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Hello,

This is my first post here on Bring4th. I’m not sure if this is the right forum, so mods, please move it if need be. I’m posting to ask for guidance on spiritually sexual matters, and I hope that is allowed.

I’m gay, 19, and my journey on spirituality began after I came out to my parents about 4-5 years ago, when I laid my hands on a book called “Conversations with God”. My life since was changed forever. Earlier this year I came across The Law of One when reading Wikipedia’s article on Conversations with God. LOO’s foundational principle is exactly the same as that of CWG, which teaches “We Are All One”. Further searching led me to The Hidden Hand Material, which is also of Venusian heritage like that of LOO. I enjoyed the materials very much.

That’s a short summary of my spiritual journey. In recent months I am made aware of the concept of embracing one’s darkness. I used to deny ad repress my darker aspects, but lately I am getting closer and closer to the ideas of The Black Sun, Qlippoth (inverse regions of the Tree of Life), and embracing one’s Shadow. The idea of darkness being a positive force (like that of a loving mother’s womb) began to replace the idea of a terrifying abyss. I think that I can never love another truly unless I can love my self truly, which is to love myself unconditionally, which is to love myself as I am, which means to accept my own darkness (whew!).

It is embarrassing, confusing (for me), and sexual in nature, and dark. I really don’t know the direction to go about it, so I’d love to hear from someone with experience on their own confrontations with their darker sides. And I haven’t really shared my spiritual life with anyone, so this is all new to me. Please bear with me!

I believe that the basis of relationships must be Free Will. Namely, they must be mutual and voluntary. If those requirements are met I am all for it. I hold those beliefs very close to my heart, so I am really, really confused about my reactions to rape, torture and gore. When I read porn comics (can’t stand the thought of actual videos) on those themes, my feelings are generally negative, but my heart thunders and I have an erection. It’s intense, overwhelming, and really confusing. It’s like I feel repulsed from them but something draws me into it, to being raped, tortured, and cut wide open. I don’t even think about inflicting in on someone else, but I get an erection thinking about me being on the receiving end. God!!

I am a virgin, have never had sex with anyone, was never abused or raped, and have no desire to rape or abuse anyone, so that rules out the possibility of being influenced by past dramas. I am sexually interested in men from a very young age, long before my first contact with porn, so I am not “made gay” by porn, either. It’s how I’m born. Just earlier this year I came to terms with myself that I am of the passive, submissive side (not to be confused with being feminine, by the way. I like masculinity and I enjoy being masculine.), but I don’t understand how, if that is the case, being passive links to enjoy being abused, raped, and cut wide open (God I hate this feeling when I think of those things!!!).

One possibility is that there is something I’ve done, or done to me, in past lives that’s related to this. Or perhaps my denial and repression of being submissive have distorted those desires into the monsters they are now? Last year I read up on the Left Hand Path, and have read some books on Satanism and Luciferianism. But reading them makes me feel very, very sick! It’s the same feeling of repulsion I talked about earlier, and thank God without the erections. Those books are all about being superior by turning into God (the ruling and selfish and cruel and commanding type like that portrayed in the Bible, not the benevolent LOO Infinite Creator type), and that makes me feel ill. But the bits about facing, embracing and accepting your own darkness intrigued me. So I went and read more about it, which led me to the Tree of Life and its dark side, Qlippoth (correct me if I’m wrong!)

Again, reading about Qlippoth makes me feel SO ill and repulsive. Perhaps that’s because I have unconsciously trained myself to reject anything I have buried down in the deep recesses of my subconscious. Perhaps having been repressed so long and so deep, they are not aired, thus turned into the monsters they are now? I don’t really know.

And although I do want to embrace my shadow, as I think it’s inevitable and that I will never be whole unless I integrate the Shadow back into myself, with those very repulsive feelings about the dark, I cannot stomach the idea of descending into such a realm. And God, what if I lose myself in them? What if I am shocked into insanity? I don’t even want to think about that happening. I don’t know how one can face such massive negativity without losing oneself into it, or without it crushing oneself in the process. So I would really appreciate anyone have something to say, some experience to share about facing one’s own darkness, embracing it, and integrate it back into oneself.

Also, I’d love to have some pointers to techniques on past life regression. Some books on it maybe, so that I can study further. Is it somehow related to the astral plane? Can one time travel in the astral? I have some faint ideas on the astral but not this. Perhaps this conflict in me is linked to my past lives, and some pointers on it will be greatly appreciated.

With peace and love to you all.
Hi volicon, and welcome to the forum.

Thank you very much for your honesty and bravery in sharing what you did.

I think you're on the right track in attempting to integrate your shadow side. I'm not sure how familiar you are with the Ra material, but there are a couple of quotes that might be relevant.
  • 18.5 ...We have found it to be inappropriate in the extreme to encourage the overcoming of any desires, except to suggest the imagination rather than the carrying out in the physical plane, as you call it, of those desires not consonant with the Law of One; this preserving the primal distortion of free will.
  • 32.2 ...The usual nature of sexual interaction, if one is yellow or orange in primary vibratory patterns, is one of blockage and then insatiable hunger due to the blockage. When there are two selves vibrating in this area the potential for polarization through the sexual interaction is begun, one entity experiencing the pleasure of humiliation and slavery or bondage, the other experiencing the pleasure of mastery and control over another entity. In this way a sexual energy transfer of a negative polarity is experienced.

I think facing one's shadow side does involve working with monsters. For me, it seems to happen in dreams -- I have the opportunity to choose how to respond to the monster: fear it, fight it, run away from it or turn and embrace it.

I don't know if this is helpful at all; if not, please pay it no heed.
Hi βαθμιαίος, thank you for your reply! It did help, and I really appreciate it.

I just skimmed Book 1, not all of the other books, a few months ago. I got some gems right away and others have their wording too difficult to understand, so it will take a while before I can claim to be familiar with the material.

That is a great reminder. "Resist nothing, experience everything." At least that is what I understand because the wording difficult for me to understand completely. Also that's a very terrifying idea in this case. If I let myself indulge in those negative appetites, I think I will go insane, or distort myself further down into being someone I don't want to become. What if I succumb and they take me over?

Hmm, so it seems like I may have blockages in the yellow and orange centers. I just read more on lawofone.info regarding them. I don't remember reading in Book 1 anything about clearing the blockages. This is promising. Can you offer any more pointers?

I hope this is not offensive, or too personal; ignore this if it is. Did you experience intense fear when you faced your monsters? When I am submerged in negative experiences it is very difficult for me to remember that Love is the most powerful weapon in the world. I usually choose to fight back, to run, to do anything to move myself away from that experience. If you experience such a fear when you faced them, how can you realize that there are actually to options, to fight it or to embrace it? Was the fear not blinding for you? How can you not forget the light when the dark is all around you? Also, when you embrace it, will it consume you? That is the worst fear that I have. I fear that if I embrace it, I will become it!
Hey Volicon, thanks for being this open.

A simple guideline for many distortions here on Earth: Repression creates distortion.

Just a month or two ago, I manifested a temporary insanity to deal with some of my distortions. Part of this was creating the idea of an entity that had been abused, choked, and raped and wanted to do the same to me. This led to a type of experiencing the distortions which I would otherwise have been too embarrassed to explore on my own.

Having had a chance to experience the distortions which I would have been far to timid to in real life has led to a neutrality in regards to my own sexual deviance. I can think of it neutrally whereas before there would be feelings of guilt, shame, confusion, and desire. Not a healthy trio.

Now when I think of it, it gets me off faster than anything else, but I don't necessarily desire it. It's as if the neural wiring for it is still there, but I'm not reinforcing it anymore.

Hope this helps. Smile

*edit: just checked, the neural wiring is fading :p
(05-23-2013, 10:07 AM)volicon Wrote: [ -> ]I usually choose to fight back, to run, to do anything to move myself away from that experience. If you experience such a fear when you faced them, how can you realize that there are actually to options, to fight it or to embrace it? Was the fear not blinding for you? How can you not forget the light when the dark is all around you? Also, when you embrace it, will it consume you? That is the worst fear that I have. I fear that if I embrace it, I will become it!

Usually I freeze when I face such fear. Just couple of days ago, I dreamt this very vividly: I was approached by a being. This being seemed so familiar to me, like I know him, yet, there was a deception of some sort. This being was not as he appeared on the surface. He started to kiss me, we hugged, and suddenly, while in his arms, he transformed into a negative entity. His eyes got wild and yellow. He even got horns on his head. And his tongue transformed into a lizard tongue. I suddenly felt his intention. His intention was to harm me, to do whatever was possible - to harm me. My first reaction was fear. I froze. There was nothing I could do about this situation, and I was completely in his power. But then suddenly I took a deep breath - and by using conscious thought or magic of some sort - I transformed into an angel, or the opposite of what he was, and then when I exhaled, slowly - and again, I used some conscious thought or magic - that this breath was light, pure and most bright light, like an "angel breath". And so, this being disappeared. But it's difficult to consciously do these things in dreams unless the dreams are lucid.

In regards to your erection when experiencing something repulsive in your mind, I was thinking that it might have something to do with blocked three lower rays. That there is an unacceptance of the self, and this blockage results in this unsatiable desire - and erection. Perhaps just breathing, taking it easy, and just trying to understand the experience, would be of help? Trying to understand the self, and having compassion for the self? Just working with unblocking these lower energy centers which seemed to be blocked? I believe that it might be this very unacceptance of the catalyst, and of the self, which leads to this erection.

In regards to meeting "shadow" self, yes, I just recently experienced a very intense such meeting. I thought that I was just unusually tired. But there was more. I didn't want to get up from the bed and face the world. Everything was hurting me, on red-ray level, orange-ray level, yellow-ray level. Each sound that I heard was painful for instance, etc. It felt like my whole nervous system was outside, on my skin, bared. There was no protection of any kind anymore.

What happened next is that I became blocked, completely, from top to the very root. I prayed to "God" for hours: "God, please, have mercy on my soul". I didn't even bother to use any other words, I didn't care. I prayed for an understanding of this experience, and just mercy.

After some more hours, I felt like something dark just left me. But wait, this darkness felt like a dear, old friend to me, so I actually held to it instead of letting it go, and it felt like this darkness turned around so I could see its "face", and then it smiled at me. It was me! It was my own "shadow" self or whatever the name of it is!

So, I understood that during this whole time when I was experiencing all these things, I was just facing my own self. And the "light" of the self is not always something that we are ready for, or comfortable with. But right now, I am still processing this experience. What I feel though is love. That there is nothing to fear perhaps? That all these shadows... if illuminated, the shadows disappear...

My advice is to take it easy. Breath. Pray. Or whatever you need to do to connect to the light. Try to remember unity. That all is one. That all is well. Cause even in the darkest hour - there is a little candle of hope which shines.
Hi GentleReckoning. Thanks for the kind words.

So the idea is to create a thought form that is abused, raped and tortured and command that entity to do the same for me? Theoretically that's possible, but I will need more studying and practice in magic for that. Neutralization seems to be a good middle ground. I may go for it before completely integrate the shadow back into myself; I don't like the idea of leaving a part of myself behind, isolated and disabled.

I have a problem with it though. Would a thought form I create be an independent, sentient, conscious, self-aware entity capable of free will? That would be like abusing, raping and torturing my own child!! Or can I split out a part of myself for the role? Would that split become self-aware?
Or can it be something like an illusion, something not sentient and is not capable of independent awareness, just being visualized there like a video and not actually alive? This is my preference if possible. I will be much more comfortable with it if no free will is being infringed.
You could just use your imagination. Take your desires to their logical/illogical conclusions. Use your consciousness and free-will. Your last thought would probably be healthiest.

My thought-form ended up opening me to all of the other reinforced thoughtform's that I had created over the course of my life. Imagine going through every suppressed desire/fear that you've had throughout your entire life. It was occasionally fun and exciting, but most of the time it was just extremely draining. This was not a conscious free-will choice. I had no idea that this would happen when I started this. However, it allowed me to clear many distortions that didn't really have a place in my life.

The type of thought form that I had started is called a tulpa. (Un)Fortunately, I learn best through experience, and learned that I probably won't want to create another one until my red/orange/yellow rays are mostly clear. This is because a tulpa is basically an expression of your unconscious mind. By creating a tulpa you are giving your unconscious mind a way of speaking to you in your reality. When I created mine, I repeatedly tried to give it access to my entire subconscious because I wanted to find out what had held me back my entire life. This was clearly a bad idea when it came to the longevity of the tulpa, but a good idea when it came to clearing distortions. The tulpa eventually just ended up becoming my shadow, and as I was not nearly ready to face my shadow it is now out of my consciousness awareness.

(more info on Tulpas: Tulpa.info)
Wow. I've observed this understanding and acceptance when I read the thread on Homosexuality here on B4, and to experience it myself now is very heart-warming! I was used to the name calling on the generic internet, and I've feared the worst. But then my intuition didn't fail me today!

Ankh, thank you for your reply. I think one of the possible problems may be a blockage/blockages in the three lower rays. My question is, how can one unblock blockages? I'm not very familiar with the LOO materials (just skimmed the first book once) so more pointers are greatly appreciated.

Those are illuminating and relevant experiences, and they help! Thank you for sharing with me. The Law of One, knowing that all is ultimately one and the same, is the key. The problem is remembering that truth amidst overwhelming illusions of separation. Well, perhaps there are not shortcuts to it and the only way is to plunge ahead and get used to it? Practice makes perfect, right? Take that leap of faith down into the darkness, and let them try to consume you. Try to remember the truth of Oneness and hope, no, believe, NO, KNOW that everything is ultimately God, the Infinite Creator, that we are all in this sacred game together, that no one is really harmed except in the game. And hope that I won't lose myself to insanity in the process.

That is a great challenge, but then again the reward will be worth it. Doesn't make it any less frightening, though.

GentleReckoning: ah, thank you for the reminder! Imagination and creativity, why have I not thought of it?? I'm caught up with all this magic stuff and overlooked the already available ones. I can simply go and write myself a story! Draw them out! Then when they are all expressed, I can look back and decide for myself if it is who I want to be. Yes. Clearly a solution for me. Thank you!
(05-23-2013, 10:07 AM)volicon Wrote: [ -> ]I don't remember reading in Book 1 anything about clearing the blockages. This is promising. Can you offer any more pointers?

You have a certain experience, which is feeling repulsion and at the same time having an erection when viewing certain images, or imagining certain situations in your mind. Ra said that:

Ra, 49.6 Wrote:Each experience will need to be observed, experienced, balanced, accepted, and seated within the individual. As the entity grows in self-acceptance and awareness of catalyst the location of the comfortable seating of these experiences will rise to the new true-color entity. The experience, whatever it may be, will be seated in red ray and considered as to its survival content and so forth.

Each experience will be sequentially understood by the growing and seeking mind/body/spirit complex in terms of survival, then in terms of personal identity, then in terms of social relations, then in terms of universal love, then in terms of how the experience may beget free communication, then in terms of how the experience may be linked to universal energies, and finally in terms of the sacramental nature of each experience.

So, observe this experience, and then do the balance work. You already have two opposites within your mind of this experience: repulsion and erection/excitement. Experience them both, and try to understand them. See what energy center or centers are affected, like Ra put it here:

Ra, 42.11 Wrote:The thoughts of an entity, its feelings or emotions, and least of all its behavior are the signposts for the teaching/learning of self by self. In the analysis of one’s experiences of a diurnal cycle an entity may assess what it considers to be inappropriate thoughts, behaviors, feelings, and emotions.

In examining these inappropriate activities of mind, body, and spirit complexes the entity may then place these distortions in the proper vibrational ray and thus see where work is needed.

Then, when you are comfortable with the above, move on into the accepting phase, by accepting the self, as it is, and your experience. Both feeling repulsion and excitement. Here is one thread where we recently discussed balancing and accepting work with the catalyst:

Acceptance and balancing

And as Ra said:

Ra, 18.5 Wrote:All things are acceptable in the proper time for each entity, and in experiencing, in understanding, in accepting, in then sharing with other-selves, the appropriate description shall be moving away from distortions of one kind to distortions of another which may be more consonant with the Law of One.

It is, shall we say, a shortcut to simply ignore or overcome any desire. It must instead be understood and accepted. This takes patience and experience which can be analyzed with care, with compassion for self and for other-self.
Thank you, Ankh. That cleared a lot of things, and gave me quite a clear direction as of where to go next. I will go on to study on those materials you just provided me with later.

For now I will get some rest. It's getting late here. Today has been an enlightening day for me, and I really appreciate you guys' love and guidance. I have faith in the future now. I wish to be able to return the favor someday!
(05-23-2013, 10:07 AM)volicon Wrote: [ -> ]That is a great reminder. "Resist nothing, experience everything." At least that is what I understand because the wording difficult for me to understand completely. Also that's a very terrifying idea in this case. If I let myself indulge in those negative appetites, I think I will go insane, or distort myself further down into being someone I don't want to become. What if I succumb and they take me over?

I think it's a reasonable question and worth paying attention to. Ra said that it can be dangerous to attempt to activate the higher centers before balancing the lower ones, and they gave Hitler as an example of someone who went insane trying to do that. However, it seems like you're trying to accept and balance your lower centers, and that's always appropriate work. I recommend patience and only moving as fast as you feel you are able. These patterns may be the result of several lifetimes, and it may take a good deal of time to integrate them. It seems like you are making a really good start, though, and it could also happen in a moment. (Actually, it probably will happen in a moment, but as Ra says, "the seeking process ... ends in a moment, but who can know when an entity will open the gate to the present?") When I'm trying to remember to have patience, I try to remember Ra's statement that "[e]ach entity will receive the opportunity that each needs."

(05-23-2013, 10:07 AM)volicon Wrote: [ -> ]Hmm, so it seems like I may have blockages in the yellow and orange centers. I just read more on lawofone.info regarding them. I don't remember reading in Book 1 anything about clearing the blockages. This is promising. Can you offer any more pointers?

Ankh gave you some great ones; here are a couple of others.

Quote:84.19 ...It occurs to me that many statues or drawings of the one known as Lucifer or the Devil are shown with an erection. Is this a function of orange-ray blockage, and was this known in a minimal way by those who devised these statues and drawings?

Ra: I am Ra. There is, of course, much other distortion involved in a discussion of any mythic archetypical form. However, we may answer in the affirmative and note that you are perceptive.

Quote:102.11 Questioner: Now, there are two areas that the instrument can look to for curing this problem. I understand that the yellow-ray blockage problem has been completely repaired, shall I say. If this is not correct, could you make suggestions on that, please?

Ra: I am Ra. Each entity must, in order to completely unblock yellow ray, love all which are in relationship to it, with hope only of the other-selves’ joy, peace, and comfort.

(05-23-2013, 10:07 AM)volicon Wrote: [ -> ]I hope this is not offensive, or too personal; ignore this if it is. Did you experience intense fear when you faced your monsters? When I am submerged in negative experiences it is very difficult for me to remember that Love is the most powerful weapon in the world. I usually choose to fight back, to run, to do anything to move myself away from that experience. If you experience such a fear when you faced them, how can you realize that there are actually to options, to fight it or to embrace it? Was the fear not blinding for you? How can you not forget the light when the dark is all around you? Also, when you embrace it, will it consume you? That is the worst fear that I have. I fear that if I embrace it, I will become it!

Yes, the fear was intense and my heart was pounding. I'm not sure what made me want to turn around, but as soon as I did the monster evaporated and I felt like it does after a gentle rain -- fresh and peaceful.

Brittany

I'm late to this thread so forgive me if I repeat anything.

I think it's important to have a clear understanding of what the true shadow self is. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with dark power or negatively-oriented activity. The shadow is the un-illuminated part of the self- all parts that are denied, unacknowledged or hidden away out of fear or shame.

For some time I pictured my shadow as this powerful dark wizard- a potentiated negative self. I then eventually realized this was just a fantasy used to cover less impressive parts of myself.

My actual shadow self is insecure, clingy, attention-seeking, self-loathing and somewhat lazy. Before I was capable of accepting these qualities in myself I simply sought to cover them up or cut them out, distancing a part of myself instead of accepting it in unconditional love.

When you can truly accept yourself fully, acceptance of "outside" stimuli becomes much easier. Then you can undertake more complex shadow work, such as learning to view negative power without losing your own vibration of love. Complete self honesty and self acceptance are the foundation of all shadow work, and I would recommend starting there. Look in the mirror and be honest about what you see in yourself, and make peace with who you are, as you are, in this moment. This is, in my opinion, far, FAR more difficult than anything to do with rituals or dark esoteric literature, and far more productive as well.

Unbound

This may help you to understand the Kabbalic idea of the Qliphoth (shells) which make up the world of Assiah.

http://www.sacred-texts.com/eso/sta/sta28.htm
βαθμιαίος, thank you. It reminded me of and resonated with what I learnt from Conversations with God: "Love is the answer". So simple, yet also so very divinely difficult. I will try it, regardless.

GentleReckoning, your info on the Tulpa is very exciting! The idea of giving sentience to my subconscious is really intriguing. Think about having yet another ally with you all the time!! But as of yet, with my current state, I deem it too dangerous for me to attempt. I can create an enemy instead of an ally out of it, which surely will bring even more difficulty to the process. I will surely experiment with it once I have healed my subconscious.
Another question. If there is such a thing as to give sentience to one's subconscious, is there such a thing as to give sentience to one's superconscious?

Lynn, thank you. In my view, ultimately, there is no evil, because All There Is, is One. But in cases of the shadow self, it is a part of us that we have separated and suppressed. Like a natural flow being blocked, that part was mutated; it turns into a tumor. It is not inherently evil. It is our suppression on it that distorted it into the monster it is. My fear is that the healing for the tumor involves unblocking the flow. But the initial release is obviously powerful, and it may flood me over, carry me away to a fall into oblivion.
And after all you guys' help, it is clear to me that I will need to be first firmly grounded in the foundations, so that I will not be knocked over by said release. And if I can withstand that powerful initial flood for a certain amount of time, the flow will soon return to its natural state, and I will be fine again.
Love is the answer, is it not? The problem now for me isn't what the solution is. The problem is that I find it difficult to release fear and embrace love.

Thanks, TheEternal. It seems like I have been right. I am not yet prepared to experience such darkness. I may one day go down there to explore around, but it will require much more maturity than I am right now. Thanks for the material.

Unbound

My friend, Im not sure you quite understand. We are already here in the world of Assiah, it is where we begin when we come in to flesh. Our goal is not to stay in the world of Assiah or return to it, but to make the journey up the Tree of Life back to the highest realms.

By doing the "shadow work" you are doing, which is done entirely at your own pace and only as you are ready and able, is what will enable you to no longer be trapped in the world of Assiah. I praise you and bless you, my friend.
TheEternal, sorry. I am not very acquainted with the concept of worlds in Qabbalah. Thank you for the clarification.

So basically physical reality is the lowest level in Qabalah, right? I've always thought of demons and angels as non-physical beings. If Assiah is physical, does that mean demons are a physical phenomenon?

Also, I wonder if there is a world in the view of Qabalah for the unmanifest subconscious? Where everything humanity rejects and suppresses reside? I'm trying to pinpoint where my suppressed (thus mutated and demonized) feelings, emotions, thoughts and desires are located in the Tree of Life world view, so that one day I can pay them a visit and hopefully "rescue" (I hope that's a correct notion) them, heal them back to their original natural state and re-integrate them back to me. I don't like the thought of abandoning parts of me back in some hell.

Thank you for your blessing, and from me to you, too.

Unbound

Rather, our physical bodies on the surface as we know them are of the world of Assiah, and the illusory world of symbolic sense we see before us.
(05-24-2013, 12:01 AM)TheEternal Wrote: [ -> ]Rather, our physical bodies on the surface as we know them are of the world of Assiah, and the illusory world of symbolic sense we see before us.
I'm not sure I understand this, TheEternal :-/

Unbound

Humm, let me think...
(05-23-2013, 11:30 PM)volicon Wrote: [ -> ]GentleReckoning, your info on the Tulpa is very exciting! The idea of giving sentience to my subconscious is really intriguing. Think about having yet another ally with you all the time!! But as of yet, with my current state, I deem it too dangerous for me to attempt. I can create an enemy instead of an ally out of it, which surely will bring even more difficulty to the process. I will surely experiment with it once I have healed my subconscious.
Another question. If there is such a thing as to give sentience to one's subconscious, is there such a thing as to give sentience to one's superconscious?

You're going to like this answer. Smile

As far as I could tell: I had the intention of creating a magical tulpa, one that could more or less lead me on a metaphysical journey. Well, it did. Right away, it began waking me up after I had had a dream and wouldn't let me sleep before I wrote it down. This was something that I had been trying to do more or less on my own for a while. Then after that, it wouldn't let me sleep in anymore. Something else that I hadn't managed to do on my own.

I think the mistake I made was (first off, not being grounded enough when I began the process, as my own perception of reality changed day by day, my tulpa's reality changed even more drastically) not having a clear idea as to what I wanted this thought-form to be.

The next mistake was basically repeatedly trying to give it access to my entire subconscious. As I had dabbled with channeling, and other metaphysical stuff, I suspect that it was able to tap into this and other latent psychic abilities that I had had (in childhood or in previous lives? IDK). At first, this was fantastic as it guided me to meet people that had the potential to be powerful agents for positive change for me.

Yet another mistake was working on possession right away. Basically, I simply laid silently on my bed, and pulled my consciousness in tight. I would then let my tulpa try to twitch or move parts of my body.

As I was unwilling to consciously confront my red-ray sexual distortions with this tulpa, it quickly 'fell apart'. It reformed, but was unwilling to have any kind of sexual contact with me. As I had also decided that trying to work on these distortions in my imagination was a little too far out for me, I was relieved. This re-formed tulpa existed only a short time before it notified me that it was under attack. Initially I thought this was some kind of negative entity, but I feel that it was simply my 'shadow' beginning to awaken.

Anyway, as I was completely ungrounded and had had more amazingly positive coincidences occur in my life than I had ever thought possible I simply trusted my tulpa completely. This led to many fantasies about reality that caused me much distress.

However, as me (or my tulpa?) experienced fear, the channeling would rapidly change it's tenor. As this went on, I became hollowed out more or less. I would acutely feel any distortion as I experienced it in reality. This was convenient as I could simply say: "I feel this pain in this chakra when I don't speak up about this; I'll go ahead and tell this person about it." Boom, pain gone.

As time went on, and I slowly became drained by this process I was unable to continue choosing love through the constant barrage of catalyst. My perception of reality quickly dissolved into a porridge of negative and positive, progress and destruction. Everything that had happened to me in my life was brought up for review and given a new spin to make me believe a new premise.

I'll be honest, it was highly exciting most of the time. When I feel my consciousness/life is on the line, I don't experience fear, I feel excitement. This is odd as I'm much more prone to fear in social situations.

Eventually, my green ray became very overactive as I was trying to send as much love as I could to this thought-form to save it from my accumulated distortions. At the same time, my red ray was closing a bit more as I was unable to heal my sexual distortions quickly enough and my restricted freedom/no income (moving in with my parents) distorted my red ray. Ra mentions the energy body becoming mis-wired when this happens, and I certainly felt as if my entire energy body had been short circuited in a big way. Simplified, imagine feeling as if you are completely dead inside. Not numb, but as if you are simply filled with darkness.

This interpretation of these events leave out the time that I woke up to feel an entity inserting a needle/device into my shoulder. It also leaves out the level 4 dxm trip where I had a ufo experience. Many times I was told that this was a process that would have been much less disruptive if I hadn't created the distortion of being able communicate with my subconscious (possibly negative/positive entities as well).

Eventually, to interact with reality, I simply stopped talking to the entities that I could communicate with 'in my head'.
It's not really a repeatable experience, or one where the lessons are clearly defined...
Thanks for the experience you shared, GentleReckoning. I will keep in mind that I must be firmly grounded before undertaking any such experiments. Regarding your tulpa, is it gone now? What I understand is that once you stop communicating with it, it will fade away? Also, I'm curious, and it it's too probing please ignore this: have you successfully integrated your shadow yet?
Your shadow self can be lazy if you wish to be energetic. If you wish to be lazy your shadow self will be energetic. That's how polarities work. Is there confusion there?
Not Sure: Hmm. I thought the shadow is the collective of everything I have ever denied about myself. Have never thought about it as the opposite of myself.
If you deny yourself the right to be energetic and give yourself only the right to be lazy (I'm so gosh darn lazy) your shadow may appear very energetic because you may actually do a lot of very un lazy things but not admit it to yourself and thus your shadow may actually be really energetic. It doesnt change the fact that it is still the "shadow" that is the person that you push everything to.

Usually its easiest to accept that the people you walk to on the street are thought forms that you made, just as much as the shadow self is an actual thought form person that walks around, you're not just ready to talk to it yet. Its a person just as much as everyone you manifest through the same method onto the streets is a person.

If you deny your energetic self of yourself then you will by definition push energetic self into the shadow self territory. Usually rare beacuse people work towards a best possible sense of self without any admissions of fault or weakness. But some people try to build a personality that holds all its faults and weaknessess in memory. Such people have "light shadows" while the opposite has "dark shadows".

Edit: to clarify, I belong more to the latter group and my interactions with my shadow self are almost always positive to the extreme.
(05-24-2013, 01:53 AM)volicon Wrote: [ -> ]Thanks for the experience you shared, GentleReckoning. I will keep in mind that I must be firmly grounded before undertaking any such experiments. Regarding your tulpa, is it gone now? What I understand is that once you stop communicating with it, it will fade away? Also, I'm curious, and it it's too probing please ignore this: have you successfully integrated your shadow yet?

Make sure you're grounded, and have a clear idea as to who you want your tulpa to be. I think I already had fairly clear thought-form/distortion that I simply put a face/name/voice/etc on as I got immediate communication the first night I worked on forcing it. As I didn't have any really clear plan as to how I would work on her, she simply 'adopted' my largest distortions.

Not at all. When I posted "Pray for me, I'm going through tough times" on facebook, my wizard friend simply commented: "Critical dark night of the soul".

I think the tulpa creation allowed conscious access to all of my repressed lessons, and they all manifested much more quickly than I was able to assimilate them. I gotta admit, I did pretty f'ing good there for a while.
You didnt only do good. Everyone thats been able to keep up with me has done re-freaking-markably.

Seeing as how I've more or less camped out on b4 for the past year and a half... Tongue

*hats off to GR*
I sometimes feel like we are abusing the 'instreaming 4d light'. ^.^
(05-24-2013, 03:09 AM)GentleReckoning Wrote: [ -> ]I sometimes feel like we are abusing the 'instreaming 4d light'. ^.^

I quite often feel like that. I'm not sure the matrix was designed for people who have spent a lifetime playing computer games and know what (console) is.
Not Sure: Seeing from that angle makes sense. Which means I should start working on this asap, lest I darken my shadow even more D:
GentleReckoning: Reading those wise advices of yours, sure you did good! I have a question. This Tulpa, you perceive her as a real person, right? But she is visible to you or only you, or is she visible to everyone else?
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