12-15-2013, 04:34 PM
I have been reading these stories for some time and enjoying them. I'm a bit of a know it all and my insecurities feed on these types of opportunities. Forgive me in advance for any arrogance judgements that I may sling about in the course of this narrative. The more awake I become the more staggered I am by my own behavior.
My childhood was full of insecurities, and I remember being shocked at how adults acted. My mother had a medium do a reading on me, and the letter she sent back was a glowing report of this advanced spiritual being. I dismissed it and did not think it possible. I threw it away actually. Part of me wanted desperately for it to be true. That part of me that has always wanted love and attention.
By the time I got into high school, these insecurities had brought me to a place of confusion that led me from one bad relationship/good catalyst to another. Relationships for me were some of my best teachers. Without really having a sense of who I was, it was a painful roller coaster. College was exacerbated these social issues, but I found a passion for ideas that I had never found, growing up in s small southern town. I studied art and found my first spiritual teacher in the form of an amazing abstract painter. I learned a lot about everything by learning how to paint and draw. I now see abstraction as a vibrational language. I have read descriptions of other dimensions that resemble much of what I have tried to do with my art. Making art was meditation for me before I knew how to meditate.
In graduate school (moving from the south to the west) my insecurities blossomed into painful situations that forced me,luckily, into seeing a therapist. She was an incredible healer and teacher. Because I was in graduate school, I was getting a subsidized rate on therapy. After grad school, I began attending group therapy at a place called the gestalt institute. These were drop in groups once a week for $10. This group was used to train therapists who were learning these techniques under supervision. I was thrilled. I loved it! Most people would dread this but it became my church. It was so affirming and healing to admit my fears in a room full of supportive strangers. Eventually, my need to work in the center of the group subsided, and I began to absorb everything as if it was my training. This therapy involves dialogs with different parts of your self with constant focus on what is happening in the present moment. It allows past traumas to resurface and be processed. I got to know so many people who walked into that group. You never knew who would show up, but all were welcome. It was intense and real! I did this for seven years. I think people felt sorry for me, but I loved to see and support this kind of work. The therapists and trainees all rotated in 4-6 month segments, but I did not rotate. I just kept on going. I was often the only one who knew everyone in the room. I experienced incredible healing and learning during this time.
At this same time, I discovered zen Buddhism. There were two sanghas in town and I joined both. I immediately loved meditation. I was told not to study with two teachers but I was so curious I did it anyway. When I began to do silent retreats I had amazing experiences of joy, peace, and calm. Most of the other participants were older but I felt more at home with these people. I was quickly able to drop my mind on these retreats and this was amazing. I would wander around in this state instead of staying stapled to the cushions. This rubbed some of my fellow practitioners the wrong way.
On impulse in these states of openness, I got married to a childhood friend I did not know very well. She had addictions and it ended up being a powerful catalyst for learning unconditional love. It ended in divorce and I was back in my hometown. I was single in a town that I did not like when I was growing up. Through a series of synchronicities I met an esoteric christian teacher who read runes. By now I could fell energy and I knew she was the real deal. She introduced me to Alice Bailey, the tarot, and the Qabala. She also taught me a new way of meditating deepened my connection to my higher self/soul. On a retreat during this time I was staring into a wood stove and I came into what they call a glimpse for a day I moved deeper into presence than I had ever been. I asked my self complex spiritual and existential questions and I was able to answer them.
Ar about this time I worked through a book called the presence process. I misread something in the book and had several intense energetic experiences. It was like a fire hose shooting through a straw. I eventually learned how to work with it. That has settled down for the most part.
Soon after that I began to want a group to share my experiences with. I identified people who I intuitively thought would do this and emailed them. I am an English teacher now and I teach socratically to teenagers. I have a strange ability to facilitate groups and this came in handy (along with my experiences all those years with gestalt groups). I found that I knew how to listen and occasionally I got intuitions about what to ask someone or what was hidden and wanted to come out. These groups have been amazing. They have allowed me to grow and learn continuously in the hometown which I had thought of as restrictive. I have experimented with different sizes and permutations of these groups. Two of them are still going strong. Some of them are not still meeting. These groups provide a place of self-reflection, acceptance, and commiseration. I feel so complete when I am serving in this way. The members of the group each have certain strengths which form a cohesive force for support and growth. I have been able to use so much of what I learned in these groups.
During this time I found a soul connection with my new wife who was from my hometown and studying with the teacher I mentioned earlier. There are many synchronicities associated with this connection that I won't go into. This happened when I gave up trying to find someone.
I found the Law of One books about a year ago. I read them quickly and have loved them along with light/lines. They have been an incredible gift to my growth. There is a clarity there that I love. Thank you for reading. Blessings, Dave
My childhood was full of insecurities, and I remember being shocked at how adults acted. My mother had a medium do a reading on me, and the letter she sent back was a glowing report of this advanced spiritual being. I dismissed it and did not think it possible. I threw it away actually. Part of me wanted desperately for it to be true. That part of me that has always wanted love and attention.
By the time I got into high school, these insecurities had brought me to a place of confusion that led me from one bad relationship/good catalyst to another. Relationships for me were some of my best teachers. Without really having a sense of who I was, it was a painful roller coaster. College was exacerbated these social issues, but I found a passion for ideas that I had never found, growing up in s small southern town. I studied art and found my first spiritual teacher in the form of an amazing abstract painter. I learned a lot about everything by learning how to paint and draw. I now see abstraction as a vibrational language. I have read descriptions of other dimensions that resemble much of what I have tried to do with my art. Making art was meditation for me before I knew how to meditate.
In graduate school (moving from the south to the west) my insecurities blossomed into painful situations that forced me,luckily, into seeing a therapist. She was an incredible healer and teacher. Because I was in graduate school, I was getting a subsidized rate on therapy. After grad school, I began attending group therapy at a place called the gestalt institute. These were drop in groups once a week for $10. This group was used to train therapists who were learning these techniques under supervision. I was thrilled. I loved it! Most people would dread this but it became my church. It was so affirming and healing to admit my fears in a room full of supportive strangers. Eventually, my need to work in the center of the group subsided, and I began to absorb everything as if it was my training. This therapy involves dialogs with different parts of your self with constant focus on what is happening in the present moment. It allows past traumas to resurface and be processed. I got to know so many people who walked into that group. You never knew who would show up, but all were welcome. It was intense and real! I did this for seven years. I think people felt sorry for me, but I loved to see and support this kind of work. The therapists and trainees all rotated in 4-6 month segments, but I did not rotate. I just kept on going. I was often the only one who knew everyone in the room. I experienced incredible healing and learning during this time.
At this same time, I discovered zen Buddhism. There were two sanghas in town and I joined both. I immediately loved meditation. I was told not to study with two teachers but I was so curious I did it anyway. When I began to do silent retreats I had amazing experiences of joy, peace, and calm. Most of the other participants were older but I felt more at home with these people. I was quickly able to drop my mind on these retreats and this was amazing. I would wander around in this state instead of staying stapled to the cushions. This rubbed some of my fellow practitioners the wrong way.
On impulse in these states of openness, I got married to a childhood friend I did not know very well. She had addictions and it ended up being a powerful catalyst for learning unconditional love. It ended in divorce and I was back in my hometown. I was single in a town that I did not like when I was growing up. Through a series of synchronicities I met an esoteric christian teacher who read runes. By now I could fell energy and I knew she was the real deal. She introduced me to Alice Bailey, the tarot, and the Qabala. She also taught me a new way of meditating deepened my connection to my higher self/soul. On a retreat during this time I was staring into a wood stove and I came into what they call a glimpse for a day I moved deeper into presence than I had ever been. I asked my self complex spiritual and existential questions and I was able to answer them.
Ar about this time I worked through a book called the presence process. I misread something in the book and had several intense energetic experiences. It was like a fire hose shooting through a straw. I eventually learned how to work with it. That has settled down for the most part.
Soon after that I began to want a group to share my experiences with. I identified people who I intuitively thought would do this and emailed them. I am an English teacher now and I teach socratically to teenagers. I have a strange ability to facilitate groups and this came in handy (along with my experiences all those years with gestalt groups). I found that I knew how to listen and occasionally I got intuitions about what to ask someone or what was hidden and wanted to come out. These groups have been amazing. They have allowed me to grow and learn continuously in the hometown which I had thought of as restrictive. I have experimented with different sizes and permutations of these groups. Two of them are still going strong. Some of them are not still meeting. These groups provide a place of self-reflection, acceptance, and commiseration. I feel so complete when I am serving in this way. The members of the group each have certain strengths which form a cohesive force for support and growth. I have been able to use so much of what I learned in these groups.
During this time I found a soul connection with my new wife who was from my hometown and studying with the teacher I mentioned earlier. There are many synchronicities associated with this connection that I won't go into. This happened when I gave up trying to find someone.
I found the Law of One books about a year ago. I read them quickly and have loved them along with light/lines. They have been an incredible gift to my growth. There is a clarity there that I love. Thank you for reading. Blessings, Dave
