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+--- Thread: ET Wanderer...Ben's story. (/showthread.php?tid=165)
ET Wanderer...Ben's story. - bestearth - 02-22-2009
Hello Carla and everyone,
I identify with being a wanderer because of all my false starts in life and the inability to fit in anywhere. I figure that my group must be elsewhere and that even though I pass unnoticed in everyday life I do feel this 'chronic differentness' all the time( phrase from From Elsewhere-Scott Mandelker). It registers as disinterest in the status quo. I have a need to contemplate issues deeply. It's a gift but it's a curse too.
In the Wanderer's Handbook there's a section on “Spiritual Exhaustion". I think that's my situation now after 7 years of searching for a spiritual home, somewhere to belong or even a companion to share the journey.
I was not always spirit minded, it's only been the last 8 years or so since a major illness changed my direction in life. The illness was painful enough to make me question what I took for granted or what I considered 'important' because it paralyzed me for a time. In hospital I had my first metaphysical experiences and being unable to move I spent my time in bed or in a jump chair with a small crane moving me between the two. I battled extreme pain and the fear of being crippled.
One day I thought I was having a fit. I saw black arms reaching from around the bed and pulling me down with a lot of force. All I could see where these black arms and hear the hideous laughing sounds of ghouls. When I saw the nurse walk in I went to scream but my face froze. It was a disturbing experience that made me feel like I was descending into hell for punishment. In delirium I would sob and ask total strangers “What have I done wrong?
I managed with the support of family and friends and my own efforts with visualizations to get better. However, I was mentally a very different person afterwards and my attempts at going back to art school failed. I didn't seem interested in my ambition to be an professional artist anymore, I had more interest in matters of spirit. And the big questions loomed large, Who am I?, What is all this life around us?
A few months after leaving hospital, I had another experience. I had just started learning meditation with the Gnostics at this time. One night while lying in bed, an energy field came to me, I heard it approaching as a buzzing noise in my ears. It locked on and my body started vibrating. Rings of vibration then scanned me. I felt a being above my head and got up on one elbow and said “Is that you?”. No answer, just 'his' presence. Now I see a veil floating in front of my face. A breeze comes through the veil and rolls down my body, I can feel every hair bend. The being reaches out and moves my hands to my heart, right then left, very slowly and carefully. Then he rotated my body left then right and when I came back to centre there was an asian girl in my bed. She was wearing a white dress and her eyes were wide open. I could see through the image, it was like a hologram. The being used my voice to say “Your partner in the game”.
This began a period of 6 months or so of other experiences like floating in space and OBE's. I don't know what it was about but it made me curious to seek more. I had striven all my life with technical ambitions...Science degree, strings of unskilled jobs, aircraft mechanic and pilot and then art school but now I wasn't interested anymore and became a vagabond, traveling around the country and the world seeking answers to my questions. I volunteered at spiritual communities and stayed at ashrams and meditation retreats of all persuasions. It was a time of many new experiences that enriched me in some way. I never danced so much! It was a time of great influences.
Some groups were okay and I had an adaptability that helped but invariably I eventually had to move on because of some incompatibility, the feeling of 'something missing'. My last attempt at finding a spiritual home was with a Buddhist group.
All this makes me think I just don't have the experience to do well in this kind of society. I felt like I have lacked wise guidance all my life and had to experience things first hand. Recently, I feel connected to advanced societies in the cosmos where guidance is more comprehensive and where wisdom holders are more numerous......I read avidly on this subject and exopolitical subjects.
I spent the last two years in severe depression after my last experiences more or less destroyed my trust and confidence in finding my group, I pray for guidance. I have withdrawn a lot and spend most time alone. One psychiatrist tried to put me in a mental hospital. I have symptoms of avolition and problems with focus or goal directed activities and show no interest in mainstream work. I live with my mother and father who are over the moon to have their son back..that's a plus! I just came into contact with The Ra Material and hope to gain insights and meet like minds here.
I do occasional paintings and journal drawings, like photography and writing. Contemplate a lot. I read some of the stories here and everyone has had an interesting life! Maybe we are here to hold an alternative orientation and experience love even though it hasn't been felt to be given. Sometimes I would like things to be simpler and to get my courage back to do something with my life.
Thanks Carla for making this forum available, I enjoyed writing this short rambling and wish you good health too.
Love and Light,
Ben
RE: ET Wanderer...Ben's story. - Monica - 02-24-2009
Wow, Ben, what an amazing story!
Welcome! Perhaps you will feel at home here. Best wishes on your journey!
RE: ET Wanderer...Ben's story. - ayadew - 02-24-2009
Hello Ben.
This is a wonderful story you have shared with us. I had the fortune of stumbling upon the Ra material before travelling about the world finding meaning, and I would likely have done the same as you, to find something to define the great why we all share.
Christianity was not for me, nor was Buddhism, nor was occultism and other things, not individually. But together they have given me peace, for they are only distortions of the oneness of all. The Law of One.
Peace and love, my friend.
RE: ET Wanderer...Ben's story. - Monica - 02-24-2009
(02-24-2009, 04:34 AM)ayadew Wrote: Christianity was not for me, nor was Buddhism, nor was occultism and other things, not individually. But together they have given me peace, for they are only distortions of the oneness of all. The Law of One.
Well said!
RE: ET Wanderer...Ben's story. - fairyfarmgirl - 02-25-2009
Good Greetings Ben:
I too have struggled with integrating into this reality. For most of my life I have been treated with great disrespect and fear. People fear that which is different. I also had a difficult time going with the flow when it was harming others... This led to me to be continuously let go from jobs.
I now have a dear friend and partner who acts as my interface... this is called a task mate or helper mate or with the Generousity of the Universe a Soul Mate. Perhaps if you intend this for yourSelf and things will be easier. I used this meditation to attract and create this experience:
I am open and willing to recieve a helper mate that will assist me to my highest Good with Love and Light as I assist them to their highest Good with Love and Light . I am so happy and grateful now that I have a perfect and good helper mate in my life that is committed to the highest Good for Self and All with Love and Light.
Thank you. So be it.
This is what worked for me... perhaps something like this will work for you.
Also, the black arms. This happens to many wanderers. Because of the interface incompatibility we are open to energies that do not serve us... It is like leaving your front door open for anyone that wants to to come in and take or give for good or ill. We sit with our door open unable to close it when there is something we do not want to experience... something that is not in alignment with our higher purpose... The task is to learn to open and close access to our energy (the door if you will to our house). Discernment is a skill that must be learned sometimes the hard way and with difficult consequences.
The intention: I hail you in the name of the One, True Infinite Creator. I bathe you with Love and Light. Is extremely helpful here as well for the black arms and such especially. We have the ability to create and uncreate any situation. It merely takes focus of mind and emotional center.
Thank you for sharing your story!
--fairyfarmgirl
RE: ET Wanderer...Ben's story. - bestearth - 02-28-2009
Thankyou all for your kind comments and encouragement. I benefited from them.
Yes it is like having the door open and not being discerning enough. Some experiences have seemed disturbing but maybe those in particular quicken the whole inner process. I was involved with a cult once and received a crash course in subtle manipulation techniques. Some were not so subtle but even people with six figure incomes and numerous letters after their name(not I) , fall for them. When something inside says "not right" then that's it...yet these groups use methods to divorce people from their own feelings labeling them as unreliable and such. I'm glad I don't have dependent psychology so much...I really don't understand blind faith even though it's mentioned in the material as beneficial in some cases.
My elder brother is a fundamentalist christian and for years I struggled with his repeated attempts at conversion as my wandering made me look like a lost sheep. I was made to feel guilty and underneath I was extremely angry with him for treating me like I needed fixing. The same old story of people playing a role instead of just acknowledging one's being. That's really all I wanted from anyone. My trusting nature allowed people to penetrate my inner world without asking permission. I thought that being spiritual or enlightened meant being accommodating but I just got more drained. I suffered(maybe still) from the pretentiousness of trying to be so understanding or above it all. Sometimes, I think if you don't like the company your with then there is a responsibility to be true inside. Recently with my brother whom I hadn't seen for a while..visited my parents place where I live now. We sat and he went into his usual patter of "God's coming back to fix all this.." I remained quiet and did not make any eye contact or acknowledgment of what he was saying. Eventually he asked me what I was doing. I said "Studying life on Mars in a NASA photo...there is alot of life there even humans like us and all sorts of beautiful sculptures and other kinds of beings too...it hasn't reached the news yet but it's good to get a preview". When I stopped he started, " Well I have a biblical perspective on this, these extra terrestrials..they want to be like us..they think we are angelic and want our bodies..I've been looking into it.." I let him rant for a while about it, the religious perspective and then said, "I don't care about religion, I don't have any feeling for it at all. I embrace the scientific temperament and acknowledge spirit in all things".
With that it was over. He folded his arms and maybe realized I wasn't open anymore. I had finally learned to shut the doors for once. It was a good feeling. There was an awkward moment then and lunch was over, I turned to say "Well it was nice to catch up with you.. I'm going now."
I didn't get the feeling that I had been disrespectful.
I have much to learn from the characters in my blood family, it's perhaps my greatest challenge but I will be ok. I will be love.
Cheers
Ben.
RE: ET Wanderer...Ben's story. - fairyfarmgirl - 02-28-2009
(02-28-2009, 05:49 AM)bestearth Wrote: Thankyou all for your kind comments and encouragement. I benefited from them.
Yes it is like having the door open and not being discerning enough. Some experiences have seemed disturbing but maybe those in particular quicken the whole inner process.
My elder brother is a fundamentalist christian and for years I struggled with his repeated attempts at conversion as my wandering made me look like a lost sheep. I was made to feel guilty and underneath I was extremely angry with him for treating me like I needed fixing. The same old story of people playing a role instead of just acknowledging one's being. That's really all I wanted from anyone. My trusting nature allowed people to penetrate my inner world without asking permission. I thought that being spiritual or enlightened meant being accommodating but I just got more drained. I suffered(maybe still) from the pretentiousness of trying to be so understanding or above it all.
Recently with my brother whom I hadn't seen for a while..visited my parents place where I live now. We sat and he went into his usual patter of "God's coming back to fix all this.." I remained quiet and did not make any eye contact or acknowledgment of what he was saying. Eventually he asked me what I was doing. I said "Studying life on Mars in a NASA photo...there is alot of life there even humans like us and all sorts of beautiful sculptures and other kinds of beings too...it hasn't reached the news yet but it's good to get a preview". When I stopped he started, " Well I have a biblical perspective on this, these extra terrestrials..they want to be like us..they think we are angelic and want our bodies..I've been looking into it.." I let him rant for a while about it, the religious perspective and then said, "I don't care about religion, I don't have any feeling for it at all. I embrace the scientific temperament and acknowledge spirit in all things".
With that it was over. He folded his arms and maybe realized I wasn't open anymore. I had finally learned to shut the doors for once. It was a good feeling. There was an awkward moment then and lunch was over, I turned to say "Well it was nice to catch up with you.. I'm going now."
I didn't get the feeling that I had been disrespectful.
I have much to learn from the characters in my blood family, it's perhaps my greatest challenge but I will be ok. I will be love.
Cheers
This is good inner work, Ben. I too have a teaching through the trial by fire natal family. I am learning much about loving unconditionally and remaining true and good to mySelf. Loving does mean acceptance but acceptance does not mean being walked all over with disrespect.
I am co-currently studying the teachings of Ghandi. I am finding much that is of assistance in my daily life here as well as of course the Ra material.
fairyfarmgirl