03-28-2014, 08:43 AM
Melissa
03-28-2014, 09:24 AM
Hi Michael, these are indeed tough choices, especially when it involves a family member. Was wondering if this how you've been experiencing your cousin since he moved in? And have you expressed how you feel towards him?
michael430
03-28-2014, 09:36 AM
[deleted]
03-28-2014, 09:36 AM
It's always good to have a guest room available. Who knows if someone you know in the future might move in. It happened to my parents. My grandpa built that house when he was alive, so they owe no rent or mortgage.
Melissa
03-28-2014, 09:55 AM
(03-28-2014, 09:36 AM)michael430 Wrote: [ -> ]Thanks Melissa. He asked before moving in if I would "help" him to become more adult and teach him independence. Since he has moved in, he works a minimum wage job for 36 hours and is unable some months to pay the rent in full that we agreed on.
I have not told him that his dishonesty is a big factor....
I guess I view him as a child in an adult body. I honestly don't know if he literally can't grow up or won't grow up.
Well, by being honest towards him about your feelings you're creating an opportunity for the both of you to connect in a more sincere manner. Perhaps this will assist you both in making a choice.
03-28-2014, 10:47 AM
Hey michael430,
just saw your thread and felt some urge to post. As usual its just my personal view and doesnt have to be related to your situation.
You said "I guess I view him as a child in an adult body". This made something ring for me.
Very often I realized in similar situations that the other-self was kind of trapped in my projection of them. And behaved like Ive expected it. eg. I had a co-worker, sitting in the same room and he made me crazy, every word made me explode inside.
While in anger and despair the "mantra" come up: "there is no $name" like in Matrix with the spoon. This immediately made me feel better. But the important point here, the next day the problems with this other-self were close to zero and we are friends now.
So my advice, since you asked for it: Free yourself of your view on him.
Easier said than done ;-)
Love and Light brother :-)
just saw your thread and felt some urge to post. As usual its just my personal view and doesnt have to be related to your situation.
You said "I guess I view him as a child in an adult body". This made something ring for me.
Very often I realized in similar situations that the other-self was kind of trapped in my projection of them. And behaved like Ive expected it. eg. I had a co-worker, sitting in the same room and he made me crazy, every word made me explode inside.
While in anger and despair the "mantra" come up: "there is no $name" like in Matrix with the spoon. This immediately made me feel better. But the important point here, the next day the problems with this other-self were close to zero and we are friends now.
So my advice, since you asked for it: Free yourself of your view on him.
Easier said than done ;-)
Love and Light brother :-)
03-28-2014, 11:09 AM
(03-28-2014, 08:43 AM)michael430 Wrote: [ -> ]Hi friends
For 8 months my cousin has been living with me and after a lot of emotional ups and downs I finally told him it's time for him to find some other place to live. I have given him over a month. Long story short - he makes me feel uncomfortable in my home because of his constant negative attitude and dishonesty.
I'm having difficulty balancing because of this and am wondering if any of you can offer me advice. He is a year older than me, but he is either unwilling or unable to make a life and home for himself. I live in a big house with my other half. There's plenty of room for three. I feel that making him leave would be selfish because his room will just sit vacant.
Every friend and family member I discuss this with says this is more than overdue, but none of them see the world quite as I do (that's where you guys come in ). Why do you suppose I am putting so much of my concentration on the possibility of spiritual consequences about making the "wrong" choice here?
Hey Mike, I'm sorry you're going through this kind of trouble, and your certainly not a lone.
It was a very good thing you allowing him into your home. You have set expectations (such as monthly bills that he will pay) which is also a good thing because it reflects the respect for yourself.
I agree with Melissa, discussing the topic will always make you feel better. It would literally cleanse out your throat chakra. We have a tendency to keep what is bothering us a secret to everyone but ourselves. We all do.
It's very hard thing loving and caring for someone and having to put yourself first. but at the same time you have to respect yourself and stand your ground. Tell him how important it is he pays the bills and respects your household.
As far as the negativity goes, send him love, but at the same time don't allow his negativity to inflict with your life.
Most importantly do what you think is right. Despite what everyone thinks, cause in the end you're gonna have to live with the decision. Want to give him more time? An extra chance ? Go ahead. Deep down it's all you brother
03-28-2014, 11:33 AM
i'd make him go bc of the "constant negative attitude and dishonesty"
but if it turned out he was unable to find some other shelter that wasn't a homeless shelter or cardboard box then i'd let him right back in
but if it turned out he was unable to find some other shelter that wasn't a homeless shelter or cardboard box then i'd let him right back in
03-31-2014, 04:27 PM
This one is difficult. We are supposed to help others, but when it comes at the cost of our peace, and our balance . . . I’m not so sure.
We should give love freely. But when we don’t love ourselves, we have nothing to give. Learning to love and respect ourselves is a part of the lessons we are here to teach.
You say that he “asked before moving in if I would "help" him to become more adult and teach him independence.” More adult would pay his rent. More independent would move out. Your forcing the issue, by reminding him of his request at the start, may just help him.
Someone elderly may even pay him to live with them in exchange for cleaning and cooking and shopping and travel to friends and doctors . . . It’s possible. He may be able to keep his current job, maybe at part-time, as he may be paid the same, or more, by this person?
He may manage this on his own, or through an agency which hires and trains people to do this work.
Does he have a friend where he works, who also needs a home? The two of them together may manage to be able to afford something? And the family of each may be able to help with furniture? And minimum wage is probably eligible for food stamps. And isn't there also a government program (section 5 ?) which help poor people pay their rent?
I don’t know, but perhaps putting yourself in his shoes, and figuring out what you would do, and helping him do it ? ?
Keeping our physical and emotional energies in balance is very important.
Does causing yourself pain, in any way balance with helping another?
And are you helping him?
Does housing and feeding him teach him self-love, or self-respect?
Or does housing and feeding him teach him maturity and independence?
Or are you just teaching him complacency?
What sort of kindness, or favor, are you offering him?
Does he have other cousins, or aunts or uncles? Are you the only possible family member with a home and an extra room?
Some community colleges teach people how to become plumbers, or hair dressers, etc. How much money and time is involved with learning to drive one of those big interstate trucks?
I really don’t know, but 8 months is a long time . . . . And your other half matters too, how does he/she feel?
We should give love freely. But when we don’t love ourselves, we have nothing to give. Learning to love and respect ourselves is a part of the lessons we are here to teach.
You say that he “asked before moving in if I would "help" him to become more adult and teach him independence.” More adult would pay his rent. More independent would move out. Your forcing the issue, by reminding him of his request at the start, may just help him.
Someone elderly may even pay him to live with them in exchange for cleaning and cooking and shopping and travel to friends and doctors . . . It’s possible. He may be able to keep his current job, maybe at part-time, as he may be paid the same, or more, by this person?
He may manage this on his own, or through an agency which hires and trains people to do this work.
Does he have a friend where he works, who also needs a home? The two of them together may manage to be able to afford something? And the family of each may be able to help with furniture? And minimum wage is probably eligible for food stamps. And isn't there also a government program (section 5 ?) which help poor people pay their rent?
I don’t know, but perhaps putting yourself in his shoes, and figuring out what you would do, and helping him do it ? ?
Keeping our physical and emotional energies in balance is very important.
Does causing yourself pain, in any way balance with helping another?
And are you helping him?
Does housing and feeding him teach him self-love, or self-respect?
Or does housing and feeding him teach him maturity and independence?
Or are you just teaching him complacency?
What sort of kindness, or favor, are you offering him?
Does he have other cousins, or aunts or uncles? Are you the only possible family member with a home and an extra room?
Some community colleges teach people how to become plumbers, or hair dressers, etc. How much money and time is involved with learning to drive one of those big interstate trucks?
I really don’t know, but 8 months is a long time . . . . And your other half matters too, how does he/she feel?
03-31-2014, 04:58 PM
Hey Michael, I agree with Melissa in that communication can helpful. Actually I think that loving, honest communication is one of your most important tools for helping to bring resolution/harmony to the situation.
His universe is not your own, and vice versa. Communication bridges that gap. It opens your experience to him, and his experience to you. Helps to clear misunderstanding. Helps to generate empathy. Helps to show each party ways they adjustments can be made for increased harmony.
Potentially and ideally, that is. It takes two for that level of work to be successfully completed. You could be honest, clear, and compassionate as possible, and it fall on deaf ears, or be misunderstood, or be rejected. But I think that the effort needs to be made in most situations, though each situation is unique.
And if compassionate communication fails to achieve the desired objective, and if your resistance to the situation persists, then, a form of tough love may be in order.
I think that "tough love", or drawing a boundary in order to protect and preserve the self, is not a disservice, or a "wrong", or out of alignment with the principles of the positive polarity. I think that, in fact, it can be an act of wisdom, so long as the energies of the heart chakra remain open.
Just some food for thought. Please disregard if unhelpful. Love & Light to you.
His universe is not your own, and vice versa. Communication bridges that gap. It opens your experience to him, and his experience to you. Helps to clear misunderstanding. Helps to generate empathy. Helps to show each party ways they adjustments can be made for increased harmony.
Potentially and ideally, that is. It takes two for that level of work to be successfully completed. You could be honest, clear, and compassionate as possible, and it fall on deaf ears, or be misunderstood, or be rejected. But I think that the effort needs to be made in most situations, though each situation is unique.
And if compassionate communication fails to achieve the desired objective, and if your resistance to the situation persists, then, a form of tough love may be in order.
I think that "tough love", or drawing a boundary in order to protect and preserve the self, is not a disservice, or a "wrong", or out of alignment with the principles of the positive polarity. I think that, in fact, it can be an act of wisdom, so long as the energies of the heart chakra remain open.
Just some food for thought. Please disregard if unhelpful. Love & Light to you.