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Brittany

So within the past several years I've had a LOT of people ask me for relationship advice. I can only assume this comes from the knowledge that after 6 years I still maintain a very successful relationship with my husband...far longer than most marriages make it these days. Since I almost always say the same things, I figured I'd put it all in one place. I acknowledge up front that different things work for different people. These are simply the things I personally have found very effective in maintaining a successful monogamous relationship.

1.Know what you want. I can't even count the number of people who have come to me, whose problems stem entirely from the fact that they and their significant other are just not compatible at all. When loneliness reaches its peak, it's easy to go with anyone simply to relieve the craving for companionship, regardless of whether you share any common goals or interests. The relationship is sustained by the excitement, the sugary sweetness and, in some cases at least, the wild and passionate sex. These things are all guaranteed to fade with time, however, and often what seemed like a perfect match becomes marred as annoying habits and conflicts of interest are brought to light. Suddenly the fact that he's a slob and she's a gossip becomes more noticeable. It becomes apparent that there is no foundation to solidify the relationship, and a gradual and frustrating process of drifting apart is the usual product of this equation. Therefore, in my opinion at least, it is important to take some time to consider what it is you actually want in a relationship. Know what is absolutely mandatory in a partner and which issues you would be willing to compromise on; what is preferred and what constitutes an absolute no-go, no matter how sweet, attractive or convenient the other person is. Once these standards have been established, stick with them. It takes discipline to overcome the programmed need to attach oneself to anyone or anything simply to avoid loneliness, but knowing what you want ahead of time and sticking to your guns will save you and your partner a lot of pain and frustration in the long run.

Now, I'm not saying it's bad to experiment. Most people will need multiple partners to even get to a stage of knowing what they truly prefer in a relationship. I went through numerous relationships before hitting the stage of "Okay, I could actually spend my life with this person." However, do not go into an experimental state expecting a lifelong commitment. Expecting to marry every person you date is going to lead to a lot of broken hearts and crushed dreams. At the same time, asking yourself "Can I imagine spending the rest of my life with this person?" can be an eye-opening experience.

2. It's a give and take. As said above, it is important to have standards in a relationship. However, it is also very important to learn to be flexible. Contrary to what books, movies and love songs would have you believe, there is no perfect person out there who will possess absolutely every trait you deem desirable in a human being, with no flaws to speak of. If you find that *no one* meets your standards, or your relationships dissolve for the same reasons again and again, perhaps it's time to consider lowering your expectations.

I've heard so many girls say "I deserve to be treated like a princess!", yet instead of a prince to rule alongside them they want a servant to wait at their feet. The same of course applies to men as well. A successful relationship is a joint effort that involves equal input and output from both parties. Whatever you demand out of your partner, be willing to give back the same amount or bitterness will quickly blossom. I've seen plenty of relationships wrecked by double standards- by people quick to point out the flaws in their mate while remaining suspiciously oblivious to their own.

In my relationship, for example, I've learned to tolerate my husband's tendency to be disorganized while he has learned to tolerate my obsessive-compulsive need to maintain an unrealistically spotless environment. We usually meet somewhere in the middle: he does his best to put his trash in the trash, his clothes in the hamper and his dishes in the sink, and I at least wait until he leaves the room to go back and re-clean the kitchen the right way after he attempts to do it. I realize that my perspective is just as distorted as his, and we do the best we can to appease each other without holding unreal expectations.

3. It's all about you. Closely tied in with #2, I could also call this axe the projection. Usually when someone comes to me with a relationship problem, it involves one of these phrases: "He always/never ____." or "If I ____, I'm sure she'll ___." or "He's just afraid that ____." The first thing I always say is to turn that sentence around and apply it to yourself. For example, if someone says "she would never forgive me if I did such and such", what that person is really saying is "I couldn't forgive her for doing it" or "I couldn't forgive myself for doing that".

In truth, you have no way of knowing with certainty how another person will react to any situation. You can only know and choose your own reactions. If you're afraid your mate is going to do something to hurt you, it is because YOU have a fear of being hurt in that way. Abandonment issues are the most common thing I see in this area; an intense fear of being abandoned or rejected by a mate, usually stemming out of childhood abandonment issues. In any case, thinking you know what someone else is thinking is not only arrogant, but also leads to self-sabotaging behavior, paranoia and completely avoidable anxiety. In my experience, keeping an open mind to another person's perspective can lead to very pleasant surprises, such as "she took that way better than I was expecting."

Likewise, if you just can't get around an annoying habit your mate ALWAYS displays, it likely has to do with a bunch in your own panties. It is really THAT horrible of them to leave the toilet seat up, or is it because you have unpleasant memories of your mother yelling at your father for doing the same thing? Be very careful not to project your own insecurities and flaws onto others, or stormy skies lie ahead.

4. Lose the jealousy. For my husband and I, this was an easy one to discuss up front. Most of my friends are men. Most of his friends are women. We are both passionate people who love to flirt and don't hesitate to bring sexual topics into casual conversation. We knew this about each other when the relationship began, and agreed upfront that we were not going to do the jealousy thing every time one of us looked or talked to a member of the opposite sex.

This is an especial area where establishing boundaries is important. If you absolutely cannot stand the thought of your guy engaging in even casual social behavior with another woman, saying "No, I'm fine with your friends!" is a great way to bullshit the entire relationship. Silently seething while appearing accepting on the outside can very quickly lead to imagined infidelities that can crash a relationship in an instant.

Another disaster zone is to not hold yourself to the same standards. If he can't turn his head at a pretty girl, make sure you don't even glance at that guy with nice pecs that just strolled by or you'll simply paint yourself a big, fat hypocrite. You know you'd never leave her, but you don't know if she'd leave you for another man...and that makes you the good guy and her the untrustworthy one? Give me a break, that's the lamest excuse ever.

Ultimately, if your gal having male friends aside from you (or vice versa) is really *that* distressing, the brutal truth is that you're severely insecure, and should really take the time to develop some self esteem before committing to a mature relationship. It's completely unrealistic to expect your mate to sequester themselves from all contact with the opposite sex when the world is simply full of people. In a way, jealous reactions are programmed into our survival instincts and are, to some degree, somewhat unavoidable, but if you are truly confident with yourself and your relationship, this will simply not be a serious issue.

A more complicated spinoff of the above situation is the "open relationship". A couple decides to be sexually open...until one "on the side" partner turns out to be intolerable to the mate, or an outside party wants to become the dominant party, or it becomes apparent that one party was only saying they were comfortable with the idea when in fact they were not. My mate and I tried this situation, and I have to say I've come to the conclusion that it does not work; at least not without serious complications. After several frustrating episodes we simply decided it would be much easier to keep the relationship closed. However, if such a relationship is pursued (and I have heard of a few successful instances, though not many), it is especially important to establish boundaries UP FRONT, stick with them, and immediately voice any changes in disposition before things spiral out of control, and they will. Fast.

5. Honesty is key. I should have perhaps made this one number one, because probably the MOST prevalent issue I see between couples is a lack of open, honest communication. She expects him to read her mind. He clams up every time they have a fight. He asks her what's wrong and she says "Nothing", when you know damn well nothing is something. In truth, we all like to play these games with each other, and often we do not know we are playing them. We strategically arrange conversations (or lack thereof) to prove what we think we know, or to provoke a desired reaction, or simply to feel good about ourselves. Done right, "presetting" a conversation can have very successful results, but playing such games from the well of personal insecurity is a waste of time that erects unnecessary stumbling blocks in the relationship.

The first key to an open blue ray relationship with a mate is to be brutally honest with yourself. Before you start any kind of serious discussion, take a moment to decipher what your motivation is. Are you reacting out of anger? Are you feigning an emotion to please, or hiding one for the same reason? Are you looking at the situation from a balanced perspective or have you already skewed the playing field with your expectations? If you realize any of these things about yourself, do not make excuses. Do not kid yourself. Take responsibility for your own words and actions and, if need be, excuse yourself until you can communicate in an effective manner.

There have been plenty of times I or my mate or both of us have simply walked out the door and taken a few hours to clear our heads before resuming a "discussion" that was going nowhere. This principle goes far deeper than in depth discussions, however. Relationships can easily be ruined by small but perpetual criticisms, demanding or bullying behavior, nagging, passive-aggressive tendencies or the constant dropping of ultimatums. It is important to be able to talk to someone casually and comfortably without fear of judgment, but it is just as important to remember that every word you speak has power, and this is especially true in the case of someone you have chosen to live with on a daily basis. I really like George Carlin's take on this topic: Before you say anything, ask yourself three questions. 1. Does this need to be said? 2. Does this need to be said by me? 3. Does this need to be said by me now? If the answer to any of the above is no, don't say it.

This concept also involves making oneself available. I've run into plenty of people who won't talk things out with their mate simply because they expect harsh judgment. If you establish up front that you are willing to talk about emotions and issues without judgment, there is a much greater chance that your mate will be willing to discuss issues when they arise. This can also mean prompting a mate who seems hesitant to discuss an issue- letting them know that, though you do not demand it, they can talk to you about anything at any time. Create a safe and welcoming environment in which they can express themselves. Over the years Walter and I have gotten to the point that we can immediately discuss any problems we have in the relationship in a calm and objective way before it has time to stew into an argument. Cut off the beast's head and it has little room to cause mayhem.

6. Blowing it up. While there are many ways to avoid arguments and other forms of relationship turbulence, it is simply inevitable that they will happen at some point. To expect a relationship with no fights and no regrets, ever, is to indulge in delusional behavior. Walt and I both advocate the notion that if you haven't had at least one knock down, drag out, screaming fight with someone, you are not in a serious relationship with them. I also say that until you have the thought "Oh no, this was a terrible mistake", you have not experienced the true joys of having a mate.

There have been plenty of times that Walter and I have stood across the room from one another, screaming at the top of our lungs with tears streaming down our faces, storming around and slamming doors like toddlers that didn't get a toy in their Happy Meals. However, we have learned to not go into these instances thinking "Well, it's all over now." We've had enough fights to realize that at some point we will either wear ourselves down to the point of exhaustion or the issue we're fighting about will simply become irrelevant, and then we'll talk it out like civilized human beings, make up, snuggle, and be happier than we were before. It isn't the anger we've taken out of the equation, but the fear. We have a solid enough foundation of love to fall back on that even in complete fury we can rest assured that the ultimate response will be that of love.

You cannot make a lifelong commitment with another person without getting furiously angry at them at some point or another. That's something I'm willing to bet money on. What often goes overlooked is that at times expressing heated anger is healthy in a relationship. Like crying, it is a type of release- a way of emptying dammed up emotions that would otherwise turn into a vortex of destruction.

IMO, the keys to navigating an argument are 1. Don't try to avoid the inevitable, 2. Don't make it a bigger deal than it actually is, and 3. Take responsibility for what was said and done. When we lose our temper we often say and do things to those we love that we are later ashamed of. Once an argument has ended, it is important to do the necessary cleanup work- to apologize for any slights and make sure the issue is truly resolved. At the same time, it is important to realize that if YOU were the one who got hurt, the other person said and did those things in the heat of the moment, and holding grudges over words said in anger is self-destructive, especially if apologies have already been offered. Be willing to work with each other instead of continually reopening a wound that is attempting to heal.

If needed, take a break until you can look at the issue freshly, but never just abandon a fight as if it didn't happen. Walter and I strictly adhere to the rule Don't go to bed angry. It's classic and cheesy, but for us it really, really works. We've stayed up all night before, and been dragging zombies at work the next day, but when we finally did collapse, it was at peace in each other's arms. The longer you let an issue stew, the harder it will become to mend the gaping wound that started out as a mere scratch.

7. Remember to laugh. I've had several people ask me what I think the defining trait of my relationship with Walter is, and I always say humor. We both possess a morbid, politically incorrect sense of humor that offends most of the people around us. The important thing is that we don't offend each other. We can laugh together, and our life is riddled with inside jokes that make the most unexpected of moments uproariously hilarious.

Humor takes the edge off any strife in a relationship. At times intense arguments between the two of us have simply dissolved upon the insertion of a joke, and I honestly feel like my ability to kid around with this man and expose him to my full sense of humor is what has kept the relationship afloat when all else failed. If you can't laugh with another person, you likely have no business being together.

8. The little things really do count. They really do, and increasingly more so as the time spent together progresses. Things that basically say "I haven't gotten tired of you yet. You are still the apple of my eye." Things to make the other person just feel good inside. Every day I pack Walter's lunch with loving care, sometimes including a handwritten love note. In the mornings, he goes downstairs to scrape the ice off my car and warm it up before I go to work. He'll say he has a craving for Oreos and I'll pick some up on the way home. Little, simple things that make us smile from ear to ear. This kind of thing will get you infinite brownie points. Don't let a beautiful thing fall into monotony, when keeping things fresh is much simpler than it seems.

And there you have it. Pretty much all the advice I have in my book on a mated relationship, though obviously most of these things could apply to any relationship with an other self. It's been a real trial and error process, but these are the things that have kept me woven together with a man I fall more in love with every day, and hope to share a long and happy life with. Cheers.
Excellent advice! You did a great job of covering most of the important points to a successful, monogamous relationship.

Here is (in my opinion) the absolute best book on relationships, with a spiritual (non-religious) foundation:

Shared Heart: Relationship Initiations and Celebrations
by Barry Vissell, Joyce Vissell (the 2nd review was written by me) Beautiful, profoundly useful book!

Also there is thread - something like 'how to find your soul mate' - don't remember the exact name or where it's at - but it also has some great discussion about relationships.

Brittany

I would also like to say that most of the lessons I listed I learned the hard way. All of the big no-nos I list I did at some point, and was lucky enough to have a partner willing to work through things instead of just running at the first sign of trouble. I certainly wasn't wise enough to just know this stuff automatically, and I'm sure there's much I have yet to learn.

Cyan

focus on doing things with your partner, not doing your partner.

Same as, focus on improving things with your partner, not improving your partner. That generally solves all problems. How to get to that point where you dont improve people but rather improve things with people, well, thats just a really interesting question.
Never had a relationship/partner, not really looking either, so for me it's been pretty easy.
(01-15-2013, 07:01 PM)Cyan Wrote: [ -> ]focus on doing things with your partner, not doing your partner.

Same as, focus on improving things with your partner, not improving your partner. That generally solves all problems. How to get to that point where you dont improve people but rather improve things with people, well, thats just a really interesting question.

Perhaps that point is reached when all expectations have been dropped of the other. You know them and you know there faults and there strengths and you are free to just love the other unconditionally in that moment with no attachments or egoistic what if's.

It's like my friend who convinced his girl friend to go to the gym with him. He was doing this more so out of the need for her to improve physically to be more attractive to him rather then improving her health or to cultivate a love of the physical in her.

This ended up in fights with the eventual breakup.
Well said, Brittany Lynn! And happy anniversary (whenever it is).

I'm just finishing up 23 years (Thursday this week) with this 3rd marriage. I have learned a different lesson about "not going to bed angry" in your item #6 - "Blowing it Up". I have learned that on occasion the "blow up" is just because we are both tired and that the best resolution is simply to go to sleep and get some rest instead of staying up all night trying to avoid going to bed angry. Somehow, we almost always wake in each other's arms again and there really is nothing to discuss. On the rare occasion that there is still an issue that needs to be discussed, we've had the benefit of some rest, often the benefit of a consultation with higher selves, and are fresh enough to have a calm, rational discussion over morning coffee.

Cyan

Hint from higher self when running super low on vitality before flameout at 6:30 am

"Here's a hint, stop treating relationships like precious china and more like a camel, yes, i went there"
John Gottman has done research on 'relationship masters' and the 'four horseman of apocalypse'. Interesting stuff:

http://charlescote.blogspot.com/2011/01/...riage.html

http://www.azgrowth.com/4Horsemen.pdf
Great advice Lynn. Smile

We've done 13 years, 1 breakdown, 2 kids......... and our relationship is stronger now than ever before.

Like you say, honesty and trust.

It took us a good while to drop the power play and games.......
hummmmmm , although meby we ever will totally.... but at least we now know each other so well that there fast and funny to recover from.