when you are a kid, your parents are like gods. Mum, who is supposed to look after you, and a father, perhaps, who might be a strong figure. Those are the archetypes, anyway, of Mum and Dad.
in truth, the reality is subject to the full variety of human personality and inter-relationship. One or both parents might have a substance addiction, even something 'legal' as tobacco or alchohol. One or both parents might be abusive, one or both parents might have quite serious mental disturbances. And yet, as a delicate and impressionable child, it is these two figures (mom and dad) from which we copy most of our language, our early habits, and learn how to interact and cope with conflict, how to 'reason'. Of course, a child has many many influences on them, but even as a full adult of 35+ years I can still trace various habit patterns and behaviours back to my folks, some of which have needed conscious 'adjusting' over time.
my mother was bit aloof and emotionally distant. Physical contact and affection wasn't really part of the M.O. ('modus operandi') of how us 3 kids grew up. It wasn't until later in life that I become fully comfortable with physical contact and even casual touching.
my father worked like a human machine running his small hospitality business (chinese takeaway store). From him, I implicity adopted an attitude that life is hard, and that discipline of the self is required to approach it. I probably took that belief pattern a bit too far in my time, and it has needed some relaxing and balancing on my side, so as to become more spontaneous and free flowing.
what I'm trying to say is that in addressing the distortions of the self, sometimes we have the heal the distortions of our parents, from whom we copied and adopted various attitudes from.
I'm currently going through the 'empty nest syndrome' :p I've been parenting my parents since forever, they've always been consumed by their own pain and mental instability. Due to their abusive tendencies it's not acceptable, or humanly possible, to interact with them anymore, which was a rather difficult decision. But the relationship has never been better, because I feel more compassion and love for them, aswell as myself, than ever before.
How's your current relationship with your parents, plen?
It's very interesting hehe. A key area of focus for sure.
We reincarnate with the same family because we work well with them i believe and have distortions or karma to work out and balance. I have quite a balanced and good relation with my folks. My Father had the wisdom from different esoteric subjects he probably got that from his dad or my granddad who was a freemason and into all of that jazz.
From my mother was the compassion and general motherly nature, which she most likely got from my Gran who was very positively STO.
I feel quite lucky to have this balance although it wasn't without distortions over the years but i guess looking back on things it was so small and silly, the unwavering good times are here.
Looking back, I honestly don't have many memories of my parents as we never really did anything together. My mother left my biological father when I was 11 months old and he gave up his rights once my mother remarried when I was 4 so the father I have now is the only father I have known. Despite this, I still call him by his name instead of dad because, well, the word dad still signifies a biological relationship for some reason. I remember when the married so it's not like I didn't know at the time that he wasn't my biological father.
Growing up, we never went on vacations or family outings mainly because they didn't have that kind of money and what money they did have was spent on spoilin us with toys to make up for it I guess. They never managed their money well anyways but looking back, I never understood why we didn't do much together. I do know that later once I moved out and my fathers business started to boom, they went on many trips but I was already out on my own which left me feeling left out which brings me to my next point
I always felt left out even though that couldn't be farther from the truth from their perspective. Once my mom remarried, they had two kids but I look nothing like my mother so I looked nothing like any of my family. I showed many Indian attributes with my dark complexion and brown eyes whereas they were fair skinned with blue eyes.
Once I reached my preteen years , I just felt as if I was adopted the entire time. Combined with the fact that we lived in a very rural part of town equaled quite the lack of friends and loneliness. I had one really friend through elementary school and luckily I rode the bus to and for school with him to which my mother drove me to and picked me up from his house. I remember having the idea of going through my parents files and seeing if I could find adoption papers because I was convinced that these weren't my parents. I even specifically remember when my family was coming to see me play baseball and they were in a pretty bad accident. My parents were transported to the hospital and my little brother had to be flown by helicopter. When my aunt and a police officer showed up and told me, I never cried and even though I was only 9 or so, I remember wondering why I wasn't even upset.
Once I reached 12-14, I acquired a couple more best friends and we did everything together. One of them had a family cabin in the woods on a river where we were lucky enough to spend the majority of summer breaks by ourselves since our parents knew there was nowhere we could go without walking a significant distance so we canoed and swam in the crystal clear waters of a spring fed river (more like an oversized creek or tributary that fed into an actual river)
Once high school hit, my parents were all but gone to me. They basically provided food and shelter for me. I was all about my friends, new girlfriend, and a plethora of LSD and weed. I was always at one of their houses instead of my own. My parents allowed me to have quite the loose leash so to speak and I used every inch of it lol. Once my grades took a dive and I started acting up a bit, they tightened the reigns a bit but I was already looking for a way out. So once I turned 19 and my new girlfriend which I ended up marrying got an apartment as soon as possible.
We've definitely become a bit closer since I've had to move back in there a couple times after all the hell I went through with my ex but there still is this glaring difference between us. I definitely talk more and open up to them more but I still only talk to them once every few weeks or a month. I've just always had this incredibly free spirit where I've never felt like I had to depend on them unless it was absolutely necessary. I do think thy showed me the proper amount of love throughout my childhood but I just always knew something just wasn't quite right with the current configuration of my life.
I think our relationship with our parents reflects us more than you might think. People with different astrology charts (the parents are strongly featured in the chart) experience the same parent very differently sometimes.
There was/is a lack of communication due to our distortions. My wife and I have made them our best friends now. We do a lot together when we visit and it is a very pleasurable experience.
I'm not that close to my father or mother. My dad is religious and doesn't allow any "occult" material in his home, including L/L Research stuff. My mom is more spiritually minded, but she is very profane. Especially the GD word gets to me. I know I shouldn't let it, but it does. But I think I'm getting better. She cooks for me often, and only asks little of me, to help take her places. I even gave her $1000 once to help her out. Trying not to be judgmental that she spent it all in less than a month instead of saving it to help her out. My blue ray is not strong around them. But my heart goes out to them.
(03-22-2014, 05:20 AM)Melissa Wrote: [ -> ]How's your current relationship with your parents, plen?
things are much better than they have been before Mel.
There was a time after I left high school (and I was still living at home) that they were quite disapproving of my life choices. Well, maybe disapproving is the wrong word, they sort of didn't understand why I chose to take the path that I did, when the 'conventional life' seemed to be laid out quite clearly for me. I had gotten into a prestigous course at university, but I dropped out of that after a year and did my own thing. This caused a lot of consternation and confusion in my parents, who couldn't fathom why someone would make that choice, given such a golden opportunity for success and a career. But I ended up going my own way, and pursuing my own interests, and the over-riding feeling I got from them was 'disapproval'. And yet they still allowed me to live at home for a few years, and so gave me the material support in that way, something that I was and still am grateful for.
Things did ease after that, but were still tense, but I got to experience the 'grandchild effect' about 6 years ago.
This was when my brother had his first kid, and basically all the expectations that had been laid on my shoulders (and that I had disappointed in their eyes) got transferred to the next generation, and so basically 'Plenum the disappointing first child' could be laid to rest, and 'Plenum just another adult human being' could be seen for who he was.
The 'grandchild effect' became increasingly strong as my brother had another kid, and another one after that, and then my sister chimed in with her own baby. So instead of my parents having invested all their cares and concerns into me, it got transferred onto the grand-kids, and I could be a free individual once more.
so yeah, a relationship depends on the attitudes and the approach on both sides, and while one can maintain a 'loving attitude' and not see separation, the actual practice and living of that relationship is dependent upon the circumstances and what is present on the table at any point in time.
to answer the question, though, lol, yes things between me and my folks are as smooth and bump-free as they have ever been; and even though I get the 'Dad Advice Record' that I have heard a 1000 times before every time I visit, he just does it out of habit rather than with a genuine disapproving attitude. My mother is definitely much better too, as she had depression for a few years, and that can cloud a relationship, and give rise to misinterpretations etc.
but yeah, it took 37 years to get here, but finally there seems to be acceptance on both sides for me and my parents. In a way, when they used to 'disapprove' of my choice of life, I probably, to be fully honest, was disapproving myself of their materialistic approach, and over-emphasis on money, but I have come to appreciate some of the grounding aspects of those particular attitudes.
but yeah, when I think of both of my parents these days, only one feeling comes to mind: that of Gratitude. They both came from very poor backgrounds, and made a sustainable existence out of their lives, and I was (along with my younger brother and sister) a prime beneficiary of their hard work.
thanks for asking Mel; and regards your situation, sometimes distance is the best option.
Glad that things worked out between you and your parents, plen. How do you feel about the 'grandchild effect'? I mean, isn't that like a weird déja vu, from a different perspective?
(03-22-2014, 06:27 PM)Melissa Wrote: [ -> ]Glad that things worked out between you and your parents, plen. How do you feel about the 'grandchild effect'? I mean, isn't that like a weird déja vu, from a different perspective?
yeah, it seems to be pretty common for grandparents to be more loving and relaxed towards their grandkids than they were towards their own children when they were growing up. I'm sure there's a lot of self-imposed pressure on first time parents not to 'stuff it up', and so they think lots of rules and expectations are the way to go. But in truth, I think just allowing your child's personality to be and express itself naturally is probably the kindest approach to take.
but I think both my parents have learnt some stuff along the way, and are much more 'chillaxed' in general now
and there is a weird deja vu effect because my nephews are basically growing up (spending 2 days a week) in the house where I grew up in, and playing in the backyard where I mucked around in. The house seems tiny to me now, but when I was five years old it was like a huge kingdom lol.
If they're more chillaxed I can imagine it's a whole different story. Was wondering if you meant that your parents had shifted all the pressure onto their grandkids, glad that's not the case.
The relationship to my mother became very close. We communicate very honest with each other. By contrast, the relationship to my father became more distant. I believe it is because he represents certain aspects of myself which I find hard to accept. I fear that I could get like him. I will hopefully talk with him about this when I see him next time.
My sister is a very adorable person (everybody is adorable, I just want to emphasize it). But she is always subtle stressed, it is like something weights on her. I will also talk to her when I see her in mid-april.
I feel I have a lot "work" in front of me when it comes to my family.
My father is an emotionally distant fellow but my mother is not lacking in that regard lol.. I had and have a pretty good relationship with them, though my family was pretty messed up for a while and there was some serious tension from everyone but it's settled down now for the most part.
Also it's quite scary just how much we start to grow into our parents as we get older.
I left home around age 15 to escape to the other side of the world (quite literally). And, altho it did not solve any relational issues, it did give us space to work on our own stuff. Over the years our relationship has improved - just by the way in which we each interpret our catalyst during challenging times with each other. And so I think I made the right decision to live away from them... yeah, and my mother thinks it was her idea lol. I do praise them for allowing me to follow my heart tho.
My relationship with my father went from idolizing him (and demonizing mother) to being OK with seeing things with a more realistic lens so to speak. Things were culturally challenging bc they are from vastly different cultures and altho they do share core values there were social and other differences that confused me as a child. Buuut the beauty of individuation process is that those things reconcile themselves when I am more clear about who I am and what I value.
They are wonderful role models bc they continually work on themselves and develop.
I also learned that forgiveness is a major component in our relationships. We each apologized to each other for some crazy family dynamics in the past and move on. Whatever charged emotions transformed into gratitude and respect. That was such an important lesson for all of us. The key for us is to keep working on ourselves... keep going... having faith that we can work thru any challenging issue, even if we are separate.
I always have had problems communicating with my parents in that I don't think they are able to understand me despite both of them are very loving to me and are good-natured people, particularly my father is very understanding. For the last few months I increasingly realize it is an important lesson for me to accept them for what they are. After a few very personal talks I was able to see their own personal issues which contribute to some prominent attribute of their personality.
My parents are religious crackpots and I pretty much let go of all attachment to them. I love them but don't like them. I haven't seen them in two years and I'm sure I could go another few years just fine. I tried at one point to rely on them, and then again, and again, but every time they failed me and just rattled off religious non-sense or just avoidance of any issues I may want support in. So I just stopped caring about changing them. I wanted to help my mom when she told me how controlling and abusive my step dad was. She was so close to leaving him and then she decided to stay with him. At that point I realized that she wants her suffering and I can't help her into a better life, because she desires the life she has.
I don't care anymore. It's her life that she chose and there's nothing I can do to help her. She's emotional and psychologically a wreck and can't possibly be a stable mother to me. I call her once a month and she rattles on for an hour or so not able to listen a bit to what I have to say. So I expect little from her and I accept that.
(03-28-2014, 12:39 AM)Marc Wrote: [ -> ]I wanted to help my mom when she told me how controlling and abusive my step dad was. She was so close to leaving him and then she decided to stay with him. At that point I realized that she wants her suffering and I can't help her into a better life, because she desires the life she has.
Cycles of domestic violence respond well to addiction therapy. Both the abuser and victim are addicted to the cycle of reconciliation-abuse. Just like drug abuse, people only really change once they've hit rock bottom, and sometimes rock bottom is pretty hard to hit.
Not good. One of the reasons i suspect I am a wanderer is because I am nothing like my parents and have nothing in common with them.
(03-28-2014, 05:11 AM)xise Wrote: [ -> ] (03-28-2014, 12:39 AM)Marc Wrote: [ -> ]I wanted to help my mom when she told me how controlling and abusive my step dad was. She was so close to leaving him and then she decided to stay with him. At that point I realized that she wants her suffering and I can't help her into a better life, because she desires the life she has.
Cycles of domestic violence respond well to addiction therapy. Both the abuser and victim are addicted to the cycle of reconciliation-abuse. Just like drug abuse, people only really change once they've hit rock bottom, and sometimes rock bottom is pretty hard to hit.
It is mostly emotional and psychological abuse and it isn't a black and white situation. She has some therapists, but they only help her so much.