At the superbowl party this past weekend, I saw my friend in the following interaction:
Setting: Crowded living room, however, probably 90% of people could get an unobstructed view of the television. My friend (friend A) was sitting in a position where it appeared that no one would need to be seated behind him. However, a few more people appeared at halftime, including friend B who knew friend A. Friend B had to watch from behind friend A. Due to the location, friend B's view was slightly obstructed by friend A. The vast majority of the room was populated by people that no one really knew - all friends of other friends. Maybe 20 or so people were in the room. Friend A could shift positions to let Friend B watch more comfortably, but is unaware of blocking friend B's view.
Catalytic exchange during a commercial break:
Friend B (the one sitting in the back): Hey Big Head! Your head is so big I can't see anything! Move that thing over! (said in a macho condescending tone. Friend's A head is normal sized, perhaps slightly larger than average but he's like 6 feet so its proportional)
Friend A (the one blocking b): Moves without saying anything.
Friend B: Ahhh so much better!
The exchange takes place loud enough so that everyone could hear. I wasn't able to see friend A's reaction because he did not turn around. But I know in the past such exchanges would get me angry because it feels as if friend A is making fun of friend B in a mean way while also having a legitimate point of blocking his view. Mind you, this is one example of a consistent type of mean but justified comment that I see frequently in parties of my social circle (although not usually directed at me these days). It almost feels like these sort of exchanges is about yellow ray energy, both from the people interacting and from the entire observing group. It seems to be about power.
I think about how I currently handle those situations is mainly by making sure they don't happen to me:
(1) I have so much experience in these settings, that typically I position or be in such a way that no one can find fault with me. If someone wants to insult me, they can't hide in a legitimate justification (such as me blocking someone's view). Although this works most of the time, I know I'm going to slip up eventually.
(2) I've significantly reduced my contact with such people. Unfortunately, in the macho culture of mostly singles/going out people of late twenties to mid thirties in orange county, we're talking that social outtings usually have a good smattering of people who like to make justified comments as exceptionally mean ones, as a way of increasing their social status.
Other ways I've handled things in the past:
(3) Ignore them completely and do not move. Usually does not work that well in all situations because all it takes is for one other person to parrot the justification and then the social pressure is to move.
(4) Tell them to ask nicely. Usually does not work as the person making the comment sees it as weakness. They ask nicely, then once you move it's "Thanks big head!!"
(5) Tell them that you will move if they do something for you, like get a beer for you. This feels like you save face as you make the person do something relatively minor. I've used this with great effect, although I'm not sure if this is the ideally balanced response.
(6) Move without looking or acknowledging the comment, as friend A did.
(7) turn the negative comment into a positive funny one, like "That's what she said!!" and then move. This is specific and requires thinking on your feet and does not always seem available.
Things that I think are ineffective:
(8) Telling the person during (in front of everyone) or after (one on one) that you don't appreciate the tone. It just seems to create a feeding frenzy of where you put a bullseye as you are "sensitive" and then unpolarized or negative people mess with you more just to get a rise out of you.
Thoughts on a balanced response? Thoughts on a practical response? How would you react?
(8) would only turn into a feeding frenzy if one does it with weakness. If one speaks up with strength, then it's more of a "I'm happy to move but no one F's with me...I deserve better than to be treated like that" which would gain respect, rather than painting a bullseye.
"Oh I'm sorry! I didn't realize I was blocking your view! But hey, chill out...we're all having a good time here...no problem!"
This could of course backfire and start a fight among males. I'm female so I can get away with saying something like that. Men, maybe not!
However if one does (8) in a meek way, then yes, it's setting self up for more taunts.
As one who got taunted and teased mercilessly as a child, I'm well familiar with all those options. Now, since I am a much stronger person, I'd go with (8) or maybe a combination of (7) and (8). It's always best to inject some humor if possible, to soften it up, if one can do it without sacrificing one's dignity.
But if I'm not feeling strong enough to pull it off, or if the person is drunk and saying something could start a fight, then it's better to just move without any confrontation. Let him feel powerful. As long as it's just an isolated incident, and no one is being physically threatened, who cares what he thinks? Especially at an event like a football watching party...where the testosterone is flying and splattering everywhere! It's really not worth starting a confrontation over. I'd say, in most cases like that, I'd let it slide. In a less emotionally charged situation, with less risk of escalation and no drunk people, then sure, speak up. If this happened at a business meeting instead of a football party, that's a totally different environment.
General rule of thumb: If there's alcohol present, I'd say let it slide. It's just not worth it. Take the high road and let them say whatever they want. They probably won't even remember 30 seconds later anyway. It's not worth getting a bullseye painted on you; neither is it worth risking a violent confrontation. How many barroom brawls started over something petty like that?
"unpolarized or negatively polarized" - or just "kids".
Continue to block his view, but offer to switch places.
Umm did friend A look offended? If not, it sounds like it was more sarcastic than anything especially if friend A and B knew each other.
Maybe just a little too thinned skinned would be the best question? I'm sorry but it just doesn't sound like a situation to get upset at. Even if there was malintent, to seriously get upset for someone stating that I had a big head wouldn't exactly be at the top of my list.
Perhaps the example was not the best one. But there are numerous examples that occur in many social groups of single guys.
You will notice that the alpha seldom gets such comments. And the lowest in the social pecking order will get the most. And of course, it is related to justification or vulnerabilities or things just outside of the "norm."
It seems to be interrelated to a subtle power struggle for social hierachy within the group. I found a clip from the league that illustrates this best - when the guys are commenting on Andre's hat (Andre would be the lowest in the hierarchy, that's clear):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t1VfnuPkA68 at 1:10ish, at 4:13ish and at 5:20ish.
1:10ish: Do you suck dongs...?
4:13ish: Where should I start ?
5:20ish: It's the shirt that makes you look like a suckcockulous.
I find this area of social interaction totally fascinating. Especially when done in front of others outside of the circle of friends (which I understand this clip does not show). There's definitely a (a) justified point to the comments as well as (b) humor, but a big part of the equation in this is © subtle condescension or some sort of statement of power within the social hierarchy.
Yea it's hard to really get a grasp on your original example as I'm sure it's lost in translation so to speak since none of us were there.
I do understand that alpha type machismo attitude. Well I don't understand the need but I know of people like that and like you said, it's a power play and definitely and STS quality.
(02-06-2013, 01:33 AM)xise Wrote: [ -> ]Perhaps the example was not the best one. But there are numerous examples that occur in many social groups of single guys.
You will notice that the alpha seldom gets such comments. And the lowest in the social pecking order will get the most. And of course, it is related to justification or vulnerabilities or things just outside of the "norm."
It seems to be interrelated to a subtle power struggle for social hierachy within the group.
Judging by these comments, you know exactly what's going on..
It's a hierarchy that's being created. It's kind of like the fish are nibbling at one another to see who the strongest is. It's a game that's played over and over again in our world which we have been conditioned to accept. It's the game of STS which has permeated all throughout our society.
I personally don't derive any satisfaction from putting another down or seeing another's pain. I see very little funny about the show America's Funniest Videos, for example - it's people doing something dumb which hurts themselves. Pain for another does nothing except make me feel pain.
I kind of think of conversation or interaction at some level as an exchanging of energy. Positive, uplifting comments increase someone's energy. Negative comments rob people of energy. STO, in my mind, starts with helping others increase their energy with positiveness. As you create the positiveness in others, it only naturally comes back to you, and so on. Then you change the world for the better..
People who make negative comments like that are caught in the trap of thinking their happiness relies on making themselves feel good by putting others down. They knowingly or unknowingly reduce the energy of the experience and others.
So, what to do?
For me, when confronted with an energy robbing statement, my first reaction often is that it has a small energy robbing effect - I am afterall, imperfect (that's the understatement of the century
). Then I take a step back and realize that they just don't understand yet, and they need to be accepted for what they are. As Jesus would say "They know not what they do".. But, depending on the situation, I might give them some feedback too in the way it should be done in this play we call our lives - I don't play the weak pushover in this play. They've also created a situation where they won't have personal power over their world, but that's the lesson they need to learn..
To my mind, the question you raised here is at the core of what we are here to really understand. Being of service to others and enjoying the power of the creation starts with a generous smile to others - those whom are considered the lowliest people by our society. People who don't get that just don't get that and there's nothing you can do about it.
Part of third density is that we have the opportunity to see a bunch of stuff that we don't like so we can choose to live our own lives differently. And man, do we see a bunch of stuff we don't like
.. Be the heretic..
Interesting examples... not sure about a wrong or right way to react to this.
I guess it would depend on how I feel.
I remember sitting in a cinema in Italy, with a friend (now I am rather tall and long hair, which means, my head and shoulders obstructed a lot view wise since most Italians are smaller)
and two people sitting behind us were indeed complaining that they could not see well, with us in front of them, but in a half joking way.
So we moved and sat down somewhere else, since there was enough free seats and those behind us were a bit taken aback and said "ohh it wasnt meant that way, you didn't have to move" and we just shrugged it off and laughed.
I guess that dude in your example just has no clue about politeness or maybe thinks friendly is for pussies, and his "ahh so much better" was probably his way of saying thanks to the guy who moved.
Moving back in with my family in Colorado, I find myself in a house full of my teenaged brothers and their teenaged friends. They have a certain way of communicating with eachother that typically involves generous use of the term "faggot", in the same manner as you describe here. It's like it's not really meant as an insult, but instead used for its "comedic" value even though it's inherently condescending.
One of my brothers' friends, over the course of conversation, let that word slip my way a couple of times. (for example, he saw me putting on my shoes and coat to go outside and smoke a cigarette, and it's "Where you going, faggot?")
Now I let it slip the first or second time, laughing it off. (choosing option 7 on your list) But it kept happening, and I knew that if I didn't set things straight, that's how the relationship between me and this kid would develop. So the next time he did it, in front of all my brothers and their friends who were scattered around the living room and kitchen playing video games, I calmly but firmly said "I don't appreciate it when you call me that. I know you're just joking and you're not really meaning it as an insult, but it's disrespectful. Please don't use that word with me anymore." in a dead-serious tone, where everyone could hear. He immediately got an embarrased/nervous look on his face and apologized under his breath. I told him it was alright, I just don't want him using that word anymore with me. And I thanked him. There was generally no reaction from everyone around, just a processing of what was happening.
Since then I've gotten to know him a little bit better, and we get along on good terms. I just knew that I had to stop that behavior right when it started or else the relationship would develop in an unhealthy way.
In other words, I think the balanced response would not be to make a huge deal about it, but just politely request that they respect you in a firm and serious tone, leaving no doubts that that kind of behavior is not accepted by you, and won't be reinforced or allowed in any sort of way, period.
And then if they redirect their disrespect into other avenues, you've got a whole new catalyst to work with. :p
yeah that is what I think too, it is not even meant as insults, just a (mostly male?) pubescent way of expressing themselves...
that reminds me when I was on a train journey once, with a bunch of girls actually, who amused themselves by reiterating the word "motherfucker" (am I allowed to post that word here?
)
spoken in a bavarian-franconian dialect lol, it cracked me up.
the way they pronounced it was "mothafugga" or "massafugga" and they had so much fun with that word.
Will we still use those words in 4D +?
I never got the banning of the f-word either, the way it is done in anglo-saxon countries by bleeping it, I mean everyone knows what word it is, so why does it need to be hidden?
I don't think the word will survive long enough to see 4d... It has no meaning, its only used because of its "offensive temperature", but once it cools it has little to no value. I mean, in how many cases is the subject in question who is called a 'motherfucker' ACTUALLY a motherfucker?
Tell them to f*** off and move their own fat ass. I don't know if that's balanced but if they don't want to lose the power game they shouldn't play.
(02-06-2013, 06:37 PM)Aureus Wrote: [ -> ]I don't think the word will survive long enough to see 4d... It has no meaning, its only used because of its "offensive temperature", but once it cools it has little to no value. I mean, in how many cases is the subject in question who is called a 'motherfucker' ACTUALLY a motherfucker?
Dude, pass the spliff
(02-06-2013, 03:05 PM)Meerie Wrote: [ -> ]I never got the banning of the f-word either, the way it is done in anglo-saxon countries by bleeping it, I mean everyone knows what word it is, so why does it need to be hidden?
I think we as a culture are terrified by the power of our own sexuality.
(02-06-2013, 10:28 PM)zenmaster Wrote: [ -> ] (02-06-2013, 06:37 PM)Aureus Wrote: [ -> ]I don't think the word will survive long enough to see 4d... It has no meaning, its only used because of its "offensive temperature", but once it cools it has little to no value. I mean, in how many cases is the subject in question who is called a 'motherfucker' ACTUALLY a motherfucker?
Dude, pass the spliff
I try to avoid death drugs.
Seeing as how serotonine syndrome is the same feeling as death and most hallucinogens increase serotonin.
Death drugs.
http://youtu.be/aqWBCsWRdw4 Death drugs.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3pdDKCIV7Y So many flowers of cyan
Quote:Because that
is what you have been taught, and certainly if
someone can teach you a
healing/meditation/astral projection skill as
powerful as this then they must be right about
it. All the while everyone is blinded to the
darkness that starts to rise from all the cracks
of the room. And at the same time people are
blinding each other by passing on what they have
been taught without often as much as a conscious
thought about it on a deeper level. So now we
have a community of people who are indoctrinated
to believe that darkness can’t be of high level,
and usually that the only darkness is in the
person and if the person doesn’t bring it in
then it can’t come in. Then the same
indoctrination continues to push aside the
persons self or ego and open them up to the
"divine love" or the "universal energy.” Then it usually continues on to explain how healing
energy comes from above you and you have no
control over it and it does what is best for the
patient. All the while the person is being
pushed to the side and made only a sidekick in
this great healing that is happening before his
eyes. Why would an omnipotent energy need to
work through you if you have no part in what it
does? So now we have a large community that is
filled with some of the most spiritually
inclined people on the planet, blinded, hooded
and surrounded by the evil that they do not see.
Just a satirical comment.. I dont consider weed to be anywhere near to inducing death
although on a serious note I dont do it anymore because the effect it has on fiery energies.
I wasnt satirical, its sad that people say stuff and when they find someone who agrees with it they run to the "i was only being satirical".
No, you werent. You said something and now wont stand behind it, which is typical, but not your fault, as it is typical.
(02-07-2013, 02:18 PM)Cyan Wrote: [ -> ]I wasnt satirical, its sad that people say stuff and when they find someone who agrees with it they run to the "i was only being satirical".
No, you werent. You said something and now wont stand behind it, which is typical, but not your fault, as it is typical.
Dude, srsly, wat.
(02-07-2013, 02:20 PM)Aureus Wrote: [ -> ] (02-07-2013, 02:18 PM)Cyan Wrote: [ -> ]I wasnt satirical, its sad that people say stuff and when they find someone who agrees with it they run to the "i was only being satirical".
No, you werent. You said something and now wont stand behind it, which is typical, but not your fault, as it is typical.
Dude, srsly, wat.
Exactly, why do you say you try to avoid something when you're not trying to avoid it?
Look, it was just a silly comment on what zenmaster said. I come from Sweden, and here weed has always been refered to as a death drug by politicians, still is. Weed might give you a lift in the heart area and cause experiences leading to certain aspects to die a symbolical death, but thats about as far I can stretch for making a bond between the two..
Cool. Then you simply spoke without thinking of the context of your message by linking the two without deeper thought and I read into it assuming you were a serious poster when you brought up the word death in a post. My apologies.
That aside, the fact that "death" wears off doesn't mean it isn't "death". If you use a drug to access the astral realm of the dreams and ghosts then what is it except a journey to "death".
Weed is on the positive side because it wears off, but it still is death. That's why I get a little antsy when someone downplays the reality of what it actually does and jokingly says stuff.
I will strive to not take what you say seriously in the future.
I am not frequenting the realms of which you speak. The astral is alien to me.. But I must say I prefer being grounded. That text you quoted holds much truth, perhaps it was directed to me, perhaps not.