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Full Version: Dealing with Shame at a root level
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I come from a culture where the use of shaming is seen to be a norm (my parents are from Hong Kong and Southern China, and emigrated to Australia before I was born). And even though I grew up in Sydney (and have lived my whole life here), it was a cultural attitude that was transmitted via my upbringing, and strengthened because of the wide extended family that I grew up with (my mother had 5 siblings, all in Australia, and all had kids, and we were the same age group).

now shaming is not an exclusively asian practice; it goes on elsewhere, but it most definitely has a wide prevalance in that region (and those that are descended from, and influenced by those cultures). I have observed during my upbringing that the more cultural relevant thoughtform in the west takes the form of 'guilting'; and although guilt and shaming are related, they do take on particular presentations, and can't be regarded as synonymous blockages.

I will try and talk about the shaming distortion, as it is one that I have more lived experience with, and one that has deeper roots than any guilt distortions I might be prone to.

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having investigated my own shaming bias over many many years, I have had various theories about how it is grounded, and on what sort of misunderstanding it might be based on. My own thoughts on the matter have changed over time; as I have observed to what degrees my changed attitudes have affected how the distortion presents itself.

my current understanding of the shaming impulse revolves around the following principle:

* the shame comes about (self-inflicted attitude adopted when one is a child), when one considers that certain actions or thoughts need to be 'hidden' from others because they are unworthy or not good enough. The important distinction here that the word 'sin' does not really enter into the picture. The 'thing that needs to be hidden' is not necessarily morally 'bad'; but is rather considered 'culturally bad' or a 'failure' in a social setting. This connection to the culture/social sphere makes the Shame Impulse very much a yellow ray blockage; and one that 'hides' the self from other selves; because something is considered not good enough or is a failure.

This 'failure' usually ties into an academic setting very early on; when one's test grades are not good enough; the feedback from parents and teachers is not encouragement to do better, or that one will be given another chance, but rather that the 'failed score' is an everlasting stain on one's record. In that way, it could be considered as a 'sin' in some way; but as I said before, it's not considered a moral failure, but rather a cultural or social failure; which makes its rooting different from how guilt manifests (guilt being more an orange ray issue).

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now, growing up, and having observed this particular personality distortion in myself during my 20's, and being around different types of people, from different backgrounds, I could see when the shame reared its head and presented itself, although I didn't necessarily understand or comprehend how the distortion actually worked, in terms of its mechanics.

for eg, I was always bedazzled and amazed by individuals which one would consider as 'uninhibited'; not because they were socially free and mobile, but rather how they engaged with their own mistakes and learning process. They were quite 'open' about how they learnt - when something was unfamiliar, they tried it out, made mistakes, didn't get too fussed about it, and just kept on going. Sometimes they made headway, sometimes not (I'm not implying that they succeeded at everything they attempted; sometimes they were totally inept at the task, even with an open learning attitude), but rather these 'uninhibited learners' didn't try to keep things hidden. It was ok to make mistakes, and then make adjustments.

this was in stark contrast to my own attitudes (which I can see so clearly now in hindsight), where the learning processs was very much secretive, and mistakes and misjudgements were harshly self-criticized. The key word here is that I kept things hidden.

as I've said above, this asian attitude (broadly speaking) towards learning and schooling is based on rote, mechanical repetition; and the one with the most rote, regurgitive OCD memory wins at the tests; especially at the lower levels of school. Its like a contest for distorting the mind. This was further re-inforced by the fact that I attended chinese language classes either on a saturday or a sunday (it varied over the years) from a young age until about 11 or 12. The learning of chinese characters is just repeating the same written character in small boxes like 50 or 100 times at a stretch - it makes learning the english alphabet as easy as farting in comparison.

and so with this reinforced attitude, the self-shaming impulse was born; when things were not good enouigh unless one was number 1; and where there was always a strict pecking order of academic achievement; and everyone knew their 'place'.

originality, individuality, creative impulses ... these are things not traditionally valued in the asian schooling model (broadly speaking). And I know that this influence is present in western models as well; although it is taken to a much higher level in asian presentations.

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so those were the roots of my self-shaming impulse. It is grounded in social/culture/schooling. How has this explicated understanding helped?

well, I have gradually bridged my mental attitudes that lean heavily towards secrecy and keeping things hidden to more open attitudes. This doesn't mean an exhibitionist impulse! far from it. That would be an over-compensation in my view (and perhaps one which some individuals adopt as a reaction to the shaming bias). No, I think the more balanced attitude is reflected in the case of someone who is rather 'uninhibited', like in the case I described above. Such a person is not 'showy' or making a display of themselves; rather they are free to act 'as themselves' in a social setting; whether it be learning, or speaking, or on a stage, without being crippled by self-consciousness and over-assessing their every word and gesture. They are 'uninhibited' because they are 'free to act'; which is very much a more open position than the individual given over to shame; and fearful of making further 'errors' in a public sphere that will only compound and add to the pre-exisiting shame and memories of failure.
Familiar story my friend - as my parents were first generation indian immigrants!

In my perspective, shame is red, orange, and yellow ray. It deals with both self-worth and your relationship to others and it makes life feel shitty when you feel shame. Orange and yellow in so many cases are interrelated it seems. Also interesting to that you note how your upbringing did not value originality, individuality, and creativity...orange concepts. I still dig up new orange issues every week. It's a warzone down in my gut and stomach area lol Smile

You wonder after so much influence from Buddhism which focuses so much on balance, where it all went astray. Ah well, I suppose the bigger the initial distortion, the more adeptly balanced one becomes if they break free of that! C'est la vie.

Life involves making mistakes. Being last place. Failing. Doing harmful stuff. Doing stupid stuff. Doing embarrassing stuff. Doing pathetic stuff. Everyone's been there, whether they consciously accept their experiences truthfully, or repress them, or lie to themselves about them. Each experience has the potential for much learning. You learn much more from failure than success. We're here to experiment. Experimentation is often a few great successes paired with many failures. It's all a part of life, and for me, the more I've come to accept that, the more it's helped me accept myself for being in the situations, accept life, and accept any changes in social relationships as a result of those experiences. The entity that doesn't carry its fair share of failures, is one that hasn't taken advantage of the incarnative experience to the fullest. Jump in head first! Be proud of your war "scars" (though let them be healed emotionally!)! We all have them Smile
Love love this. Somehow I have not seen this post before.

I especially love the theme of being "hidden". I often hide myself away when I feel shameful. In my house or otherwise.

But if I have to go out to the grocery store lets say, I will do my best to cover my entire face (mask and sunglasses helps.)

Not only hiding myself, but my actions too. I feel such shame when it comes to junk food for example, so whenever I buy junk food, I never tell anyone. Even when I'm purchasing my junk food at the store, I can't wait to get outta there just so no one can see me or what im doing. Same with alcohol. If I was at the store picking up some beer, and I ran into a friend, it would almost be like getting caught sneaking out by your parents. Because I perceive what I am doing to be so wrong, that when I see familiar faces while I'm doing it, i feel like i got "caught," i.e, I've got no where to hide.

it's a shame (ha) plenum had to leave us, but we are so fortunate to have his archived posts. thanks plen, wherever you are
Thank you for finding and sharing this thread.

The OP illustrated this beautiful dance with shame along one's journey. Although shame is regarded as an unpleasant energy, the dance that the OP described is beautiful in its own way.

It makes me curious about how seeds are planted within us, when they are first planted in us, and how our MBS - like soil - may reject or accept these seeds. We - and those influences around us - nourish or neglect them. Whether these seeds take root and sprout, or not, is a pivotal point in our journey. Whether that seed be shame or openness, or peace or disquiet, or any of numerous flavors, they may be planted within our garden, and we may - unconsciously or consciously - nurture them. Or, not tend to them, and there they may wait for the moment to take root and sprout.

It is quite interesting/joyous to run through years and years of experience tending to our garden; and look around at how the gardens that we are have evolved. And which plants pique our interest. And which plants we turn away from. ...
(02-12-2022, 11:17 PM)IndigoSalvia Wrote: [ -> ]Thank you for finding and sharing this thread.

The OP illustrated this beautiful dance with shame along one's journey. Although shame is regarded as an unpleasant energy, the dance that the OP described is beautiful in its own way.

It makes me curious about how seeds are planted within us, when they are first planted in us, and how our MBS - like soil - may reject or accept these seeds. We - and those influences around us - nourish or neglect them. Whether these seeds take root and sprout, or not, is a pivotal point in our journey. Whether that seed be shame or openness, or peace or disquiet, or any of numerous flavors, they may be planted within our garden, and we may - unconsciously or consciously - nurture them. Or, not tend to them, and there they may wait for the moment to take root and sprout.

It is quite interesting/joyous to run through years and years of experience tending to our garden; and look around at how the gardens that we are have evolved. And which plants pique our interest. And which plants we turn away from. ...

How seeds are planted in us, what an interesting question.

I think perhaps, a lot of it occurs during our pre-incarnative planning. I don't quite know why, but I was born into a family that harbored addiction, shame, and loss. It seems to me that "I" planned that before I came here. 

Additionally, I would say that seeds are planted during our incarnation (potentially,) intuitively as well, I would say, generally, this as a mechanism of the subconscious. As we live our lives as people, we come across various catalyst that incite us to "take on" other seeds. 

I'm not sure about you, but sometimes I meet people and cant help but feel that I know them. Even if it was the first time I had met "them" (their person, in this case.) I have often wondered if soul contracts are often signed during these moments. 

For example, I once started frequenting a cafe near my apartment a few years ago. There was one barista there who I had never met before in this life, and yet whenever I saw them, there was a sense of recognition. I often wonder if agreements were made in the time we spent together (albeit infrequent.) 

With that being said, I would say that these subconscious mechanisms can be raised to the conscious level. And thus, we inherit a more "magical" way of operating in this world.

Just my intuitive response. How's that sound to you?
I think it works both ways Silly, as a contact made during the incarnation as we meet, but for sure when we are in time / space planning incarnation, some agreement being made either very strongly and deeply with immediate close contacts as family, ( sometimes for some of us less close contact with family ), close friends and even surrounding people we meet regularly but not apparently too close.

And that would explain the feeling of 'knowing' someone we just meet apparently for the first time in present incarnation.
(02-13-2022, 10:07 PM)flofrog Wrote: [ -> ]I think it works both ways  Silly,  as a contact made during the incarnation as we meet, but for sure when we are in time / space  planning incarnation, some agreement being made either very strongly and deeply with immediate close contacts as family, ( sometimes for some of us less close contact with family ),  close friends and even surrounding people we meet regularly but not apparently too close. 

And that would explain the feeling of 'knowing' someone we just meet apparently for the first time in present incarnation.

Yes, flo, I appreciate your words. It really is like ying/yang. A constant state of equal suspense somehow. 

Perhaps I put much worth into preincarnative planning, because it so almost like the bullseye of anyones incarnation. It's like what the sun would represent in someones astrological birth chart. The ideal that we all shoot for and seem to always miss. (not to mention my propensity for attaching my idea of self to the ideal, i.e solar qualities in that sense)  Smile

Heart  Heart