Bring4th

Last night something happened to me, like a revelation about my own pain/suffering. I went back to visit some childhood memories which were quite traumatizing, it was like a slideshow of moments, I've experienced it like this before, but what was different this time is that I could see and feel the 'wounds' caused by these incidents. It was a bit of a gruesome sight to behold, as they were all of similar size and completely 'fresh' so to speak, like no therapy had ever occured. I was overwhelmed but at some level also relieved that I could see it, I could finally see what I've always felt.

Physically it was utterly painful too, as my muscles felt cramped and bruised and I felt a strong burning sensation throughout my body. This morning I was also devastated because of it, was all that therapy crap for nothing? But no, I don't think I could've handled it if I hadn't been preparing myself, so to speak. In a couple of weeks I'm seeing a holistic therapist to dive in deep and be fully present with mini-me, for comfort and love, to finally take care of those wounds. I don't want to be haunted by by my past anymore and I also feel it's my responsibilty to reduce my part of the pain and suffering on this planet, since I now know and trust that I can actually handle it.

I'm glad you aren't haunted by your past anymore, or at least you're choosing not to be.

I have had regrets from my past, but I guess I've healed them because they no longer bring me grief.

Thanks for your support, Gem

I actually do have one thing that comes up from my past. It causes me concern at times. Sometimes I think of dying because of it. That's as close to suffering as I can imagine that I have. It's not fun. I did not show unconditional love to another being at that moment. I was thinking about God instead, and doing work for him. I did not realize I would hurt another. It's made me cry deeply a number of times. And it happened over a year and a half ago.

Without really a cause, life itself is somewhat of a torment. I'd rather be somewhere else.

Other than that, work causes a degree of suffering, because I'd rather not be there. My days off are precious, but short.

Regardless of if I did anything bad or not, I still find solace in death. I think that will always be a part of me.

I'm glad I could be of help Melissa.

Crying is always a great way to release your emotions, I don't know how it affects you, but it tends to bring me back into a softer/heartfelt space. Which is something I've come to appreciate, even if the circumstances are challenging.

Life is a torment for me too sometimes Gem, it's definitely -not- an easy planet. So you're not alone in your struggles. I've actually never met anyone who could deal with life, even if they thought/said otherwise.

Sometimes I feel this is some kind of odd floating mental ward where all the sane people are called sick or mentally disordered. Thanks for your honesty and take care.

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Crying is refreshing for me, though it can make my throat hurt. I agree that I'd be normal considering my mental disability. I cried once when I felt unconditional love. And another time when I saw someone who looked like Jesus and gave him a hug. The only suffering I feel now is the restlessness and the intense boredom of life. And the fact that I cannot really serve anyone here.

Healing comes from new perspective, or changing that perspective of the past. Reliving events only reminds one of the origin of the belief that causes fear or pain. It is the changing of that past belief that changes the routing of that energy that remains stuck in the past.

Yes, but I can't change anything unless I go back to be fully present with myself, not reliving it perse. If I can't feel it in every fiber of my being, the way I did the other day, it's only a temporary mental relief.

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What was different also, this time I was guided by my body's knowledge and stored memories. I tuned into areas/limbs which demanded attention and just waited to see what would happen. Which is an entirely new discovery for me.

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Gem, I think you're serving more than enough already. Don't be too hard on yourself.

'You got to face the dragon to get to the treasure'... so essentially we're going to therapy or healing to relieve pain but paradoxically we may feel the pain sharply during the process of healing. We might not relive pains or we might, but it can get intense to face the self... need lots of will and stubbornness to heal. The best sessions usually occurred when I was trying to make up excuses to not attend session lol bc I intuitively knew I was getting close to some major stuff - those ended up being awesome sessions of breakthru. Hope your holistic therapist will be a great facilitator in this process!

Thanks for continuing to share your journey with us!

I believe that healing our own wounds is the most effective way to reduce the pain and suffering on this planet. Not only because we are a part of this planet and our own suffering deserves to be healed just as much as anyone else's, but also because our outer environment and inner environment are intrinsically linked. You heal the outer world as you heal your inner world. A most admirable endeavor.

(06-03-2014, 02:23 AM)reeay Wrote: [ -> ]'You got to face the dragon to get to the treasure'... so essentially we're going to therapy or healing to relieve pain but paradoxically we may feel the pain sharply during the process of healing. We might not relive pains or we might, but it can get intense to face the self... need lots of will and stubbornness to heal. The best sessions usually occurred when I was trying to make up excuses to not attend session lol bc I intuitively knew I was getting close to some major stuff - those ended up being awesome sessions of breakthru. Hope your holistic therapist will be a great facilitator in this process!

Thanks for continuing to share your journey with us!

That's also different this time, I have no resistance whatsoever, it's more of a relaxing into 'love' so deeply that everything which is the opposite of love, inevitable arises but it's welcomed because of non-resistance. I've never experienced anything like it before, quite amazing feeling. Though I had to sleep for almost an entire day to recuperate physically, could barely walk yesterday morning. Feeling MUCH better now though. I know exactly where, at what point, I need help from the therapist, I just hope she's willing to cooperate, otherwise I'll see where this takes me. Thanks Rie.

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(06-03-2014, 02:55 AM)Bring4th_Austin Wrote: [ -> ]I believe that healing our own wounds is the most effective way to reduce the pain and suffering on this planet. Not only because we are a part of this planet and our own suffering deserves to be healed just as much as anyone else's, but also because our outer environment and inner environment are intrinsically linked. You heal the outer world as you heal your inner world. A most admirable endeavor.

That's what I firmly believe as well. And I also believe it's a lifelong process.

There are some things that I think even a lifetime isn't enough time to heal completely. Life keeps adding more injury to the psyche. It just piles it on. More irritation. It isn't getting any better. That's my lot in suffering.

But there is also love. My heart feels torn both ways. I don't actually feel the love. I feel irritation. Only my dog Loki amuses me.

I've fallen into a strange time in relation to emotional pain and such. For some reason, the triggers recently also have an element of deaths of old family members. (And even though that is clearly explained in my astrological transits. The cause and effect relation if there is one is not obvious.)

I get a lot of dreams explaining the precise karma for my problems. I think that the fact that everything has been supressed under a weight of alcohol for years, I am sort of getting the karma for the time when I COULD have sorted myself out. But chose to drink. So I'm playing catch up.

I also have a date as to when my karma is going to end.

Always trusted you could do it

I was never much of a drinker, and didn't really put off things that needed to be done. So I haven't built up a backlog. I've forgiven myself and others for many things, hopefully everything. So I think my karma is already done. At least I'm not hanging around to deal with my karma.

I have the answer as to how the death of family members has linked to current catalyst. On the exact Saturn- Venus opposition.

There is a Leonard Cohen quote: Teacher are my lessons done, I cannot do another one. They laughed and laughed and said well child, are your lessons done?