(01-08-2013, 02:18 AM)MichaelD Wrote: [ -> ]Hi. I am going through something and was wondering if anyone could offer something that might help me.....
...I'm not looking for advice on what to do. I am looking for advice for dealing with extreme sadness and sorrow and grief. I've never felt anything like this before.
PS: Save the sympathy, its not welcome here.
Hi Michael,
Greetings and welcome to you. You are loved and among friends. Though I feel great compassion upon reading your words, I will honor your request and try to offer a little bit of advice on dealing with the grief, without sympathy.
In no way do I claim that my situation is even remotely on the same level as yours, but about 3 months ago I experienced some of the worst grief of my entire life. Maybe some of what helped me can help you.
In my case, I lost a pet, but not just any pet -- one so dear to my heart that it absolutely shattered when it happened. I was overcome with grief. It was not only an old friend, but one that was much more like a child to me. As silly as it may sound in the light of your predicament, it really felt like I lost my baby. It felt
as if a child was cruelly ripped from me and the pain was just indescribable. This whole thing caught me very much off-guard, because I've endured much worse things in my life and it has been many, many years since I felt anything remotely that painful.
Anyway, grief is grief, and I learned a few things that I can share that MIGHT help.
(01-08-2013, 02:18 AM)MichaelD Wrote: [ -> ]I'm just so angry at myself. And so full of sorrow and sadness and grief. Sometimes its all I can do to not break down in the middle of the street when I'm walking. I've never been like this in my life before, but now its my reality. I am trying so hard to figure out why this has happened and what is the lesson to learn here...
My advice is to NOT do all you can to avoid breaking down. Maybe not in the middle of the street, but I would suggest ALLOWING yourself to grieve in a safe place. Many of us suppress or try to reduce these 'negative' feelings. After all, no'one likes to feel bad, and grief feels really, really bad. Our survivor instinct kicks in and stoicism in the face of tragedy can seem, on the surface, to be sensible. Also, If you have a spiritual inclination, you might even feel these feelings of anger and grief are somehow not OK or should be "transcended" and "learned from".
And yet -- this experience has helped me finally learn that any suppression of grief actually retards the healing process. It makes it take longer and leaves knots in your heart that stay with you for a long, long time.
My best advice is to let yourself feel. Let yourself grieve. It's OK to do that, even if you are angry at yourself, or her, or just life in general. It's OK to grieve, it's OK to grieve, and it's OK to be angry.
As for seeking to understand, I think yours is a natural inclination, and it's a very healthy thing to do in the long-run. I am like this... when tragedy strikes, I always search for the meaning, siftiing through the catalyst/experience to find the lesson(s) in it. I feel like I need to find the lesson in order to effectively deal with things, and so I can TOTALLY comprehend how your mind can be frantically searching for the meaning.
In my case, I couldn't find the meaning at first, though I tried. So I did something different. For the very first time in my life, I FINALLY just allowed myself to grieve FIRST and learn the lesson LATER. It all seemed so senseless and unfair!! All of my supposedly evolved higher knowledge went out the window when the reality hit me as I held my lifeless little one in my arms.
So, I cried and cried and cried and cried. I cried until I had no more tears, and then I cried some more. I got up the next day and did it again. In the days that passed, instead of blocking it, or trying to "maintain", for the first time I just let it all flow THROUGH me. Instead of getting "stuck" or "suppressed", I just went into all the grief and sorrow and anger and let myself actually feel it....because IT IS OK TO FEEL IT. I talked it over with a friend who really understands me. I shared my pain with my wife instead of hiding it from her to protect.
If you have someone in your life you trust, I encourage you to share how you feel with them and talk about it. If you have no'one like that, even though I'm a 'stranger', I'll be happy to lend an ear if you'd like to discuss publicly or privately.
I also performed little rituals to help me come to terms, and maybe something like that could help you. There was something so indescribably healing in performing symbolic gestures that were personally meaningful. I actually felt a great relief by going through a burial ritual of my own design, wrapping him carefully in my favorite shirt with the arms crossed as if to hold him in my embrace forever. I left him a lock of hair, said many prayers, and picked special flowers and dedicated them to his memory, etc... I'm sure your process will be different as you and your situation are quite different. But if you listen, your heart will suggest the perfect thing for YOU. It will suggest any rituals to go through that will help you cope as well. Maybe you could buy yourself a little baby sleeper and symbolically bury that with great love. Or carry some object close to your heart that in some way represents him/her. Maybe a tatoo or a painting is what you need... I am sure if you look within, something that will help will arise.
The key, though, is to let yourself grieve FIRST and *THEN* you can figure it all out.
After I had shed all my tears and felt my pain...you know what happened next? After the worst of my grieving was done, THEN it all started to make sense for me. In later meditation, I discovered PROFOUND, PROFOUND, lessons from this experience. This was a deeply karmic significant event for me, and I now see it as a gift. Not a painless gift, but a gift all the same. I now see it in a positive light, even if I am still mourning just a little.
After the pain had passed, I could remember my belief in reincarnation and the absolute ETERNALNESS of the soul, and it no longer felt like an empty platitude, but a certainty. Neither your baby nor my cat can ever truly be separated on a soul level and you will probably have many lifetimes together and have all sorts of future adventures.
Honestly, I distilled amazing insight and meaning about myself and my life path from my grief experience, which was all the more amazing because it seemed so senseless at first. It all just flowed effortlessly.. I just had to get past the grieving before it all made sense and my lessons were clear.
I know that you too will one day make sense of what happened. You'll find the lessons to be learned and you'll be a better person for it. You will grow and you will transcend the pain eventually. It may always hurt just a little bit, but you will heal overall. You
will heal. You won't be broken forever, I promise. You will understand. Healing and understanding both will come -- but no'one says it has to happen instantly. It's OK to grieve first, and figure it out later. Give yourself time, please.
That is my advice, my friend, distilled from this long-winded post. Know also that you are never alone, and that you are loved. Speaking for this community, I can say without reservation that we love you.
Namaste
Love to all