fairyfarmgirl
01-12-2010, 01:15 PM
Indigo and Orange Wings-- Emergence in Full Energy
"I am a winged being of Indigo and Orange. Here I am in my fullness. Present always and seen by few...."
The words spoken from my inner world. A world that is rich and vibrant in its beauty and diversity. A space where the God/Goddess resides within me. I am such a being of Indigo and Orange wings lifting me gently up as I spiral higher and higher into realms that I remember only vaguely and subtly when waking from the soft folds of sleep just before the day dawns.
The quickening in near. I find I am at times a little terrified of where this will all lead. I have questions that lead me to the answers that entail more questions. I am patient.
The emergence of full energy-- my full energy began in my early childhood. As a compassionate soul I loved life and could hardly wait to be born. It took my parent's ten years to get it right so that a body could house me. They were from New Jersey. They are unaware of this and begrudge the fact it took so long for them to have their one and only child by blood.
The time was ripe for my conception while my father was in between jobs. He has never forgiven me for being conceived when they did not have any money. This lead to him to be very angry all the time at me. I was an easy target always compassionate, always trying to assist-- always getting in the way of their conflict.
They did not want me. I represented all that was not right in their world. I am full of LIGHT and my BRIGHTNESS made them want to hide. They were not ready for me even though they wished and prayed for me and hearing their call I responded. It has taken me a lifetime to make peace with their shortcomings. I now see the Goddess in the mirror that shines back at me. It is my face.
I was a demanding child. I liked what I liked and screeched when I did not like something. I was sensitive and cried and screamed when others were mean and angry toward each other. The squeaky wheel does not always get the oil-- sometimes they try to destroy it.
My mother believed in leaving babies for hours to cry it out. The dog would stand at the crib and lick my face. I was cold and hungry and sad and lonely. The dog would snuffle my ear through the crib bars and finally decide to intervene. She would run down the stairs bark once at my mother and run back up to me and lick my face. I was her pup. She was most distressed. Her name was Lady. She is my first mother.
After many tries at communicating with my human mother, Lady would finally initiate a response. My human mother would come to my room. She would finally pick me up. She would finally feed me. She would finally cuddle me. Lady would curl up at her feet. Resonating a calm energy. It is all okay now.
My mother was preoccupied with the babies she did not have. The miscarriages she had had. The failed adoptions that they were denied. The mothers that changed their minds. The social workers that changed their minds. This was her obsession. The fact that I was in her arms filled her with despair for what she had thought she had lost.
I grew and learned and adapted. I learned how to escape the crib. I learned how to escape the play pen. The guides taught me to climb. I was like a little goat. Sure footed and fearless.
My mother and father decided that enough was enough. I must be taught to be afraid. I was two. They told me not to climb. I climbed anyway. They got the belt. It hurt. I cried. Lady got between them and me so they beat her instead of me.
I experimented with flying. To my amazement I fell with a thud. Lucky for me my launching point was from the top of the four foot playground slide. I am three.
One day my father brings home a red contraption. He proudly tells me it is a tricycle. I am intrigued by this new toy. I sit where he points. I put my feet where the pedals are. He demonstrates how to make it go. I take off around the path in the yard.
Soon, I am an expert tricycle rider. I have a lot of energy and am able to make it go very very fast. One day, I am going so fast that I am not able to stop. I hit the rocks that mark the end of the path. I am thrown head over heals off the bike. I hit me head very hard. Everything goes black.
Then there is a bright bright light. I walk toward it. I hear someone yelling but pay no mind. I like the light. I hope my spirit friends will be there to play with me. My really tall spirit friend takes me by the hand and gently turns me around. I am going the wrong way.
I awaken to my mother wailing beside me. I have been unconscious for ten minutes. My father comes home and takes me into his arms. Then I hear the car door slam. Where am I? I am confused.
More bright lights but no warmth here. People asking me all kinds of questions. I just want to sleep. I am tired. I begin to cry. The nurse wipes my tears. They decide I will be okay. Back to the house we go.
It is after this head injury that I begin to really see all kinds of things. I see dead people. I see energy. I see the nature spirits. My inner world and outer world grows richer and more complex.
I heal Lady of her pain with my hands and love from my heart. She is an old dog now. And to my grief all the healing could not prolong her life... an old dog has a time and place to be. I learn there is no shame in dying.
In the spring of 1976, a joyous occasion for me. My parents adopt a baby boy. He is my brother. I love him at first sight and care and protect him for all of his childhood. We develop our own language. It is spoken in our minds. I know what he is saying. He knows what I am saying. To protect him I translate into spoken word. I have learned not to show too much to the parents. They do not understand.
My brother is 4 before he speaks. When he speaks it is in perfect English in complete sentences. He speaks infrequently. He too has learned not reveal too much. His gift is Charm and Charisma. He can get anyone to do anything for him. I am filled with jealousy. Why do they do such nice things for him and not me? Why do they like him better?
As an adult I now feel only compassion for my brother. He turned from his gifts and closed his heart. He is lost. I pray for him every day. He has chosen the road of the Ego.
Things are going well for my parents at this time. So, they decide to move to Maine. They buy an uninsulated falling down old farm house in the most backward town in the state. In the first year of living there so many bad things happen to us.
In school it is not much better. I am six now and in the first grade. I am the first kid ever to be from "away." How little they knew. They thought away was not from the state of Maine. I knew where away really was it was way way up in the sky where the stars live.
I was teased without mercy. Being sensitive only encouraged them. They enjoyed the sport of it all. They also enjoyed tormenting the one retarded child. I stood up for her all 30lbs of me. They backed down but not without making sure they would get me back. How dare I stand tall when I was from "away."
The teachers told everyone that why I was in a lower reading group was because I talked funny because I was from "away."
When I am seven my father goes back to New Jersey. He has left my mother. He misses the city and his friends. He misses New Jersey. He misses having money. There is no work in Maine. It is 1979.
He sends up money by mail. We are able to keep fed but it is a very cold winter in the new house. My mother hurts her back while hauling wood. I take away the pain with my hands and heal the injury. Her back starts to feel warm. Then she feels tingly. Then the pain goes away. Then she is afraid and yells at me.
Why are they always screaming and yelling at me? I stand up tall in my truth. I demand to be treated with respect. They beat me down with their hands and their words.
I am fearless. I keep attempting to be heard. It is very challenging. At times I just wanted to give up and go home. I think about dying. I think I have no purpose. My gifts are useless. No one wants them. I am full of grief.
At twelve I am accosted by a boy my age while walking home from school. I fight him. I nail him side the head with a stout stick. The other kids stand by and watch and cheer him on.
He is knocked senseless by the stout stick and I run home. My mother calls the state troopers. They come and take my statement. I cry and can not stop crying. My mother tells me to stop it! I cry more.
The state troopers go and talk to the boy's parents and the boy. They all decide that the busing route needs to be changed. 5 miles is too far for girls to be walking home unattended.
I still ride the bus with the boy. I try to make myself small. I want to be invisible like my spirit friends. I wish I am dead. I do not know how to help myself. I try to be like Jesus and turn the other cheek. I try to practice the Love of Jesus. I am afraid I do not know how to forgive this.
This boy grows up to be a wife beater and rapist. He currently is in jail. I have learned to forgive him.
Finally I am 18. It is 1990. The magic age that frees me of this world. I pack up and head to college. I try not to look back.
I have no support network. I try to create one of friends but lack the social skills and the trust to attract the right people. I begin to think I have no luck. Everywhere I go the people say one thing but mean another. I am disheartened by all the dishonesty and closed heartedness. I thought when I got to college things would be different but they are the same.
I major in history. I want to know where we all went wrong. I graduate from College in 1995.
I begin to more fully come into my power. I have my first kundalini experience. I have no frame of reference. It takes 5 years for my questions to begin to have answers.
I begin to learn about the Goddess and godesses. I meet up with a group of pagans and wiccans. They are accepting of me but still a little guarded. They are afraid of all that I can see. They are very angry women. They talk of hurting men as they had been hurt. I tell them that only by forgiving will they be free. I tell them that LOVE is the truth. They kick me out of their group. I consider myself lucky to be rejected by them now.
By the time I graduate from College I am a full seeing and hearing intuitive. I am at a loss as to what to do with all this information and impressions. I enter into a deep depression. I decide that I will live life fully without thinking about how it will affect someone else. I enter my roaring twenties.
Some people drown their sorrows with booze or drugs. I drowned mine with energy-- sexual energy.
I am still depressed. I blame my boyfriend and break up with him. I blame my past. I blame the Universe. I yell at my spirit friends. I am enraged. I slash at myself with negativity. I nearly collide with rock bottom. I am scared. I call out to my spirit friends. They suggest I go to a book store. I do. A book falls on me. It is by the Dali Lama. I buy the book. While I am at the book store I see a flier for a metaphysical book store that has psychic healers. I feel compelled to go right then. It is 1996.
I walk into the metaphysical store and feel as if I have found a home. I sit and read all day long. I begin to learn I am not alone in my experience. I start to feel lighter. But my depression has now become a habit. It is stuck in my energy. The store attendant suggests I see the psychic that is giving readings. I look in my wallet and have enough. I wait for my turn.
This is when I meet my mentor. A wonderful man who has assisted me in learning to use my gifts. He is capable of doing many many things. He sees me and says Welcome HOME. I am elated. Together we banish the negative thought forms through energy work, diet, meditation, Tarot, Channeling, ritual and use of crystals and stones, aromatherapy, plant spirits and the ET helpers and guides, the Archangels, the DEVAS and FAIRIES. He assists me in opening my heart and second chakra. He teaches me to use what works for me. He impresses upon me the necessity that my beliefs be flexible. He shows me the way. I begin to walk my path in late 1996.
I move into an apartment with a roommate I met through an ad. Everything is great for about two months. Then she wants me to move out. She says I am too weird to live with. I begin to couch surf. I move from couch to couch, apartment to apartment, acquaintance to acquaintance.
Finally I meet up with an old college friend. She needs a roommate. I need a room. I move in. We get along wonderfully. Then she gets a boyfriend. The boyfriend does not like me. He says I am dangerous and weird. He calls me a rogue. He wants me gone. She moves in with him. I move in with a guy that wants to be my boyfriend. I live with him for 3 years. Then as quickly as it began it ends. I move into my own apartment. Everything is going well. Then, I meet a man and we have an ecstatic mini relationship. The relationship moves into friendship. I lose my job. I lose my apartment. I lose my mind. I am really out of my mind at this time. I am 29 and homeless.
In the spring of 1999, I move to a campground and live in a tent. I meet my son's father. I heal his body. People keep coming to my tent for their illness. I heal them. They go on their way. I remain homeless.
My son's father and I decide to travel and work. It is wonderful in the beginning. Six months later he hits me for the first time. His masters return and cord to him while I am unable to help. The pregnancy takes too much energy from me. I can only take the blows. I am pregnant at the age of 29. It is the year 2000. I am homeless and disenfranchised.
Through it all I continue to be multidimensional. I continue to learn from the Arcturians. I meet many wonderful people and have great experiences with the natural world as I traveled throughout the USA.
In the spring of 2001, In Missouri, we stop traveling for a few weeks. There is a tornado. I am struck by lightening and am in a tornado. I am unharmed by both. I am left very very strange though. It is as if I am here and somewhere else at the same time. For several months after the lightening everything I touch I ground out to. I see little blue sparks arc from my finger tips. I am at ease with it all. I know that somehow this is all part of a greater plan.
I manage to convince my son's father it would be our best interest to return to Maine. Here, I understand the laws and my rights... there are people I feel will help me. He knows nothing of this and so we do and my beautiful beacon of Light, my first child is born in June of 2001. I am 30 years old. This child is a blessing. He saves my life. He inspires me to live by allowing me to protect him from abuse. I leave this man that hits me. I pray to the all the powers I know within and throughout that he continue on his journey away from me and my son. He goes away. Never heard from him again. Thank you God and Goddess I am so happy and grateful to be alive.
I am 31 and I begin actively learning and working with my mentor from my twenties. We meet regularly and he channels the Pleiadians and Angels so they can teach me. I begin to become activated. I feel different. This is my first experience with the quickening of the ascension energies. I begin then to work directly with the Arcturians and Pleiadians and the Archangels. They teach me to heal myself. To connect with the higher realms. I read books. I meet Peace Pilgrim and feel a kinship with her nourishing and beautiful spirit. I am inspired to read the book of all her speeches and writing. I am inspired.
I am given an opportunity to live in a transitional program for survivors of domestic violence. It is here that I live for two years and receive lots of earth based assistance in overcoming some of my childhood issues. I finally begin to learn to blend in. The other residents think I am peculier. They continually tell the advocates that I am crazy... some move out because they are afraid of me. I am sad. I only wish to help... to shine my light. They do not want my light. I learn that not all people want to change... sometimes they want it all to stay the same... I learn life is a choice making endeavor... I begin to understand the Law of Attraction by observing all that is around me and also by observing myself. I learn to completely melt into the background. Sometimes, no one can see me and walk by me... and then something makes them turn around... and there I am. They are very freaked out by this. The only person who is not freaked out is my counselor. She says that my story flows through her. She understands me and begins to teach me to speak without so much metaphor... She says that the metaphorical speaking that I do frightens people because they do not understand. I ask her if I am crazy... and she says no... I am just learning to blend in. She works with me for 6 months and then one day the program just fires her... she calls me to let me know she will be unable to work with me any more. I am sad. I am told I need to find a new place to live. My time is up at the program. I try to find a new place to live. It is challenging. Finally there is a subsidized apartment a long way from where I had hoped to live that is available. I move with my son and our few things. I move into my apartment. Two days later the police show up... they take away my neighbor... then the two other apartments are emptied of people due to illicit activity... and I am left alone in one wing of the apartment complex--- It takes the apartment complex 8 months to find people that are willing to move into the apartments surrounding me. I feel isolated... and then I learn to consider this a gift. Other people move in. I feel contracted... my son cries all the time... I lose my job again... and we move in with a friend and her family. They like me. We stay for awhile. I get a new job. We move into an apartment. Things go good for awhile, then I lose my job and I we move again... this time I have no other options but to move home. It is challenging to live with the parents' again. I do my best to respect their choices. They do not return the favor. I get a new job. It is challenging to work there... no one wants to sit next to me because their computers stop working and their cell phones have no reception... Everyone thinks there is something weird about me and shun me... It is challenging. The job pays well. I save money. I decide that I wish to move to CA with my son in early 2006. My parents try to take my son--- they confuse his mind by telling him that they are his parents and I am just visiting. My son is so confused. We give all of our stuff away and leave... We move to CA. It does not go to well. CA really is very different from Maine... and so we move back to Maine and stay with a friend for awhile. It is here that I am at my lowest. I feel I have failed at being a human. I am unable to balance work, single motherhood, multidimensionality. I begin to crash. I call out for help to all Beings that I know. I choose.
I fall asleep with my son in my arms as I am wiping our tears. I am awakened by a phone call from an acquaintance. She asks if my car is working. I tell her that it is not--- I have no money to fix it. She says that it is no problem. She knows someone who can help me. She asks if she can give him the phone number of the place I am staying at... I say sure. Three days later, my friend's friend shows up. He fixes my car--- he lets me know the car is dying a slow death but it will last a few more months. He shows me the problem with the car. It is cooling system. I look at the mess of this contraption and am happy for someone to interpret it for me. We look at each other and something is recognized in a deep deep place within us. There is an energy that develops-- We both see and feel it and my son points at it.. saying "What is that!" He is a bit freaked out. We feel like we know each other... I am scared that I am making another error... but feel compelled to talk with him.
I discover that while in CA I had become pregnant... The friend I am living with asks us to leave. She thinks that I let out her cats in the middle of the night. A year later she calls me to let me know she is sorry--- it was her daughter's friend that was letting the cats out while she snuck out of the house to meet with her boyfriends in the middle of the night. So my son and I have no place to live. I call the homeless shelter. No space. I apply for housing. No apartments available. My friend tells me we can stay in our car in her driveway but she has to watch out for her cats so we can not live in the house. It is a strange situation even for me.
My new friend offers to let me stay with him. He gives my son and I his room and sleeps on the couch. We stay with him for a month. Then an apartment comes through for us. He helps us move.
I am alone now. All my friends have become distant from me. I talk about needing a birth partner. I really was speaking about a woman as my birth partner. He volunteers. He learns to be a doula. He protects and creates space around me. I feel supported as a Being for the first time in my life. We celebrate the New Year together! We toast our cider to the new year of 2007.
He begins to help me with my son. Then it becomes clear that I am not able to do much while pregnant with twins. So he moves in and helps. Birth partnerships are very intimate much sharing occurs. We decide we love each other. My son decides he loves this man as a father figure. So we marry. In the winter of 2007 of I birth my twins naturally with my husband acting as my doula. It is an incredible experience of Love. Now we are raising my children together and have a good life.
The rest is more current history and it is a good one. I am walking my path so others will have an easier time. I am here for a purpose. I have a mission. I am working on making it happen one step at a time. I am holding the door open.
fairyfarmgirl
"I am a winged being of Indigo and Orange. Here I am in my fullness. Present always and seen by few...."
The words spoken from my inner world. A world that is rich and vibrant in its beauty and diversity. A space where the God/Goddess resides within me. I am such a being of Indigo and Orange wings lifting me gently up as I spiral higher and higher into realms that I remember only vaguely and subtly when waking from the soft folds of sleep just before the day dawns.
The quickening in near. I find I am at times a little terrified of where this will all lead. I have questions that lead me to the answers that entail more questions. I am patient.
The emergence of full energy-- my full energy began in my early childhood. As a compassionate soul I loved life and could hardly wait to be born. It took my parent's ten years to get it right so that a body could house me. They were from New Jersey. They are unaware of this and begrudge the fact it took so long for them to have their one and only child by blood.
The time was ripe for my conception while my father was in between jobs. He has never forgiven me for being conceived when they did not have any money. This lead to him to be very angry all the time at me. I was an easy target always compassionate, always trying to assist-- always getting in the way of their conflict.
They did not want me. I represented all that was not right in their world. I am full of LIGHT and my BRIGHTNESS made them want to hide. They were not ready for me even though they wished and prayed for me and hearing their call I responded. It has taken me a lifetime to make peace with their shortcomings. I now see the Goddess in the mirror that shines back at me. It is my face.
I was a demanding child. I liked what I liked and screeched when I did not like something. I was sensitive and cried and screamed when others were mean and angry toward each other. The squeaky wheel does not always get the oil-- sometimes they try to destroy it.
My mother believed in leaving babies for hours to cry it out. The dog would stand at the crib and lick my face. I was cold and hungry and sad and lonely. The dog would snuffle my ear through the crib bars and finally decide to intervene. She would run down the stairs bark once at my mother and run back up to me and lick my face. I was her pup. She was most distressed. Her name was Lady. She is my first mother.
After many tries at communicating with my human mother, Lady would finally initiate a response. My human mother would come to my room. She would finally pick me up. She would finally feed me. She would finally cuddle me. Lady would curl up at her feet. Resonating a calm energy. It is all okay now.
My mother was preoccupied with the babies she did not have. The miscarriages she had had. The failed adoptions that they were denied. The mothers that changed their minds. The social workers that changed their minds. This was her obsession. The fact that I was in her arms filled her with despair for what she had thought she had lost.
I grew and learned and adapted. I learned how to escape the crib. I learned how to escape the play pen. The guides taught me to climb. I was like a little goat. Sure footed and fearless.
My mother and father decided that enough was enough. I must be taught to be afraid. I was two. They told me not to climb. I climbed anyway. They got the belt. It hurt. I cried. Lady got between them and me so they beat her instead of me.
I experimented with flying. To my amazement I fell with a thud. Lucky for me my launching point was from the top of the four foot playground slide. I am three.
One day my father brings home a red contraption. He proudly tells me it is a tricycle. I am intrigued by this new toy. I sit where he points. I put my feet where the pedals are. He demonstrates how to make it go. I take off around the path in the yard.
Soon, I am an expert tricycle rider. I have a lot of energy and am able to make it go very very fast. One day, I am going so fast that I am not able to stop. I hit the rocks that mark the end of the path. I am thrown head over heals off the bike. I hit me head very hard. Everything goes black.
Then there is a bright bright light. I walk toward it. I hear someone yelling but pay no mind. I like the light. I hope my spirit friends will be there to play with me. My really tall spirit friend takes me by the hand and gently turns me around. I am going the wrong way.
I awaken to my mother wailing beside me. I have been unconscious for ten minutes. My father comes home and takes me into his arms. Then I hear the car door slam. Where am I? I am confused.
More bright lights but no warmth here. People asking me all kinds of questions. I just want to sleep. I am tired. I begin to cry. The nurse wipes my tears. They decide I will be okay. Back to the house we go.
It is after this head injury that I begin to really see all kinds of things. I see dead people. I see energy. I see the nature spirits. My inner world and outer world grows richer and more complex.
I heal Lady of her pain with my hands and love from my heart. She is an old dog now. And to my grief all the healing could not prolong her life... an old dog has a time and place to be. I learn there is no shame in dying.
In the spring of 1976, a joyous occasion for me. My parents adopt a baby boy. He is my brother. I love him at first sight and care and protect him for all of his childhood. We develop our own language. It is spoken in our minds. I know what he is saying. He knows what I am saying. To protect him I translate into spoken word. I have learned not to show too much to the parents. They do not understand.
My brother is 4 before he speaks. When he speaks it is in perfect English in complete sentences. He speaks infrequently. He too has learned not reveal too much. His gift is Charm and Charisma. He can get anyone to do anything for him. I am filled with jealousy. Why do they do such nice things for him and not me? Why do they like him better?
As an adult I now feel only compassion for my brother. He turned from his gifts and closed his heart. He is lost. I pray for him every day. He has chosen the road of the Ego.
Things are going well for my parents at this time. So, they decide to move to Maine. They buy an uninsulated falling down old farm house in the most backward town in the state. In the first year of living there so many bad things happen to us.
In school it is not much better. I am six now and in the first grade. I am the first kid ever to be from "away." How little they knew. They thought away was not from the state of Maine. I knew where away really was it was way way up in the sky where the stars live.
I was teased without mercy. Being sensitive only encouraged them. They enjoyed the sport of it all. They also enjoyed tormenting the one retarded child. I stood up for her all 30lbs of me. They backed down but not without making sure they would get me back. How dare I stand tall when I was from "away."
The teachers told everyone that why I was in a lower reading group was because I talked funny because I was from "away."
When I am seven my father goes back to New Jersey. He has left my mother. He misses the city and his friends. He misses New Jersey. He misses having money. There is no work in Maine. It is 1979.
He sends up money by mail. We are able to keep fed but it is a very cold winter in the new house. My mother hurts her back while hauling wood. I take away the pain with my hands and heal the injury. Her back starts to feel warm. Then she feels tingly. Then the pain goes away. Then she is afraid and yells at me.
Why are they always screaming and yelling at me? I stand up tall in my truth. I demand to be treated with respect. They beat me down with their hands and their words.
I am fearless. I keep attempting to be heard. It is very challenging. At times I just wanted to give up and go home. I think about dying. I think I have no purpose. My gifts are useless. No one wants them. I am full of grief.
At twelve I am accosted by a boy my age while walking home from school. I fight him. I nail him side the head with a stout stick. The other kids stand by and watch and cheer him on.
He is knocked senseless by the stout stick and I run home. My mother calls the state troopers. They come and take my statement. I cry and can not stop crying. My mother tells me to stop it! I cry more.
The state troopers go and talk to the boy's parents and the boy. They all decide that the busing route needs to be changed. 5 miles is too far for girls to be walking home unattended.
I still ride the bus with the boy. I try to make myself small. I want to be invisible like my spirit friends. I wish I am dead. I do not know how to help myself. I try to be like Jesus and turn the other cheek. I try to practice the Love of Jesus. I am afraid I do not know how to forgive this.
This boy grows up to be a wife beater and rapist. He currently is in jail. I have learned to forgive him.
Finally I am 18. It is 1990. The magic age that frees me of this world. I pack up and head to college. I try not to look back.
I have no support network. I try to create one of friends but lack the social skills and the trust to attract the right people. I begin to think I have no luck. Everywhere I go the people say one thing but mean another. I am disheartened by all the dishonesty and closed heartedness. I thought when I got to college things would be different but they are the same.
I major in history. I want to know where we all went wrong. I graduate from College in 1995.
I begin to more fully come into my power. I have my first kundalini experience. I have no frame of reference. It takes 5 years for my questions to begin to have answers.
I begin to learn about the Goddess and godesses. I meet up with a group of pagans and wiccans. They are accepting of me but still a little guarded. They are afraid of all that I can see. They are very angry women. They talk of hurting men as they had been hurt. I tell them that only by forgiving will they be free. I tell them that LOVE is the truth. They kick me out of their group. I consider myself lucky to be rejected by them now.
By the time I graduate from College I am a full seeing and hearing intuitive. I am at a loss as to what to do with all this information and impressions. I enter into a deep depression. I decide that I will live life fully without thinking about how it will affect someone else. I enter my roaring twenties.
Some people drown their sorrows with booze or drugs. I drowned mine with energy-- sexual energy.
I am still depressed. I blame my boyfriend and break up with him. I blame my past. I blame the Universe. I yell at my spirit friends. I am enraged. I slash at myself with negativity. I nearly collide with rock bottom. I am scared. I call out to my spirit friends. They suggest I go to a book store. I do. A book falls on me. It is by the Dali Lama. I buy the book. While I am at the book store I see a flier for a metaphysical book store that has psychic healers. I feel compelled to go right then. It is 1996.
I walk into the metaphysical store and feel as if I have found a home. I sit and read all day long. I begin to learn I am not alone in my experience. I start to feel lighter. But my depression has now become a habit. It is stuck in my energy. The store attendant suggests I see the psychic that is giving readings. I look in my wallet and have enough. I wait for my turn.
This is when I meet my mentor. A wonderful man who has assisted me in learning to use my gifts. He is capable of doing many many things. He sees me and says Welcome HOME. I am elated. Together we banish the negative thought forms through energy work, diet, meditation, Tarot, Channeling, ritual and use of crystals and stones, aromatherapy, plant spirits and the ET helpers and guides, the Archangels, the DEVAS and FAIRIES. He assists me in opening my heart and second chakra. He teaches me to use what works for me. He impresses upon me the necessity that my beliefs be flexible. He shows me the way. I begin to walk my path in late 1996.
I move into an apartment with a roommate I met through an ad. Everything is great for about two months. Then she wants me to move out. She says I am too weird to live with. I begin to couch surf. I move from couch to couch, apartment to apartment, acquaintance to acquaintance.
Finally I meet up with an old college friend. She needs a roommate. I need a room. I move in. We get along wonderfully. Then she gets a boyfriend. The boyfriend does not like me. He says I am dangerous and weird. He calls me a rogue. He wants me gone. She moves in with him. I move in with a guy that wants to be my boyfriend. I live with him for 3 years. Then as quickly as it began it ends. I move into my own apartment. Everything is going well. Then, I meet a man and we have an ecstatic mini relationship. The relationship moves into friendship. I lose my job. I lose my apartment. I lose my mind. I am really out of my mind at this time. I am 29 and homeless.
In the spring of 1999, I move to a campground and live in a tent. I meet my son's father. I heal his body. People keep coming to my tent for their illness. I heal them. They go on their way. I remain homeless.
My son's father and I decide to travel and work. It is wonderful in the beginning. Six months later he hits me for the first time. His masters return and cord to him while I am unable to help. The pregnancy takes too much energy from me. I can only take the blows. I am pregnant at the age of 29. It is the year 2000. I am homeless and disenfranchised.
Through it all I continue to be multidimensional. I continue to learn from the Arcturians. I meet many wonderful people and have great experiences with the natural world as I traveled throughout the USA.
In the spring of 2001, In Missouri, we stop traveling for a few weeks. There is a tornado. I am struck by lightening and am in a tornado. I am unharmed by both. I am left very very strange though. It is as if I am here and somewhere else at the same time. For several months after the lightening everything I touch I ground out to. I see little blue sparks arc from my finger tips. I am at ease with it all. I know that somehow this is all part of a greater plan.
I manage to convince my son's father it would be our best interest to return to Maine. Here, I understand the laws and my rights... there are people I feel will help me. He knows nothing of this and so we do and my beautiful beacon of Light, my first child is born in June of 2001. I am 30 years old. This child is a blessing. He saves my life. He inspires me to live by allowing me to protect him from abuse. I leave this man that hits me. I pray to the all the powers I know within and throughout that he continue on his journey away from me and my son. He goes away. Never heard from him again. Thank you God and Goddess I am so happy and grateful to be alive.
I am 31 and I begin actively learning and working with my mentor from my twenties. We meet regularly and he channels the Pleiadians and Angels so they can teach me. I begin to become activated. I feel different. This is my first experience with the quickening of the ascension energies. I begin then to work directly with the Arcturians and Pleiadians and the Archangels. They teach me to heal myself. To connect with the higher realms. I read books. I meet Peace Pilgrim and feel a kinship with her nourishing and beautiful spirit. I am inspired to read the book of all her speeches and writing. I am inspired.
I am given an opportunity to live in a transitional program for survivors of domestic violence. It is here that I live for two years and receive lots of earth based assistance in overcoming some of my childhood issues. I finally begin to learn to blend in. The other residents think I am peculier. They continually tell the advocates that I am crazy... some move out because they are afraid of me. I am sad. I only wish to help... to shine my light. They do not want my light. I learn that not all people want to change... sometimes they want it all to stay the same... I learn life is a choice making endeavor... I begin to understand the Law of Attraction by observing all that is around me and also by observing myself. I learn to completely melt into the background. Sometimes, no one can see me and walk by me... and then something makes them turn around... and there I am. They are very freaked out by this. The only person who is not freaked out is my counselor. She says that my story flows through her. She understands me and begins to teach me to speak without so much metaphor... She says that the metaphorical speaking that I do frightens people because they do not understand. I ask her if I am crazy... and she says no... I am just learning to blend in. She works with me for 6 months and then one day the program just fires her... she calls me to let me know she will be unable to work with me any more. I am sad. I am told I need to find a new place to live. My time is up at the program. I try to find a new place to live. It is challenging. Finally there is a subsidized apartment a long way from where I had hoped to live that is available. I move with my son and our few things. I move into my apartment. Two days later the police show up... they take away my neighbor... then the two other apartments are emptied of people due to illicit activity... and I am left alone in one wing of the apartment complex--- It takes the apartment complex 8 months to find people that are willing to move into the apartments surrounding me. I feel isolated... and then I learn to consider this a gift. Other people move in. I feel contracted... my son cries all the time... I lose my job again... and we move in with a friend and her family. They like me. We stay for awhile. I get a new job. We move into an apartment. Things go good for awhile, then I lose my job and I we move again... this time I have no other options but to move home. It is challenging to live with the parents' again. I do my best to respect their choices. They do not return the favor. I get a new job. It is challenging to work there... no one wants to sit next to me because their computers stop working and their cell phones have no reception... Everyone thinks there is something weird about me and shun me... It is challenging. The job pays well. I save money. I decide that I wish to move to CA with my son in early 2006. My parents try to take my son--- they confuse his mind by telling him that they are his parents and I am just visiting. My son is so confused. We give all of our stuff away and leave... We move to CA. It does not go to well. CA really is very different from Maine... and so we move back to Maine and stay with a friend for awhile. It is here that I am at my lowest. I feel I have failed at being a human. I am unable to balance work, single motherhood, multidimensionality. I begin to crash. I call out for help to all Beings that I know. I choose.
I fall asleep with my son in my arms as I am wiping our tears. I am awakened by a phone call from an acquaintance. She asks if my car is working. I tell her that it is not--- I have no money to fix it. She says that it is no problem. She knows someone who can help me. She asks if she can give him the phone number of the place I am staying at... I say sure. Three days later, my friend's friend shows up. He fixes my car--- he lets me know the car is dying a slow death but it will last a few more months. He shows me the problem with the car. It is cooling system. I look at the mess of this contraption and am happy for someone to interpret it for me. We look at each other and something is recognized in a deep deep place within us. There is an energy that develops-- We both see and feel it and my son points at it.. saying "What is that!" He is a bit freaked out. We feel like we know each other... I am scared that I am making another error... but feel compelled to talk with him.
I discover that while in CA I had become pregnant... The friend I am living with asks us to leave. She thinks that I let out her cats in the middle of the night. A year later she calls me to let me know she is sorry--- it was her daughter's friend that was letting the cats out while she snuck out of the house to meet with her boyfriends in the middle of the night. So my son and I have no place to live. I call the homeless shelter. No space. I apply for housing. No apartments available. My friend tells me we can stay in our car in her driveway but she has to watch out for her cats so we can not live in the house. It is a strange situation even for me.
My new friend offers to let me stay with him. He gives my son and I his room and sleeps on the couch. We stay with him for a month. Then an apartment comes through for us. He helps us move.
I am alone now. All my friends have become distant from me. I talk about needing a birth partner. I really was speaking about a woman as my birth partner. He volunteers. He learns to be a doula. He protects and creates space around me. I feel supported as a Being for the first time in my life. We celebrate the New Year together! We toast our cider to the new year of 2007.
He begins to help me with my son. Then it becomes clear that I am not able to do much while pregnant with twins. So he moves in and helps. Birth partnerships are very intimate much sharing occurs. We decide we love each other. My son decides he loves this man as a father figure. So we marry. In the winter of 2007 of I birth my twins naturally with my husband acting as my doula. It is an incredible experience of Love. Now we are raising my children together and have a good life.
The rest is more current history and it is a good one. I am walking my path so others will have an easier time. I am here for a purpose. I have a mission. I am working on making it happen one step at a time. I am holding the door open.
fairyfarmgirl
Every interaction is significant...From one who has seen so little to one who has been through so much, I'm doubtful that there is much I can offer you besides the spirit gifts of love and compassion.
We others who realize we're on the path are here with open hearts to share and play. Together, we realize that it's not so bad today. The world may feel gloomy, but there's no clouds on the horizon! It's blue and bright!