Hello,
I have a problem and I just couldn't find a solution so it occured to me to ask you lovely people.
Ok so we had our yearly perfomance meetings last week and mine was awful. I got ripped to shreds. According to my manager I'm weird and talk about topics people cannot contribute towards, I'm in the wrong job, I'm pretty shite at what I do, I'm a loner and snob and a whole lot of other things which made me very depressed, and I was a complete mess with tears running down my face.
There were some blatant lies in there as well which I disputed but I was told it would remain on the record.
Frankly alot of it was complete fabrication and just plain aggressive. There are various reasons they did this , but mostly I believe it's because they think I'm a snob and that I ignore them and feel I'm better than them. Introverts are often mistaken for snobs and I've been called a snob many times when people have misinterpreted my shyness. Over the weekend I repeated "I love myself unconditionally" at every waking moment to attempt to neutralise the negative judgement thrown at me.
I just can't understand this sort of bullying behaviour.
So now I've come in and my managers manager has sent me a request to rate/judge my managers performance including their sensitivity and empathy and understanding of staff.
As I didn't want anyone else to feel as horrible as I did, and I don't think we should be 'judged' by anyone else, I just went through and gave them top marks for each. Then I realised I was lying. But I want to forgive and be compassionate....
I'm confused. I can't pretend I have uncondtional love at the moment. I'm very hurt. But I don't want to hurt back...or judge....or lie.
What should I do as I really don't know...any advice would be good. You guys are amazing at throwing different perspectives on things. Thanks
(07-29-2012, 10:39 PM)jacrob Wrote: [ -> ]Hello,
I have a problem and I just couldn't find a solution so it occured to me to ask you lovely people.
Ok so we had our yearly perfomance meetings last week and mine was awful. I got ripped to shreds. According to my manager I'm weird and talk about topics people cannot contribute towards, I'm in the wrong job, I'm pretty shite at what I do, I'm a loner and snob and a whole lot of other things which made me very depressed, and I was a complete mess with tears running down my face.
There were some blatant lies in there as well which I disputed but I was told it would remain on the record.
Frankly alot of it was complete fabrication and just plain aggressive. There are various reasons they did this , but mostly I believe it's because they think I'm a snob and that I ignore them and feel I'm better than them. Introverts are often mistaken for snobs and I've been called a snob many times when people have misinterpreted my shyness. Over the weekend I repeated "I love myself unconditionally" at every waking moment to attempt to neutralise the negative judgement thrown at me.
I just can't understand this sort of bullying behaviour.
So now I've come in and my managers manager has sent me a request to rate/judge my managers performance including their sensitivity and empathy and understanding of staff.
As I didn't want anyone else to feel as horrible as I did, and I don't think we should be 'judged' by anyone else, I just went through and gave them top marks for each. Then I realised I was lying. But I want to forgive and be compassionate....
I'm confused. I can't pretend I have uncondtional love at the moment. I'm very hurt. But I don't want to hurt back...or judge....or lie.
What should I do as I really don't know...any advice would be good. You guys are amazing at throwing different perspectives on things. Thanks
Speak the truth.
(07-29-2012, 10:39 PM)jacrob Wrote: [ -> ]Hello,
I have a problem and I just couldn't find a solution so it occured to me to ask you lovely people.
Ok so we had our yearly perfomance meetings last week and mine was awful. I got ripped to shreds. According to my manager I'm weird and talk about topics people cannot contribute towards, I'm in the wrong job, I'm pretty shite at what I do, I'm a loner and snob and a whole lot of other things which made me very depressed, and I was a complete mess with tears running down my face.
There were some blatant lies in there as well which I disputed but I was told it would remain on the record.
Frankly alot of it was complete fabrication and just plain aggressive. There are various reasons they did this , but mostly I believe it's because they think I'm a snob and that I ignore them and feel I'm better than them. Introverts are often mistaken for snobs and I've been called a snob many times when people have misinterpreted my shyness. Over the weekend I repeated "I love myself unconditionally" at every waking moment to attempt to neutralise the negative judgement thrown at me.
I just can't understand this sort of bullying behaviour.
So now I've come in and my managers manager has sent me a request to rate/judge my managers performance including their sensitivity and empathy and understanding of staff.
As I didn't want anyone else to feel as horrible as I did, and I don't think we should be 'judged' by anyone else, I just went through and gave them top marks for each. Then I realised I was lying. But I want to forgive and be compassionate....
I'm confused. I can't pretend I have uncondtional love at the moment. I'm very hurt. But I don't want to hurt back...or judge....or lie.
What should I do as I really don't know...any advice would be good. You guys are amazing at throwing different perspectives on things. Thanks
Hola. That sucks man. I'm going through something similar at my work too. I've only been there for about 8 months and I really don't talk much myself (I'm shy and introverted too) and I know people talk s*** on me because of it...so thanks to media conditioning, unless you're not an obnoxious loudmouth in the workplace or part of a clique, you're a weirdo and a potential shooter and liability.
My advice (this may sound generic but bear with me) is to just duke it out because causing "problems" in the workplace, [although you may seem justified in questioning and being pissed off at your managers], will only make it worse..TRUST ME!! If the pay and working conditions are worth what you went through in the evaluation, then just stay and brush it off.
Short story, when I started my current job, I had a misunderstanding with an employee that I used to work with in the past, and him and his female friend were talking smack and the girl was doing it right in front of me too and I'm staring at her the whole she's doing it! I'm like "umm girl...it's not really wise to do that knowing how much physically stronger I am than you". I wanted to beat these 2 people up so bad. If you live in a ghetto, people get shot over that crap!! Point being, I was going to quit over it and I didn't do anything about it. But you know what? I duked it out for a only a couple weeks...and they both ended up leaving the company!! Proof that patience pays.
Ask yourself if your manager is loosing any sleep over this or if they just really care at all. Remember, you are only there for paycheck. Have you ever been brought in to HR because of your "problems"? Hell, if they fire you because of it, you'll probably be able to collect because they won't be able to provide proof of misconduct.
Also, have you considered just looking for a different job then? Having lies in a performance review is pretty serious stuff. Most people would flip $hit because of it, so be proud of yourself for keeping your cool.
I'm sure a performance evaluation of your managers don't affect them they way you may imagine (I was a low level sup before). Just be honest about it because you don't want any karma coming back at you because of retaliation, even if it was a misunderstanding.
My thoughts exactly. Catalyst to make me golden! So I should repay the favour by giving them top marks....but then I'd be lying about their managerial skills...
About an hour ago the 'big' general manager asked if I needed to talk about anything....it's amazing how fast news travels in offices.
Now I feel safe and secure...it's crazy what reality you create for yourself moment to moment.
(07-30-2012, 12:22 AM)GreatSpirit Wrote: [ -> ] (07-29-2012, 10:39 PM)jacrob Wrote: [ -> ]Hello,
Ok so we had our yearly perfomance meetings last week and mine was awful. What should I do
Hola. That sucks man. I'm going through something similar at my work too.
I keep out of all that politics, but sometimes you still get sucked into it. But it definately brings to the surface any deep seated issues. I asked my Higher Self last week to help me lose my fear and then this happened.
In one morning I've 'rubber banded' as Bashar says. From fear and anxiety my emotions have been shot into security and peace. For the moment anyway....
It's certainly highlighted for me the power of positive affirmations and monitoring one's thought processes. Over the weekend I would catch myself worrying and then start the positive affirmations and visualising myself laughing happily. And since lunch I genuinly feel really good and have had a few laughs.
Get a different job.
A job where your boss makes you cry for no real purpose is one that isnt worth the effort it would take to untangle, if you have better jobs available.
Thank them politely for employing you for an extended period of time and immediately resign.
Meditate and ask that you get a job with less conflicts
and then go jobhunting.
Without reflects within. We believe our beliefs into being. It's all you baby! <3
IMHO the work environment is much more important than the work itself (or the pay).
I wish you success on finding a fulfilling work environment and remember that you
co-create your future.
Temper your compassion with wisdom. Lying about their performance in this case would be naive because you would be showing them that what they did to you was acceptable and that they can just keep doing it with no consequence. This chance to rate them is an opportunity for you to learn that while it is truly excellent to spread your love around, it's also important to keep a little for yourself.
Tell the truth.
That said, I also agree with the others that this may also be a chance to break away from your job and find something new.
Being compassionate does not involve making a doormat out of yourself. To keep all your feelings inside and lie about how you feel is to shut down your blue ray, and it's also a great way to give yourself a tumor. You can love someone very much and still call them on their crap. It doesn't mean you have to respond in a hateful and aggressive way. Just be open and honest with how you feel. If you're not, you're denying love and understanding to a very important person- yourself.
I would suggest you get out there and start talking to people and let them see what you're really like, helping them to realize you're not quiet just because you think you're better than everyone. Yes, you might be uncomfortable doing so, but sometimes you just have to bite the bullet. Saying "I CAN'T talk to people" is self-defeating. If a guy that lost both his legs can learn to walk again, a shy person can learn to speak up from time to time...you just have to want it badly enough. Socializing DOES get easier with time and practice...it's something I've had to do myself, working with the public and all. You don't have to be a party animal, but try to put yourself behind the eyes of the other person. Not everyone is exceptionally empathetic and able to pick up on subtle social cues. What image ARE you putting out to these guys?
Last year at my job I got transferred to a different department, and my supervisor seemed to hate me for absolutely no reason. It was like she went out of her way to piss me off and make me feel bad. I actually ended up getting a second job, hoping to leave my first job entirely, just because of that woman. Then, lo and behold, I meet someone just like her at my second job. This girl who automatically has some huge beef with me when I didn't do anything at all to her. At that point I realized the catalyst was going to follow me wherever I went, so I went back to my first job and figured out what in this woman was a mirror of me. I was horribly surprised when I realized how much like her I was. I had been acting like a major b!tch and had been completely oblivious to my own behavior, so it was placed outside of me for me to look at. Once I finished the integration work, the behavior of that woman towards me changed completely and we became friends. It is actually quite shocking to me, how much I've seen the behaviors of others change when I viewed the mirror they offered me with honesty and humility. You can literally change the world around you in this way.
My general advice on all problems is.
1. Assume its random and try avoid anything that is painful / hurts / makes you feel uncomfortable.
if 1 does not work then
2. Assume that it is someone mirroring something you do with the highest amount of love that you would accept with the minimum amount of pain that you would accept. Act accordingly.
3. Change diet/lifestyle/habbits to see if that changes the problem.
4. If not, confront and ask for guidance on how to avoid potential problems in the future.
5. Failing that, leave. Butting heads where no butting of heads is required nor recommended is unwise for heads are meant for thinking/feeling not butting with other heads.
I feel your pain here.
I've been in a high-pressure sales environment where only the cunning and less-than-honest get the honors.
You have to understand - that anyone of you (or our) natures, will be put under the nutcracker by STS-style bosses.
It's their way of forcing you out, and getting someone else in, who would be more willing to bend and form to being controlled.
So, don't take it personally... Someone who uses blatant control to manage, WILL use control on you, whether you like it or not.
And, if you don't BECOME controlled, needless to say, a STS individual does not see this as progress.
You WON'T understand the pushy shovey behavior.
At the end of the day, if you can't leave that job if it makes you miserable, you -must- make that happen if possible, even if it means taking steps backwards...
You cannot succeed in an STS environment with STO virtues. It will tarnish you, and agitate them. I wish I had better advice, but that's what I had to do. Start over.
Best of luck, it gets better. I promise.
(07-29-2012, 10:39 PM)jacrob Wrote: [ -> ]Hello,
I have a problem and I just couldn't find a solution so it occured to me to ask you lovely people.
Ok so we had our yearly perfomance meetings last week and mine was awful. I got ripped to shreds. According to my manager I'm weird and talk about topics people cannot contribute towards, I'm in the wrong job, I'm pretty shite at what I do, I'm a loner and snob and a whole lot of other things which made me very depressed, and I was a complete mess with tears running down my face.
There were some blatant lies in there as well which I disputed but I was told it would remain on the record.
Frankly alot of it was complete fabrication and just plain aggressive. There are various reasons they did this , but mostly I believe it's because they think I'm a snob and that I ignore them and feel I'm better than them. Introverts are often mistaken for snobs and I've been called a snob many times when people have misinterpreted my shyness. Over the weekend I repeated "I love myself unconditionally" at every waking moment to attempt to neutralise the negative judgement thrown at me.
I just can't understand this sort of bullying behaviour.
So now I've come in and my managers manager has sent me a request to rate/judge my managers performance including their sensitivity and empathy and understanding of staff.
As I didn't want anyone else to feel as horrible as I did, and I don't think we should be 'judged' by anyone else, I just went through and gave them top marks for each. Then I realised I was lying. But I want to forgive and be compassionate....
I'm confused. I can't pretend I have uncondtional love at the moment. I'm very hurt. But I don't want to hurt back...or judge....or lie.
What should I do as I really don't know...any advice would be good. You guys are amazing at throwing different perspectives on things. Thanks
So many good replies. I hope many or all are helpful to you. What worked for me (I used to be in similar situation, many years ago) was mostly many years of involvement in 12-step programs, especially Co-dependents Anonymous. When I first started going to meetings, I made a commitment to myself that at each meeting I would speak from the heart honestly about something I was feeling - not tell an old story I had told hundreds of times before. The experience of speaking the truth of my heart to a group of strangers who were accepting, did not judge me, and just listened caringly, worked magic in my life, transforming me into a person with much more confidence, self respect and communication skill.
My impression of the meetings was that those who spoke the truth of NOW made the most progress. Some chose to recite the same litany of their problems every week, and they progressed more slowly, it seemed to me.
Stay strong brother! I hope the universe has answered your call for help. From reading your follow ups, I have a feeling it did.
(07-30-2012, 03:15 PM)hogey11 Wrote: [ -> ]Stay strong brother! I hope the universe has answered your call for help. From reading your follow ups, I have a feeling it did.
it's funny how everyone thinks I'm a guy!
thanks for all your replies, you're all angels. As Norral said, this forum is a sanctuary.
I feel the general concensus, and I agree, is tell the truth. I've got some blockage in blue ray anyway...
I do love my job, it's cushy, pays well, and I love most of the people here. I'm not always introverted and shy. With people I'm comfortable with I'm very loud and gregarious. It's when I come across STS types I sort of go quiet and try to avoid them.
And yes I truly believe people are mirrors and reflect your inner workings. I've been working hard to love myself unconditionally this past year and this experience showed me there is still some unresolved inner conflict and dislike of myself that needs to be released.
Everyone at work (including the offending manager) is soooooo nice to me today it's embarressing.
I'm finding that over the last 12 months the lessons we need to learn, processing the catalyst, and being rewarded with balance and peace is occuring at such a rapid rate it makes my head spin. And only 5 more months to go! I feel it's going to be very intense!!!
(07-30-2012, 08:08 PM)jacrob Wrote: [ -> ] (07-30-2012, 03:15 PM)hogey11 Wrote: [ -> ]Stay strong brother! I hope the universe has answered your call for help. From reading your follow ups, I have a feeling it did.
it's funny how everyone thinks I'm a guy!
thanks for all your replies, you're all angels. As Norral said, this forum is a sanctuary.
I feel the general concensus, and I agree, is tell the truth. I've got some blockage in blue ray anyway...
I do love my job, it's cushy, pays well, and I love most of the people here. I'm not always introverted and shy. With people I'm comfortable with I'm very loud and gregarious. It's when I come across STS types I sort of go quiet and try to avoid them.
And yes I truly believe people are mirrors and reflect your inner workings. I've been working hard to love myself unconditionally this past year and this experience showed me there is still some unresolved inner conflict and dislike of myself that needs to be released.
Everyone at work (including the offending manager) is soooooo nice to me today it's embarressing.
I'm finding that over the last 12 months the lessons we need to learn, processing the catalyst, and being rewarded with balance and peace is occuring at such a rapid rate it makes my head spin. And only 5 more months to go! I feel it's going to be very intense!!!
Glad it all worked out, guess you handled it well. Teaching them a lesson as well as teaching you a lesson. Good job warrior you won that battle
.
(07-30-2012, 08:08 PM)jacrob Wrote: [ -> ] (07-30-2012, 03:15 PM)hogey11 Wrote: [ -> ]Stay strong brother! I hope the universe has answered your call for help. From reading your follow ups, I have a feeling it did.
it's funny how everyone thinks I'm a guy!
...
Well now I must ask... are you a gal ?
Bless you, sister! I agree with the others.... tell the truth and look within.
I had a similar catalyst recently where someone told me how I had failed ( at something that is impossible to fail). I sort of accepted it initially and then when I thought about it I stood up for myself and responded later. I looked at the reflection, and realized that it was one of those fun-house mirrors. I realized what he was telling me was not the truth, and I stood up for myself, and I'm really glad that I did so.
oh no! I apologize. Sister it is!
I think your name reminds me of 'Jacob' so I assumed... and you know how that usually works out... i'm an ass.
Man women what's the difference.
(07-30-2012, 10:58 PM)Sagittarius Wrote: [ -> ]Man women what's the difference.
well there's some wonderful physical differences to appreciate...
oh and Jacrob isn't my name, it's Aimee. Jacrob is an amalgamation of my son's names. I can see how it has a masculine feel to it.
(07-29-2012, 10:39 PM)jacrob Wrote: [ -> ]Over the weekend I repeated "I love myself unconditionally" at every waking moment to attempt to neutralise the negative judgement thrown at me.
Sometimes, it is easier to love, forgive or whatever it might be others instead of self. Whomever this person is that results in catalyst of where I stop loving myself, or when I can't forgive myself, I try to love or forgive this person instead. It works much better for me. And when I am genuinely feeling this love for another self, or forgiving another self, if I am becoming consciously aware of it and how it affects me too, I start loving myself, or how I start forgiving myself for completely other things than those I am forgiving another self for. Cause aren't we all one?
It is interesting to become consciously aware of these things in the physical manifestation though.
I agree with others here who already said that compassion doesn't mean to shutting down your blue ray. If someone is an ass and acts as an ass, one can work on perfecting the balance between the compassion/love for that person (by consciously trying to love this person no matter what) and wisdom (by using the blue ray and standing up for yourself).
"I feel the general concensus, and I agree, is tell the truth. I've got some blockage in blue ray anyway..."
My idea, rather than always tell the truth, is to always go with how I feel. If I feel I am in an arena where it's safe to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, then I go with it. That's seldom the case, as many people would not be able to comprehend my thinking on many subjects.
I sing in the choir at a Protestant church, but so far I haven't had many discussions of theology with other members.
I would not have had a good outcome with saying the things I could say in a CODA meeting, if I had tried to say them in a different type of group. I know that because I had tried it previously and the outcome was humiliating for me.
Fortunately my husband is a person who is almost totally accepting. And that is not an accident, because I had evolved enough before I met him that I probably would not have married the other kind. Thank you, God!
![[Image: tumblr_m7yidd8SER1qe4fuio1_500.gif]](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m7yidd8SER1qe4fuio1_500.gif)