Azrael began, The Eternal transformed, Tanner seeks again and again.
(04-20-2011, 06:40 PM)Azrael Wrote: [ -> ]A little more personally I have always been a dark, sorrowful natured person, with beginnings of "chronic depression" from the young age of 7, the end of my first physical cycle. I did not understand it as I do now for a long time, which is natural, and in high school I went through a gothic sort of phase and indulged in the study of suffering, torture, experimentation and exploitation. It fascinated me, in a way that would be difficult to place in any particular category of morals, it sickened me and intrigued me at the same time. However, above all it began to awaken compassion within me, in a way that I began to pity all those
We are on exactly the same wave in this particular area. Having myself described so accurately was a bit startling. There seems to be a small sub-group of wanderers who have this "dark" persona...not many, but I've met several others. Perhaps it is to show that darkness does not = evil or STS behavior. It is just another part of the light.
I remember writing an essay a few years back, just to get out the thoughts I was feeling at the time, and the last line of it was "The world needs voices, so speak up." Having a voice is a gift of infinite power. Spoken with true and pure belief, a whisper can move mountains.
Welcome to the forum!
I think you manipulate the English language quite well, btw.
Thank you for your kind welcome, and yes that is just it, darkness is not synonymous with evil, it is in fact just another form of light, that of the indigo/violet ray. I have yet to ever see true blackness in reality, it is only simulated as an idea or expression, for my inner light always illumines my gaze and sees the colour in the shadow. I hope I can do enough moving to do what needs to be done.
Hello brother and welcome to the forum.
I've just read your story. Fascinating! Thank you for sharing.
I hope that you find this place interesting enough and decide to stay here for a while, even though most of us are probably from Confederation. As I told you in another thread I do believe that the Law of One teachings can only be taught by Confederation as Law of One sees all things as One, which is not the case with the “Empire” or whatever word you choose to use. But I would be glad if you could share your understanding and thoughts in more details if you don't mind to derail your own thread, as I am genuinely interested in your opinions.
I have never told that to any living soul except ahktu but maybe it is time for me to put all my cards on the table so to speak. If there is any truth to those perceptions I have about my past then I have “lost” a brother/lover/mate to STS. Considering billions of years in this octave it might have happened somewhere at some point. In fact, I would like to suggest – who had not “lost” brothers because of the choice, but don't remember it?
I have the perception that something happened (Harvest on some Earth where we were stationed probably?) and we got separated. Next time I met him was on "neutral ground". We've met on couple occasions, but it did not work out for either of us (made us to depolarize?). Therefore, despite my own extremely negative upbringing I still love and understand them. I do believe that they are our brothers and sisters and even dislike those very words, them/us. “Their” path is “our” path, and yet, unfortunately there exists a choice of taking one of those two paths.
I do not think that I have “dark” inclinations myself other than distortions coming from the love for my lost brother. That is why I dislike the choice and separation of paths so much. That is why I react very strongly when people seem to use the word STS as a curse. That is why I am so compassionate about Orion entities and STS. With that said it does not mean that I approve what they are doing. On contrary, during a self evoked experience with partially removed veil I found out that the group I am a part of is of Confederation. Therefore, I am a part of this indoctrination that you are speaking of. I find joy and love in this unity, of both my social memory complex and the Confederation. I have no intentions of choosing any other path than the path of my soulgroup which is a part of my very self definition. However, I am genuinely and very interested in your opinions, and think that they can add a dimension to our understandings.
Azrael - the angel of death. But not in the crude way of what we normally refer to as death; but death of separation and differentiation, and emancipation of fellow beings through the understanding that suffering has wrought.
On reading your story, Azrael, that is the impression that I got. Nice to have you here and I hope to learn much from you.
By the way, I feel the following from you was profoundly exquisite. Thanks for saying it so clearly and courageously.
May the One Infinite Creator be praised and glorified.
(04-20-2011, 06:40 PM)Azrael Wrote: [ -> ]However, above all it began to awaken compassion within me, in a way that I began to pity all those torturers and depraved people. To me, I began to see they are truly the tortured souls, being lead to all sorts of cruelties in accordance to their nightmares and demons. They are those who truly cannot see the nature of the darkness around them.
Thank you for your appreciation, I hope for all the same things.
(04-20-2011, 06:40 PM)Azrael Wrote: [ -> ]I cannot deny that part of my progress has been subsidied with some drug experimentation, something I feel to have been quite necessary. Whether or not this is so for everyone is entirely subjective, but on my particular path my experiences with LSD in particular have done what I'd say is like allowing a foot in the door, it burned my curiosity.
Welcome, Azrael, and thanks for sharing!
You might be interested in this thread:
Life on Planet Earth > The Spiritual Use of Entheogens
(05-03-2011, 01:50 AM)Azrael Wrote: [ -> ]You know in Japan white is the colour of death?
With that said, do not be so concerned what "path" others are on or where they have lead themselves. Nothing is pre-determined but EVERYTHING is purposeful, this is what makes the universe so fantastically procreating at all times. That is to say that there are lessons to be learned, and especially in this dimension we have absolutely no right to designate anyone as "STS" OR "STO" because realistically we are limited in our perceptions of the souls of others.
White is the color of death in China too.
I agree with honoring those who put themselves in STS. They chose the harder working, although they didn't know it at the time. Fortunately according to Ra, changing over to STO actually gets easier as they polarize more, not harder. So I guess the least fortunate "victims" of STS are those who definitely chose but then didn't focus on "doing it right" and increasing their polarity. Not that I know what that means on a practical level.
Ankh, thanks for putting cards on table. I have no insight to give you about your ancient loss other than it will resolve eventually. I am typing this in the morning, after finishing my Kona coffee. It's the only time of day that my depressive condition is virtually gone, although I can have a cup or two of tea after lunch and that also helps.
I learned that, while female victims of depression can be sad and cry, males often express depressive disorder by exhaustion. I was so sleepy some days that I would have to take a nap to get through. My sister pointed me in the right direction, and now I have a prescription and some supplements that help a lot.
Maybe when Ra talked about brothers and sisters of
sorrow, they meant of depressive disorder. :-/
(05-03-2011, 11:51 AM)kycahi Wrote: [ -> ]Maybe when Ra talked about brothers and sisters of sorrow, they meant of depressive disorder. :-/
Ra characterized such folks as suffering from severe alienation at least.
Hi Azrael,
since you mention your interest in alchemy, did you do some work there?
I think it goes much much beyond what many people think it is ... Maybe the symbolical meaning was prevalent, like discovering the gold within - the lump of gold aka the spark of the divine creator that each and everyone of ourselves possesses.
But then, I guess the enlightened adept of the highest order would also be able to transform matter. In a way that things he touches would become gold or whatever else he wants them to be.
"Mind over matter".
I believe the symbolic meaning was prevailent,as you say, the revealing of the "Christ-consciousness" within. I'm also aware that Alchemy is part of how Gnosticism survived the purges of the Christians. I have seen multiple techniques for alchemical work, some involve actual working of chemicals and metals, others have to do with alchemy of energy, others of pyramidal energy, others with inner refinement, one called "precipitation", also the kabbalic/hermetic methods. Alchemy is actually a vast field capable of many peculiar phenomenon. The Gold creating "Philosophers Stone" from most of congruent sources I've seen show that it is in fact a white powder called Projection Powder which must be refined over time. The alchemists believe that ore evolves as well, base metals gradually over-time becoming golden. Thus, an alchemist claims to do in a short amount of time what would take nature thousands of years. This is true for inner foundational alchemy, as you say, discovering the golden Higher Self within and embodying, or "constructing the bodies" as they put it. It is the art of crafting a soul.
Of course, I have yet to do a successful materialization myself, but mostly for lack of trying I believe, I'm not too interested in gold, and I still have basic training to complete before I will be suited for true inner alchemy.
(05-03-2011, 01:50 AM)Azrael Wrote: [ -> ]It is strange, you know, having been so powerful for so long, and now I am weak, in poor health, am dollar-less and in constant depression, but this is just a mask, a shell that must needs express my inner personality of transformation.
I thought about you when I read the below Q'uo session from September 23, 1990:
Quote:The goal of spirit is not happiness, for that suggests a static, unmoving self, comfortable, and unchanging. Evolution suggests continual change, continual new learning, and continual dropping off of that which is no longer helpful in the process of spiritual evolution. Thus, in order to distract them, or in some way focus them away from the mundane and everyday world, many entities choose to incarnate with illnesses, diseases and unhealthful situations of mind also, that are deemed necessary by the self and the greater Self, in order to give to the pilgrim the best possible chance of learning the lessons, of having the realizations and the transformations occur, that you yourself felt were needed.
_______________________
When preincarnative choice has given to you a difficulty, have faith that you are a spirit advanced enough to participate in your own destiny, that occurrences do not happen simply by chance, that the seeming poverty, the seeming limitation, the seeming difficulty, the seeming illness, is also a forthright aid in setting up a circumstance in which a lesson of love can be learned under adverse conditions.
Full session:
http://www.llresearch.org/transcripts/is..._0923.aspx
Quote:I think that there must be a third path, the invisible path between the other two, Service to the One, the trinity resounds here with me. Mathematically, as a proportion it could be expressed a + b::a + (a+b), beautiful! The Three, in the Two, in the One! They say it is best to play to your strengths and I can ramble endlessly.
I've heard that before, from other Wanderers, but I think that they confused it with something else, because though they regarded themselves to be "neutral" they still served everyone around them. Maybe the concept of serving/helping each other is confused with some other concept from denser realms that we don't remember right now? I mean if someone asks for your help right now upon this Earth, don't you put your personal problems aside for a while to offer that help? We all do what we can. Maybe it's enough, just by being here, together, and help each other when it is asked for.
I will have to read that, for certain!
My dear Ankh, the third is merely the illusion of the two dispelled. All is self, there is only service.
I don't know why I never asked you this right at the start, my brother, but I have had it in my mind since I've read it. What is it and what do you mean by it:
(05-03-2011, 01:50 AM)Azrael Wrote: [ -> ]I associate with death, I even thought up a fancy "scientific" name for my patterns, Chameleon Syndrome.
AH, it is simply an allusion to my flexible persona in that I see my personality as being quite dynamic and not particularly static. I realize that at every moment I have the choice of what kind of personality I would like to express, and that I can infinitely warp it, as well as my external appearance, to turn myself in to literally any human I would like. I am a Virgo, being mutable Earth, notable by adaptability, however I can add other elements to this Earth to alter the state of my personality. Of course, there is a state which I feel is most suitable to my current life conditions and the language, concepts and personality I use reflect the function I express through myself, but this is simply in the manner of playing the part. This relates to Death since Death as a concept is really just an expression of transition, the death of personality and so I experience the death of my personality every day, every moment, I am dead and born anew. Thus I am never caught up in the moment past or the moment ahead, I am at all times transitioning through the One moment, changing an infinite number of faces, emotions and personalities all summing down to the simple expression and demeanor which is the tip of the iceberg. What comes from me is very carefuly and precisely chosen, every word I speak is considered so that I may realize their transience, that ultimately I am an arbiter of change in the system by interacting my own pattern with the greater pattern.
(05-03-2011, 02:09 PM)Azrael Wrote: [ -> ]In my memory I feel like I did indeed make it as far as possible in the realm of STS, I have the strong impression that I hit the wall and now I am humbly having to accept my need for a change in polarity before I can progress any further. After the fourth density there is little interaction with other beings, almost like developing your own personal void with which to isolate yourself and do your workings. STS is concerned with one singular thing, personal power, that is where the association with enslavement comes from. For me, I have been a general of vast armies, fought in wars on numerous planes of existence, lost countless lovers, wandered endlessly for thousands of years, all for the sake of power. I have memories of attacking my own kingdom for the sake of increased power, meshing with demons and angels with all sorts of absurd energies. When you go along the path to STS it is exactly that, you eventually lose desire for controlling other selves because it is seen that the highest form of control is self control. You become so self-indulgent in your own power that you disillusion yourself in to believing you are all that is necessary for existence, you lose the recognition of other-self and self, there is only self. You become enslaved by your own power until eventually you discover that you have nothing more to do with it. When you only believe in yourself what need do you have for powers of manipulation and destruction? You have absolutely no choice but to turn those powers of control to powers of protection because there is nothing more that can be done with the self until it is recognized that the self is multiple in nature. Polarity is just a means of gaining power, and all work is good. I see STS as searching for the one through singularity and STO as searching through multiplicity, the singularity will always be revealed as just one in a system. I find there is little need to express the nature of third density STS, because in this place neither STS nor STO are thoroughly defined because we are currently in the throes of the choice, the working use of the two paths doesn't come until the next density I would believe. In this place, forget labels, decide what kind of work you want to do and do it, that is all that is important.
Also, I would agree that many wanderers possess a depressive state due to their deep contemplations, particularly concerning the state of suffering and the human condition. This is very particular of old souls whom have already experienced compassion I feel. For me, I think I have some depression because of the realization of my need for polarity shift and as a result have become over-empathetic towards suffering, I must be wary of martyrdom.
The part about being a general and all that really stood out to me because I´ve been in those shoes. I´m a Wanderer from 6th density with dark undertones and as such don´t really understand how certain people could be of such a "light" essence as if there isn´t any darkness in them. Maybe they´re relatively young souls and not as “seasoned” as those who walked both paths. I know I have gone through the STS path to the highest I could and now I´m STO but I agree with you about forgetting the labels and simply be in the present and just do it. Now balancing my heavy intellectual inclinations with more love, got plenty of opportunity to do that. And, I guess that "dark" STO Wanderers are quite well-suited to serve on Earth at this time due to the denseness and negativities here, it´s like we can run those energies through our systems and effectively transmute them. Perhaps clearing part of those energies we´ve created in the first place long ago.
(This is my first post here, hehe, ever since I´ve studied the LOO since a few years ago.)
I think you and I are in natural resonance for sure! The largest challenge is definitely calming the ego of the mind, for the STS path is marked by skipping over the communicative energies and thriving on the pure intellect, secrets being the tenet of one's power. So like me I feel you are in a state where you have to translate all the darkness within you and channel it through the blocked gate allowing it to experience the natural light of expression. Thus we will take all the internal wisdom (dark light) and by transmuting it through the 5th gate it is possible to expound that light outwards. We must always remember that infinite negative energy is potentially infinite positive energy, should the choice to alter the polarity occur.
why is it that being static and comfortable is not okay? what if one wants to be static and comfortable or evolve at a pace they're comfortable with? what point is there to evolve simply to evolve? isn't the point to see and create beauty and things of interest, and have fun? isn't that why god started this game?
Static and comfortable are not the same thing. Things are never static, even atoms are constantly in constant interaction, transition is a natural part of all processes. There is nothing wrong with going at your own pace, which is exactly the point, everyone beholds beauty in a different way. Don't get me wrong, I love the beauty of the forms of this world, and I love this world and I express my joy through fascination with the subtle mechanics. You are not doing anything in err, you have your own perception of enjoyment and fun. For myself, I like evolving, changing, and pounding my consciousness with challenges and trials to reach ever higher concepts, this is what is fun, beautiful and interesting in my own eyes! So long as you are comfortable with your RATE of change, then you should not worry.
semantics. static is what it is. you can be moving while static.
If you choose to believe that you are certainly entitled to, but I assure you that everything about you is subject to change.
i take umbrage with that.
That is okay, you do and think whatever feels comfortable for you. I am in no way intending to inhibit that.
okay dokay Guru Pitka. i'll just go lie down in my static and umbrage. not that i know what umbrage means but hey. if you got it, cherish it right.
I can't imagine you would cherish annoyance and offense.
Well perhaps you've found what suits you then!
i don't like the color umbra.