Bring4th

During/shortly after homecoming I encountered a catalyst that allowed me to finally release a huge weight I've been carrying with me for most, if not all, of my life. After this initial release I experienced several very strong activations over the course of the next couple weeks, and I feel I at least briefly and partially succeeded in penetrating the gateway to intelligent infinity.

The experiences I have had in this short time have been so profound that they have permanently altered the way I think and feel. One of the more noticeable examples of this is that I am suddenly able to understand advanced mathematical and scientific principles after a lifetime of possessing something of a learning disability in those areas (being confounded by even basic algebra). Another physical example is that the lines on my palm very quickly rearranged themselves into a rare and novel configuration, as if to simply confirm that yes, stuff is happening. Beyond such obvious, overt changes, there are many, many more subtle shifts that have been slowly transforming my life from the inside out.

To encounter this level of transformation has brought me great joy. So much of this stuff I've been working with for years, and to feel several major blockages finally release left me giddy for many days. However, I've also realized that, upon gaining a new state of awareness, the challenges of my third density experience have greatly increased as well. I find myself in the position of choosing all of the catalyst that I experience, to the point that stray thoughts and careless actions suddenly have dire and profound impact. Output follows input immediately, and often in the most ruthless of fashions. A few moments of pessimistic thinking can cause the crap to start hitting the fan in an alarming way.

Beyond this, the experience in itself has become more tiring. After every major experience, descending back to my more regular level of consciousness has made me aware of how heavy my body is, and how archaic the system that runs this planet's collective consciousness is. I can also see why Ra talked about the risk of the personality being destroyed if one activates the higher energy centers without really being ready for it. I'm having to put serious consideration into what defines "Brittany", and which traits I want to use to interact with others, because at the moment what I previously thought of as my personality now feels like a set of clothes that is too tight, and I'm not sure what would happen if I just exploded out of those clothes. I'm acutely aware of the quirks and biases that define my behavior, and they're more like lines of code now, that can easily be rewritten if the situation calls for it. They are a part of me, but do not necessarily define who I am. My whole concept of what "me" entails has dramatically changed. In some ways it is quite confusing.

At the moment it feels like everything in my life has been turned into one massive challenge- the chance to apply all of this new learning, because the stress in my life has increased tenfold. I realize my own part in creating this stress, and my part in creating an alternative, less stressful reality for myself. However, completely applying this knowledge and dropping my old habits of worrying and engaging in pessimistic, victimizing behavior has been a serious challenge. Having the knowledge and applying it and taking responsibility for it are two entirely different things. Today I found myself getting really, really worked up over financial matters. I honestly don't know how we are going to pay the bills this month, and I found myself entering that familiar downward spiral, even though I've just witnessed realities that make me realize how utterly trivial such things are.

So I stand in front of this challenge, and I'm doing the best I can to meet and exceed it. I know the money will come from somewhere, and that there are easy solutions to the other stressors in my life as well, so long as I'm willing to follow the pulse of infinite peace within myself. Still, wow. I never even realized how complex just the act of living could be.

I'm not trying to preach here, or to put myself above anyone else. Heck, more than anything these experiences have taught me that there's still a ton I don't understand, and that I have a crapload of work left to do. I can see my own system clearly with ease now...but that doesn't mean it's a clean system. Having all your sludge shoved directly into your line of vision is a sobering experience. Still, I'm extremely grateful for the honor/duty of this learning experience. This incarnation has been an utter privilege and joy, though I've spent half of it in a suicidal state of existence. :p I just hope sharing a little of it might help someone else as much as the expression helps me.

I guess the largest lesson here for me has been using discernment in the things I wish for. I wanted to see more and know more, and I was given exactly what I asked for, and it certainly hasn't given me a ticket to easy street so far. It's a glorious adventure, but I've realized that once you put on your backpack and step into that great unknown, there is no going back. I look forward to what I will find.

*edited for typo

I've climbed a peak similar to what you describe, but saw a seemingly larger one in the horizon. To get there, I had to descend into the valley, and on the way down I lost my footing. :p

L/L

(09-16-2013, 10:49 PM)Brittany Wrote: [ -> ]At the moment it feels like everything in my life has been turned into one massive challenge- the chance to apply all of this new learning, because the stress in my life has increased tenfold. I realize my own part in creating this stress, and my part in creating an alternative, less stressful reality for myself. However, completely applying this knowledge and dropping my old habits of worrying and engaging in pessimistic, victimizing behavior has been a serious challenge. Having the knowledge and applying it and taking responsibility for it are two entirely different things.

...

I'm not trying to preach here, or to put myself above anyone else. Heck, more than anything these experiences have taught me that there's still a ton I don't understand, and that I have a crapload of work left to do. I can see my own system clearly with ease now...but that doesn't mean it's a clean system. Having all your sludge shoved directly into your line of vision is a sobering experience. Still, I'm extremely grateful for the honor/duty of this learning experience. This incarnation has been an utter privilege and joy, though I've spent half of it in a suicidal state of existence. :p I just hope sharing a little of it might help someone else as much as the expression helps me.

yeah Brit, its great to have those 'peak experiences', the one's that allow you to pop your head above the clouds, and to see how truly beautiful the planet is (this shared experience we all have), but in the end, after every experience, we return back to our 'baseline' consciousness which is the accumulation of all the biases and conscious understandings that we have at our fingertips.

one could describe this as the 'kundalini' level; or the point of consciousness at which we can 'ordinarily' access the inner light. As we clear blockages and put into place deliberate undestandings of the self, this baseline kundalini rises naturally, and we experience (live) the 'new' viewpoint of reality. This is a slow, methodical, precious, patient, loving, and self-transforming life process; it is by no means 'instant enlightenment'

permanent changes are equated to permanent understandings; things like age, mood, income, current energy levels ... all these things can fluctuate, but when understandings become permanent (seated within the self), this is something that cannot be removed or dislodged; this is the rising of the kundalini, or true spiritual progress.

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and I know what you mean by 'personality quirks and biases'; these things become more 'adaptable' and 'flexbible' depending on the circumstance and the individual that one is interacting with; one can be the role most needed; rather than putting forth one's own rigid personality configuration in all situations.

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peace, and take care; the self-insights mount as one becomes more aware and cognisant of the process. Very soon; the self-generated-catalyst becomes an accelerant fuel, and one finds oneself travelling at the most dizzying speeds; although never exceeding one's capacity to continue enjoying the landscape, as Ra calls it.

namaste fellow journeyer!!

plenums

Brittany, congratulations on this achievement and do take good care of yourself as you adjust in all necessary ways!

For myself, I've noticed that I realize balanced beliefs at a mental level first. However, truly integrating the balanced belief takes much time. Maybe it's old energy from my past or past lives, or maybe the subconscious mind is reservoir of deeply held but not conscious imbalanced beliefs. I do not know.

All I know is that I feel I have to remind myself for at least weeks to months about a balanced belief that I discovered for the integration process to truly begin. Perhaps I try more focused meditations to get the idea down to the root of the mind.

I love your posts Brittany. It's good to see that none of us are alone in the journey!!

Brittany, your post triggered my awareness of a couple friends who are hoarders. They have memories of how they acquired their things and fear that disposing of them will destroy their past. They both told me that although they don't even know each other.

You saw a better life without your traits but also know how much they defined you. I hope you can set the pace of improving yourself to an almost-comfortable level.

Good luck!