As I continue to reflect and meditate I notice a trend developing in myself that on one hand feels incredibly liberating and on the other hand frightening: I'm getting apathetic about everything.
Here's what I mean: I am starting to just not care about polarizing positive or negative. Other people's problems are pulling less and less on my heartstrings. I want love less and less, and I want to love less and less. All of the felt need for these things seems to me now to be wasteful emotional instability. But this isn't the same as putting up armor around my heart; that involves hate and I feel that, too, as a pointless waste of emotional energy.
Is anyone else going through this? Just a serious hollowing-out of one's previous spiritual intention and a shutting down of what may once have been a very fiery and powerful drive to act according to a spiritual ideal?
It's not something that truly frightens me, as I feel I'm following my truth in relinquishing all these cares, but it feels like I'm betraying the whole world. We're talking about no longer being able to feel attached to friends and family and lovers at all. All in all I feel it's a healthy step, it's just so contrary to training that I have to sometimes swallow big lumps and continue the work of retracting my energy from addictive attachments.
So, anyone else?
do you feel joy?
I have found that to be the true benchmark of 'breaking through' or touching the truth.
the mind, however, has endless ways of deceiving itself.
I disagree with the above. First of all, I think the true benchmark for a breakthrough has always been, for me, feeling a realignment in my energy centers which is lasting and increases flow and balance. A lot of the realizations I've had that caused those realignments actually involved shock and even a bit of horror. But yes, joy often accompanies these.
I still feel joy, but I also feel attachment to joy that tries to intensify and prolong it arising all the time alongside it. I think that a lot of feelings of joy in me also have to do, subtly, with the idea that I've found some
thing that will give me
even more joy, which for me now is usually a "spiritual" realization of some sort and not an object or person. This is
never true.
Ways of achieving joy that are usually vaunted as healthy and good can also easily lend themselves to attachment. IMO attachment is super-sneaky and legitimates itself as your friend when it really is a saboteur. And our social training, which tells us what kind of things are "supposed to" generate joy lets us retreat into legitimation for our attachment too.
Any time I find myself trying to "merge" with some experience because I like it and want to prolong it, I know I'm attached. And this is constant - who isn't attached to their own constant mental chatter that promises them salvation from certain destruction as long as it is allowed to keep going?
Not that I'm dour. I tend to that extreme sometimes but like I said, hatred and separation are also wasteful emotions.
Mostly I'm just amazed by how much of my mental activity is an attempt to hold on to positive experiences and try to generate them. All of this is IMO completely worthless and, frankly, sickening. I'm just frightened by how much of my mind will just be
gone when attachment no longer exists in me. It's as if I were going to throw the whole Earth into the sun. It feels like that much will disappear. Nobody could possibly be special to me anymore. I won't "love" my mother the way she wants me to love her. I won't care at all about "being spiritual" or getting harvested or anything at all, really.
It's not politically correct to be unattached.
I think this is a natural re-structuring of the self we will be going through. I'am experiencing very similar things, but seeing it in a different way. If nothing is special then everything is special. Sometimes you feel like you have figured it out, then in a few days a new understanding comes along. Your fearful of your lack of emotion, seams like more balancing/work is needed.
Your getting good at being unattached so become unattached to this very issue you have brought up.
I've become overly attached to the notion of harvest. Wondering about whether my actions make me more or less harvestable. Perhaps being more apathetic in this regard could be a good thing. The Harvest forum is the one I read the most.
I too don't feel love very strongly. Balancing love and green ray has been important to me for some time. But I just don't know if I should make that my goal. Balancing love, or being unattached to love. That's a big question. I haven't had really strong emotions lately either. But I don't have an attitude of to heck with all. It's a challenge being awake at this time, because we are always discovering new avenues of our path, and hence our belief systems change. Then we have to decide whether to follow them.
I agree that Joy (which incidentally does not mean happiness) is the true state of being. If you are not in Joy you are in illusion. It's that simple.
(08-25-2012, 09:23 AM)Patrick Wrote: [ -> ]I agree that Joy (which incidentally does not mean happiness) is the true state of being. If you are not in Joy you are in illusion. It's that simple.
That's wonderful.
Gemini Wolf said:Quote:I've become overly attached to the notion of harvest. Wondering about whether my actions make me more or less harvestable. Perhaps being more apathetic in this regard could be a good thing. The Harvest forum is the one I read the most.
This is one of the main things I've been sloughing off. I've decided to just say to heck with it, no more worries about that. My true desire, quite frankly, is to serve myself as much as possible. I
do not care about service to others as such. But it just so happens that if I serve myself as much as possible, I surrender more and more fear and doubt, sever more and more emotional ties, and still overtip my waiters and offer food to strangers because that's just my genuine self-expression coming out. I would have to resist it to stop it.
I have nothing to worry about, basically. Am I not God?
Dunno DMC, but your swag is divine.
The sense of apathy one feels in a state of balance is due to the connection our consciousness maintains with the physical.
It is bound to this temporary aspect of existence as long as it uses this vehicle, and will be subject to its methods of interacting with the environment.
Even though one may have evolved into a more balanced perception of their cosmos, one will continue to be burdened with the state of their present vehicle of experience.
If you are a Ford man and driving in a Chevrolet, it will not matter how much you would like to realize the smooth Ford ride, you are going to feel the bumps because you are now in a Chevy.
The journey at this point may seem bleak/boring because you have achieved the destination that this ride has brought you to, and now await the next vehicle to set course on a new destination.
You will read many here trying to relay that exact same problem and having difficulty in understanding it, or great impatience with the transition.
Now is not the time to pass on the opportunity that this stage presents.
Now is the time to perfect and master patience, that one virtue that most humans have great difficulty with.
The very fact that you have trouble expressing love is that your patience is being tried and you are in a state of frustration. It may be a calm apathetic frustration but it is still frustration which impedes your desire to express the love that resides within you.
Mastering patience will alleviate that burden.
This in itself should reveal to you that your work here in learning and experiencing is far from over.
The quotes in this post are from Shin'Ar.
Quote:Now is the time to perfect and master patience, that one virtue that most humans have great difficulty with.
The very fact that you have trouble expressing love is that your patience is being tried and you are in a state of frustration. It may be a calm apathetic frustration but it is still frustration which impedes your desire to express the love that resides within you.
I think there is something to this. Frustration and pent-up anger are feelings I deal with constantly. Part of my love lesson has been to allow them to surface without fear that I'm suddenly "going negative." I've discovered that for me, honesty about what I really think and feel has to trump concerns about polarity or Harvest. That's a lesson in self-love, trusting oneself and not thinking one is bad for having such balancing to do.
As for trouble expressing love, I'm not so sure that the removal of personally-focused love, which I'm beginning to think is reactive and addictive, has to imply an overall lovelessness.
My spiritual author of choice, Jed McKenna, touched on this in one of his books. He said that in order to awaken, you have to "feel love dying inside you." It blew my mind to read that, and I would have been confused if he hadn't written earlier that pretty much the one feeling he has left he called
Agape, which was all-embracing evenhanded acceptance of everything and the ability to stay present with anything. So the "love" that he said would die was of the reactive, attached variety.
Compare this to Ra's statement in LOO that a truly balanced entity is devoid of emotional reactivity but is nonetheless responsive when occasions to serve others arise. Jed clearly saw such an opportunity when he decided to write his books, which to me were very helpful, despite being "loveless."
For now, I intend to balance a lifetime of bias toward personal love with an intentional withdrawal from it until such time as the effects of that withdrawal can be integrated and understood, at which point re-balancing may be needed.
Quote:If you are a Ford man and driving in a Chevrolet, it will not matter how much you would like to realize the smooth Ford ride, you are going to feel the bumps because you are now in a Chevy.
I can't believe you're a Ford man, Shin'Ar.
(08-25-2012, 12:49 PM)DMCubic Wrote: [ -> ]Gemini Wolf said:Quote:I've become overly attached to the notion of harvest. Wondering about whether my actions make me more or less harvestable. Perhaps being more apathetic in this regard could be a good thing. The Harvest forum is the one I read the most.
This is one of the main things I've been sloughing off. I've decided to just say to heck with it, no more worries about that. My true desire, quite frankly, is to serve myself as much as possible. I do not care about service to others as such. But it just so happens that if I serve myself as much as possible, I surrender more and more fear and doubt, sever more and more emotional ties, and still overtip my waiters and offer food to strangers because that's just my genuine self-expression coming out. I would have to resist it to stop it.
I have nothing to worry about, basically. Am I not God?
Is this what you are trying to say?
http://www.llresearch.org/transcripts/is..._0211.aspx Q'uo Wrote:...In this regard we would suggest that the skillful choice is always to work on the self without regard for working with other entities. Service to others, working upon what you perceive needs to be done in the world, begins and ends within yourself. Until the point at which you are asked specific questions that you may answer in what you hope is a spiritually helpful manner, the work you do on yourself is sufficient and more than adequate in terms of how you may affect the consciousness of planet Earth. Change yourself and you change the world. That is how powerful you really are...
Quote:80.11 Questioner: Could I say, then, that implicit in the process of becoming adept is the seeming polarization towards service to self because the adept becomes disassociated with many of his kind?
Ra: I am Ra. This is likely to occur. The apparent happening is disassociation whether the truth is service to self and thus true disassociation from other-selves or service to others and thus true association with the heart of all other-selves and disassociation only from the illusory husks which prevent the adept from correctly perceiving the self and other-self as one.
Oui, monsieur Patrick. Those quotes, combined with the Ra quote on diminishing emotion, pretty much nail it.
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Another thing I've experimented with diminishing is prayer. I sort of hope to turn all my impassioned prayers for my own and others' welfare into a sort of quiet, peaceful certainty that there are forces at work which arrange things for the best and do not need our input or assistance. I suppose this would turn my prayerful energy from something directed and verbal into a quiet radiation of intent-for-the-best into the world.
Here's another one.
http://www.llresearch.org/transcripts/is..._0924.aspx Q'uo Wrote:...The focus upon the self in the means of balancing distortions and looking for ways to understand more of what is occurring within the self is an activity that may seem to some to be full of pride and ego, yet we would suggest that such a concentration of an entity’s attention upon its own self in that manner is a means by which a seeker grows, for it needs to be aware of the activity of intellect, of emotion, and of the spirit that moves within one’s own being. Yet that information is used only to temper the steel, shall we say, the character of the entity, and not to impose this character upon another...
So in the end, it's not spiritual apathy you are going through. It's just the awakening that is making you focus on the self so that you do your part for the world.
"imposing this character upon another" is STS otherwise all the work on the Self is STO.
I'm pretty much on board with you, DMCubic, and I appreciate the quotes as well, Patrick. It truly resonates with my current situation.
I've also entered this state similar to what DMCubic is experiencing, I feel that my focus has shifted from the influencing of the external world to the tending of myself and the inner motivations and echoing voices inside me that seem to speak out more and more to me, or at least I am starting to listen to them with more clarity. I have just recently gotten out of a state of depression that lasted all of this previous month, and I knew that I needed balancing, and I asked that I focus on it. Well, I am not really scared to go through this, I feel like I am being a more honest person to myself and to others with who I am and what I'm going through at least, yet it does feel like emotional ties are being severed and the light within me feels less "brilliant". All I can do now for those around me that get mad at me for my change in gears and for myself is to be all that I can be in the moment and ask, "where is the love in this moment?".
I have, as a result of my work, come upon the fact that even if i believed i was doing the right thing, or being honest, or trying to be a good person. I have lied tremendously as well as hurt people i love tremendously.
That has made me turn within and ponder my thoughts, emotions and reactions. I believe that for the most part, i am experiencing something similar, thought it isnt apathy as such, it is more like shock at the amount of crap that i have done despite my best efforts to the contrary. And the good opportunity this period of quietness in my life (thought it should be all but) i have withdrawn and started to contemplate what i do. So, i sympathize with you DMC, but i feel it is not apathy, it is lack of momentum considering the massive scale of the challenge ahead in terms of growth.
Cyan, you're seeing your growth to be challenging?
For me it is pretty straightforward. I am sort of coasting now.
I wonder if this period of 'spiritual apathy' as the OP dubs it has anything to do with the fact that solar flare and sunspot activity has dropped significantly this last little while compared to the rest of this year.
(08-28-2012, 09:27 AM)Gemini Wolf Wrote: [ -> ]Cyan, you're seeing your growth to be challenging?
For me it is pretty straightforward. I am sort of coasting now.
Did you not just recently point out that you had serious trouble adjusting and were on medicine to balance yourself out. That seems to be some serious challenge.
It could be considered a challenge cyan, sure. Though the meds make it easier for me to stay balanced. My mood doesn't sway from feelings of heaven to feelings of hell like before.
But then it closes off my 3rd eye to some extent, so spiritual growth for me will be slower. I feel it needs to be though because it was too much to take in before.
I sort of stopped talking about the meds because it seemed like I was talking about them all the time. I just hope they don't make it harder for me to be harvestable because they might be keeping my indigo ray out of balance, or impeding its growth. I'm not sure. I do feel balanced.
Although I might have a weak yellow ray because I don't really like talking much to people.
(08-28-2012, 10:36 AM)Cyan Wrote: [ -> ] (08-28-2012, 09:27 AM)Gemini Wolf Wrote: [ -> ]Cyan, you're seeing your growth to be challenging?
For me it is pretty straightforward. I am sort of coasting now.
Did you not just recently point out that you had serious trouble adjusting and were on medicine to balance yourself out. That seems to be some serious challenge.
(08-28-2012, 10:03 AM)Spaced Wrote: [ -> ]I wonder if this period of 'spiritual apathy' as the OP dubs it has anything to do with the fact that solar flare and sunspot activity has dropped significantly this last little while compared to the rest of this year.
That seems quite possible. Solar activity is extremely quiet compared to the 6 months or so previous to this past month.
I seem to have leveled off and dont have "high highs" or "low lows". I have just had a general sense of well being (maybe tinged with a mild impatience, but this could be an intellectual problem
).
(08-28-2012, 10:29 PM)Parsons Wrote: [ -> ]I seem to have leveled off and dont have "high highs" or "low lows". I have just had a general sense of well being (maybe tinged with a mild impatience, but this could be an intellectual problem).
yep, same here
(08-28-2012, 10:29 PM)Parsons Wrote: [ -> ]I seem to have leveled off and dont have "high highs" or "low lows". I have just had a general sense of well being (maybe tinged with a mild impatience, but this could be an intellectual problem).
The same for me too. Even work is somewhat interesting.
Do not seek the temporary emotion of the now; that is self gratification. It is as temporary as the emotion will be.
Seek rather the Unknown Mystery of being, which you cannot experience in temporary emotion, as it is yet to be realized.
That is not temporary, as it moves just beyond reach with every thought process.
Do not dwell in emotional mire, proceed in inspirational quest.
I feel a gravity in my heart and 3rd eye, and am working on keeping them in balance.
Thank you for your insight into not seeking self-gratification.
There were other areas of my life where I was, and it would leave me feeling a little empty afterwards.
At least with balancing my chakras, I can feel like I'm surrounded by Creator's love.
I assume self-gratification has to do with desire. I remember Ra saying not to overcome any desire. So this makes me a little confused on how to proceed.
(08-31-2012, 01:07 PM)Gemini Wolf Wrote: [ -> ]I feel a gravity in my heart and 3rd eye, and am working on keeping them in balance.
Thank you for your insight into not seeking self-gratification.
There were other areas of my life where I was, and it would leave me feeling a little empty afterwards.
At least with balancing my chakras, I can feel like I'm surrounded by Creator's love.
I assume self-gratification has to do with desire. I remember Ra saying not to overcome any desire. So this makes me a little confused on how to proceed.
Self gratification is any action which denies the true aspect of self as The One, and nurtures the illusion that our temporary identity is our only self.
It is the gratification of the temporary, in ignorance of the permanent reality.
To balance the illusion/temporary with the reality/permanent we must strive to realize the temporary, and live accordingly, instead of existing as though this temporary self is some sort of infinite identity that takes priority over all else.
Like the hamster on the wheel running and getting nowhere, we can exist in our cage of delusion, or we can understand that the cycle has a purpose, and it is not meant to be a means of getting our temporary identity anywhere at all. To actually get anywhere we must leave that cycle. We must realize that the person we think we are, based upon our brain's effort to interpret its environment, is NOT our true identity.
Unless of course you enjoy running on the hamster wheel.
In that case, Shin'Ar will be Shin'Ar in a thousand years from now, and was Shin'Ar a thousand years ago. This identity which I now realize will be my hamster wheel, until I die, and that life force which was Shin'Ar in this lifetime begins a new identity in another life form.
Shin'Ar's delusion dies with him. That identity becomes memory.
The new incarnation will also be challenged with discerning the reality of this hamster wheel, until such time as my true life force evolves in understanding to the point where it no longer requires the learning and understanding of delusional self identity, and actually becomes its true self, void of temporary identity.
Know Thyself!
You are not that which you think you are.
(08-31-2012, 03:17 PM)ShinAr Wrote: [ -> ]You are not that which you think you are.
And we are neither better nor worse than we think we are.
(08-31-2012, 03:23 PM)Gemini Wolf Wrote: [ -> ]And we are neither better nor worse than we think we are.
We are what we are, regardless of our measuring of emotion or state of being.
Glass half full or half empty, it is still just a glass of water.
It is not in the measuring that we should revel. It is in the very fact that there is an unknown intelligence which enables such ability. An attribute of unknown origin which is the true essence of what we are. That we think it is Gemini Wolf or Shin'Ar doing the measuring is inconsequential, except that if we should become aware of the truth of this essence of reality, then the measuring is no longer necessary, as intelligence cannot measure the unknown.
Our temporary indulgence of our state of being serves the purpose of coming to realize the essence behind our existence as the One. As we struggle to achieve that understanding Gemini Wolf and Shin'Ar indulge in the temporary as though it matters in some permanent way.
That delusion will go to the grave with us.
Cyan wrote:
Quote:I have, as a result of my work, come upon the fact that even if i believed i was doing the right thing, or being honest, or trying to be a good person. I have lied tremendously as well as hurt people i love tremendously.
That has made me turn within and ponder my thoughts, emotions and reactions. I believe that for the most part, i am experiencing something similar, thought it isnt apathy as such, it is more like shock at the amount of crap that i have done despite my best efforts to the contrary. And the good opportunity this period of quietness in my life (thought it should be all but) i have withdrawn and started to contemplate what i do. So, i sympathize with you DMC, but i feel it is not apathy, it is lack of momentum considering the massive scale of the challenge ahead in terms of growth.
I feel your pain, Cyan. I think often about the things I regret doing. This is a long slog. You have to keep your head up and take one step at a time. Screw not praying. I'll say one for your continued positive momentum, energy, and well-being.
So I contradict myself. As I said... I'm still feeling this out.