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Hi all! New to the forum.
First, I want to say that finding this website at the time I did was completely perfect. If I'd found it sooner I probably wouldn't have been able to grasp any of the information it contained, but now it is like just another puzzle piece falling into place- something to explain all the details now that the big truth has been realized. When I started reading the various offerings on this site it verified everything I’ve up until now wondered if I was just making up. To see so many others whose experiences so mirror my own proves that the messages I’m getting are genuine, and I’ve realized what an amazing journey I’m just now beginning to take.
Second, I’d like to apologize for the length of this post. I’ve shortened it several times trying to condense it all, but my experience has been so amazing there are parts of it I just can’t leave out. What’s happened to me has been so incredible that I want everyone to know all of it!
I’ve had unusual experiences since early childhood. From an early age I could sense things that other people couldn’t, feel things that weren’t there. I could feel other people’s emotions as if they were my own and at times I’d go into ‘fits’ as I called them for so long and words would come out of my mouth that didn’t seem to belong to me. I would get images in my head of places I’d never seen and people I’d never met. I constantly felt as if I was out of place, like I didn't belong. My senses were all off the charts. High-pitched noises drove me insane, I had an acute perception of color and smell, and I wouldn’t eat a great many foods because I could “taste them chemicals in them.”
At the time I had no idea about empathy, channeling, kundalini or anything else of that nature, so as I grew older I began thinking I was insane. For the first twenty years of my life I belonged to a religion that only endorsed this notion. My church denied the existence of the paranormal, and believing in it made you a bad person. It seemed like anything anyone said or thought was an abomination in the Lord’s eyes, and I was convinced that I was some kind of crazy, defective black sheep that was going to rot in the looney bin then burn in hell.
For a while things were bad. My ‘fits’ got worse as I got older, and I started wondering if I was possessed. Sometimes I would get very violent. My face and voice would change and I would scream for hours on end and pull out my hair. Other times I would suddenly act serenely peaceful and give words of wisdom that seemed far to deep to have come from my own mind. Still other times I would just act silly, laughing and making funny noises. It was only lately that a fellow psychic was kind enough to explain that I’m a natural channeler, and have had a multitude of entities pass through me when I was so emotionally vulnerable.
Needless to say, no one in my family or circle of friends understood what was going on. Some accused me of making it all up for attention and others thought I was psychotic. I bounced in and out of psychiatric hospitals for years and was put on a bunch of powerful medications that clouded my thoughts, slowed my body and nearly became the end of me. I was passed from doctor to doctor, drug to drug, but none of them could figure out what was wrong with me and none of the treatments did much of anything to quell my symptoms. I felt like I was in hell, like everyone hated me and things would never get better.
Then, I decided I’d had enough. When I entered my junior year of college a hole tore in the box I’d been living in and I began realizing that maybe things weren’t the way I’d been raised to believe. Maybe it was the new friends I was meeting or my inner energies shifting, but for some reason I knew now was time to take things into my own hands. Leaving my church was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Though I could no longer believe that God was some judgmental being lording over cowering humans and tossing us into hell at will, I had no idea what I did want to believe. I had to leave everything I’d ever known behind, but I realized that if I stayed where I was I was just going to go crazy.
Around this time I met a wonderful man who eventually became my husband. He was incredibly open-minded and didn’t seem to judge me at all. I laugh when I remember our first phone call, in which I said something along the lines of: “I’m a masochist and kind of psychotic.” and he said something along the lines of: “Oh, that’s cool, then.” We immediately became very close, and with him supporting me I suddenly began gathering the confidence to get a grip on myself and start trying to change my life.
I flushed my meds. The withdrawals were awful, but eventually the drugs were out of my system and I was able to think clearer. Some of the side effects of those drugs persist to this day- I still have involuntary muscle twitches and trouble articulating words, but I was blowing the fog out of my head and it instantly felt better. I began experimenting with different religions, still feeling a very powerful connection to God, but nothing seemed quite right. There was always something missing, and I didn’t see how there could be so many concepts of God and only one of them be right.
It is my belief that everyone has at least one big moment in their lives where they have the potential to have an epiphany- that big “aha!” moment that can truly define them. My first of these moments came during this time. I had moved in with my then-boyfriend, and one morning I got up, went into the living room, flipped on the TV, and saw a show about Roswell. I’d never had a huge interest in aliens before that show, but suddenly I felt like I needed to learn everything there was to know about them.
I immediately went to the library to see what I could find. A lot of it was stupid, but a few authors seemed to have a more mature perspective that intrigued me greatly. I discovered the book ‘Calling on Extraterrestrials’ by Lisette Larkins, and immediately devoured it. It seemed to be what the doctor had ordered. It talked about humans being able to communicate with Ets to reach spiritual enlightenment, if they would just open themselves up to contact. I instantly set about trying to establish this contact, as it seemed wonderful.
To my disappointment, no UFOs flew by my window at night. I wanted something amazing to happen right then, and I was angry when it didn’t. I didn’t notice the little changes that took place after I made that affirmation to change nearly as well as I should have. I started getting tingling sensations, as if electricity was jolting through me. My senses heightened and I began having vivid dreams and waking up with strange marks on my body. Still, nothing huge was going on, so I figured the attempt to be a failure. I didn’t realize then how much I needed time to grow and adjust. If everything had happened all at once I probably would have just landed in the nuthouse again, but I was impatient and stubborn so I gave in to depression again.
For a while my quest for spiritual enlightenment was an on-and-off thing. I’d go through periods where I was sure something was happening and I’d be really into it, and some periods where I was sure I’d be better off dead. I married my husband in 2008, and I can say with pride that he stuck by me through it all. When I talked to him about aliens, ghosts, kundalini (I’d recently discovered that term on the internet and wondered if it was pertinent) and any number of other things that would have caused most people to stare at me in alarm, he accepted it all. He still isn’t sure exactly what he believes, but he says he believes anything is possible, which is good enough for me.
Then, there was my second AHA! moment. We were in a store that catered to the metaphysical when I saw a flier for a psychic fair. I decided it might be fun to go and managed to get the day off. My hubby tagged along, though he was a bit spooked by it all. When we arrived I was somewhat disappointed. A lot of the psychics seemed to be fakes who wanted to charge big bucks to stare at some cards and tell you a tall, handsome stranger was about to walk into your life.
We walked up to a booth that sold crystals (I absolutely adore rocks and crystals and have a huge collection) and the man behind the booth immediately drew my attention to some phantom crystals he was selling. This struck me as odd, because I have a special affection for phantom crystals and he immediately pointed them out. Coincidence? Strangely, the crystal that begged me to take it home wasn’t any of the beautiful phantoms, but a smaller crystal with tourmaline inclusions in it that looked like little needles. It reminded me of the pain I was feeling so I bought it.
We were considering leaving, as it wasn’t a big place and nothing seemed incredibly interesting, but as I clutched my crystal a little voice inside said: Wait! There’s someone coming you’ll want to talk to! I really wanted to go home- I was hot and hungry and bored- but I decided to heed the voice anyway, as I’d really been hoping to find someone to share my experiences with. We headed inside and saw that someone was giving a lecture at that exact time. It was a Catholic priest of all people, giving a talk on demonology.
I listened to the talk avidly, as I was still having the ‘fits’ quite often and was still wondering if I was possessed. I quickly realized that if this guy knew what he was talking about, I wasn’t in contact with demons. After his talk I asked if I could talk to him in private. He readily agreed and found a place where my husband and I could talk to him one on one. I told him I didn’t think I was possessed, but since he’d seen a lot I was wondering if maybe he knew what was going on with me. I then began to relate my experiences and he only nodded, a growing realization on his face.
“Oh, you have empathy.” he said, explaining that there were many who could feel other’s emotions, and that it could be a marvelous gift. He also didn’t seem surprised to hear of my visions or strange physical symptoms. He said I might want to talk to some of the other psychics and try some energy work. I was flabbergasted to hear this coming from a priest! He had a very open mind and said he accepted other religions as much as his own. He’d seen the paranormal firsthand and would be stupid to deny it. He said my ‘fits’ were likely the result of me taking in so much negative energy- since I didn’t know how to ground myself it would just build up till it exploded!
He took me to one of the psychics there- an older woman, and asked if she could talk to me a little and see if she could help me, as this wasn’t exactly his area of expertise. I was afraid she would charge me by the hour, but she eagerly talked with me and did some reiki on me completely free of charge. When I told her how, sometimes during the ‘fits’ it seemed as if I wasn’t in control of my own body she explained that I was channeling- that I had a natural gift at it that she only wished she could have. She said all I had to do was learn how to ground myself and establish some mental boundaries and I’d be able to start helping spirits instead of letting them pass through me at random.
She then introduced me to a shaman who said all I needed was a little training and I’d be fine. Everyone there was so nice and told me exactly what I needed to hear! When I left I felt as light as air, as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I wasn’t a freak. I wasn’t psychotic or demon-possessed. There were others like me, and they were able to use what they had to *help* people.
Since that day the light has gotten brighter and brighter for me. I’ve realized that the presences I felt as a child that terrified me are mostly benign spirits who just want a little help. My intuition has gotten sharper and sharper, and I’ve been drawn to various books, websites, etc. exactly when I needed them. Everything has been falling into place, one piece at a time. Now that I look back I can see how amazing a journey I’ve been on and I wouldn’t trade a minute of it. Even though I was so impatient God took care of me exactly as I needed Him to.
I’ve learned to see the world through a whole new perspective. I can now take joy in day-to-day activities. Where I was once disgusted with people in general I now see their pain as an opportunity to help them. I realize how much those thoughtless people are hurting, how much they just need someone to lean on. I have the ability to feel their pain, know what they’re going through, and offer the right advice, and it feels so good when I bring smiles to people’s faces.
I’ve met my spirit guide, and he seemed relieved that I’d finally knocked on the door and asked him to help. I get the feeling he was waiting for a good while! The wisdom he imparts is so profound- each little bit of it impacts my life in such huge ways. He’s also introduced me to others who have told me things about what comes after this life and a little about the big changes in store for earth. I’m so excited now, at this opportunity that’s coming our way! Every day is a new and exciting experience, with so much to learn, so much to do! I see the world through completely different eyes.
When I found this site I felt like I was coming home. The last little details I’d been having trouble figuring out clicked into place. I am SO GLAD this place exists and I can’t wait to meet others who have seen the world through wanderer’s eyes. Though I’ve never felt as if I truly belong on this planet, I love it with all my heart and for the first time in ages I have hope. My main problem now is not bursting into tears of joy every few seconds- it kind of alarms people. I don’t know anyone here personally yet, but I can honestly say I love you so much and THANK YOU!!!
This post is pretty much a continuation on my last post (
Origins, Reptiles and other strange ponderings), but it is so extensive in itself that it seemed silly to post it as a reply.
Recently, and I think largely by facing the topics contained in my latest posts in depth, I seem to have pierced that veil of forgetting. A past life memory has surged into my head, and I think it explains a lot about the current issues I am facing. Of course, I have no way of knowing if these memories are 100%accurate, or accurate at all for that matter, but my intuition is telling me it is so and so far it has greatly helped me in sorting out some of my issues. I don't have many memories of specific things (names, places, particular events) and I think it should stay that way for now. What I remember tends to be more of a broad overview. I thought it might be interesting to share how all my "theories" seem to have rolled into one...the one that finally makes sense to me. I would like to share this memory, not just because I think it is interesting and because many of your comments have helped me to retrieve it, but also out of hope that it might serve to inspire others on their journeys in some small way. It is a story that, at its core, is about hope.
Here is how it all went down to the best of my knowledge:
I was, indeed, born somewhere in the Orion constellation. I was born on a planet (or at least an area) that had been conquered and subjugated by (what I can only guess was) the Orion Empire. I was born the equivalent of a slave. I was in a third density body. I was a hybrid, created from the DNA of at least two separate species (reptilian and human, as far as I can tell). As far as I know I was grown in a test tube, not actually "birthed," though I suppose the embryo may have been implanted at some point. I don't think it's incredibly important to figure that part out. The important part is that my place was already established at birth. I was created to be an effective servant. I find it humorous now that, in the midst of this Service to Self empire, I was born with the function of serving others. Funny how things work out that way.
Seeing how it was all I had ever known, I did not seek to change my station in life. I knew nothing of the world that lied outside the complex I was raised in. Very early on it was discovered that I possessed what would be deemed "psychic gifts" by people on this planet...a "sensitivity to the force" as my husband would say. It was realized that if I was trained to harness these abilities I could be a valuable tool and weapon, so I was removed from my peers and began training in the ways of "adepthood."
I studied in many of what would be considered "the dark arts." Along with my physical abilities, my thought patterns were also carefully monitored and adjusted. Without realizing it, I was being shuttled into the pride/envy mindset that defines much of the STS way. I was taught to feel superior to the fellow slaves whose midst I had been gleaned from. I was special. More powerful than them. And I was certainly better than those regular old humans. My very DNA was superior. I was "promoted" and allowed a small amount of authoritative power in order to experience the lessons offered by the controlling of others. It felt good to control them, especially when I was still so low on the "pecking order." While they encouraged me to despise my inferiors, my masters made it quite clear that I was still vastly inferior to them and my absolute obedience was still required. I know I was abused in many ways but I have purposefully not gone into any specific memories in that area, as I see little point in hashing up hurt from so long ago.
The results of all this training and programming were exactly what my masters had been hoping to cultivate. They had implanted the notion that the only way I could rise above the humiliation of my current station was to gain more power for myself, put more and more people under my feet, and shut out the rest of the world. Though beneath all the layers I had an established conscience and had no true desire to harm anyone or anything, the need to rise in power seemed essential to ever being happy with my life.
During this time I also became an addict to sensation. Pain and pleasure on this world had been honed and refined into very precise tools. Either could be applied artfully and easily through technology instead of the "messy" methods many people of this planet rely on. Both were used with something I can best describe as a barrage of subliminal messages as psychological drugs. One could easily be converted into the other with the right triggers, and once the program had been applied the probability of addiction was staggering. I feel that pleasure on this world was feared almost more than pain. The giving and withholding of pleasure was a powerful weapon. Pain had its obvious uses in discipline, but it could also be subtly tweaked and create its own twisted, psychological dependence. Most of the people on this planet, especially the conquered, were completely absorbed in this program of sensation. It kept them (myself included) dependent on their masters and distracted them from higher spiritual principles. Even the acute empathy that some of my abilities stemmed from was twisted into a way for me to derive enjoyment from the pain of others by this technique. I sincerely believe that most of the sado-masochistic urges I have been struggling to define and deal with stem from this programming, that reached deeply enough into my system to stay with me into this life.
I got very far down the Path to Self. I had been trained in the techniques, trained in the mindset and the psychological concepts. I was gifted and had a strong enough will to move forward instead of crumbling beneath feelings of self-inadequacy. However, there was one thing standing in the way of my imminent graduation. My guides have said that one of my most singularly defining characteristics is my "insatiable curiosity." I am always into everything, wanting to know more. Everything that happens is a question for me. Why? How? Who? I am willing to "go into those dark corners where no one else wants to go, just to see what's there." No matter what happens, one can rest assured that I will want to know more about it. My guides seem to find this trait humorous. My masters less so. I had been content in learning everything there was to learn about what they were teaching me. However, that information eventually turned to regurgitation. It was stagnant. The same old things over and over. I was bored with it. And so I turned my eyes into new mysteries.
I began asking questions, which was a big no-no, to say the least. The less-than-pleasant responses I got from such questions only served to spur my curiosity further. Why didn't they like it when I asked them for knowledge? Were they hiding something? What else was out there? Whatever it was, I was determined to get to the bottom of it. Realizing that looking to my current teachers for new knowledge was not going to produce productive results, I began to take it upon myself to become an acute observer of everything around me. Surely there was *something* in that place that could shed some light on things.
I studied people. All types of people. Slaves. Officials. Cooks. Soldiers. Adults. Children. Why did they do what they did? Each life form became an infinitely complex source of mystery and hidden wisdom. I found myself analyzing people's behavior and discovering patters within. I analyzed governmental structure. What made it work the way it did? I analyzed technology. Why could you stick two parts together and suddenly they would do something amazing? I studied everything, and the details of the world around me- things I had been trained to see as completely superfluous, were suddenly filled with so much potential.
Over time I realized that in order to learn all there was to learn from a situation, I would have to become a completely objective observer. That meant I would have to learn humility. To truly understand the behavior of the lowest of slaves, I would have to bring myself down to their level, walk in their shoes and see things from their point of view. Needless to say this produced some emotional constipationon within. It was hard for me to break that pride that had become my only shield against the harsh reality of my existence, but for knowledge, it was worth it, and I once again began to see myself as just another person. At this point I don't think I realized my true connection to the All...my insight did not yet run that deep, but I was starting to scratch the surface.
As I became one of the common people, I could no longer ignore their suffering. This awoke the compassion in my heart, and it flared with a most painful intensity. I had stitched my heart shut and now it was being ripped open with brutal force, the light pouring in far too bright, burning me. My programming began to falter. My empathetic nature rose back to the surface, though it was still marred by the addictive behaviors rooted so deeply into my system. Life became overwhelming.
I began to break down. Emotions I had worked so hard to suppress burst through the cracks forming in my armor, exploding out under pressure and manifesting as neurotic behaviors. In this world I would probably have been classified as having a plethora of mental illnesses at this point. Life as I knew it was crumbling around me, and there was no one I could call on for help. I had gotten myself into this mess with my need to know, and now I knew too much. Nothing made sense anymore. I was afraid. Paranoid. Angry. I altered between periods of lashing out and secluding myself in psychotic inner rantings.
Needless to say, this did not go over well. My use to my masters was rapidly diminishing. I had gone from being a powerful opportunity to an annoyance. What use was a crazy slave? If anything I was a loose cannon. I still had the potential to call on significant power but I no longer had the direction that would allow that power to be manipulated in my masters' favor. I was dangerous. A disaster waiting to happen. They tried various ways of coercing me back into my old shell but nothing was working, and that rendered me useless.
I have no doubt they would have killed me. Yet somehow I managed, at that critical moment, to come in contact with an STO oriented being. I think it is possible he was 3rd density as well, but had a strong pull in the Service to Others direction. I have begun to wonder if I did in fact die at this point and this teacher I met and the things I saw all occurred in the spirit world, but my intution tells me that this man came to me in the literal physical reality I was in. I don't know what he was doing there and I don't even remember the specifics of our meeting. All I know is that he convinced my owners to part with me and let me come with him. At the very least they would be getting rid of a nuisance that had become a thorn in their sides.
So I left and went with him. This man traveled a lot. He traveled to other planets quite often. In fact, he seemed to have no home of his own at all. We were always traveling. He took me to many places that radiated peace and love to a degree that completely blew my mind. I had never, not once in my life, encountered true, unconditional love. It wasn't something I'd realized existed, and to suddenly experience it was nothing short of terrifying. Though I felt an intense joy in these places, I had no idea how I was supposed to behave. Loving was not in my programming. On many, many occasions I would be moved to tears and become completely unable to function for some time because of the overwhelming nature of the love I encountered. I think for a good while I stopped speaking altogether, because my feelings were beyond words. I began to devote a lot of time to meditation and contemplation, looking within, trying to figure out exactly who I was and what I wanted to do with all these new feelings.
My teacher never tried to influence me in any certain direction. He only provided the wisdom he retained when I asked for it (quite often) and his inability to judge me I found distressing. Why didn't he punish or reprimand me when I displeased him? That's what was *supposed* to happen. That's what I was used to. Being so completely accepted made me uncomfortable. I often became angry at his objectivity. Couldn't he just give me a little hint at how I was *supposed* to be acting? I think there were several who questioned this man's actions. They wondered if he was only increasing my confusion. He told them it was my choice if I stayed or left. He wasn't forcing me to stay at his side, but who was he to send me away if I wanted to engage in the teach/learn relationship? I chose to stay, for I could see that there was something in this man that could unlock that door that all the things I didn't understand were hidden behind. The emotional constipation persisted, but the wounds were slowly losing their sharpness and very, very slowly I was opening myself up to the possibility of being able to live on one of these worlds full of love and love others and be loved myself.
I knew I had a lot of work to do, and little time to do it. I realized now how much I didn't know, how much that had been left undone. But I knew I wanted to graduate. I *wanted* a purpose. I wanted to feel strongly about something, I just didn't know what at that point. In spite of all I learned, I feel that my time with this teacher was relatively brief. I think I realized my incarnation was drawing to its close, and I was full of fear as to how I would keep myself from simply sliding back into the same old patterns in my next life.
My teacher had a suggestion. He told me about Earth, and the changes it was undergoing. It was a very special time, ripe with catalyst. If I incarnated there and maintained my determination I would have the opportunity to polarize rapidly...in either direction. I knew enough about the Service to Self path to easily regain the negative polarity I had acquired throughout most of my life and continue to develop that polarity in a much less inhibited atmosphere. My gifts could, if used in the proper ways, give me significant power over those around me. However, I had also displayed the willingness to reverse that potential. I could easily take my limited knowledge on intelligent infinity and direct it toward Service to Others. If I could just manage to open my heart the groundwork had already been set for me to slingshot myself into positive polarity. My teacher did not encourage me to take one path or the other, just to take a path, because he could tell I was unhappy in my confusion.
I think it may have been slightly difficult to secure my place here. I was something of a fluctuating anomaly...unpredictable and, at times, quite unstable. In the end, however, there were those who resonated with my desire enough to allow me to incarnate here. I tried to be very careful with the life I had a hand in programming. I gave myself the opportunity for plenty of catalyst. By growing up in a chaotic home I learned to look within for peace. By being raised with strict dogmatic beliefs I learned to think for myself and tear down old paradigms. By being born in a land that advertises its freedom, I was able to learn to make my own decisions and not depend on others to bear the responsibility of dealing with important issues. By coming in contact with people who would hurt me so deeply, I learned to forgive. By coming in contact with people who would move me with such profound love, I learned to forgive myself. Everything has had a reason. Everything has fallen into place.
Of course, there have been difficulties. The two pronounced polarities residing within my own mind have vied and warred for my attention. It also seems that I have once again become a source of interest to many negative entities, who see that I now have the chance to regain the negative polarity that ended up shattering in my past life. But I love them for caring in their own way. I love every trial and tribulation I have run into because without them I would not be who I am, and being who I AM is so important to me. I am so glad to be where I am right now. I do not regret a minute of my existence. I do not have spite for any lifeform I have ever come in contact with. I simply feel gratitude for everything leading me to be where I am today, because it is such a tremendous privilege to be here. Now I only wish to give of this gratitude in service. So much has been given to me. I want to give back for a change. I want to say thank you to the universe by devoting myself to serving to my highest ability.
Thank you so much to everyone who has answered my long, rambling posts because it is your answers that have moved this critical stone and unlocked such a huge revelation in my mind. Without you it would not have happened. Thank you. Though I am not a Wanderer in the same sense as many of you, I still share your purpose, and if I may offer what wisdom or experience I have managed to acquire, or if I may simply offer my support and love, it is yours if you but ask. Instead of coming from enlightenment into chaos, I came from chaos seeking enlightenment. Thank you for moving me one step closer to finding it, my wonderful friends.
My story is ongoing. I felt compelled to write another chapter. This one I have transformed into a fable, characterizing myself as I realize that we are all characters in a much larger production. Please forgive the length.
Sometime long ago, in a village right on the edge of the universe, there was born a soul named Ahktu. Now, seeing how this village was on the edge of the universe, Ahktu's people had a good, clear view of the Void which lay beyond the Known Reality. In fact, they had such a clear view that many of them came to see the Void as All There Was, aside from themselves of course.
Ahktu's people spent a great deal of time observing the void, studying it and telling stories of what might lie within or beyond it. A great many of them even came to worship the Void. They brought its qualities into their lives and did rituals before it in hopes that it might bestow them with knowledge and understanding. At times, some of Ahktu's people would even step off the edge of the Known and hurl themselves into the Void. The rest of them perpetually waited for the day those individuals might return and share their experiences- share what communion with the Great Black truly entailed.
Now, Ahktu’s people were a curious people, and they loved learning new things. Most of them were so fascinated by the Void that they were fixated upon the mysteries it contained, but Ahktu was even more inquisitive and impetuous than the rest of the villagers. For Ahktu, enough was never enough. She never ran out of questions to ask, nor was there an obstacle too imposing for her to turn away from a chance to explore. It was not at all uncommon for her to land in the most precarious of situations due to her inability to just let things be.
Some of the villagers thought Ahktu’s mischief was amusing. Some just shook their heads, saying that her antics would bring trouble one day. Still, Ahktu was a good student who excelled in all her studies. In spite of all her eccentricities she faithfully learned all the history and wisdom her people had passed down through the ages. Like the rest of them she sat atop the roof of her house and contemplated the Void and its mysteries every night. Her exploits were never too over-the-top, and as she grew and matured she became well respected by her people.
Apart from a keen, eager mind, Ahktu had a sensitive soul that let her see into the deeper meaning of things. Quite often when she looked at people they would comment that they felt as if she were staring into their very soul. At times she came off as clumsy or even oblivious when it came to everyday matters, but there was a deeper wisdom somewhere within that could sometimes be seen shining out of her eyes. As she grew older her sensitivities bloomed into psychic gifts, and she easily learned her people’s magic. She achieved a position of high status as a talented Magi, and people would flock to her for healing, or to learn the secrets of power, or just to hear things about themselves, for nothing seemed to be hidden before her eyes.
Ahktu enjoyed being able to do these things, and the fact that others respected her opinions- even the ones who had considered her foolish. In her adulthood she had established a very comfortable life filled with luxury, safety and stability. However, that curious child within her never quite died. Though she was renowned for her wisdom, a part of her felt empty, as if there were a space in her mind waiting to be filled with some knowledge that was just out of her grasp. As the years went by and she grew older this inner hole only seemed to grow and she became more and more despondent and restless. What was she missing? It was like an itch that couldn’t be scratched, and each day it felt more and more as if there were another person inside a cage within her body, rattling the bars and demanding to be set free.
Each night Ahktu sat on her roof and stared up at the Void, asking for the answers to these questions she couldn’t quite put into words. Each night she felt the velvet blackness wrap around her comfortably, caressing her reassuringly, but the questions remained. At times she was sure she could hear whispers coming from the inky depths, but they were always too soft and quick to understand. Every night Ahktu would let go of more and more of her thoughts and her personality, believing that if she could make herself like the Void- empty and unfeeling inside- then she might finally be able to understand its whispers.
In time Ahktu’s spark seemed to fade. She was so focused on her search for answers that she began to neglect the duties she had once valued so highly. When the other villagers smiled and talked to her she scarcely saw them, for her eyes were ever on the Void, in case it should suddenly discharge the answers she sought. Eventually she even stopped finding the time to eat, to sleep, to work her magics. That unexplainable inner thing was consuming her bit by bit. She simply laid on her roof as her body grew thin and her thoughts grew blurry, her heart lost in its pining.
Then, one night, Ahktu received a visitor. He appeared before her in a cloud of dark smoke, and his clothing seemed to be made of shadows, swirling about his body like living fog. A deep hood covered his face, and he held a staff of brittle wood that somehow seemed stronger than even the most finely crafted of swords. Never before had Ahktu seen such a sight, and it was enough to cause her to sit up in spite of the weakness she had brought upon her body. The embers of that once-lost spark could be seen flashing in the depths of her eyes as she stared up at the Dark Visitor.
“Are you the Void?” she asked hopefully, thrilled that the Darkness might take on form just for her.
“No.” said the Dark Visitor, his voice like autumn leaves. “I am her brother. Some call me Death.”
“Oh.” Ahktu’s face fell a bit. It was not the Void Incarnate after all. But surely the Void’s brother could have interesting things to say as well. She had never even known the Void had a family, just like her. “Well, Death,” she said slowly, trying to sound as respectful as possible, “can you answer any of my questions? Can you tell me why I feel this way inside?”
For a moment Death was silent, regarding the girl from beneath his dark hood. “My Child,” Death said softly, “I am not of the mysteries of this world. I am the Gatekeeper to what lies beyond it. When they are ready, I ferry those who have gathered all that they can in this place to another learning ground- a world of things beyond this realm’s understanding.”
If she had had the strength, Ahktu would have jumped up and clapped with joy. “You’ve come for me, then? To take me there?” she asked excitedly. “I would very much like to see this world of new things.”
Death placed a hand on top of Ahktu’s head, and it felt like the coldness of the mountain streams. “My Child, you rely so much on the Void for learning that you are passing by all the lessons this life has to offer you. Why would you be given eyes and ears simply so you could stare at Nothing all day? If you devote yourself to Nothing then you shall become Nothing inside, and even I am incapable of reaching Nothing. You have turned to Emptiness to understand Fullness, and in very little time there shall be Nothing left to fill.”
Death swished his staff through the shadows and Ahktu suddenly realized that its end was tipped with a long, shining sickle. “My blade will be forced to cut you down as a green chute, before you have grown to the point of harvestibility, and all the beautiful potential inside of you shall not have the chance to bloom and scatter seeds into the world beyond. Such is a fate of pain and separation, but it is the way of things. I have watched you with interest for many a year, Young One, and it would bring me sorrow to see such an outcome.”
Ahktu regarded Death in confusion. Was he telling her that, after all her years of seeking and searching, after as hard as she had worked and dedicated herself, she still knew little more than Nothing? A part of her felt insulted that he would even suggest such a thing. Another part cringed in shame at the realization that it was true. “Oh, Death,” she said in a meek voice, “I didn’t mean for it to end up this way. Is there any way at all to make things right?”
Though she could not see his face, Ahktu could feel something strange radiating from Death’s being- a warm, embracing feeling she wouldn’t have expected from something so dark. “My Dear,” Death said, “the questions and the answers always lie with you. The Choice has always been in your hands. Through Choice you have brought yourself to the brink of my domain before your appointed time. The fact that I may speak with you in this way only proves how dimly your flame is flickering. However, as long as you have fire left in you, you may Choose to alter the path beneath your feet. You must act quickly, however, for though I am keeper to this blade, I cannot hold it back when it falls.” As he spoke, Death’s image grew fainter, his voice barely a whisper.
“But Death,” Ahktu pleaded desperately, “can’t you tell me a little more than that? I’ve been searching for so long and I still don’t know where to start!”
“Stop looking…” Death’s voice was barely more than a night breeze. “Simply open your eyes and see.”
And then Death was gone, and Ahktu was once again alone on the roof. She stared up at the Void and in the past, where it had always comforted her, its vast expanse now made her feel more alone than ever. Her heart was filled with sorrow, but her brush with Death had rekindled her desire. She knew now that she couldn’t Die before she found the answers she sought. She would find a way.
She rose from the roof and weakly stumbled into her home. For the first time in what seemed like months she ate food and bathed herself and rested. She hadn’t realized how exhausted she was until now, and she instantly feel into a deep sleep. She had a dream that night, that she was standing on the very edge of the village wall, staring out into the wastelands that lay beyond it. Nobody ever went into the wastelands, for it had been concluded that there was little of interest to be found out there. However, in the dream Ahktu was filled with a strange feeling- one might even call it a compulsion. As she stared into the wastelands her feet seemed to be trying to pull her forward of their own accord, and though she clung to the wall in resistance they pulled her onward, until her own legs had kidnapped her from her home, carrying her ever farther away from it even though she screamed in protest.
The next morning Ahktu awoke with a start. The dream had frightened her, yet it had also stirred something deep within her- a stirring she had not felt since she was a child creeping into forbidden places. She quickly dressed and hurried through the village before the sun had fully risen. Normally this would be a time of meditation and preparation for the duties of the day, but the yearning in Ahktu’s heart could not wait a moment longer. The early morning air was cool on her skin and by the time she reached the edge of the village she was really wishing that she had brought her cloak, and perhaps a better pair of shoes. Still, she pressed onward, climbing up on top of the village’s wall and staring out into the wastelands as the wind whipped her hair behind her head.
Few were up and about yet, and it was quiet enough for Ahktu to hear her heart pounding anxiously in her chest. She waited in silence, half expecting her dream to come true and find her feet taking control of the rest of her. She waited until she could hear the clangs of pots and pans as the village residents began preparing breakfast. Soon they would notice her absence, and someone might come looking for her.
And then, there! In the sky! Ahktu stared in wonderment as a great flash rocketed through the air, falling like a shooting star into the wilderness. She could hear a vague rumble as whatever it was touched down, and she thought she could see a small cloud of smoke rising from a point nearly beyond her vision. It seemed too large and obvious to be a falling star, and she was quite nearly sure that she had seen some sort of shape within the flying light. No one ever ventured into the wilderness, but at that moment Ahktu was an excited, curious child all over again. If she could see the smoke it couldn’t have landed too far off, and she had never examined anything that had fallen out of the sky, save the rain. It was something new…something she had never seen before.
With a bravery she had not possessed since her youth Ahktu climbed down the outer side of the wall and scurried off into the wastelands. Only after hours of travel did she begin to doubt the wisdom of such an action. As her stomach gurgled she wished that she had at least thought to bring some food and water on the journey with her. She could no longer see the smoke, and her feet were tired and blistered. She realized that she could no longer see the village behind her, either, and wondered with dismay if Death might be back to claim her sooner than he desired.
She longed to rest…a good part of her wanted to flop down on the ground and cry and pound her fists into the dirt at the absurdity of it all, but, like in the dream, her feet carried her on in spite of herself. It was nearly nightfall and she was nearing the point of utter exhaustion when at last the barren expanse gave way to a sight she had never dared to imagine.
Sitting amidst a clump of dry brush was an enormous metal disk. It was absurdly large- why, one could probably fit half the village inside of it. There were little windows around its edges, and metal legs coming out of the bottom, holding it up off the ground. Ahktu blinked in amazement at the sight of the disk, not knowing what to make of such a discovery. It took some time before she gathered the courage to approach the disk, and she ran her hand along its smooth surface. It was cool and sleek, and it reminded her of Death’s touch. She could see her reflection in the polished metal and gasped when she realized how worn and thin her body had become.
“Hello there.”
Ahktu nearly screamed at the sound of the voice. She turned sharply to see a man coming out of the disk, walking out from a door that had opened without a sound. He was a strange-looking fellow. She had never seen such an odd skin tone, or such strange clothing. He was smiling widely at her, and there was a brightness about his features. For some reason Ahktu felt comfortable around this strange, foreign man. Somehow she felt as if she had known him her whole life, though they had just met.
“Who are you?” she asked inquisitively. “Are you from another village?”
The man’s smile grew even wider. “You might say that.”
Ahktu regarded the metal disk. “Is this some sort of chariot?” She rapped her knuckles against the metal. “Or do you live inside of it?”
“Both, perhaps. Or neither.”
Ahktu wondered why the man was giving such cryptic answers. Were his words a riddle she was supposed to figure out? Was this some sort of test, perhaps even an initiation?
“What are you doing out here?” she asked. “I’ve never seen a flying chariot before. Forgive me, but it’s quite strange.”
“Well…” The man looked Ahktu directly in the eye as he spoke, causing her to become completely absorbed in his words. “I travel all over, looking for people to join me in my adventures. I have no home to call my own, so I visit other people’s, and I share in their lives and their experiences. Each place I go, I learn something new.”
Ahktu’s face broke into a smile. “I like to learn new things, too.” she said merrily.
“Say, would you like to come with me?” the man suddenly asked, waving toward the door of his ship. “My last companion left some time ago, and it would be good to have company again.”
Ahktu regarded the man in awe. “You’d let me ride in your chariot? But why? You don’t even know me!”
“We all know each other.” the man said in that same cryptic tone. “Sometimes we just forget we do.”
A lot of what the man said didn’t make sense, but the thought of getting to ride in the giant metal disk was enough to make Ahktu’s heart burst with joy. “I would love to come!” she practically shouted, realizing that if she had forced Death to take her, this moment would never have come to be. “Just let me get my things and…”
“I’m afraid there’s no time for that.” the man’s voice was even and steady, but there was a hint of something like sadness in it’s depths. “I cannot stay in this place long. If you want to come, you must come as you Are.” And he held out his hand to her in invitation.
For a moment Ahktu hesitated. She thought of all her books, her magical tools and all of the precious mementos she had collected of her people. She thought of all the people she had come to regard as her friends and teachers, of how much she would miss their company. But as she looked at the man’s face, something in her heart whispered that if she passed up this opportunity, she would never find another like it. She reached out and took his hand.
“Alright.” she said in her bravest voice. “I’ll come with you. Though you are welcome to come back to the village for a bit if you like. I’m sure my people could teach you many new things.”
The sadness in the man’s voice grew a bit more potent. “I’ve come here many times.” he said softly. “You are the first one to see my ship, because you looked in a place no one else cared to. I cannot show myself to those who are not ready to see me. That is the way of things.”
Ahktu wasn’t sure how anyone could miss something as obvious as a flying chariot, but she knew she wasn’t likely to get much else out of this line of questioning, so she simply took the man’s hand and let him help her onto the ship. “I’m Ahktu, by the way.” she said as she climbed through the door. “What’s your name?”
The man smiled again, and his eyes twinkled a bit. “Oh, a lot of folks call me Wander.”
Ahktu’s amazement at the inside of Wander’s ship was outdone only by the sight of the worlds he took her to. She had scarcely thought of other villages, but now she was encountering whole new planets, each one more spectacular than the last, each one full of beings that told stories so fantastic she could scarcely comprehend their words. Never in her wildest dreams had she imagined that all of this could exist beyond her village walls. How long had her people sat in seclusion simply because they didn’t care to search?
Ahktu loved the new sights and sounds, and she lapped up the experience like a thirsty kitten. Yet she also noticed something strange. The people of each planet she visited were happy to tell her of all their Gods and Goddesses and the rituals they had created for them and the shrines they had erected to honor them. But not once did she see a shrine for the Void, nor did she hear a chant sung in her honor.
Stranger still, it seemed that while many of the peoples she met knew nothing of the Void at all, some had come to see her as the embodiment of evil and wickedness. They told stories of the Void to their children to scare them into behaving, and some went so far as to blame all their hardships on the Void, as if she were a monster prowling about waiting to devour them. Ahktu found these beliefs disturbing, and everywhere she went she tried to enlighten those she met to the truth of the Void- to erase their meaningless fears. Surely to set them straight would allow them more peaceful lives.
But no one wanted to hear Ahktu’s stories of the Void. In fact, the more she talked about it, the more people looked at her with suspicion and distrust. They began to turn away from her whenever she came near. Their hatred of the Void ran so deep that in time Ahktu came to wonder if that which she had grown up to see as sacred really was something wicked…if perhaps she was tainted with that wickedness. She began to feel lost and alone, and the mysteries that had once driven her forward began to fill her with disdain.
Desperate to leave her loneliness behind, Ahktu tried to forget about the Void and the way it had once called to her. She began to worship the Gods and Goddesses of the people around her instead, determined to cleanse herself of the wickedness that kept her so alone. A lot of the people she encountered worshipped the Sun of their solar system. The Light, they said. The Light was the way to salvation. She had always wanted to be a Good Person, and though her world had known nothing of Light, she prayed to the Light as hard as she had prayed to the Void, so that purity might flow through her veins and Happiness and Love might find their way to her.
Eventually Ahktu became so caught up in her quest to reform herself that Wander’s journeys lost their intrigue. She rooted herself into the ground, and he said nothing when she failed to continue traveling with him, for he could only speak to those who saw him. She hardly noticed his absence, because here she belonged. Here she was learning how to be a Good Person, because everyone knew that Bad People could never be happy. That was the way of things.
As the years went by, Ahktu quite nearly forgot the Void altogether. In fact, she quite nearly forgot everything about that life she had once lived, in that village on the edge of the universe. She found new names to call herself, new rituals to practice. She remade herself in the image of the Light, and, just as they had in that village long ago, everyone around her came to love and respect her.
But…just as it had happened before, a tiny piece of Ahktu’s heart refused to be filled. The Light was bright and beautiful, and those who followed it were so lovely and kind to her, giving her all the Love and Acceptance anyone could ever want in life. Yet there was still that implacable longing- a small splinter in her soul that grew slowly into an aching wound. WHY did she still feel empty inside? She had been redeemed in the Light. She was a Good Person. Wasn’t that the point of her journeys? Wasn’t that enough?
In time the smiling, happy faces of those Good People around her only came to increase her sadness. Their words of affection began to sound hollow. The Light wrapped around her with warm, tingling affection, but, just like the Void, it never answered the questions she asked long into the night. Ahktu began to wonder if she could ever be happy- if anyone could ever be happy. Or was it all just some cruel game people were forced to play?
One day Ahktu walked out into the mountains of the new place she had made her home, seeking solitude to clear her mind. She walked out farther than she ever had before, until she came to a cave whose dark mouth looked out of place amongst the sunshine and flowers. Cool air wafted out of the cave and a strange feeling came over Ahktu as she stared into its depths. The darkness within frightened her a bit, but something inside also seemed to be calling to her. It seemed familiar somehow. Tentatively she stepped inside.
The father into the cave Ahktu walked, the colder the air became, until she was shivering and scraping her feet on rocks and once again wishing she had remembered to bring along a cloak and better shoes. The air grew thicker, until it seemed to be pressing in on her from all sides, and she began to feel like a small animal being cornered by predators. Still, she was drawn forward by a soundless siren’s song, unable to resist going just a bit further, and a bit further after that.
Finally Ahktu stood in the very heart of the cave, where the air was the coldest and heaviest, and the blackness was at its thickest. She stood in the pitch darkness, waiting for the wisdom she sought to reveal itself.
“I was wondering when you would come visit me.” an icy voice said from the shadows, causing her to shiver even harder, for there was none of the affection she was so used to in the voice. Slowly a pale blue glow began to fill the dark space, until Ahktu’s sight grew clear enough for her to realize that she was standing before an enormous creature with horns and pale scales and great wings and luminous, flashing eyes. The sight of the creature was enough to drop her to her knees, though through the terror she felt there was also something akin to admiration. This creature was obviously very powerful, and looked as if it knew an awful lot of things.
“I beg your pardon.” Ahktu squeaked in a tiny voice, “I didn’t mean to disturb you in your er…home.”
“Oh, not at all.” The creature reclined back against the cave walls, uncoiling its long tail around the space where they stood. “It isn’t often I get visitors…ones worth talking to, anyway. Those few that dare to enter my domain usually run away screaming before they can even witness my true glory. Aren‘t you frightened like the rest of them?”
“Well, honestly, I am quite a bit frightened.” Ahktu said in a small voice, wringing her hands. “But you look like you are very wise and powerful, and none of the Good People down below can explain this emptiness I feel in my heart. Perhaps you could?”
The creature gave a hiss of scornful laughter and smoke rose from its nostrils. “That’s because those people are stupid.” it said matter-of-factly. “I can tell just from looking at you that you’re different…special. But they don’t see that, do they? I bet they convinced you there’s something wrong with you…converted you to their little club, didn’t they?”
“But they’re Good People.” Ahktu argued, suddenly feeling very conflicted inside. “They are full of Light, and the Light brings Happiness…doesn‘t it?”
The creature laughed so hard that the air became clouded with smoke. “They love telling people that.” it finally grunted. “They preach the Light because they’re afraid of the Darkness. They’re afraid of the power it offers, so they make up all sorts of reasons not to touch it. They’re weak cowards who make slaves of themselves when they could be kings, simply because they are too threatened by their own potential. They are a crowd of peasants crying out for direction!”
The creature’s words stirred something deep inside of Ahktu. What was it? Anger? Agreement? Or maybe, somehow, even a feeling of satisfaction? “I don’t want to be a slave.” she said, with a bit more confidence in her voice. “I don’t want to be lost in the crowd.”
“Of course you don’t.” The creature extended one of it’s claws, nearly as long as Ahktu’s whole arm, and brushed it against her body lightly. “You have abilities they could only dream of. You’ve seen things they wouldn’t dare to understand. You are a Goddess among insects.”
That strange feeling was growing ever-stronger in Ahktu, swirling within her gut. It was a heavy feeling, but also oddly pleasurable. “Even so, what can I do?” she queried the creature. “None of them will like me if I don’t follow the Light. I will be alone.”
“Who cares what they think?” the creature snapped. “Why would you want blind fools for friends? They are nothing more than tools to be used. You have power inside of you. Let it out and you can rule them, and they will be unable to harm you or force you to follow their code of slavery. You can have anything, anyone you want, and people will do whatever you ask them to. And beyond that, if you use your power wisely they will adore you and throw themselves into battle for you. They will Love you as they have never Loved you before.”
“I don’t understand…” Ahktu began, turning the creature’s words in her head. “Why would people Love me if I treated them in such a way? Wouldn’t they be afraid of me?”
“At first, perhaps.” The creature gave her a sharp-toothed smile. “But people are easy to manipulate. Your gifts let you see people’s desires easily. You can see their weaknesses and use that to your advantage. You are an intelligent girl. You could easily spin your words like silver, and they will scarcely realize the power you hold over them. They will bend to your will like stalks of wheat, and be all the Happier because of it.”
Ahktu pondered the creature’s words for some time. “Perhaps you are right.” she finally said. “Perhaps it is the duty of the strong to rule the weak. I could show them a better way.”
“Yes, yes!” The creature’s voice rose an octave, causing the walls of the cave to rumble. “You are doing them a favor by giving them direction to follow. Now listen, I can tell that you have seen places and learned magics that are foreign to me. Take my mark upon you, let me see through your eyes and gain your knowledge, and I will add my power to your own.”
“Your mark…” Ahktu eyed the creature nervously. “What does that mean, exactly?”
“Oh, it’s just a formality. Think of it as an exchange…a symbiosis, if you will. After all, I have given you the answers you seek, and am offering you much more still. Don’t you owe me something in return? You never get Something for Nothing. That is the way of things.”
Suddenly the creature seemed more threatening than ever, but perhaps it was right. She had offered more to faceless Gods who had never answered her. “Alright.” she said, though hesitantly. “If it‘s really for the best.”
“Oh, yes, it is.” The creature bent its long neck down until its large face was right in front of Ahktu’s body, it’s vivid eyes seeing into the depths of her being. She gasped as it suddenly expelled breath over her stomach and an icy numbness washed over her, followed by a dull burning sensation. She gingerly lifted up her tunic and realized that a symbol had appeared on her flesh- a circle within a circle.
“Now go.” the creature hissed. “I must remain hidden here. That is the way of things. But you shall carry my power with you into the world.”
And so Ahktu emerged from the cave feeling like a New Person. The longer the mark was upon her, the more confidence she felt. Her whole body seemed to be overflowing with power, and there didn’t seem to be a thing she couldn’t do simply by thinking about it. It was such a heady rush, and her mind was filled with all the dark passions that she had spent so long repressing. Never had she known such unbounded freedom. She let out a primal roar that echoed through the mountaintops, strength boiling in her veins.
Ahktu descended back among the Good People, and just as the creature had said, it took little more than a few pretty words to have them falling all over her. She had only to display the slightest bit of power to inspire terror…or adoration. There were a few that resisted her actions, that tried to warn the others against her, but they were easily villainized and crushed beneath her foot. Ahktu quickly rose in power until she was proclaimed Empress by the people of her home, and she was moved to a grand palace that people would take long journeys to reach simply to behold her glory.
At times the mark would burn against Ahktu’s flesh. At times it made her feel like a sponge being wrung of all its fluids, but surely such small discomfort was nothing in comparison to what she had been given. Often she could feel the creature’s presence nearby, though it never showed itself, and at times she could hear it whispering in her ear, guiding her with its wisdom and teaching her new techniques. She had but to ask and the creature would whisper answers to all of her questions, holding nothing back and never speaking in riddles as those other annoying beings had.
A number of years passed, and then one day a man showed up at Ahktu’s palace, seemingly from nowhere. He wore a simple traveler’s cloak and carried nothing but a battered old walking stick. As he made his way into her throne room she stared down at him disdainfully, wondering what such a lowly creature could possibly have to offer her. “Who are you and what do you want?” she asked impatiently, eager to get him out of her sight. Some implacable thing about him made her uncomfortable.
The traveler removed his hood and stared up at Ahktu with eyes as dark as the Void itself. For a moment the web of power surrounding the woman seemed to falter. Those eyes…they brought back a feeling that had become so distant she had forgotten what it meant. He bowed deeply before her.
“Oh, great Empress,” he said in a deep but melodic voice, “I come to you to warn you that you are in great danger! There are those plotting against you who would have your power for themselves.”
“Hmph!” Ahktu stared down at the man haughtily. “Who would dare to oppose my power?” she scoffed, though there was the slightest hint of apprehension in her voice.
“There are great Dark Ones.” the man continued. “They are very powerful, and want your power as well. They will stop at nothing until they have destroyed you.”
“How could you know such things? You’re little more than a beggar.”
The man gave the smallest of smiles. “You might say I have Foreseen it, my Lady. Like you, I have gifts not commonly known to men. If you would have me, I would stay and offer you my counsel, and keep these Dark Ones from achieving their ends.”
Ahktu regarded the man coldly. His words were creeping through her veins like spiders. “And how do I know you’re not just trying to deceive me and seize my power for yourself?”
The empress watched as the man dropped his staff to the ground, then got on his knees and bowed his face to the floor. “I come before you unarmed, my Lady, and I shall only grace you with my presence when you request it. If at any point you have the slightest notion that I mean you harm, I will bare my neck to you and you may take off my head at your leisure.”
The sight of such humility made something inside of Ahktu cringe. This man claimed to have powerful magic, yet he dressed like a peasant and prostrated himself like a slave. Surely he was mad. Yet something within his words gnawed at her to the point that she couldn’t bring herself to have him put out of the palace. “Alright, you may stay. But no funny business or I’ll have you tortured in the dungeons!”
The man climbed back to his feet and bowed to her again, smiling. “Of course, my Lady.”
Over the next several weeks the Seer made good on his word, staying out of Ahktu’s sight, though he always came immediately when she called for him. In time, she found herself calling on his counsel more and more, and eventually their conversations strayed from his advice on how to protect herself to more casual topics. The discomfort he had initially caused her was replaced with a fondness she had felt for no other in a great while. Soon she found herself telling everything to the man, even her most vulnerable secrets. For some reason she felt as if she could trust him with anything. Perhaps it was the way that his eyes, though so full of Darkness, never held judgment when she spoke of her past flaws. Perhaps it was the way his voice never wavered, the way his calm never faltered even when she lost her temper and threatened him with all manner of horrible fates.
Perhaps it was just because for the first time since her meeting with the creature, she felt as if there was someone on her level she could talk to, who might understand her. Yet while the creature had bonded with her for its own gain, this man seemed to have nothing to gain from her company. He offered himself freely - a sacrifice she could not understand. His generosity seemed so foolish. It frustrated her to no end, yet she could not bring herself to send him away.
One morning Ahktu called to the Seer in pain. The mark was burning especially bad. For the first time she lifted her shirt and showed him the brand. The man’s eyes widened in something that may have been sympathy. “Who forced such a mark upon you?” he asked tenderly. “Who would strike you with such a burden? Perhaps it is those Dark Ones working magics that even I cannot detect…”
“Actually…” Ahktu’s voice lowered in something akin to shame. “Actually, no one forced it upon me. I allowed the creature in the cave to place it there.”
The man tilted his head curiously. “Why would you do that?”
“Because he showed me how to get this power.” Ahktu couldn’t believe that such a thing wouldn’t be obvious, especially to someone as wise as the Seer. “He answered the questions no one else would answer. He showed me how to stop hurting inside, and I let him put this mark on me in return. You never get Something for Nothing. That’s the way of things.”
“It is true the universe runs on a barter system.” the Seer sighed. “But, my Dear, I’m not sure you understand the currency. It is impossible to give Nothing, just as it is impossible to do Nothing or to be Nothing. Everything is Something.”
Something inside of Ahktu’s head seemed to cave in upon these words. They stirred Something so deep within her, but she couldn’t remember… “Why do you talk in songs and riddles so suddenly?” she hissed at him.
The Seer bowed his head. “My apologies.” he said humbly. “But may I ask just one more question, my Lady? Did the Dragon’s mark really take your pain away?”
“Of course it did! I‘ve never been happier!” Ahktu winced, clutching at the mark as she spoke. The Dragon was hissing in her head, demanding that she put the Seer out. He only sought to tear her down with his lies! The mark was burning so badly that she feared it might start sizzling.
“Are you sure? What about the day you met Wander?”
The Seer’s words struck Ahktu so hard that she instantly dropped to her knees. “You…how could you know about that? You can’t possibly…” Her own words grew faint in her head as the memories rushed in like a tidal wave, their roar so loud that the Dragon’s whispers were utterly drowned out. That day, so long ago, when she had left everything behind to climb into a flying chariot and see the worlds beyond her imagination…That moment of childish glee had raised her spirits more than any of the years she had spent in pleasure and luxury as empress.
Tears began to fall from Ahktu’s eyes as she recalled Wander’s face for the first time in years. “That was the grandest day of my life!” she sobbed as the memories of such potent feelings ripped into her like knives. She could still taste the happiness she had held that day on the end of her tongue, knowing that it would never be hers to savor again. “I wanted to travel with Wander forever! How could I forget his face? How did I not notice his absence? Oh, God, I have given up all I hold dear, and for what? To sit in a palace while nameless people grovel before me? They don’t Love me. The Dragon doesn’t Love me. The one who truly cared for me is gone by my own foolishness! I am alone!”
And Ahktu wept bitterly at the trap she had set for herself, falling so easily into the temptation to conform, and then into the temptation of power, thinking that somehow it could block out the pain that she felt. She now realized that the Dark Ones the Seer spoke of were not a faceless unknown enemy, but that which she had brought into herself of her own free will. And she now saw clearly that, in spite of all her riches and glory, she still felt just as empty as she had during that moment when she had lain dying on her own roof on the edge of the universe, ready to be sucked into the Void.
Ahktu fell at the feet of the Seer, unable to even look him in the eye. “I do not deserve your wisdom.” she sobbed. “I do not deserve to look upon you. Can you ever forgive my foolishness?”
The Seer smiled down at her, and a warm, embracing feeling seemed to emanate from his being, as if his essence were reaching down to hold her close. “Without erring, how would we ever learn? It is our falls that inspire us to rise up and move forward, stronger and better than before. My Child, there has never been a moment of your existence when you were not beautiful. You need only to see that beauty for yourself and you will have all the answers that you seek.”
The Seer reached down and helped Ahktu to her feet, and she realized that the mark had stopped burning. In fact, she could no longer see it or feel it at all, nor could she hear the Dragon‘s whispers in her ears. She felt as if she might die of shame, but the Seer’s warm smile and steady gaze gave her the strength to stand and face the path her feet had put her upon.
“I should leave here.” she whispered. “I don’t deserve to rule these people.”
“You do not have to control these people to lead them.” the Seer said softly. “Ahktu, through your journeys you have acquired great wisdom and power. You have walked within the Light and within the Darkness, and you can now gaze upon both with an understanding that so very few manage to attain. This position may have been gained through a Dark means, but the Shadow only serves to define the Light…the True Light that shines down on all things. Long ago your people valued your counsel. Think now of how many more you can help with all the understanding that you have acquired! Do not let guilt and shame devour all the Good that may yet be done.”
“Seer, I do not know what to say.” Ahktu struggled to dry the tears from her eyes, still having a hard time even looking the wise man in the face. “With a few words you have reminded me of who I Am after I was lost for so long. How can I ever repay you?”
“You have already given me more than you will ever know, my Child. As I said to you before, it is impossible to give Nothing. Now dry those tears and do not be heavy in your heart. Rejoice that the dawn is breaking!”
The Seer turned and began to walk toward the door, and somehow Ahktu knew in her heart that she would not see him again…at least not in this form. “I never even asked your name…” she called after his retreating figure.
“My Child, do you not remember?” The Seer smiled, and then he was gone, just as the sun began to rise in the sky. Ahktu searched the palace for him, yet she already knew that he would not be found. Still, his words remained with her, glowing deep within her heart.
After that day Ahktu left the palace and took a home amongst the people, walking among them and doing her best to come to know each of them personally. At first most were suspicious of the sudden change in her demeanor, but her countenance had come to possess a certain radiance, and a light shone from her eyes, even when they were closed. All of the channels the Dragon's icy tendrils had carved through her heart now opened a space for warmth to flow out of- more warmth than she had ever felt before. It did not take long at all for the people to become truly at ease in her presence.
In time. people from all around came to seek Ahktu’s counsel, wanting to hear of her journeys through the Light and the Darkness, and she spoke freely of both. She never turned away those who sought her aid, no matter the state of their heart, for she remembered the amount of humility and bravery it took to seek Truth. She spent many long years serving her people, healing, teaching, learning and seeking. And as time passed and she grew into old age she began to turn ever inward in search of the answers she had sought for so long.
Ahktu had come to realize that Gods and Goddesses, Lights and Voids, Good People and Bad People were not the ones that had the answers to her questions, for the answers were already inside of her, just as the memories of Wander had been within her when she needed them. If one looked hard enough, those answers would radiate out from the self and show up in every aspect of one’s life…one could find lessons in Wanderers or Dragons or even Death itself if they only looked with true Sight. She looked back fondly on all of her teachers, the loneliness in her heart replaced with a Love for everyone she had known along the way.
Finally Ahktu came to the end of her life, and as she lay on her deathbed, surrounded by those who had come to truly Love her, she was calm without a trace of fear in her eyes. As she drew her last breaths her vision dimmed into Light and Void, and she knew in her heart that they were and always had been the very same thing…that All was One. She smiled as her eyes drifted closed, knowing that an old friend would be by to visit her soon to ferry her on another grand adventure
welcome to the happy track. Follow yourself and you'll end up in the place meant for you. It does not make every life event trivial. But it makes them manageable. Choose who you are, I can't stress how important this is. And you've certainly displayed the clarity and intelligence to guarantee a good outcome. It's been a pleasure to read your messages. As it is with everyone here.
