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My wanderer story - Foha - 07-16-2018
I haven't posted my wanderer story yet because I am not proud of how I got onto this path.
My parents' first date was to see the movie poltergeist. This story of theirs stuck with me for some reason, and one day in middle school my English teacher asked us to write a research/persuasive paper about a subject we know little about. I ultimately chose to write mine about poltergeists. (This story of my parents' being the first thing to pop into my head) I wondered why there was a word to describe a type of ghost when ghosts didn't exist. (I learned early in research that it's a loan word from german that translates to "noisy ghost").
For the paper I had to research the subject and later use these findings in my persuasion. I chose to persuade against us needing to use this loan word because ghosts aren't real. I set out to collect research showing that these phenomenons were all shams or misunderstandings. The only information I could find about these kinds of events recorded in reputable sources that were approved for my assignment had no clear scientific reasoning for anything 'paranormal' that took place. This got me frustrated because I was failing to write this paper and being persuasive at all, so I set out to attack this at a different angle: to prove that the basis for poltergeists is unscientific.
As I tried finding research about 'psionic' feats, which poltergeists are attributed to by most paranormal investigators in the research, I only found papers showing these events as plausible.
For context, this was a middle school I moved to in 7th grade, and it was 1/10th the size of my previous one. By the time I arrived the students there had already created groups of friends. I tried to be like my best friend from where I moved from, because I thought he was really cool, and... let's just say I failed miserably. Since that day I attracted the attention of the group of bullies in that middle school, who made it their mission to sexually harass me every school day in every class I shared with them. I tried going through the proper channels to stop or prevent these things from happening, but the administration instead warned me not to do anything about it or they will call the cops and have me taken into juvenile custody, despite me being the victim. I was and still am not an aggressive person by any means. Most teachers at this school turned a blind eye to the rough housing and sexual abuse I suffered. My music teacher would simply walk out of the room until the bullies were done. Why this happened in this way I am not sure of, but I certainly felt like I didn't deserve it.
So with my life seemingly ruined (at the time) and with zero friends at my new home, I decided to try and learn the psionic feats that these papers attributed to poltergeist phenomenon. I was immature, emotionally broken, and I attracted all kinds of negative energy because of this. I experienced many paranormal events due to the practice and my unhealthy mental state, until I eventually manifested a mental disorder: Bipolar Manic Type II.
This mental disability rocked my view of the world and of myself. I struggled with it for 5 years until accepting it as a part of myself, and ultimately a result of my self-harmful actions and immaturity. In my young adult years I bounced in and out of jobs due to it, and ultimately was taken in by my mother and my stepfather to get me back on my feet. I started going to college and am finishing this fall if all goes well.
The paranormal events I experienced really shocked me at a fundamental level. Even with my mental disability they cannot be easily explained by science. Many of them have multiple witnesses, and all witnesses experienced the same event. If anything it showed me the world is not what it seems.
Despite the negative events that transpired in my young teens, I also always had a sense of duty to hold compassion and do the right thing even when nobody is watching. To help others even with nothing to gain. Selflessness isn't really accepted by a lot of the people I've interacted with, so many assumed I was hitting on them or being weird. Even still I make it a point to try and do the right thing even if it's seemingly all for nothing.
The 'paranormal' events that transpired really left a mark on my view of the world, and it wasn't something I could openly talk about or share. All of these experiences were labeled as a symptom of my mental disorder, even when they weren't. I couldn't safely talk about it with friends or family without raising red flags while I really wanted answers. So I did research on my own, and came across a radio talk show with a guest speaker I had never heard of that mentioned the Law of One.
The Law of One resonated with me greatly and has given solid explanations for some of the suspicions I had about the true nature of reality. And that is what led me here today.
RE: My wanderer story - AnthroHeart - 07-16-2018
Wow, you had it rough.
Though I lived in group homes growing up, when I was in high school I was popular because I filmed the football games.
I never was much for paranormal growing up. I didn't believe in aliens either. My dad taught me about astral projection
when I was a teen, so that was my foray into the supernatural.
I'm glad you can still have compassion for others. I'm not always like that.
RE: My wanderer story - Foha - 07-16-2018
(07-16-2018, 05:10 PM)IndigoGeminiWolf Wrote: Wow, you had it rough.
Though I lived in group homes growing up, when I was in high school I was popular because I filmed the football games.
I never was much for paranormal growing up. I didn't believe in aliens either. My dad taught me about astral projection
when I was a teen, so that was my foray into the supernatural.
I'm glad you can still have compassion for others. I'm not always like that.
It was rough but could have been worse. I am grateful I never got depressed or suicidal. The song I wrote, "Steady Heart" is about this drive to not get depressed or suicidal despite how gloomy and down life has got me at any moment. Here is a link to it: https://soundcloud.com/user-98499253/steady-heart
Some of these events I experienced defy the nature of reality as I have grown to understand it. While the door I took to go down this path I am not proud of, I am grateful I witnessed first-hand that reality is not what it seems. This gives me strength in enduring hardships. Knowing that there is more to life helps me press on.
RE: My wanderer story - ada - 07-16-2018
Thank you for sharing Foha.
I've also experienced some paranormal things in my childhood that pushed me forward to want to know more beyond what reality seemed like.
I admire your way of seeing this in a positive light.
RE: My wanderer story - Foha - 08-17-2018
I would like your guys opinions about this situation I am currently in, so thank you for reading. I apologize for it being lengthy. This could be considered part of my wanderer's story.
In the past, I was much more accepting of spiritual phenomenon. I was less of a skeptic... and I'm kind of unsure of how to feel about it now.
Being a skeptic was part of necessity to a condition of living with my folks.
The reason is because I forced myself to experience a spiritual experience before I was really ready for it at around the age of 18. This was traumatizing for me and my family. I can go into details another time, but it scarred me with a mental disorder. I was diagnosed with Manic Bipolar Type II. This mental disorder was very real. I feel that this was at the cost of my foolish experimentation and heedless endeavors in searching for the true nature of reality. My guiding principle was very immature and selfishly-oriented at the time, as well.
In any case, I struggled with acceptance of my diagnosis, and with the symptoms for many years. I would often get inspired to find that feeling of unity again, and of the ineffable, and would go searching for it in the wrong places. This would result in me exhibiting a flaring of mania again. Off to the mental ward I went. For my privacy and protection, all my things would be confiscated, including my digital phone, which held all my contacts' phone numbers I neglected to memorize. Even my own parents' phone numbers were not memorized. In the mental ward, I was only allowed to make phone calls from memory, and only at certain times. Needless to say this resulted in my "falling off the face of the planet" for a week or more, and ultimately losing my job. I bounced between jobs like this for about 5 years, struggling to ever move past this giant road block I placed before myself.
Thankfully, my parents would come and show unconditional love. After the 3rd visit to a mental ward, from refusing to accept this condition as a part of myself, or take responsibility for my actions, my mother and stepfather took me in to live with them and help me go back to College.
Finally for once, I was accepting my diagnosis and the symptoms that came with it. I accepted that I had a problem, and took it very seriously to set out and fix it. Not only did I seriously strive in fixing these problems, but my family helped give structure to my life and ultimately shape me into a responsible adult, when before I was more like a man-child.
I began to see things with a dose of skepticism and critical thinking. With this came new doubts towards the validity of works based on faith, despite the mountain of evidence and memories in which miracles took place. (These events not only took place in front of me, but many others. On one such occasion all the students in one of my classes in highschool witnessed paranormal phenomenon involving me.)
Now I am poised to start my final fall semester. I have racked up monetary debts to society that I plan to clear once I find my job. On my other shoulder, a conscious suggestion is to instead: live for myself and pursue my quest to search for and discover the truth. Its reasoning includes that my family takes pity on me and glosses over my experiences when they don't agree with them. Most, if not all, of my spiritual experiences, including the ones we all endured together, have been invalidated with me being pinned as the delusional. For this reason I walk on eggshells at home and try to reduce my interest in the subject. However, I feel that it is my nature to find this kind of thing interesting, and so I am at best teetering on the fence of indecisiveness of what goal to pursue, and at worst I'm chasing after two goals and reaching neither.
My family wants what is best for me. I do not find them antagonizing. However, I feel that it's a dangerous game to resolve some of the misunderstandings I feel they may have about me. If I utter any references to spiritual or new age vocabulary, they have a discerning, concerned, and judging gaze. So I have limited my pursuits of interests to simply attending a guided meditation for beginners on Thursdays and attending this forum.
I eventually came to understand the real reasons why I was taken to a mental ward and kept there against my will. If there is evidence I pose a risk to myself or others, then they have the right to keep me there until I get better (and as far as my family provides them with funds). The former was always my case, as they noticed I would go on fasts and not eat, nor would I sleep in the final days of my manic symptoms. I agree that this was fairly dangerous and unhealthy, but some of these fasts were done intentionally by me for spiritual reasons. Regardless, I was fairly delusional and suffering from my symptoms. I was misguided, and delusional at the time, and this led me to go to extremes and place trust in dubious sources.
Since I have lived with my family, my symptoms disappeared. My doctor mentions how high functioning I am for the diagnosis I was given, and my mind has been logical and sound, so we have lowered my dosage and seen how things went. After years of working with her, we have come to the point about 2 weeks ago where she suggested I ween myself off my low dose and see how it goes without taking medications. She said that since I have never exhibited a "flare up" and that it's possible the diagnosis might have been a misnomer. She mused that I may have simply had a traumatic experience that caused the symptoms in the first place. In my own opinion, I believe the symptoms manifested from a cause and effect due to my fool-hardy, heedless, and destructive practices that led me to the spiritual experiences I (nor the other witnesses) may have been ready to experience.
I have battled with 'invalidation' from others the larger portion of my life. Validation was a huge thing for me, because despite the amazing experiences I witnessed (at a huge cost), I had to refrain from speaking or thinking about it. I apologize if I was projecting this on any of you. I have been working on it, and am striving to not let something I do for others require conditions attached to them.
Where I am now I am unsure of what goal to pursue. I want to be transparent with my family, but I'd feel safer in doing so once I graduate. I feel that this college degree is like a milestone placed before me to demonstrate to my family that I am ready to live on my own. Despite the praise I have received outside of home, the shadow of doubt and pity looms over me from my family. I realize I am loved, but still feel like a black sheep for the unwarranted judgemental and assuming words I receive. I have been living with my family and serving as much as I can, but I am unsure if I will ever be able to repay the kindness and support I was given.
I enjoy meditation because I like to think about and experience a kind of bliss with shedding the ego and becoming united in the experience that is life. I think I would be more happy if my efforts were more directed towards something more constructive and in-line with this kind of perspective.
But then I think about my family and how they might need my financial support in the future.
I'm coming up to a crossroads, I feel. I hope I make the right choice.
Thank you for reading.
RE: My wanderer story - breakingties - 08-17-2018
Hi Foha, i can trully empathise with your situation. (I was diagnosed with schizofrenia half an year ago, after visual, auditory and tactile hallucinations, being on meds since then; went to the ward 2 times, lost jobs because of anxiety, my parents showing unconditional love and support, so basically i share a similar story with yours)
Sometimes you cant discuss your experiences with everybody, because they don't share your perspective, your life lessons, your point of view, so at the end of the day just trust yourself, trust God, trust yourself as God, take responsability for your actions, and the social memory complex will help you further in your journey.
Co-create with your parents based on their point of view, reflect them, and also pursuit your natural calling for truth, meditating,etc. You can blend these two creations, but also you don't have nothing to demonstrate or prove to anyone.
Trust yourself, cultivate unconditional love and you will be supported. This is what i found through experience in the last 6 months. Hope it helps
RE: My wanderer story - Foha - 08-17-2018
Thank you, breakingties.
I am learning to cherish these kinds of moments when they happen, and not become disappointed when they don't.
I still have a long way to go. What you say definitely resonates with me and my personal experience as well.
RE: My wanderer story - ada - 08-18-2018
I'm not very familiar with bipolarism, beside hearing others in this forum share about it and a bit of reading on the web.
I think that being alone with such a condition is not very healthy, and your parents must have feared for losing you at a certain point in life. Therefore you shouldn't be alone if you're unsure that you can manage, your parents must have some positive effect on you even if you don't realize it, we are social creatures, we need that warmth of safety.
I know it must be difficult for you to be denied of your experiences and be labeled as delusional when you are so sure of what has happened. Though I think you owe them this much if not just for their peace of mind. They most likely just want to know that their child is safe and can walk the world by themselves, at least some day.
A spiritual path isn't always this one metaphysical thing you follow, most times it's actually your normal everyday material life that holds the most potential for growth and polarization.
In any case, you can always talk with us about your experiences and spirituality I believe. Sometimes the best medicine is an open heart sharing and talking with an open mind.
I sometimes tend to feel very isolated and alone just because I know that I cannot openly speak about my views, beliefs and experiences with those around me in everyday life, but then again I try and remind myself that that is my honor and duty. Perhaps that is true to you too, Foha.
Love and Light to you and those around you my friend.
RE: My wanderer story - Foha - 08-18-2018
(08-18-2018, 01:27 AM)blossom Wrote: I know it must be difficult for you to be denied of your experiences and be labeled as delusional when you are so sure of what has happened. Though I think you owe them this much if not just for their peace of mind. They most likely just want to know that their child is safe and can walk the world by themselves, at least some day.
I am very grateful for them. They bless my life.
(08-18-2018, 01:27 AM)blossom Wrote: A spiritual path isn't always this one metaphysical thing you follow, most times it's actually your normal everyday material life that holds the most potential for growth and polarization.
This. Every mistake I make in life just needs me to bend my ear to the little voice saying, "That wasn't quite right. You can do better".
It's taken me a while, but I have finally learned that it doesn't need to seem like a miracle to be eventful in my life. I am noticing subtle things in everyday life that are affected by karma. This makes every event, big or small, a moment full of capacity for learning.
(08-18-2018, 01:27 AM)blossom Wrote: In any case, you can always talk with us about your experiences and spirituality I believe. Sometimes the best medicine is an open heart sharing and talking with an open mind.
I sometimes tend to feel very isolated and alone just because I know that I cannot openly speak about my views, beliefs and experiences with those around me in everyday life, but then again I try and remind myself that that is my honor and duty. Perhaps that is true to you too, Foha.
Love and Light to you and those around you my friend.
I appreciate your kindness.
RE: My wanderer story - Jim Kent + - 08-19-2018
Greetings Foha,
Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story.
I can totally relate to the sentiment you shared above, somehow "knowing" that there is so much more to reality than is often realized has also greatly helped me cope with the sometimes horror of being a contemporary Human.
I hope that you find at least some of what you're looking for in the material and here on this forum.
L & L
Jim
EDIT: I lost the quote in posting, I was referring to this:
"I am grateful I witnessed first-hand that reality is not what it seems. This gives me strength in enduring hardships. Knowing that there is more to life helps me press on."
RE: My wanderer story - Foha - 08-19-2018
(08-19-2018, 05:11 AM)Jim Kent + Wrote: Greetings Foha,
Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story.
I can totally relate to the sentiment you shared above, somehow "knowing" that there is so much more to reality than is often realized has also greatly helped me cope with the sometimes horror of being a contemporary Human.
You are very humble. Hearing that you relate to my story is very important to me.
(08-19-2018, 05:11 AM)Jim Kent + Wrote: I hope that you find at least some of what you're looking for in the material and here on this forum.
I already have! Thank you kindly.
(08-19-2018, 05:11 AM)Jim Kent + Wrote: EDIT: I lost the quote in posting, I was referring to this:
"I am grateful I witnessed first-hand that reality is not what it seems. This gives me strength in enduring hardships. Knowing that there is more to life helps me press on."
Thank you so much, Kent, for the thoughts and the link you share in your signature. The title struck me, since it is titled "The Philosophy of Eternal Unity".
The reason is because...
I recently renewed communication with a very dear friend of mine that moved out of country. He majored in Philosophy, and has recently gotten his Masters in Teaching living abroad in Japan.
I tried bringing up subjects similar to the Law of One in online chat. He wasn't going to have it. I learned that in order to approach him with new ideas and for him to accept my conversation on such topics, it has to be well-grounded in logic and philosophy. I also learned that I do not have an innate talent for describing things with stringent logic like a true philosopher.
What's funny is, despite him shooting down all of my words, I asked him what he currently believes as the nature of reality, and he shared with me that he considers himself Spinozian. (A follower of Spinozizm)
The philosophy of Spinoza follows the book The Ethics, which he says is nearly "mathematical" in its grounding in logical proofs, which lend to the theory of Spinoza's.
The funny part is at a cursory glance, Spinoza's theory is very much in-line with the Law of One.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spinozism
I have to learn more about it, and read The Ethics, but it seems promising in discussing these kinds of thoughts with an academic philosopher.
He has inspired me to possibly continue going to school after graduating to get a degree in Philosophy.
He also kind of stung with his words. I feel like I can't have a heart-to-heart talk with the guy because everything has to be so orderly and well-defined to have any discussion. I feel like he's got a gatekeeper that keeps people like me out of his life. I have to remind myself that hurdles like these can be overcome as well.
Thank you.