12-24-2012, 06:27 AM
How may I find courage in the face of change?
Somehow I must find it. I'm happy to have finished 2 year college strong and also to be continually becoming less fearful (at a slow pace). Happy for that stuff but still scared. I might go back and get a 4 year degree but first I have to get a job to save money to get my own home. Right now this is IT. This is my mission and plan in life. This is the gravity well of experience I am stuck in for now. The most sacred thing in my universe right now is simply working a job. In this context, I refer to it as freedom. Yes it is so simple. No external force will complete the mission for me. The creator will guide me but I have to meet god half way. This is the change I fear but...
When my mission is in progress and working toward completion I will be able to buy organic food, meditate in peace, no longer live with negative people who unknowingly drain my energy and instead encourage relationships that promote harmony. It is my happiness, my peace and my dream.
It sounds amazing and excites me but the thought of being in a work place with others, well, scares the bajesus out of me. It sounds ridiculous but this is an expression of the heroes journey.
Instead of sleighing a terrifying dragon and saving the townspeople, I'm wrestling a terrifying emotional dragon.
I'm dealing with the biggest emotional threat I've faced in my lifetime. While I reside in this blanket of time and rest before I have to deal with this, I hope to emerge from this a stronger force for good. As of now my emotions are stable and peaceful but that thing inside me hasn't been dealt with and I know I will have to face it in the coming weeks.
Instead of falling into fear I will attempt to walk through it. That is successful when I feel it as an experience being neither good nor bad. If I see it as bad I will fall into the fear. Realistically I won't be able to perceive it as good till long after the lesson has been learned. Most likely I WILL fall into fear, more than once. Trust me on that one...
I imagine myself fainting in fear. It won't be that bad but still, I'm puzzled at how I'm going to cope with the fear and anxiety that I will soon have to confront. Somehow I have to learn from the fear to I can transmute it into love. C:
I have the rest of my life to polarize and to temper my beautiful inner child with the responsible inner-thingy. I have the rest of my life to learn and grow. I've had a desire to have a spontaneous mystical-healing experience since before I even felt great pain/visited hell. I've had such an experience before but ever since then, this simple lesson I have described above has been what the plants and higher self has been telling me to learn. I've been naive of this to some extent but really there was a fair amount of ignorance and burring my head in the sand. It's right in front of me whenever I care to examine it. Soon I will be forced to examine it (
/) No mystical experience will descend upon me. No amount of meditation will do it for me. I must act. Despite the dragon on the horizon, I feel cleaner, more clear headed and honest than I have felt in a long time. I can see that within this post.
Somehow I must find it. I'm happy to have finished 2 year college strong and also to be continually becoming less fearful (at a slow pace). Happy for that stuff but still scared. I might go back and get a 4 year degree but first I have to get a job to save money to get my own home. Right now this is IT. This is my mission and plan in life. This is the gravity well of experience I am stuck in for now. The most sacred thing in my universe right now is simply working a job. In this context, I refer to it as freedom. Yes it is so simple. No external force will complete the mission for me. The creator will guide me but I have to meet god half way. This is the change I fear but...
When my mission is in progress and working toward completion I will be able to buy organic food, meditate in peace, no longer live with negative people who unknowingly drain my energy and instead encourage relationships that promote harmony. It is my happiness, my peace and my dream.
It sounds amazing and excites me but the thought of being in a work place with others, well, scares the bajesus out of me. It sounds ridiculous but this is an expression of the heroes journey.
Instead of sleighing a terrifying dragon and saving the townspeople, I'm wrestling a terrifying emotional dragon.I'm dealing with the biggest emotional threat I've faced in my lifetime. While I reside in this blanket of time and rest before I have to deal with this, I hope to emerge from this a stronger force for good. As of now my emotions are stable and peaceful but that thing inside me hasn't been dealt with and I know I will have to face it in the coming weeks.
Instead of falling into fear I will attempt to walk through it. That is successful when I feel it as an experience being neither good nor bad. If I see it as bad I will fall into the fear. Realistically I won't be able to perceive it as good till long after the lesson has been learned. Most likely I WILL fall into fear, more than once. Trust me on that one...
I imagine myself fainting in fear. It won't be that bad but still, I'm puzzled at how I'm going to cope with the fear and anxiety that I will soon have to confront. Somehow I have to learn from the fear to I can transmute it into love. C:
I have the rest of my life to polarize and to temper my beautiful inner child with the responsible inner-thingy. I have the rest of my life to learn and grow. I've had a desire to have a spontaneous mystical-healing experience since before I even felt great pain/visited hell. I've had such an experience before but ever since then, this simple lesson I have described above has been what the plants and higher self has been telling me to learn. I've been naive of this to some extent but really there was a fair amount of ignorance and burring my head in the sand. It's right in front of me whenever I care to examine it. Soon I will be forced to examine it (
/) No mystical experience will descend upon me. No amount of meditation will do it for me. I must act. Despite the dragon on the horizon, I feel cleaner, more clear headed and honest than I have felt in a long time. I can see that within this post.