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+--- Thread: Is this a cold decision? (/showthread.php?tid=16666)
Is this a cold decision? - Cainite - 12-02-2018
To cut off people completely from your life if they are seen to be ''toxic'' or whatever? be it a family member or a friend you've been with for a decade
A few of them may not be happy with the departure at all.
I knew I will have second thoughts about this. because I'm a fool sometimes.
Have you ever done this? what are your thoughts?
RE: Is this a cold decision? - RitaJC - 12-02-2018
Oh, I sooooo hear you, Cianite!
Making such decisions never feels easy to a mostly STO oriented ones. Physical and emotional separation feels so unnatural.
But I believe also that, sometimes, it is not only necessary but even a service of the utmost LOVE, to our individuated expressions, to the expressions we cut off, to everybody involved, to all of creation, and to the Creator.
And, sometimes, it's just a way to postpone some growing experience. But I believe that's OK as well.
What is meant to happen will happen, one way or another. And there is never such thing as a mistake.
Just the Creator experiencing it/him/herself in a particular way
RE: Is this a cold decision? - ada - 12-02-2018
I don't think it's a cold decision, as I believe that you don't actually 'cut off' anyone out entirely. Maybe on a physical level, and that holds a great amount of love in the metaphysical. So, if you can do it out of love for both of you, I think it's perfectly fine. We all need some space to heal and nurture.
RE: Is this a cold decision? - EvolvingPhoenix - 12-02-2018
(12-02-2018, 03:28 AM)Cainite Wrote: To cut off people completely from your life if they are seen to be ''toxic'' or whatever? be it a family member or a friend you've been with for a decade
A few of them may not be happy with the departure at all.
I knew I will have second thoughts about this. because I'm a fool sometimes.
Have you ever done this? what are your thoughts?
I've been on the receiving end of this and having been on the receiving end, I would NEVER put somebody else through it. There have got to be ways to enforce boundaries without cutting someone out of your life completely.
RE: Is this a cold decision? - EvolvingPhoenix - 12-02-2018
(12-02-2018, 07:48 AM)blossom Wrote: I don't think it's a cold decision, as I believe that you don't actually 'cut off' anyone out entirely. Maybe on a physical level, and that holds a great amount of love in the metaphysical. So, if you can do it out of love for both of you, I think it's perfectly fine. We all need some space to heal and nurture.
Blossom have you ever been on the receiving end of this treatment? There is no "loving" way to cut someone out of your life completely. And trust me, to be cut off on the physical level is painful enough! I know first hand.
RE: Is this a cold decision? - ada - 12-02-2018
(12-02-2018, 01:02 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote:(12-02-2018, 07:48 AM)blossom Wrote: I don't think it's a cold decision, as I believe that you don't actually 'cut off' anyone out entirely. Maybe on a physical level, and that holds a great amount of love in the metaphysical. So, if you can do it out of love for both of you, I think it's perfectly fine. We all need some space to heal and nurture.
Blossom have you ever been on the receiving end of this treatment? There is no "loving" way to cut someone out of your life completely. And trust me, to be cut off on the physical level is painful enough! I know first hand.
Of course I have.. I had a fiancee of almost 4 years. Trust me, I know.
RE: Is this a cold decision? - EvolvingPhoenix - 12-02-2018
Fair enough. But having been on the receiving end of this treatment my outlook on it has changed considerably. I wouldn't wanna put anybody through what I went through.
RE: Is this a cold decision? - Cainite - 12-02-2018
(12-02-2018, 01:13 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: Fair enough. But having been on the receiving end of this treatment my outlook on it has changed considerably. I wouldn't wanna put anybody through what I went through.
I feel you, mate.
I'm sorry for what has happened to you.
In my case.. they don't love me that much to suffer as u do.. but they're lonely still.
I also went through that too.. when someone left the country, I was troubled but then she returned. now I don't like her as much..
RE: Is this a cold decision? - EvolvingPhoenix - 12-02-2018
Also I'm sorry to hear that blossom. That must've been rough.
RE: Is this a cold decision? - EvolvingPhoenix - 12-02-2018
Blossom, if you feel like talking about what happened between you and your fiancé just PM me. I'm there for you man.
RE: Is this a cold decision? - EvolvingPhoenix - 12-02-2018
Thanks Cainite. I appreciate the support.
RE: Is this a cold decision? - flofrog - 12-02-2018
Oh I think it’s a sane decision and I always see it as temporary because life changes anyway. I think it happens also as receiver to every one, you are in pain but then you feel it’s ok there was probably a major reason in their shoes, and then it gets much easier.
RE: Is this a cold decision? - EvolvingPhoenix - 12-02-2018
Don't shut them out completely. Let them have a chance to reconcile. Listen to their apologies and let them have another chance. Never cut them out completely with no hope for redemption. I know how it feels to be treated that way and it's painful. Very painful.
RE: Is this a cold decision? - Glow - 12-02-2018
Only you know the specifics Cainite with each individual you are considering cutting off.
I have had to cut a few off but like EP mentioned there were chances with boundaries clearly layed out, each case turned out different and only one is truly cut off now because others learned to work within boundaries of what was kind/healthy.
Even the one who is still n/c if they did come and truly offer their half of a healthy relationship I would try again. Only you know what you can handle, what will allow your heart to heal.
I would say like EP having been cut off it truly was worse than death. Like mourning the death daily of someone who still lives and you deeply love. I would offer that to others only when necessary.
Thankfully it didn’t last more than a year in my case before they came back and the person had cut everyone off I wasn’t being punished just collateral damage. Still the pain was immense.
Even now the friendship mended there is still baggage I have to carry/heal from having one of my closest loved ones disappear by their own free will.
Just be compassionate to yourself and if possible consider each individual separately.
You are a thoughtful intelligent person. I know you can decide who is salvageable or who may not be. Life is hard. I wish you many loving and co-nurturing relationship to get you through.
Sorry you are even having to contemplate this. You must be in a tough spot.
RE: Is this a cold decision? - MangusKhan - 12-02-2018
I once took it upon myself to mete out justice against a certain friend who was of a chronically harmful and unrepentant disposition (especially towards our mutual friends, whom I had come to feel a responsibility for) by suddenly informing him that he no longer had any place in my life. My childhood friend, he was cut deeply by this cold act. Then, through a chain of events, I forgave him and allowed him into my life just before his girlfriend dumped him and he hit absolute rock bottom. I then nurtured his broken heart and made him realise the great importance of friends who will never leave you, and of being a loyal and respectful friend. Now we are back on terms of almost complete mutual respect, and our friendship is much deeper than before.
So, in closing, consider if this person is actually "cut-offable", because if you have chosen to incarnate together to work through the lower triad, then you may find that you simply cannot get rid of them, and that forgiveness, acceptance and resolution are the only options.
RE: Is this a cold decision? - xise - 12-02-2018
(12-02-2018, 03:28 AM)Cainite Wrote: To cut off people completely from your life if they are seen to be ''toxic'' or whatever? be it a family member or a friend you've been with for a decade
A few of them may not be happy with the departure at all.
I knew I will have second thoughts about this. because I'm a fool sometimes.
Have you ever done this? what are your thoughts?
Usually, I think it's more loving to think of it as a long break (and probably word it as such).
People can and do change over the course of years.
I think it's healthy to set boundaries and temporarily break contact (even for extended periods) if the person is on a path that contradicts yours. But it's good to be open to a different future. The finality of cutting one off from another permanently in these cases often seems to be intermixed with judgment, because we never can know how a person will use their free will to change in the distant future.
That being said, I think in a non-ideal world of forcing to choose between continued contact or a permanent break, a permanent break can be healthier than continued contact with a currently toxic individual. Though I think a long break is best (can be years).
RE: Is this a cold decision? - Cainite - 12-03-2018
Thanks for the replies everyone.
As I was reading your posts, suddenly something I can't describe happened in my mind. it then linked itself to a dream I had (not recently). the dream was about close relationships. I had this very good friend and even though we were in a hostile area, I was enjoying the dream.
He fought some people for me. I could do it myself but I chose to not do it.. he was angered. this always happens with my friend in reality actually.. she gets very angry when people are rude to me and specially when I respond with generosity and remain silent.
RE: Is this a cold decision? - Cainite - 12-05-2018
I'm still processing this catalyst. and I feel I shall have to deal with it for a while..
my current attitude : as the creator, we're worthy of the highest things but should still be tolerant of imperfections like selfishness but avoid seeking close relationships with selfish people.
So I've been advising my mother to avoid her crazy sister.
And she advised me to not avoid my sister's husband.
She's very simple and unaware of the politics of other people.
Maybe I need to see more ''positively'' as she said.. but I rather not force it. it always backfires when I do that.
RE: Is this a cold decision? - Tae - 12-07-2018
I had a best friend for over a decade who cut me out. It was absolutely cold, harder on me than any of the family deaths I've had because it was something I felt I should have had some control over. I now never have the gumption to stand up for myself even when someone SHOULD be cut; I only ghost or try maintain shallow contact when required.
I feel that cinema has crafted this image of the dramatic scene where people cut ties with each other... dramatizing avoidance instead of actionable solutions or just patience. So it is that I don't seek close relationships with people who bring my energy down but I still permit them in and out of my life unless they're exceptionally dangerous. And most people, I feel, don't have people in their lives who are dangerous so much as just annoying.
Abusive narcissist? Yes! Cut them out! Shallow conversationalist with very different interests who never goes anywhere you find stimulating? Have a five minute chat with them at Christmas dinner or when you bump into them at the grocery store because you both run out of bread at about the same time and oh my gosh isn't that funny, have you tried her SPIN CLASS YET...
Let's be fair, some people are awful and should be cut. Others are just mismatched with your personality.
Yet I, after being very hurt by something my next best friend did, got over myself, call her back, and fix it.
It seems to me to be a violation of free will and causality to say 'I will never speak to this person again'. I have people I don't like and never let them know this. Instead, I simply change how my life is scheduled to decrease the chances I will run into their influence and remain polite and hospitable if we do meet again. If there is conflict and that conflict is unnecessary, I usually chose to bend and flex around it.
And people are always changing. So you know what's best for you in the moment and if what's best for you is to not be around their energy, then don't. But maybe they'll drift back in. You really can't know what the future has in store.
RE: Is this a cold decision? - Anodyne - 12-15-2018
(12-02-2018, 03:28 AM)Cainite Wrote: Have you ever done this? what are your thoughts?
I have, and it's rough.
A decision like this is never made simply or easily. I personally tried everything I could to reconcile beforehand - gave them many "chances" before taking the final action. They did not comprehend the kindness or leniency I gave. When I cut them out, it was wounding to them. I grieved for their pain.
But! If taking adequate care of one's own self is NOT considered, we will not have the health to continue in service to others.
The toxic ones would prevent us from healing and being healed. That seems to be a goal they have, whether conscious or unconscious.
RE: Is this a cold decision? - Anodyne - 12-15-2018
(12-07-2018, 06:50 AM)Tae Wrote: Abusive narcissist? Yes! Cut them out! Shallow conversationalist with very different interests who never goes anywhere you find stimulating? Have a five minute chat with them at Christmas dinner or when you bump into them at the grocery store because you both run out of bread at about the same time and oh my gosh isn't that funny, have you tried her SPIN CLASS YET...
This.
RE: Is this a cold decision? - Cainite - 12-16-2018
(12-15-2018, 09:43 PM)Anodyne Wrote:(12-02-2018, 03:28 AM)Cainite Wrote: Have you ever done this? what are your thoughts?
I have, and it's rough.
A decision like this is never made simply or easily. I personally tried everything I could to reconcile beforehand - gave them many "chances" before taking the final action. They did not comprehend the kindness or leniency I gave. When I cut them out, it was wounding to them. I grieved for their pain.
But! If taking adequate care of one's own self is NOT considered, we will not have the health to continue in service to others.
The toxic ones would prevent us from healing and being healed. That seems to be a goal they have, whether conscious or unconscious.
True.. and they can only take and rarely give. even in exchange of what they're taking..
So some days ago, I took advantage of this. somebody like that was talking to me online, then he decides to come here and use my PC to record something.. and also take video games from me. then I said ''Ok, that way, while you're here, I can use your instrument for some recordings of my own too'' that's when I knew he will disappear and never mention comming here again... and that's exactly what happened.
RE: Is this a cold decision? - EvolvingPhoenix - 12-16-2018
A lot of painful things to have to hear while reading these. I should be grateful though that the friendship breakup is bringing about these realizations in me. I just find myself thinking "If only I could reconcile now that I've changed" You know? That's why I say never shut someone out completely. Let them grow and change and consider that maybe, with enough time down the line, they can be accepted again as friends. Anodyne, you don't know how much that friend may have grown and changed since the friend dumping. Perhaps you should contact them again and see? I know I'm not the same person I was 3 months ago, much less a year ago, which is about how long it's been since I was friend dumped. Much of what you say about your friend is true for me, but I changed. Never lose faith in somebody and their ability to change.