01-18-2013, 01:58 PM
Wow, so where to begin. I was born into a life where my mother and biological father were already in their final stages of their life together. He was a alcohol and drug addicted womanizer with whom my mother left when I was 11 months old. Shortly after the split, he in turn burned our trailer down though it was never proven.
My mother moved us in with her parents with whom I developed the maternal and paternal bond with more so than my mother since she was working so much. I have my most fond memories with them as a child. I somehow still remember going to this little preschool that my grandma walked me to and from during the day so I couldn't have been more than 3 or 4.
Fast forward a year or two and my mother remarried to my father now. He legally adopted me when my biological father gave up his rights and whom I've never met to this day. He lives comfortably in the Duval County Prison serving 15 years for trafficking narcotics as of a couple years ago.
Growing up, I never really had much of an attachment to my parents. I hardly have any memories of us doing anything though mainly due to the fact that they had to work so much yet had such little money to do anything. Their way of making up for it was to spoil myself and my eventual brother and sister with toys instead of creating actual memories.
As I grew up, the distance between us grew. I considered my two best friends my family. One with whom I've known since 3rd grade and the other since 7th grade. During middle school, I was very disenfranchised as we lived in the country so I didn't have the chance to make any more friends or really do much of anything except sit in my room. I even remember carving the word death into my desk one time which concerned my mom. I felt very lost and extremely lonely. Never really being comfortable with life. Even when my family was in a horrific car accident, I vividly remember not even crying when the police officer came to pick me up from my baseball game and told me. I just always felt like I was adopted. As if this family that always gave me the love that I needed yet I felt as if I could never give that love back because it just didn't feel like my family.
As high school hit and kids from another middle school joined us, we were introduced to drugs. My first drug I ever tried was LSD in 9th grade at school which was an incredible yet incredibly stupid thing to do but boy was it fun lol. Once I felt this wonderful drug, I turned to my two best friends and for the remaining of our high school years, we delved deeper and deeper into LSD
For us, it was never a way to just see cool trails of our hands or see stuff move. It was about contemplating time/space continuum, how ridiculous religion felt to us, astronomy, etc. One of the three of us decided to become born again so it was two atheists against one christian. It never became divisive though as it only fueled our desire to understand our differing view points.
During these years, I became increasingly angry at anything and everything relating to religion. The intolerance, the judgmental nature, the hypocrisy. What I never did grasp is that it wasn't the religion but its followers with whom I was angry at. I decided to embrace the opposite. I started reading the Satanic Bible along with the Satanic Rituals was LaVey. At first it sounded great. Everything about the self, indulgence, take whatever you could get, etc. They claimed it was more anti religion than actual satanism which is what I liked. I then read the Satanic Rituals which seemed to completely contradict their mantra as it seemed to actually worship Satan by these rituals which completely turned me away from it. I started reexamining its mantra and I then felt that it wasn't right at all. Something was amiss about it. It wasn't who I was.
I have always had an incredible fascination with movies about god, satan, angels. I grew up watching all three of The Prophecy movies with Christopher Walken. I absolutely loved The Devils Advocate, The ninth gate, Stigmata, Constantine, even that horribly sappy movie with Nicholas Cage City of angels just captured my imagination.
As I look back, I'm sad to say that I was actually rooting for the "bad guys" in most of those earlier movies as I was so disgusted with Christianity. I don't know why I was so angry. Angry at God for forgetting me? Angry that I couldn't believe in something because my intellect had been groomed so that seeing was believing? I'm not sure but I wanted God to go down.
Even though I still interacted with most people in school, I was really only friends with the few at our table. We were considered the druggies of the school. I just never agreed with the materialistic and superficial nature of the popular kids or the jocks. They all seemed so fake and disingenuous. Making fun of people here and there for being different. Being completely disgusted when I told them that I didn't believe in God. I never understood their way of life. People always spoke of making a lot of money yet I didn't care how much money I would make when I grew up as long as I was happy doing. I always kept that with me. I always kept the mantra of that I work to live, not live to work.
Fast forward quite a few years to a little over 2 years ago. I had recently reconciled with my now soon to be ex wife. Despite the fact that she had put me through the deepest parts of hell that one could go through with her depression and drug abuse, I still wanted to make it work for what I eventually realized was simply for our daughter. She had yet again started to slip down the path of drugs and during this time, I really struggled with what to do.
I started questioning everything. Why would she do this? Why am I going through this again? What did I do to deserve this? Why can't I do anything about it. As I embraced this complete and utter suffering, I started to notice something. As I would sit outside with my daughter, I would look up and be completely awestruck at the clouds. I started becoming obsessed over the various formations. As I would drive to work or when I'd drive around on break, I would be in complete awe of their beauty. I then started noticing the beauty of trees as I passed, of the sandhill cranes that were increasingly noticeable, the flowers on various shrubs. It was as if my vision had completely shifted their focus onto what they were meant to see. This momentous feeling of joy and happiness rushed over me day after day.
For some reason and still to this day I can't remember why but I ordered a book on Buddhism. I began reading it and it was as if this book completely coincided with what I had experienced and was experiencing at the time. I began to meditate though at that time it was simply to relax and quite my ever racing mind. I began working out and eating right again. As I got deeper into the book, the theological aspect regarding vegetarianism and it overall spiritual angle didn't sit right with me. Even music took on new meaning. I started becoming fascinated with classical music along with every type of tribal music whether it be Native American, Chinese, Indian, etc. I could no longer listen to rock or any music that displayed anger. As soon as I heard its loud banging and angry lyrics, I would immediately change the channel as it felt very wrong. Only instrumental music sounded right and oh did it ever sound so right. After some time and further anguish caused by my ex, I soon fell back into the depths of despair.
A months go by and I finally make the decision that I cannot continue this marriage. I had tried everything in my power and also tried convincing her family of her condition to no avail. We came to the agreement to split but I'd sleep in my office for that last couple months so that our daughter would have one last christmas with us as a family. Soon after, she gave me the ultimatum to leave to which I did and she promptly moved in her new boyfriend the weekend she kicked me out.
During this time, I had become increasingly jaded towards society. Especially due to the fact that I saw mostly poor and down trodden people at the hospital since most use the ER as a doctors office since they don't have insurance. I became angry at these people. Constantly berated them inside my head as weak, unmotivated, and unwilling to rise from their destitution.
Fast forward about 6 more months. I started dating someone for the first time since the split. I had no interest in meeting anyone still at that time as I was not only completely over what had happened but I still felt utter contempt towards women. But this woman quickly won me over with what she was saying. She mentioned that she was spiritual to which I scoffed at internally. How could one believe such silliness. She even asked about death once and I gave her the scientific response that your brain is being flooded with DMT at the time which caused the visions and hallucinations.
It wasn't 2 weeks after that conversation, that I stumbled across the Hidden_Hand material. At first I thought it would just be another entertaining read about Lucifer and the Illuminati as that was how the message board thread was title. As I began to read, something happened. Something changed. My heart kept beating faster and faster as I kept reading faster and faster. Every chance I got to read even a little bit at a time, was full of excitement and this unexplainable thirst. Once I completed that material, I just sat with complete and utter shock. Something so out there. So ridiculous to my intellectual mind. So incomprehensible to the societal norm seemed so true. So Right.
I then turned to this Ra Material that was quoted within. I first started out at David Wilcocks study guide which for my analytical mind, was perfect as it backed up the philosophical jargon with scientific verifiable facts. As I continued to read this new and even more fascinating material, I could not believe that it felt so right. It was as if I had finally found out who I was. What I was and what the purpose of this ever confusing life was.
I soon became even more of a recluse at this time. Completely absorbed first into the Ra Material, then the prior readings by Carla, Don, and Jim. If I was doing an X-ray, I was sitting in the corner reading on my phone, barely speaking to anyone. The more and more I read, the more I realized that I needed to break out of this shell. I realized that the people that I thought of as so disgusting and misguided were simply coming there for the only help that they could receive.
I started making a conscious effort to see everyone as myself and as the creator. I vividly remember one time where a patient could barely walk on her knee as I helped her to the table. I kept telling myself that I love her and she is the creator as much as I while holding her knee as I perform the various positions to obtain the xrays. As I help her off the table, she gingerly places her weight on her bag leg to which astonishment came over her. She was baffled that there was absolutely no pain. She kept saying, I don't understand, I mean it feels perfectly fine as she bent her knee and even squatted up and down. As I'm wheeling her back, My intellect and spiritual aspects were at war. Did I actually help to heal this woman by seeing the creator thus allowing the creator to heal through me or was it simply coincidence? I struggled with that one for a while.
As the months wore on, I began to experience quite the spiritual burnout. I didn't read or even think about the LOO for a good two months mainly because the woman that I was dating had led me through an emotional roller coaster to which I won't get in to.
Which leads me up to that pivotal moment that many were waiting for. 12.21.12. I didn't really believe that much would happen but I wasn't completely discounting it either. I was in a mad rush to accelerate my spiritual awareness. As the days ticked down and the moment arrived, I joined in on the global unify meditation. Felt a great amount of energy but nothing really out of the ordinary.
As the day and days went on, I noticed that I was actually smiling a lot more. I actually had a permagrin on my face which never happens as most ask me whats wrong since I seem to have an intense look on my face due to being lost in thought. But now, I've attained that level of being within the moment that makes me actually smile all the time. As I begun to take notice, I began to get back even more. I would great my coworkers with a smile and they would return one. I would talk with such enthusiasm with people that would normally not respond with much yet they were full of cheery happiness. Even my family at Christmas actually looked like they wanted to be there. Something was definitely happening.
As it stands now, I finally have a place of my own after spending the last years sleeping on my parents living room floor. Barely having enough money for gas let alone to do anything with my daughter. This alone time over the passed month has been one of complete and utter happiness. I have regained my sense of purpose which is to help those less fortunate at work. To bring positivity to the many negative faces that I see at work. To always show the positive aspect in a situation instead of embellishing the negative that so many do. To work to create the world that it really could be
My mother moved us in with her parents with whom I developed the maternal and paternal bond with more so than my mother since she was working so much. I have my most fond memories with them as a child. I somehow still remember going to this little preschool that my grandma walked me to and from during the day so I couldn't have been more than 3 or 4.
Fast forward a year or two and my mother remarried to my father now. He legally adopted me when my biological father gave up his rights and whom I've never met to this day. He lives comfortably in the Duval County Prison serving 15 years for trafficking narcotics as of a couple years ago.
Growing up, I never really had much of an attachment to my parents. I hardly have any memories of us doing anything though mainly due to the fact that they had to work so much yet had such little money to do anything. Their way of making up for it was to spoil myself and my eventual brother and sister with toys instead of creating actual memories.
As I grew up, the distance between us grew. I considered my two best friends my family. One with whom I've known since 3rd grade and the other since 7th grade. During middle school, I was very disenfranchised as we lived in the country so I didn't have the chance to make any more friends or really do much of anything except sit in my room. I even remember carving the word death into my desk one time which concerned my mom. I felt very lost and extremely lonely. Never really being comfortable with life. Even when my family was in a horrific car accident, I vividly remember not even crying when the police officer came to pick me up from my baseball game and told me. I just always felt like I was adopted. As if this family that always gave me the love that I needed yet I felt as if I could never give that love back because it just didn't feel like my family.
As high school hit and kids from another middle school joined us, we were introduced to drugs. My first drug I ever tried was LSD in 9th grade at school which was an incredible yet incredibly stupid thing to do but boy was it fun lol. Once I felt this wonderful drug, I turned to my two best friends and for the remaining of our high school years, we delved deeper and deeper into LSD
For us, it was never a way to just see cool trails of our hands or see stuff move. It was about contemplating time/space continuum, how ridiculous religion felt to us, astronomy, etc. One of the three of us decided to become born again so it was two atheists against one christian. It never became divisive though as it only fueled our desire to understand our differing view points.
During these years, I became increasingly angry at anything and everything relating to religion. The intolerance, the judgmental nature, the hypocrisy. What I never did grasp is that it wasn't the religion but its followers with whom I was angry at. I decided to embrace the opposite. I started reading the Satanic Bible along with the Satanic Rituals was LaVey. At first it sounded great. Everything about the self, indulgence, take whatever you could get, etc. They claimed it was more anti religion than actual satanism which is what I liked. I then read the Satanic Rituals which seemed to completely contradict their mantra as it seemed to actually worship Satan by these rituals which completely turned me away from it. I started reexamining its mantra and I then felt that it wasn't right at all. Something was amiss about it. It wasn't who I was.
I have always had an incredible fascination with movies about god, satan, angels. I grew up watching all three of The Prophecy movies with Christopher Walken. I absolutely loved The Devils Advocate, The ninth gate, Stigmata, Constantine, even that horribly sappy movie with Nicholas Cage City of angels just captured my imagination.
As I look back, I'm sad to say that I was actually rooting for the "bad guys" in most of those earlier movies as I was so disgusted with Christianity. I don't know why I was so angry. Angry at God for forgetting me? Angry that I couldn't believe in something because my intellect had been groomed so that seeing was believing? I'm not sure but I wanted God to go down.
Even though I still interacted with most people in school, I was really only friends with the few at our table. We were considered the druggies of the school. I just never agreed with the materialistic and superficial nature of the popular kids or the jocks. They all seemed so fake and disingenuous. Making fun of people here and there for being different. Being completely disgusted when I told them that I didn't believe in God. I never understood their way of life. People always spoke of making a lot of money yet I didn't care how much money I would make when I grew up as long as I was happy doing. I always kept that with me. I always kept the mantra of that I work to live, not live to work.
Fast forward quite a few years to a little over 2 years ago. I had recently reconciled with my now soon to be ex wife. Despite the fact that she had put me through the deepest parts of hell that one could go through with her depression and drug abuse, I still wanted to make it work for what I eventually realized was simply for our daughter. She had yet again started to slip down the path of drugs and during this time, I really struggled with what to do.
I started questioning everything. Why would she do this? Why am I going through this again? What did I do to deserve this? Why can't I do anything about it. As I embraced this complete and utter suffering, I started to notice something. As I would sit outside with my daughter, I would look up and be completely awestruck at the clouds. I started becoming obsessed over the various formations. As I would drive to work or when I'd drive around on break, I would be in complete awe of their beauty. I then started noticing the beauty of trees as I passed, of the sandhill cranes that were increasingly noticeable, the flowers on various shrubs. It was as if my vision had completely shifted their focus onto what they were meant to see. This momentous feeling of joy and happiness rushed over me day after day.
For some reason and still to this day I can't remember why but I ordered a book on Buddhism. I began reading it and it was as if this book completely coincided with what I had experienced and was experiencing at the time. I began to meditate though at that time it was simply to relax and quite my ever racing mind. I began working out and eating right again. As I got deeper into the book, the theological aspect regarding vegetarianism and it overall spiritual angle didn't sit right with me. Even music took on new meaning. I started becoming fascinated with classical music along with every type of tribal music whether it be Native American, Chinese, Indian, etc. I could no longer listen to rock or any music that displayed anger. As soon as I heard its loud banging and angry lyrics, I would immediately change the channel as it felt very wrong. Only instrumental music sounded right and oh did it ever sound so right. After some time and further anguish caused by my ex, I soon fell back into the depths of despair.
A months go by and I finally make the decision that I cannot continue this marriage. I had tried everything in my power and also tried convincing her family of her condition to no avail. We came to the agreement to split but I'd sleep in my office for that last couple months so that our daughter would have one last christmas with us as a family. Soon after, she gave me the ultimatum to leave to which I did and she promptly moved in her new boyfriend the weekend she kicked me out.
During this time, I had become increasingly jaded towards society. Especially due to the fact that I saw mostly poor and down trodden people at the hospital since most use the ER as a doctors office since they don't have insurance. I became angry at these people. Constantly berated them inside my head as weak, unmotivated, and unwilling to rise from their destitution.
Fast forward about 6 more months. I started dating someone for the first time since the split. I had no interest in meeting anyone still at that time as I was not only completely over what had happened but I still felt utter contempt towards women. But this woman quickly won me over with what she was saying. She mentioned that she was spiritual to which I scoffed at internally. How could one believe such silliness. She even asked about death once and I gave her the scientific response that your brain is being flooded with DMT at the time which caused the visions and hallucinations.
It wasn't 2 weeks after that conversation, that I stumbled across the Hidden_Hand material. At first I thought it would just be another entertaining read about Lucifer and the Illuminati as that was how the message board thread was title. As I began to read, something happened. Something changed. My heart kept beating faster and faster as I kept reading faster and faster. Every chance I got to read even a little bit at a time, was full of excitement and this unexplainable thirst. Once I completed that material, I just sat with complete and utter shock. Something so out there. So ridiculous to my intellectual mind. So incomprehensible to the societal norm seemed so true. So Right.
I then turned to this Ra Material that was quoted within. I first started out at David Wilcocks study guide which for my analytical mind, was perfect as it backed up the philosophical jargon with scientific verifiable facts. As I continued to read this new and even more fascinating material, I could not believe that it felt so right. It was as if I had finally found out who I was. What I was and what the purpose of this ever confusing life was.
I soon became even more of a recluse at this time. Completely absorbed first into the Ra Material, then the prior readings by Carla, Don, and Jim. If I was doing an X-ray, I was sitting in the corner reading on my phone, barely speaking to anyone. The more and more I read, the more I realized that I needed to break out of this shell. I realized that the people that I thought of as so disgusting and misguided were simply coming there for the only help that they could receive.
I started making a conscious effort to see everyone as myself and as the creator. I vividly remember one time where a patient could barely walk on her knee as I helped her to the table. I kept telling myself that I love her and she is the creator as much as I while holding her knee as I perform the various positions to obtain the xrays. As I help her off the table, she gingerly places her weight on her bag leg to which astonishment came over her. She was baffled that there was absolutely no pain. She kept saying, I don't understand, I mean it feels perfectly fine as she bent her knee and even squatted up and down. As I'm wheeling her back, My intellect and spiritual aspects were at war. Did I actually help to heal this woman by seeing the creator thus allowing the creator to heal through me or was it simply coincidence? I struggled with that one for a while.
As the months wore on, I began to experience quite the spiritual burnout. I didn't read or even think about the LOO for a good two months mainly because the woman that I was dating had led me through an emotional roller coaster to which I won't get in to.
Which leads me up to that pivotal moment that many were waiting for. 12.21.12. I didn't really believe that much would happen but I wasn't completely discounting it either. I was in a mad rush to accelerate my spiritual awareness. As the days ticked down and the moment arrived, I joined in on the global unify meditation. Felt a great amount of energy but nothing really out of the ordinary.
As the day and days went on, I noticed that I was actually smiling a lot more. I actually had a permagrin on my face which never happens as most ask me whats wrong since I seem to have an intense look on my face due to being lost in thought. But now, I've attained that level of being within the moment that makes me actually smile all the time. As I begun to take notice, I began to get back even more. I would great my coworkers with a smile and they would return one. I would talk with such enthusiasm with people that would normally not respond with much yet they were full of cheery happiness. Even my family at Christmas actually looked like they wanted to be there. Something was definitely happening.
As it stands now, I finally have a place of my own after spending the last years sleeping on my parents living room floor. Barely having enough money for gas let alone to do anything with my daughter. This alone time over the passed month has been one of complete and utter happiness. I have regained my sense of purpose which is to help those less fortunate at work. To bring positivity to the many negative faces that I see at work. To always show the positive aspect in a situation instead of embellishing the negative that so many do. To work to create the world that it really could be
![[Image: cISFl.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/cISFl.jpg)
