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Full Version: How do you learn from/understand catalyst when it doesn't make any sense?
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I should start this by saying that I was never sure whether I'm a wanderer or not but I do feel a strong connection to the concept.If you cannot deal with negativity at this moment, do not read this.

I was a sickly kid (allergies,asthma, etc), could never really make any sense of people being mean to me even during childhood (and there was plenty of that s*** from family members and "friends") and I've always seen myself as an outsider, I never really fit any particular social circles or groups or teams, it was like...whenever I thought I found my place as a pebble in the pond, the pond would just spit me out again...bad pebble!

Anyways, at some point I left home to go study and suddenly all my allergies dissapeared, my social issues were persisting BUT I did a really good job studying and just blazing (is that the right word?) through degree after degree and success after success. So I knew that I was doing well in at least 2 big "sectors" of my life.

2010 was probably the worst year in my life (or was it?) and the best at the same time. I was exposed to spirituality at that point and I felt I had started figuring out what had been going on in my life previously. My first thought about people being mean to me in the past was "Aw they must had been jealous...but jealous of what? And how does that explain family members?". I studied the LOO, the Seth material and whatever I could get my hands on and thought I got the answer. Noone was ever jealous, it was just me, I was bringing people's insecurities out just by being present. I thought about this over and over again, tried to see if I was actually doing something to cause such reactions but the conclusion/realisation was the same. I tested it, in occasions were someone was treating me in a bad manner I would intentionally keep my calm and tell myself "This is not something you are doing to them, stay calm, this is fight between A and A's self, not a fight between A and you". So I figured that it was my aura, energy or whatever you want to call it, me sense of understanding myself, a sense of calmness and a sense of certainty that was causing some people to automatically attack me and some others to just love being around me.

Understanding all this changed me from a lonely, remote person to rather warm and social. and for a year or so it had been getting better and better. Still a bit lonely, but much more capable of making friends, striking conversations, lifting people's moods, working with them on their problems and generally just making people smile (I guess that would be my drug, i really enjoy making people smile).

Now to the problem. I thought I had dealt with all the bullshit, I had understood all the catalyst even though it took years and was ready for new catalyst, challenges, development, whatever one would call it. And everything just started falling apart.

In the past three/four months all the catalyst I went through since I was a child seems to be coming back. I made choices which have brought me were I am today, i was doing the whole "follow your heart, trust yourself, trust your intuition, trust your feelings" thing, yet, others have been involved, others who lied to me. I feel there is a bigger picture to all this but I feel drained and unwilling to try and see the bigger picture. Just tired. I cannot even make any sense of the smaller pictures. I have lost faith in others and I have lost faith in myself, meaning that I am afraid to move forward, backward, left or right.

I tried strengthening my communication with guidance, higher self, creator, whatever label seems best. Truth is, I cannot hear any of them or if I do the answer I get seems to be "Go forward, backwards, left and right", so I chose to stay where I am. At this moment I feel that the only thing I want to do is be a passive observer of my life, not because I'm tired and sick of it not making any sense, but because I feel any choice i make will just drop me further into the void. A lot of the time I just imagine myself pointing the middle fingure high up to all the guidance watching over me to simply state that their way of guiding feels cruel.

I should say that meditation, contemplation and anything related don't seem to have the same effects on me that most here report. It might be that my ego is too strong and holding hands with what some would call high intellect. So, I'm trying looking inside and there's too much noise outside or I'm trying to figure it out through dreams but (after several months of trying to understand symbolism) they just don't make sense, so I record them but I avoid trying to explain them cause I just get let down, either because I end up feeling incompetent or completely disconnected. In the meantime, i understand that there are people out there with problems far surpassing mine, but given the fact i am the centre of my universe the only problems I can really, trully identify with are my own.

Thoughts?

Unbound

Have you tried just saying "f*** it" and choosing to simply do what you love and enjoy in life?

I think your issue is thinking that there is anything to fix. There is nowhere to go, and you are doing exactly what guidance is trying to show you, TAKING THE CHOICE IN TO YOUR OWN HANDS.

Because even choosing to "do nothing" (which is impossible), is still a choice.

Could also try the Hawaiian Ho'oponopono directed towards yourself or anyone, the word expresses, and is good to supplement with -

I love you,
I'm sorry,
Please forgive me,
Thank you.

Especially towards yourself, since it seems you have given yourself a very challenging life of catalyst here, and you should give yourself some appreciation not only for your self-dynamic creativity but that you have as such come this far. Smile
Choosing to do nothing is still choosing and at the moment I'm afraid of my choices, doing nothing included.

I reached for what I love doing and that's what f***** me up in the end.

That's pretty much where the confusion started and it's still not making any sense.

Unbound

Are you sure you are still reaching for the same thing?
In a way...

I was offered an ok job in a great, sunny town...then the opportunity for a great job (what i love doing) in a not so great town was presented. The second job is the kind of research that could help people, the kind of thing I would love researching about. I rejected the first and reached for the second. Turns out those guys were just bullshitting me...i never received any answer to follow up phone calls and emails, not even a "We decided not to hire you". That's what pisses me off mostly, not getting a decent honest reply, when they knew I'd given up everything for this position.

So i ended up running and the worst thing is, I can't run from myself.

Unbound

I think you already know what you have to do for yourself, my friend. Smile
Enlighten me...I really have given up trying to convince myself that I know or understand anything.

Unbound

Think about it, I know you're good at that.

The point is that you STOPPED reaching for what you love!

Thus, a logical remedy would be to... continue! Smile
Hmmm, thoughtfull, I might dress up, go to a bar and get myself some laughs :-)...thanks

Unbound

Remember, if you lack motivation to reach for what you love, it may be that what you love has changed over time. It is good to regularly check with ourselves what we really, truly do want and love.

Enjoy, much love and light! Smile
Agreed :-)
(11-23-2012, 05:26 PM)W1981 Wrote: [ -> ]...That's what pisses me off mostly, not getting a decent honest reply, when they knew I'd given up everything for this position.

...

Hello W1981,

Have you been in one or many situations in the past of not giving an honest reply to others? If 'yes', have you totally forgiven yourself for this?

Catalysts like to test our 'acceptance' boundaries. As long as it piss you off, this is working.

Keep the light touch.
Beinng dishonest generally makes me feel guilty so I avoid it unless I know an honest reply could hurt someones feelings.

I cannot recall any similar situation where I was being dishonest but I have indeed tried to go through times I was dishonest myself and forgive myself.

The whole situation that has arisen from all this is something that simplybdoesn't make sense, from all the ways I have looked at it this far.

It's not pissing me off,it's just turned out in a way that has diminished all trust in myself.

The earlier conversation helped a bit in that, yet I'm still holding a passive stance to the whole thing,it's like, I'm giving up trying to understand what it all means/teaches.
Hi W !

You MUST watch
"What the BLEEP! do we know ?! down the rabbit hole" ! ! !

It is the BEST "pep talk" I have ever seen ! !
http://www.whatthebleep.com/guestbook/?p=100
www.whatthebleep.com/guestbook/?p=110

I did get the 3 DVD kit and REwatch it again and again ! !

Blue skies.

Meerie

Does it have to make sense?
Remember we are still behind the veil...
Maybe listening to Eckhart Tolle "the power of now" might clear some stuff up for you...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JCgAKCtIzE
more than 7 hrs Tongue Smile
From what you wrote it sounds like you are clinging to past disappointments and have a problem with letting go of that.
Tolle talks about that in great detail.
Enjoy Smile
try looking at the bach flower essences . essences help to clear up issues we are having and to break thru impasses.

norral Heart
The symbolism which you find in dreams are tailored for your understanding. Go with your gut, if you don't understand it, try to make an intention before you go to bed, to see the issue in a clearer way or another light.

If your reaction to catalyst is anything but acceptance and love, there is work to do.

Catalyst "not making sense" would probably instead be that you overthink things and end up not making sense of your IDEA or interpretation.

The noise which you find outside can be reduced by adding heavy, grounding energies. This can be done through the usage of black crystals;black tourmaline being the best choice.

Finding your way inside can be tough when you are "top-heavy" and easily swayed by ambiance.
I keep creating my own catalyst and it's a bit frustrating to me.
What answer are you seeking?
I keep wondering if we really have a choice not to come back here after we pass on.
why are you wondering that?
Rie asked what answer we were seeking. I just answered it honestly. I get the feeling that coming here was foolish. It's like things I love are not really good for me.
I had the same question as you.

The answer for my catalyst that did not make sense:

Faith. And patience.

After years of depression, one day out of the week for many years, I haven't had a down day in 5 weeks. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck, my friend.
Thanks xise. Things aren't horrible. Just that I can't really explore the subconscious or spiritual. I've also been sick a few times this week.
You feeling sick GeminiWolf?
the flu? or what?

what things you love? the furry thing? i am no mighty logos but i don't think loving the things we love is bad. if you're not properly grounded it just seems that way because you get whisked off to another dimension. things can get out of hand but if you get your feet back on the ground you won't blow away with the wind. maybe you need to cool the higher dimensional stuff for now and just focus on grounding. but don't feel bad for loving. just take a break. something like that. maybe.
I'm not sick right now, but Thursday I slept a little too late and my head felt all overcharged and I ended up throwing up, and was out of it all day.

Well, I used to love furry stuff but now it sort of pisses me off. And some Christmas songs make me cry. So things for me have turned upside down for the time being. It's bad because if I see any cartoon anthro on some DVD case it frustrates me. I was at the store today and kept averting my eyes everytime they saw something furry.

I've been taking a break from higher dimensional stuff for the last few months, and still the energy builds in me and makes me uncomfortable.

I've even started doubting that I'm a wanderer. Though that doesn't really mean anything. It may be due to watching too much Happy Tree Friends. It's pretty twisted.
HOW are your lower three chakras Gemini? do you know?
I don't know how my lower chakras are doing. I do my best to avoid messing with anything energy related and let it work itself out. When I try to balance myself out energetically it takes me places I do not like to go.
i'm just concerned the lower three are not open enough but i could be wrong. have you tried working on closing all your chakras to a lesser flow? it seems you have such strong energy currents or something.

do you find something you are doing now is helping? is it helping now that you avoid all that stuff?
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