Bring4th

Hey folks! I was hoping some of you could offer some advice for me. I have been meditating on this for some time and the solution remains quite evasive.

For starters, I love my parents both more than anything else. That said, we have our differences. I am 23 and recently graduated from University with a degree in Engineering, only to realize in my last semester that the established engineering society only works to perpetuate our Earthly problems, while suppressing the solutions. I love engineering, but there is no place for solving problems in modern engineering, only perpetuating this consumption based society where the few benefit from the rest. I should have gotten a degree in horticulture, as that is where my passion lies. My parents have a hard time accepting this (read, WILL NOT), as I spent 4 years and accrued a large amount of debt getting this (now useless) degree.

Now, I realize I want to embrace the old hippie lifestyle. I don't desire money, material possessions, a car, anything but the necessities. I fully embrace what the Buddha meant when he said to only gather enough food for the day, for you don't know if you'll be here tomorrow, so why waste time preparing for something that might not occur.

This is the time I must include the fact that my parents are both the quintessential asleep American. 6 Hours a day of reality TV and fake news (propaganda), along with massive consumption and pollution. I love them to death, but this is the reality of the situation. It is to the point where you might even consider them "defenders of the status quo". My father even accused me of being 'brainwashed' with all this new age mumbo jumbo and conspiracy. They knowingly poison themselves and my innocent little niece with foodstuffs, and I'm brainwashed... Also, they are part of the 1% (i.e. 3 houses, 4 cars, etc.) They provided me a very easy (and great) childhood, albeit at the expense of seeing how the world really is for most people.

Now, what I want to do is WWOOF (google), which is basically going around the world on organic farms, working 4-6 hours a day in exchange for a place to live and organic food provided (no $). This is perfect for me, as working with plants is all I want to do at this point in my life. I love improving the soil of Gaia and nurturing plants, and I don't require money to do what I love. I do not fear death, but rather welcome (but not seeking out early) my transition into the other planes of reality (again, a hard thing for them to hear from their son, being educated by Fox News and reality TV).

Now, I'm NOT looking for advice on how to get their permission to do this, as I don't require it, and have even done it before for a month. What I AM looking for is advice on how to help them see my point of view and understand that this is my life, and to just accept me for who I am and support me (emotionally) in my decisions.

I have talked to them before many times about this, and they don't even listen. Rather, they take offense to what I say because they realize how they live their lives is completely opposite to how I want to live mine. I never speak with judgement or condemnation, but they take it this way, I suspect because they feel guilty deep inside and just externalize this to me.

Realize, these are not peaceful conversations. They escalate very quickly very fast because they are emotional people (my mom kicked my dad out of the house one night because of a disagreement on the proper spelling of a word in Scrabble). They almost always end with my mother in tears, telling me I am throwing my life away and screaming at me, and my dad telling me I'm going to change my mind in a year and my life will be ruined by then, always assuming I am exactly like them. I usually end up leaving for the night until they calm down. I never show emotion, and just accept what they say and try to reiterate my world view, hoping they someday accept it.

Again, I am looking for advice on how to help them realize this is who I am, and to just accept me and let me live my life and let me take care of myself. I will be leaving for a farm in Austin, Texas soon regardless, I just don't want to leave with ill feelings between us. I am at a loss of how to approach this, as I have tried approaching from every direction. Any advice?

PS: I am only looking for advice on the subject, not life advice, thanks. Also, my relationship with my parents is AWESOME, when we don't talk about subjects like the economy, spirituality, political affairs, etc. Its hard for them to even listen to ideas that go against the status quo, even though I listen to theirs. I should also include I have been living with them for the past month since I graduated college, until I found a job. I have been looking for an engineering job for awhile, before I recently realized I don't want to do it. Regardless, entry level engineering jobs don't exist in this economy for mechanical engineers, as I have applied for hundreds.

(10-07-2012, 06:34 PM)MichaelD Wrote: [ -> ]Again, I am looking for advice on how to help them realize this is who I am, and to just accept me and let me live my life and let me take care of myself. I will be leaving for a farm in Austin, Texas soon regardless, I just don't want to leave with ill feelings between us. I am at a loss of how to approach this, as I have tried approaching from every direction. Any advice?

I'd start with attempting to become 100% congruent with all of your decisions on your own terms. If you have doubt or survival concerns that will certainly be expressed tacitly to your family members who will echo it back. Also when you don't show emotion, ensure that you are also not feeling them because that is similarly expressed just as well. What I am advising is not merely managing your parents, it's getting to know yourself which will eventually support any endeavor.

Primarily, your parents are probably concerned about your well being and if you can express that consistently and effortlessly then they may actually learn something about how people can live happily in unimagined ways. But right now, you are relatively young, probably uncertain about how certain things may be achieved which your parents may be leveraging to dissuade. You can't get around that lack of experience, but at any one point in time you can make the best decisions (which will never be later regretted) by being completely honest with yourself.

Thanks zen. I'll keep that in mind. The lack of experience issue is largely the problem, however I see it as a good thing in my worldview. I'm lucky enough to have woken up young instead of having decades and decades of brainwashing in school and through TV, being told that THIS is the way the world works and we must all go to our jobs we hate to get the new car and put presents under the tree and and buy pills and eat our portion or meat everyday, etc. Regardless, my view on the lack of experience doesn't help my situation. You're right, the best way to show them my way of life is viable for me is to just live it. It takes time though, and Doesn't help the immediate situation before I leave. Its hard for me to leave with ill feelings between us, because I know the experience of not saying a proper goodbye to someone and then losing the chance to do so before your loved one makes the transition.

(10-07-2012, 07:34 PM)MichaelD Wrote: [ -> ]It takes time though, and Doesn't help the immediate situation before I leave. Its hard for me to leave with ill feelings between us, because I know the experience of not saying a proper goodbye to someone and then losing the chance to do so before your loved one makes the transition.

I was going to say one thing that may help is to articulate their concerns back (with some thought on the matter) so that they know you listened fully and at least their job of communicating was accomplished. That shows respect and willingness to listen and is generally a mature trait in all relationships. I'm sure others will join the discussion.

I like the farm idea by the way and what people like Marcin Jakubowski are doing.

Thats a good point zen. Sometimes when I get frustrated I just accept whatever it is they are saying and just agree, without acknowledging I really took to heart what they said (parents, friends, strangers) so it can be over. I am working on it as I don't particularly like that about myself. I will keep that in mind. Thanks.

And for the farms, yes I like it too. I believe every problem on Earth can be solved in a garden. Seeing as agriculture is the main way we communicate with Gaia as a species, organic farming makes sense so we can take care of our mother as she has nurtured us. The problem nowadays is organic farmers are having a hard time getting started. It produces more food in the long run, but more people are trying it starting from nothing. Also, it takes a bit of labor to control weeds and stuff. I think it is my duty (personally) to help them get started and help them stay producing so our population can start being healthy again. It is pretty hard to become 'enlightened' on a steady diet of sodas, fast food, etc. Also, a wise man once said, "people are always going to have to eat."

I had a similar situation happen in my life.

Remain centered. Check into yourself (seek within) when you feel centered to make decisions about your course of action. Have discussions with parents when they are more centered (not when their amygdala is being hijacked out of fear, anxiety, etc.,). If emotional charge spikes, just stop, take a deep breath, ask them to take a deep breath with you, take some time off and continue the discussion when they are more centered.

What worked for me was validating my parents' emotions surrounding the issue, staying grounded and neutral when my parents were emotional, and being able to re-frame my reason for my action as a benefit to the family (because it did in the long run... I developed more into my self and it shifted all our relationships for the better).

Unexpectedly, my parents got a dog soon after I embarked on my "journey," and this dog was really high maintenance (standard poodles). Once they got busy with fussing over the dog, they gave me less fussing lol. lucky me.

They still tease me and make comments about my pay check (they ask me if I volunteer although it's an "average" salary).

Edit: Just wanted to add, I had a sensible plan that my parents could see that I was making sensible choices. Guess this might not apply to you since you are an adult, but we're always a child in our parents eye, you know.

Michael, congratulations for following your own personal guidance and doing what's best for you!

Every parent wants what's best for their child, but sometimes religious, political, economic, or other dogmas cloud their vision. My advice is to not attempt to break apart their dogmas, because that is a daunting task and often results in discord; but to focus on what you know: that they really do love you and wish the best for you. Remember that, on a soul level, they know you really are doing what's best for you, even though their personalities might not recognize it while incarnate here in 3D. Trust that your soul and theirs had a pre-incarnational contract for this very catalyst, and trust that their Higher Selves will guide them through this.

It sounds like you have already been handling it quite well! That's awesome that you and they have a great relationship otherwise; that will hold you together during this difficult time. Love will prevail! You're also fortunate that money need not be a factor in your decision, as it so often is with the 99%.

Your story reminded me of another person who walked away from his parents' dream for him, and even a fortune, to follow his heart. You might enjoy and identify with his story:

http://www.johnrobbins.info/about-john/

http://www.eatveg.com/robbinsfather.htm

Best wishes on your journey!

(10-07-2012, 09:24 PM)MichaelD Wrote: [ -> ]It produces more food in the long run, but more people are trying it starting from nothing. Also, it takes a bit of labor to control weeds and stuff.

Yes, how to solve the problem of the expense of large-scale organic farming?

---

(10-07-2012, 09:24 PM)MichaelD Wrote: [ -> ]I believe every problem on Earth can be solved in a garden.

“The ultimate goal of farming is not the growing of crops, but the cultivation and perfection of human beings.” -Masanobu Fukuoka

MichaelD, whatever it is you will do, I express my best wishes for a wonderful future, a future in which you would have accumulated the power to serve others with great love. I do not personally really think you need any wisdom from here. Probably, what you need is an outlet to express your inner world, without inhibitions, before a warm and accepting community. B4th is that in many ways.

Once again, my best wishes to you, as your legs begin their journey in a new cycle of your life. All the very best.

Good luck with your parental issue MichaelD. Not sure I have much advice to offer in that area.

I wanted to say thank you for what you are trying to do. I'd love to hear about your experiences through WWOOF. I share the same passion you do for transforming agriculture. I have been farming for a couple years now, and you should know that volunteers like yourself do a lot to help make this a viable option for many small farms. Keep up the good work. Know that, even if you cannot escape aggravating your parents, what you are doing has a very literal and direct effect on the state of our food system. It's a very important role you play.

(10-07-2012, 10:46 PM)zenmaster Wrote: [ -> ]

(10-07-2012, 09:24 PM)MichaelD Wrote: [ -> ]It produces more food in the long run, but more people are trying it starting from nothing. Also, it takes a bit of labor to control weeds and stuff.

Yes, how to solve the problem of the expense of large-scale organic farming?

Challenging the mindset of seeking to consume and produce the cheapest food possible would do a lot to help alleviate this problem.

Also, programs and opportunities like what MichaelD is participating in do a lot for this issue as well. People can gain invaluable experience while directly helping to alleviate the financial pressure for many responsible farmers. It's a good example of how helping people connect with others within their passion can help transform many of the harmful aspects of our society.

Thanks for the help and reassurance B4th! These forums have been such a boon to me since I found them. I enjoy helping small scale organic farms get off their feet and into the local farmers market. It is indeed my passion. Thanks for your advice Monica and Rie. I will keep that in mind.

MichaelD

I love your idea! I googled the WWOOF as I was not very familiar with it. As a parent, I would suggest that instead of talking in gereralities about this plan, move forward with your research and have a fairly detailed plan in place, with some concrete details, when you speak to them next. For example, which country do you plan to do your work in? I could find no sponsors in the US (though I may not completely understand the whole program).

Also as a parent, I would respect your desire to do something "for awhile" to "give back", instead of talking about making a wholesale lifestyle change that you are, in their minds, somehow locked into. Perhaps you could begin this quest on a smaller scale - at least in your presentation to them - similar to a backpacking trek across Europe. Many college grads take a bit of a break to get to know the world a little better, and to be sure of their place in it.

Please keep us posted on your progress.

Whatever you decide to do, you will be successful!