There are many things I've done in my life that I am feeling guilt over. I usually don't feel guilty, but when I try to meditate, I am faced with the feeling. It's usually how I have hurt dogs in the past. Sometimes I was out of my mind. How can I truly forgive myself if I still feel guilt over them?
When I was a child I hurt younger children than myself as well. I feel a bit of guilt over that. But it's mostly towards Loki, the one I love, my wolfdog. I remember him being scared the day I attacked him. I can't get over that feeling. I thought he was Lucifer at that time, and that I was doing God a favor. I've mentioned this on the forum before, but I'm not sure if in much detail.
I was just trying to meditate, but I get uncomfortable feelings that surround me, and it turns out it was guilt. I can't seem to love myself enough to let it go. I hurt another dog I used to own named Reno. When he was growling at me, I threw a big rock at him about 3 times. He was chained up, and it hurt him. I cried over that. I've cried over what I did to Loki. I've felt the pain of the parents of the children I hurt when I was younger. I feel messed up. I feel dirty.
The Law of One advises taking an emotion to a massive extreme in order to allow the mind to see it's folly and break it up.
(06-29-2014, 12:39 PM)Phoenix Wrote: [ -> ]The Law of One advises taking an emotion to a massive extreme in order to allow the mind to see it's folly and break it up.
It's uncomfortable because it's causing physical distortions, not just mental. My body feels anxious and weak. Work doesn't help either. I'm not doing well at work.
I feel despair.
Have you sought assistance from a healer in releasing this emotional charge?
Gemini, you have no obligation to respond to this. I truly feel you can do no wrong. I believe you should be loved no matter what you do. If you ever want to talk to the community about these things and why you did these things, I am here to listen.
(06-29-2014, 03:31 PM)Tanner Wrote: [ -> ]Have you sought assistance from a healer in releasing this emotional charge?
Not yet, but I know one person who can do remote healing. I should ask them.
(06-29-2014, 04:12 PM)Adonai One Wrote: [ -> ]Gemini, you have no obligation to respond to this. I truly feel you can do no wrong. I believe you should be loved no matter what you do. If you ever want to talk to the community about these things and why you did these things, I am here to listen.
Thank you. I don't feel the need to go into detail about what happened on those many occasions. But I do wonder about how they will affect my karma. I don't want to be trapped on Earth for another incarnation because of the karma I had built.
I saw one furry image of guilt that resonated with me. I wish I could find it again.
Gemini, I believe you have no karma. If you look inside yourself, Gemini, and call to the universe with a great faith that you will get an accurate answer, you will see that you have nothing to repay. Your situation is different. Things will get better.
Guilt, lack of forgiveness, lack of acceptance, lack of understanding, they are all interrelated. Brainstorming the above concepts, especially with respect to understanding as to why another human (not yourself just yet - get some distance) would have done the things you do, can be helpful, especially since it's easier for you to love and understand others. Can you begin to understand why someone else could have done what you did? Someone who was out of their mind? How about someone who was sane and otherwise normal? Etc, etc, then go through the process of forgiveness with this hypothetical other, and then try acceptance.
Usually I find all of this results in a natural understanding that we're all children, and we take missteps - it's all a natural part of life. A big part of life is about unknowingly taking the missteps and then turning it in a beautiful learning experience.
p.s. The fact that you're meditating and reliving and remembering these experiences means that you've already started a large part of the healing and integration process. We all experience these old memories of that catalyst we thought didn't bother us but actually did and does. Remember, how you consciously feel is only a part of the equation - the unconscious mind is an important area of the mind to delve into as we address our most deepseated beliefs and fears. Don't worry GW, you're making progress brother.
(06-29-2014, 07:22 PM)xise Wrote: [ -> ]Don't worry GW, you're making progress brother.
I went through a phase where I lost the will to live. I've been there many times. Though I still eat and drink water, so I haven't fully given up on life. It's just I can't face myself at work. I don't like doing the things I do there, but it's better than any other job I can think of. A friend told me no job is worth a person's life. I think if I can get through the next couple of months I'll be doing ok, because an upcoming large project will be out of the way then. I think I can handle it. Though I'm not sure. I might prove ineffective.
At least I have Loki, and my mom's little dog Pookie that give me attention. I've never harmed Pookie, although he is sensitive if you press on certain parts of him or pull on his fur in certain places. Every dog that I've owned I've done something I regret to.
Gemini, am I correct in guessing that you would like to be like your dogs?
(06-29-2014, 07:46 PM)Adonai One Wrote: [ -> ]Gemini, am I correct in guessing that you would like to be like your dogs?
I've thought of that before. I would like the life of my dog Loki. He's very well treated. But I prefer to be 3rd density than revert to 2nd.
Are you ever jealous of Loki and his life as a dog?
(06-29-2014, 08:36 PM)Adonai One Wrote: [ -> ]Are you ever jealous of Loki and his life as a dog?
Not so much. I'm more jealous of those that stayed behind when I wandered. And of my spirit guide on the other side.
Know that you are supported by many. You are very loved.
(06-29-2014, 08:48 PM)Adonai One Wrote: [ -> ]Know that you are supported by many. You are very loved.
This I know. It still doesn't make life any easier.
But I think I would like Loki's life as a dog. He has no responsibilities. Though he is somewhat of a liability because he is aggressive towards other dogs he doesn't know.
What responsibilities make life very hard for you?
(06-29-2014, 08:56 PM)Adonai One Wrote: [ -> ]What responsibilities make life very hard for you?
Big projects at work with timetables.
And having to pick up extra work there, as per the boss.
Sometimes I don't like taking my mom shopping, but we
have to go out today.
I'm nervous now because someone I was with almost got caught shoplifting, for the 2nd time. They talk of doing it again. I don't like being in their presence when they do this, but I am their ride so I have to be. They don't make very much so it's hard living for them. They are on a fixed income. I am somewhat jealous of my dog who doesn't have to deal with this. They ended up buying all the groceries and spending nearly all they had.
(06-30-2014, 09:12 PM)Gemini Wolf Wrote: [ -> ]I don't like being in their presence when they do this, but I am their ride so I have to be.
You always have free will. You also have a lot of power if you are their ride - you are literally in the driver's seat.
Careful, it's usually pretty easy to convince the jury that a friend/ride was the lookout/getaway driver to the shoplifter, at which point you usually can be charged with something in many jurisdictions. All the easier to convince the jury if the friend/ride has a record.
I am also wondering if I'm not with them and they get caught, how will I find them? Will I also get in trouble if I'm not with them and they do that? This person I have a hard time saying no to.
(06-30-2014, 09:49 PM)Gemini Wolf Wrote: [ -> ]I am also wondering if I'm not with them and they get caught, how will I find them? Will I also get in trouble if I'm not with them and they do that? This person I have a hard time saying no to.
Is there a person you have an easy time saying no to?
Probably my brother. He dissed me once when I was emotionally unstable.
(06-30-2014, 09:56 PM)Gemini Wolf Wrote: [ -> ]Probably my brother. He dissed me once when I was emotionally unstable.
Do you feel the fact that he dissed you gives you permission to say no to him? What exactly about him makes it easy to say no to him?
It would be easy to say no to him regardless. He's a rather timid individual.
Saying No has seemed to come up more than once. Both with your mother and with this individual.
Having a criminal record and doing time in prison is not what you want to be doing.
(07-01-2014, 11:32 AM)Phoenix Wrote: [ -> ]Saying No has seemed to come up more than once. Both with your mother and with this individual.
Having a criminal record and doing time in prison is not what you want to be doing.
The person is my mother. I'd rather buy her groceries than to have her steal them. But I'm not loaded financially either, but I do better than her. I'd say I spare about $300 a month, which I save when I can. I get paid every 2 weeks, which means 2 paychecks per 28 days. It's less than a month so I end out ahead for when bills are due.
I had maintenance done on my truck recently that set me back $1200, when it hit the 100k mile mark. New spark plugs, hoses, and flushed the coolant, among other things.
(07-01-2014, 04:15 PM)Gemini Wolf Wrote: [ -> ] (07-01-2014, 11:32 AM)Phoenix Wrote: [ -> ]Saying No has seemed to come up more than once. Both with your mother and with this individual.
Having a criminal record and doing time in prison is not what you want to be doing.
The person is my mother. I'd rather buy her groceries than to have her steal them. But I'm not loaded financially either, but I do better than her. I'd say I spare about $300 a month, which I save when I can. I get paid every 2 weeks, which means 2 paychecks per 28 days. It's less than a month so I end out ahead for when bills are due.
I had maintenance done on my truck recently that set me back $1200, when it hit the 100k mile mark. New spark plugs, hoses, and flushed the coolant, among other things.
You are the Creator. Part of being the creator is creating your reality.
Sometimes, the most loving way to create your reality is finding a way to say "no."
I can say no by offering to pay for the groceries she can't afford. She feeds me anyway. I told her I'd lend her money for groceries, but she told me to keep the money to use for something else. She's pretty adamant about what she wants.
(06-29-2014, 08:36 PM)Adonai One Wrote: [ -> ]Are you ever jealous of Loki and his life as a dog?
Now that I think about it, I am a little jealous of how much he gets to sleep. Whenever he feels like it. Though he spends his days outdoors where it's hot, he's got plenty of shade. Well today I let him in early. But my older dog Desperado is too feeble to get up the stairs reliably. And when he does, he just slips on the tile floor and I have to push him to non-tiled floor where he can get a grip. His leg muscles aren't that strong.