"Everything I do is controlled by fear!"

I contemplated over my whole life and saw that I had done oh so many choice's out of fear. I was stunned.. "How could something so BIG been under my nose all the time withe out me seeing it??" Then the inevitable question which opened the way for all crept up.. "..What more is there that I do not know about?"

I essentially became a half full cup, started to look at things withe new eyes questioning everything what we do and why. Then looked inward and started thinking why do I do this and that? I started questioning everything I did, thinking why I did it where, did I get this idea?? So so many questions started to arise and I understood that much what I knew I took for granted.
Realization: "I did and thought things withe out really knowing why I did so."

At the time I also wanted to become a millionaire, live a life withe out having to work from 9 to 5 for the rest of my life. I despised the idea of having to work under someone and waste my day doing "work" when I could do what I want being rich. So getting a job after reading that book was out of the question. How to get rich was the new cool kid on the block. So I was on a "high" from the book. It was like I knew this BIG secret that no one els knew I felt elite. And I acted quite accordingly, withe the fear realization and work knowledge combination. I mused my self to the petty squabbels of others and their silly fears and lack of knowing. Of course it was in the inside I did it, being friendly outwardly. I was gonna get rich and the same time know more than others. Live a life where I do what I want and when I want it never having to worry about having little money..

Cant quite remember at this moment but somewhere I heard or saw the title of a film named "Zeitgeist". I put it on a "list to look at movies" and it sat there for maybe a few months. Until one time when I was feeling down, dint know what I wanted. So reluctantly I started watching it having no real thought's about this movie. Just doing something to keep the head busy. Once again my mind was blown! Conspiracies, everything I knew was an engineered illusion by men withe awesome power. I started pretty much preaching it or trying to impress and make people understand whats going on. WAKE UP YOU SHEEP!!!
It was once again a totally new world that I saw. Even when I was not bloated withe ego at some point. Trying to explain, that what we thought we knew were all carefully crafted lies by men who dominate the world behind shadows. Didn't go as I had imagined.

My parents were not receptive of the idea, every time I spoke about something "weird" I was the recipient of angry feelings usually. Most friends thought I was joking and/or weird.. it was a fine line to walk. So I stopped at some point trying so hard to preach. Instead I started watching all conspiracy related movies.

Everyday I watched everything that sparked my interest even a little. I got to know so much things I felt. Thought I knew more than others, unbelievable things that I knew that most had no clue of. During that time I played lots of video games too, to escape the grim reality what is going on around the world. Well video games have been withe me from childhood, so has tv since my dad used to watch it a lot. It was a weird time like any other hehe.
But it was hard to know all those things and not know what to do about em. Silent desperation seeped in, the world felt like such a dark place and we were being led to slaughter. But I socialized also to keep my self "steady". Quite a few times I told one of my friend who I could actually talk about these things that "If I always thought about these happenings, I would go crazy".

I was rebellious, food was poison, so was water, things people did were programmed in their head. It angered me greatly that my parents tried to make me behave like them. I just discovered I was programmed since I was a child. Now while I try understand the world through my own senses, trying to figure out what are my own thoughts. They want me to do what they say. There was a lot of anger.
I aimed to be receptive to what could be truth and block the rest. Even when I felt resistance to an idea which conflicted withe my own I had enough wisdom to hear or watch it still withe out judging it then and there. In that I was blessed withe a little wisdom. So on and off I felt good then bad, was high was low. Thought of my self as a very wise man, feeling like I was old, because I knew so much.

After my fake spiritual ego bubble burst, as the frustration had been building for a while trying to act like nothing can kick you out of balance when your mind is screaming behind your fake smile. I even remember the day it happened. I was walking out side and I got annoyed at something. Then I heard thoughts and images how I had been behaving weak, all the time while being fake friendly and so. Then and there I accepted the thought "F"#% that, I have had enough of acting like I cant lift a freaking rock!!" And I stopped being fake spiritual just like that, guess I became the normal selfish person again, more or less. The spiritual ego developed I think because of all the digging inside and I found so so much about my self.

So after that I was still seeking something, though I was confused. I was getting pieces of the puzzle, but when will it end? Read this see that, it gives you new knowledge but when will it end? Will this be IT? Such is life? Chasing this and that trying to find TRUTH in a an ocean of personal beliefs, false info, lies and so on. How will I ever KNOW withe out question something? I just can't take some ones word for something. I need to KNOW it! REALIZE it! Not just think it is so. That's how I felt, hearing words spoken, which to blindly believe just because it sounds good, was no good. In the end if I don't know, doubt will creep in like it did many a times..

I needed inside knowledge, literally. I had been putting this idea off quite some time. That, somehow I had to acquire wisdom/truth inside my self because, that is the only true source I can trust withe out doubt. This was always in the back of my mind like a fall back plan when I got totally lost on what I should do.

Out of body experience a book "William Buhlman -- Adventures Beyond The Body".
This was the answer to my prayers, it was the first time I read about astral projection. I dint understand what this was before, even though I had heard about out of body experiences and even astral projection. But it dint mean anything to me. The book instantly clicked "I can go out of body and experience things I need to learn from higher realms and my guides!!". It was perfect I was so exited, read the book in 2 days I think. And once more after that. SO after finding what seemed exactly what I was looking for, what did I do? I looked for MORE.. withe out using the knowledge I gained. Stored it in my "happy place" to remind my self that I have a ticket to do what I want but I wont use it yet first I need to know a lot more uh uhh.

Well after a lot more exploring of said subject, I moved to practical, I actually utilized what I learned. Dreams became very important and trying to stay awake while drifting off also. It was a interesting time withe many awesome experiences. Still to this day I record my dreams everyday, thanks to that time.
But interest waned and expectations where great. I slowly did less and less till only recording my dreams was left.

Things happened, my sister got a baby, my parent divorced and I was still confused. Material life crept back, subtly and for a while I could distract my self.
Feeling lost once again, in anguish, searching for something I stumbled upon the Ra sessions. Something in there rung my inner bell, it felt right.
I read a lot, losing myself in it. The initial buzz wore off maybe in 23-rd session. After that I read about 3 sessions a day sometimes less, more or none at all. With a online dictionary BigSmile I made it through all.

I did not get the main thing figured out (yet) in those sessions but I felt great truth in there.
"Just an other signpost" I though in the end, as the material was read and doubt reared its ugly head after a while.

Back to normal selfish life. I started to recognize a pattern here.. Times of lots of spirituality then a lot of material. Still I rode the wave of despair till it hurt too much. Had books on my computer which I had not read. With need, searched through em till I read "The Children of the Law of One & the Lost Teachings of Atlantis"..

BOOM Tongue (you still awake there?)

In short I found it to be the greatest concentration of truth thus far I had found. I read zealously it was an emotional experience. I cried realizing how selfishly I lived. I wanted to understand god, be the servant of light. Be lower than dirt, humble, compassionate, caring, giving!! Do be UNSELFISH!! BigSmile

Remembering my past "failures" I was very conscious of my thoughts and actions. So to be steady this time. I started to develop those virtues slowly and the same time started meditating a lot. I wanted to stop at least 8 times, in two of them I gave up for a second in my mind, but rebound as the fear was calmed somehow. But I lacked an income, have to sort out the earthly things. Living withe my mother, being a burden. After about two months of tribulations I felt that I had established it as a habit.

Saw that this was my chance to start a life of my own. Having accepted, that spirituality is not the knowing but acting. "I can work and evolve spiritually the same time!" The curious fear of going to work remained but the main block was removed. My concept of thinking. So even though I felt great fear, rationally I did not see why it persisted. So I got work in my hometown. (to clarify I have tried careers before and a lot of odd jobs) Like every other job before that it felt scary. Fear was constantly in the back of my mind, every morning had to muster my courage. But this was my choice and I was going to stick it out. (contract work for 2 months, with the chance of hire when its done)

I was quite the different person from my old self there. Tried keeping to my meditation and eating schedule (at appropriate moments). Always being in the moment and sincerely caring about others more than my self.
And I kept that up to the end of the contract. People thought me religious and was asked that more than once. I did not have a good answer as it was true and false.
The stress proved to much to handle though. Withe trying to keep true to my spiritual side and then work as well. So little time remained.
I could not effectively release the pressure that was building..

I found eating gave pleasure, so I ate more and more. Came home from work and ate more than I did for the whole day. It was the only release that brought even a moment of peace to my mind. I was very strict withe my self (no tv, no games, no alcohol) basically nothing that I consider could hamper my progress.
I understood it was bad for me but the fear was well nourished.

After the contract ended I was done. I was glad to get away from there. But the damage was done and for over 2 months after, I ate oh so much. I was like a crazy person, I knew it wrong and yet still did it. I gave in so much. At one point I ate so much that I felt about to puke. It was a vicious circle fearing not to eat and creating more fear, by eating and fearing what will happen to me, If I keep this up. It was terrible place to be no matter how much I understood this was wrong, fear overrode all sense. Did everything I could think off to stop this for good. None seemed to work. Somehow It started to easy it self slowly, I returned to relative normal, eating wise. I have still have a normal body, weight wise, but my face did get out of hand a little *sigh*

The meditations were a sorta challenge to do for 5 months, I stopped 2-3 days short I think. The job ended 5 months a go.

Four days a go I had an experience, seemingly casual, it rocked me to the core. Made me reflect where I was and what I was doing in life. I did not like what I saw.
So once again I feel the need to understand. I believe this road is right for me.

Upon thinking back I rarely asked for help, if at all.. I am scared to make my self vulnerable. But the same time I ache to be loved, accepted for all my folly and flaws. I came here on a selfish reason, to be helped staying on the path. I find this sad, but I hope I will benefit somehow you all more than I can imagine!! BigSmile


Apologies for the mind numbing read I bet, but I thank you for reading it Smile

Now here are some smiles bring you energy and joy BigSmile TongueSmile



Lots of love Heart








Lycen - I'm still awake and wondering about the "seemingly casual" experience you had that rocked you to your core.

And by the way, you ARE LOVED, just as you are, with all your folly and flaws!

Love and light my friend!
Thank you Ruth that means a lot to me.

I heard my mother talk to my sister on the phone at work. I could tell by actually hearing and by her voice and and movements that. My sister was attacking her verbally because of me (I don't have a job, mother needs money). She reacted by hiding it and moving away from me, as not to hurt me.
That moved me very profoundly she understood something and showed understanding. So it seemed to me. Knowing that depleted me of energy and my mind went blank. While walking home I reflected on my life. And now here I am.

Shin'Ar

Lycen,

If there is one thing you should take with you from the writings of Jon Peniel it should be that there are many who have gone before you.

This walk, as difficult as it may seem in our present experience of it, is one short period in a very long walk that will comprise of many events and circumstances. And there are millions who have left this long behind them and now experience things in this universe that we cannot even begin to comprehend.

We all know how hard it is sometimes to live within the struggle, and many times we feel as though we cannot deal with it any longer.

The monks of the monastery where Peniel stayed came from all walks of life and found truth in understanding the meaning of life. But they also found that life was not something that they could hide from in isolation. Instead they learned what life experiences had to teach them beyond the actual instant affects.

What they learned was that many Ancient Ones have already been down this path and have much to offer as assistance.

Continue to seek their guidance. The teachings of those who have been there can be invaluable if we can sort out the truth from the perversions.

This is what the true Law of One teaches, and We, The Children of the Law of One, do not seek truth from within it, but we seek to discern truth by testing it.

There are many who choose to ignore the teachings of Jon Peniel because there is uncertainty about his true identity. Maybe that is exactly why he wrote as he did? In leaving behind the need for discernment, he also teaches the importance of it.

Thank you I feel encouraged by your words Shin'Ar.

I am but a bush in the stormy winds of life. Lacking wisdom I do foolish things but that's okay.
I would prefer nurturing my self to a strong tree, so the storms of life would not break me.
But I have yet to find rich soil withe shelter.

For a time I searched and wanted a monastic period in my life. Now I silently watch, keeping the though in the back of my mind.
If somehow the chance arises I am mentally prepared to go for it.

The author of that book said it well and many times. Need not believe what he says, but think for your self if what said, is sound.
At least that's the feeling I got reading it. Also emphasized that how you acted is important not what you knew. It feels right to me.

Quote:Continue to seek their guidance. The teachings of those who have been there can be invaluable if we can sort out the truth from the perversions.
Can you suggest something which you found useful on your journey? Am curious now Smile





Shin'Ar

(04-16-2012, 12:07 PM)Lycen Wrote: [ -> ]Thank you I feel encouraged by your words Shin'Ar.

I am but a bush in the stormy winds of life. Lacking wisdom I do foolish things but that's okay.
I would prefer nurturing my self to a strong tree, so the storms of life would not break me.
But I have yet to find rich soil withe shelter.

For a time I searched and wanted a monastic period in my life. Now I silently watch, keeping the though in the back of my mind.
If somehow the chance arises I am mentally prepared to go for it.

The author of that book said it well and many times. Need not believe what he says, but think for your self if what said, is sound.
At least that's the feeling I got reading it. Also emphasized that how you acted is important not what you knew. It feels right to me.

Quote:Continue to seek their guidance. The teachings of those who have been there can be invaluable if we can sort out the truth from the perversions.
Can you suggest something which you found useful on your journey? Am curious now Smile


Understand the 'field of consciousness' and how it relates to every form of creation.

Quote:Understand the 'field of consciousness' and how it relates to every form of creation.

I feel inadequate at the moment but I will ponder it.

Appreciated ZZzz
(04-16-2012, 12:07 PM)Lycen Wrote: [ -> ]Lacking wisdom I do foolish things but that's okay.

Ha, Lycen, the good news is that Third Density folk like us don't understand very much at all, by design.

Do seek wisdom, but know that you will do fine just stumbling around like most people.

Welcome to your new crowd.

Shin'Ar

(04-16-2012, 01:47 PM)Lycen Wrote: [ -> ]
Quote:Understand the 'field of consciousness' and how it relates to every form of creation.

I feel inadequate at the moment but I will ponder it.

Appreciated ZZzz

I invite you to visit my website. you may gain some insight there.

www.sacredeye.homestead.com
(04-16-2012, 07:41 PM)kycahi Wrote: [ -> ]
(04-16-2012, 12:07 PM)Lycen Wrote: [ -> ]Lacking wisdom I do foolish things but that's okay.

Ha, Lycen, the good news is that Third Density folk like us don't understand very much at all, by design.

Do seek wisdom, but know that you will do fine just stumbling around like most people.

Welcome to your new crowd.
BigSmile Thank you kycahi your acceptance means a lot!

Yes I agree, we cant see the biggest picture here, so we will stumble always. I find that great! There is always something, around the corner which may humble one hehe

Sometimes I forget, that's when life seems overwhelming, but all is perfect as it is Shy

Quote:I invite you to visit my website. you may gain some insight there.

http://www.sacredeye.homestead.com

Will do bro Smile gratias.







Balance is healing. I'm an acupuncturist, and balancing energies, is entirely all that is about. I'm a hypnotherapist, and balancing conscious and subconscious desires and interests is good health. I'm an artist, and balancing the action, the colors, the light, is necessary.

We need to balance our physical needs (food, clothing and shelter cost money), and our spiritual pursuits. It can be done. I've worn more than the three hats listed above, but if you look at them, you will see that all of them say self-employed. And that all of them require an education. And that none of them make me rich.

Great wealth can be a curse. I feel better off without it. But physical survival is calming, and calming is joyful, and joy is mind cleansing, and a clear mind is required to get through the weirdness of life, as well as the astonishment of Truth.

By Truth, I mean Reality, I mean inner spiritual pursuits.

You are here with purpose, and you are not alone. You are known and you are loved and you are understood and you are lovable. There are ways to meet your Elders, your Guide(s), your Teachers. You are never alone.
Truly excellent post Charles !

Heart
Welcome Charles! and Hi BigSmile

One day, when I am taking care of my self, I will look back at this moment in my life and be baffled. So much turmoil, selfishness, fear and unease.
I mean its draining the constant nagging feeling "Get your own life".

I feel anger boiling up :@ the pure insanity of where I have led my self and choose to stay, just makes me want to.. many things. I feel so helpless.. I dug my own hole, I know its there, yet choose to stare the ground ignoring the walls I have erected. I want to jump out in one great leap, I think. This is part of my problem, I look for the big things.
Its not all true, I have thoughts and actions which I hope will bring me the "reliability" that I seek. Have not give up, striving for something. Feels like I have tryed 4 years now and "failed" every time, I quess, my patience maybe be short in supply.
I would not mind that much I believe, if I was on my own. But I am not, my mother needs money now and since I am living here I should do something about that. The need to act now is distressing.

Sorry

I will get out, if I don't give up its just cause and effect. Have to keep my self together till then.
Thank you for contributing Charles I appreciate it much! Shy



Meerie

Is there something you would like to do, professionally?
which job would you like to have?
(05-01-2012, 04:15 AM)Meerie Wrote: [ -> ]Is there something you would like to do, professionally?
which job would you like to have?
Oh hi earther sis BigSmile

I know only what I would like to do is sing, travel, parkour, develop spiritually.
These are the things that pop to head, "why's?" of them are many.
Putting a profession together on those preferences, has been so far for me fruitless. Though feeling like its impossible, to find one like that has definitely been a hindrance on my part.
8 years a go I wanted to be police officer, after I could not, it became a blur. I quess has been and is still now.





Lycen, okay, so let me follow you.

You Are getting on with your own life my friend. Sitting on your ass may be the life you're in (at the moment) and combined with "so much turmoil, selfishness, fear and unease," your ass probably hurts.

A few basic spirit lessons:

We were made in Gods image. That image isn't visual (That One is All Things, every blade of grass, and No Thing, in the vacuum of space). That image has to do with our potential abilities. We each contain a spark of That One, and we each co-create our lives and our world. . . .

So what you think is true, is true.
When I find my mind thinking a negative, I put a hugh red X over it, and I change my mind. It's deliberate. Do it often enough, and it's habit.

Stop focusing on this hole you dug for yourself, focus instead on the ladder or the staircase you design. Start climbing upwards, and rest at the stops along the way. These rest stops may be the various jobs you have as you find yourSelf. One great leap may not be so wise, backs are broken that way. Take your time, focus upon the interest that holds you, and be flexible. That interest will change over time, so allow that. When selfish anger and fear dissipate, you'll be a new man, and you'll develop new interests. Allow that, and go along with yourSelf.

All of our experiences are good, from our soul perspective. We are here to learn and to grow, and the best lessons aren't easy. Business failures, accidents, family tensions, and tragedies, physical and emotional pains, are happening all around us. Accelerated learning seems to be required for many souls in this lifetime. Think of what you may need to learn (?), to be happy, to get a job, and to hold that job.

*Singing? Maybe a job singing commercials? Maybe you need an agent? Nightclubs?

*Animals? (mentioned in your forum info.) So study dog training maybe. Study to be a Vets assistant. Animal groomer? Any near-by zoo (?) … call and find out what sort of education is needed to work there? All these jobs require education.

*Travel? This one's more difficult. Join the Secret Service, or whatever govt. agency there may be in Estonia that includes travel. (For that one, they may pay for your training.) Or learn about cameras, travel the world, take pictures and write about it. Or combine two interests, and become a wild life photographer.

*Parkour? So are you obese or physically fit? If fit, then gardening, contracting and building, training people in gyms, becoming a sports coach for children . . . ?

Any damned job will do to create the funds you may need to study to do whatever you choose. No education needed, become and artist model (any art schools around?). Garbage collection. Post Office. Trucker. I don't know, anything, and be wise enough to know it's wonderful to have a job, and that this one is temporary anyway.

I understand you need money, but perhaps there may be a job involving service to others? Finding a way to help others may just help you to put your problems into perspective (you will be meeting people with problems). Study physical therapy? Nursing? It also may give you joy, you may just make someone who feels hurt and desperate, laugh.

And speaking about STO, remember your mother. She is living with your anger and confusion right now. Maybe instead of a sandwich at the table, you may both go out together and picnic in the park? Try being kind, try having fun, it will help you clear your mind.

You say (again, from forum info) that you like the great outdoors? Study horticulture, and become a gardener, perhaps a great garden designer while we're at it. Maybe get a job working in a plant store with lots of books for you to read during breaks.

Think of more answers than I've provided. Create a life that interests you, and create it in your mind, in great detail. Being a co-creator is allowed to be fun.

Could you be a Fireman, or a Private Eye, instead of a policeman? Are there any companies hiring guards for businesses or rich people around?

And get a handle on your anger. Walk around your home and your universe surrounded by Infinite White Light (I do, and I put this same Light on my dog, my home, my car . . ) Then, only joy is permitted to reach you within that Light, and only good may go out from you. Walk in comfort because you have your invisible light shield.

Please please love yourself. Confusion allowed. Love encouraged. Joy also allowed and encouraged.

You do not have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.
(I love the way that's put, I read it somewhere.)

Meerie

Great post, Charles.
Lycen, how about this job? BigSmile but you would have to know about all your previous incarnations, lol

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Thank you Charles, I had many different feelings and thoughts while reading your grand post. You got me to laugh as well I am most appreciative! BigSmile
Its interesting to read how I am interpreted, must say I felt resistance at some points. All is well. So much I feel is unsaid but they feel like un-sayable. Words limit me and even then I leave out much, as I think it would become a book every time id choose to type.
Your thoughts where helpful and much appreciated you beautiful thing you! .)

Meerie Wrote:Lycen, how about this job? BigSmile but you would have to know about all your previous incarnations, lol
Hah, that's a real bummer if I only knew my past lives.. BUT I am sure I would give 100% there .D

[Image: iv9zsh.jpg]
(04-16-2012, 10:00 AM)Lycen Wrote: [ -> ]I heard my mother talk to my sister on the phone at work. I could tell by actually hearing and by her voice and and movements that. My sister was attacking her verbally because of me (I don't have a job, mother needs money). She reacted by hiding it and moving away from me, as not to hurt me.
That moved me very profoundly she understood something and showed understanding. So it seemed to me. Knowing that depleted me of energy and my mind went blank. While walking home I reflected on my life. And now here I am.
I'm in a similar situation where I'm not working, yet trying to get there, knowing that what ever it is I do it has to be in alignment with my mission/purpose. My mum is in and out of work, the house is for sale, and the one supporting not just me, but my mom and two youngest siblings is my younger sister...and it's a burden on her b/c she wants to live her life freely....

They say everything has its own time, place etc, etc. I know it will work out for the both of us [and everyone involved], so just keep being you. ^_^
Your words felt calming Danu, thank you for sharing your story Shy
Yes it will work itself out one way or the other BigSmile and it will be fair and just to all in the bigger picture.

I am just terrified of the growing which is to come. I think it good, but I fear it the most. Its like I am standing on a cliff, having wings to fly, know they work but afraid to make the jump "what if?"; "maybe I am wrong"; "remember all the pain you have felt before!"; "don't risk it!"..

I may know all this intellectually, yet I understand it not. This feels true and yet I don't understand it.. Walking toward the uncertain the unseen or unknown is so painful, I do not want to feel pain anymore. What I see as pain is actually love which I am blocking thus the pain. I feel this to be true, then knowing this, why do I still feel pain? Why don't the words I write, make this all right? Why can't I seemingly help myself withe the words I write!? Laugh or cry I choose BigSmile

Something in me smiles and knows it all, calming me when I feel lost. It makes me smile Smile with it and its always calm ZZzz I quess I need to trust more.