(03-19-2020, 12:50 AM)Black Dragon Wrote: I'm going through a really rough time now, as I have been for some years and it seems to just stay the same or get worse and not better. I've been in a weird and prolonged dark night of the soul type experience where I've learned to sort of live day to day as best in a completely broken down, weakened, and extra sensitized form for a number of years. It would be a hell of a lot to post my whole "wanderer story", or completely and properly explain all of my problems. Just know that I'm facing my shadow self right now in a prolonged DNS situation, and it seems like a losing battle. In fact, it's like this situation is consuming or has consumed all that is good in me, and my shadow is the only thing tough enough to even remain or survive in tact. I'm so full of hatred(at least the closest thing to real hatred a person dedicated to STO can feel) that's completely in the way of my true self shining through. I'll admit it. I've posted some stuff here before that may sound a bit confident, intellectual, ETC., but I never claimed adepthood, perfection or to have all the answers...on the contrary I'll freely admit to being quite flawed and in a bad place right now.

My hatred is mostly at authority that I find to be heartless and unloving, distant, manipulative, and mechanistic. This is the Earth governments and elite, secret societies, and all the ET and extra dimensional beings who came in our past and spawned all of our religions, secret societies, etc. I hate the solar guardians of this solar system who keep us oppressed and judge us from their seats of comfort and ease aboard craft or other dimensions, those judgmental cunts who have never had an Earth life and can't relate to our emotions. I want to meet new ET's who do not belong to the groups from our past who created all our problems and abandoned us and left us holding the bag, then judged us for it to boot. I want them to f*** off and never return. I think most humans, as flawed as they are, are more heart-centered and worthy of the power and technology these worthless, mechanistic beings posses. I feel the system of polarity as it currently stands creates way too much misery and no real progress, which is a way for lazy self-serving beings to feed indefinitely off of our misery. It's a broken system by and for dumbasses, and I'm smarter and better than it, even from my 3d human flawed perspective, because these beings have no emotions and no love, no matter how mechanically "perfect" they seem.

I feel abandoned and used like a chess piece by my "guides", whatever ET's I'm connected to, ETC. I feel they are all incapable of real love and relating to life on earth because they have it easy and judge us yet never had to deal with the life we do. I am not some expendable, martyr piece of s*** who's only purpose here is to suffer. To a universe that treats me and all I hold dear like s***, why should I react nice? Why should I smile at a creator that squeezes my "physical orange ray bits" mercilessly in its fist and feeds off my agony? Its like some idea of boot camp like it can abuse me into being a nice person. f*** that. You s*** on all my joy, then I refuse to play this game. f*** their mechanistic versions of what it is to be STO, their little martyr sheep crap is just one piece of a two piece system for generating MISERY.

These beings will interfere(and have) to CREATE problems for us, but interfering to SOLVE them would be interference . The beings seem to be such worthless mechanistic pieces of s***, and I know there's a part of me that's as big and powerful as they are or more, but I'm stuck at their mercy(or lack of it more accurately) in this shitty human body and mind. I guess that's part of where some of the requisite self-hatred to even feel this bad comes from.

So please, I'm sorry if this rant is offensive to anyone, but I'm being real about how I feel, as messed up as it is. I just want to feel like I'm loved, that there is real good out there, and that somebody actually cares about me in the grand scheme of things, beyond my use to them as a chess piece in their stupid fucking polarity games. I'm tired of dogmas and mechanistic s***, I want to feel that real, hear-centered love is out there. There can't be ALL bad out there, so its probably not that there's a lack of love so much as I myself am blocked and not open to receiving it. I feel like I've had too much misery piled on me in this life to handle or be of any use or service to others, but no helping hand to ease any of it.

Please pray for me. I'm fighting so hard but the hardest fight is to stop fighting. I try to start working with myself using a mental health concept known as ACT as a basis and incorporating spirituality and other stuff, and I know deep down there's something useful here, but the modality involves acceptance...which is something I'm struggling with so much right now.

(03-19-2020, 04:38 AM)RitaJC Wrote:

(03-19-2020, 12:50 AM)Black Dragon Wrote: I'm going through a really rough time now, as I have been for some years and it seems to just stay the same or get worse and not better. I've been in a weird and prolonged dark night of the soul type experience where I've learned to sort of live day to day as best in a completely broken down, weakened, and extra sensitized form for a number of years. It would be a hell of a lot to post my whole "wanderer story", or completely and properly explain all of my problems. Just know that I'm facing my shadow self right now in a prolonged DNS situation, and it seems like a losing battle. In fact, it's like this situation is consuming or has consumed all that is good in me, and my shadow is the only thing tough enough to even remain or survive in tact. I'm so full of hatred(at least the closest thing to real hatred a person dedicated to STO can feel) that's completely in the way of my true self shining through. I'll admit it. I've posted some stuff here before that may sound a bit confident, intellectual, ETC., but I never claimed adepthood, perfection or to have all the answers...on the contrary I'll freely admit to being quite flawed and in a bad place right now.

My hatred is mostly at authority that I find to be heartless and unloving, distant, manipulative, and mechanistic. This is the Earth governments and elite, secret societies, and all the ET and extra dimensional beings who came in our past and spawned all of our religions, secret societies, etc. I hate the solar guardians of this solar system who keep us oppressed and judge us from their seats of comfort and ease aboard craft or other dimensions, those judgmental cunts who have never had an Earth life and can't relate to our emotions. I want to meet new ET's who do not belong to the groups from our past who created all our problems and abandoned us and left us holding the bag, then judged us for it to boot. I want them to f*** off and never return. I think most humans, as flawed as they are, are more heart-centered and worthy of the power and technology these worthless, mechanistic beings posses. I feel the system of polarity as it currently stands creates way too much misery and no real progress, which is a way for lazy self-serving beings to feed indefinitely off of our misery. It's a broken system by and for dumbasses, and I'm smarter and better than it, even from my 3d human flawed perspective, because these beings have no emotions and no love, no matter how mechanically "perfect" they seem.

I feel abandoned and used like a chess piece by my "guides", whatever ET's I'm connected to, ETC. I feel they are all incapable of real love and relating to life on earth because they have it easy and judge us yet never had to deal with the life we do. I am not some expendable, martyr piece of s*** who's only purpose here is to suffer. To a universe that treats me and all I hold dear like s***, why should I react nice? Why should I smile at a creator that squeezes my "physical orange ray bits" mercilessly in its fist and feeds off my agony? Its like some idea of boot camp like it can abuse me into being a nice person. f*** that. You s*** on all my joy, then I refuse to play this game. f*** their mechanistic versions of what it is to be STO, their little martyr sheep crap is just one piece of a two piece system for generating MISERY.

These beings will interfere(and have) to CREATE problems for us, but interfering to SOLVE them would be interference . The beings seem to be such worthless mechanistic pieces of s***, and I know there's a part of me that's as big and powerful as they are or more, but I'm stuck at their mercy(or lack of it more accurately) in this shitty human body and mind. I guess that's part of where some of the requisite self-hatred to even feel this bad comes from.

So please, I'm sorry if this rant is offensive to anyone, but I'm being real about how I feel, as messed up as it is. I just want to feel like I'm loved, that there is real good out there, and that somebody actually cares about me in the grand scheme of things, beyond my use to them as a chess piece in their stupid fucking polarity games. I'm tired of dogmas and mechanistic s***, I want to feel that real, hear-centered love is out there. There can't be ALL bad out there, so its probably not that there's a lack of love so much as I myself am blocked and not open to receiving it. I feel like I've had too much misery piled on me in this life to handle or be of any use or service to others, but no helping hand to ease any of it.

Please pray for me. I'm fighting so hard but the hardest fight is to stop fighting. I try to start working with myself using a mental health concept known as ACT as a basis and incorporating spirituality and other stuff, and I know deep down there's something useful here, but the modality involves acceptance...which is something I'm struggling with so much right now.

I hear you loud and clear. Been there for decades. Not any more. I'm pretty sure I can help you.

Interested? Drop me a PM and let's talk (no strings attached)

(03-19-2020, 04:36 AM)zvonimir Wrote: Idkn what has come to this world in last 2years ,getting nothing but rejections,pain and suffering .and no matter how much i try to help and fix this broken life i end up breaking even more then i fixed or helped,dark mode ,phase whatever is called ,am done with it ,lost the will to participate in this

Thinking about you dragon and praying but honestly with no reserve i dont want anyone to pray for me i just want this to end and never to return to this planet again ...lost the will to put 1 more letter here....

(03-19-2020, 04:02 PM)Aion Wrote: It's not unusual how you feel, I think I've seen this exact post from a dozen or two other individuals across the span of this forum. I may have made it myself in the past. That isn't to diminish what you are experiencing but rather to point to perhaps a common condition and experience being shared between different individuated consciousnesses.

All I think I can say on this matter is that the way is through the shadow, not in it. Yet it will give you many false lights to follow. Look only to silence and listen only to your own voice as you command it to speak, negating all others.

You may benefit from the Heart Sutra:

The Insight that Brings Us to the Other Shore

Avalokiteshvara
while practicing deeply with
the Insight that Brings Us to the Other Shore,
suddenly discovered that
all of the five Skandhas are equally empty,
and with this realisation
he overcame all Ill-being.

“Listen Sariputra,
this Body itself is Emptiness
and Emptiness itself is this Body.
This Body is not other than Emptiness
and Emptiness is not other than this Body.
The same is true of Feelings,
Perceptions, Mental Formations,
and Consciousness.

“Listen Sariputra,
all phenomena bear the mark of Emptiness;
their true nature is the nature of
no Birth no Death,
no Being no Non-being,
no Defilement no Purity,
no Increasing no Decreasing.

“That is why in Emptiness,
Body, Feelings, Perceptions,
Mental Formations and Consciousness
are not separate self entities.

The Eighteen Realms of Phenomena
which are the six Sense Organs,
the six Sense Objects,
and the six Consciousnesses
are also not separate self entities.

The Twelve Links of Interdependent Arising
and their Extinction
are also not separate self entities.
Ill-being, the Causes of Ill-being,
the End of Ill-being, the Path,
insight and attainment,
are also not separate self entities.

Whoever can see this
no longer needs anything to attain.

Bodhisattvas who practice
the Insight that Brings Us to the Other Shore
see no more obstacles in their mind,
and because there
are no more obstacles in their mind,
they can overcome all fear,
destroy all wrong perceptions
and realize Perfect Nirvana.

“All Buddhas in the past, present and future
by practicing
the Insight that Brings Us to the Other Shore
are all capable of attaining
Authentic and Perfect Enlightenment.

“Therefore Sariputra,
it should be known that
the Insight that Brings Us to the Other Shore
is a Great Mantra,
the most illuminating mantra,
the highest mantra,
a mantra beyond compare,
the True Wisdom that has the power
to put an end to all kinds of suffering.
Therefore let us proclaim
a mantra to praise
the Insight that Brings Us to the Other Shore.

Gate, Gate, Paragate, Parasamgate, Bodhi Svaha!
Gate, Gate, Paragate, Parasamgate, Bodhi Svaha!
Gate, Gate, Paragate, Parasamgate, Bodhi Svaha!”

https://plumvillage.org/about/thich-nhat-hanh/letters/thich-nhat-hanh-new-heart-sutra-translation/

Quote:First time users often say that MDMA was a lot of fun, as expected…but it also left them changed in some small way. They viewed the world with a little more optimism. They viewed themselves and their lives with more compassion. They were more able to be open and trusting of others. There is, of course, a good neurological reason for this: Part of MDMA’s effect is to enhance learning mechanisms in your brain (or, as the animal behavioralists might put it, “MDMA enhances the acquisition of conditioned responses.”) Almost every experience we have in life becomes part of us, recorded in our brains as algorithms and weighted variables about who and what we are and what the world around us is. A traumatic experience can profoundly damage that sense of self and perspective on the world. By the same token, an ecstatic experience (to use the religious sense of the word) can elevate and expand it. For someone who doubts whether they deserve to be loved, what is it worth to know with every fiber of your being that you are loved? For someone who has suffered horribly, what is it worth to find a moment of perfect peace and grace?

MDMA can be a religious experience without the religion. It doesn’t tell people what to think or believe or do: It shows them a glimpse of what the human experience is capable of being like. MDMA can bring out the best in the human soul.

That feeling of rightness and peace will fade over the coming days and weeks, but that doesn’t mean it has to go away completely. An ecstatic experience will always be a part of you in some small way, regardless of how it was produced.

(03-19-2020, 06:39 PM)Minyatur Wrote: Well the first thing I'd like to point out is the Law of One. You seem to be separating beings a lot and in the idea that this would be a paradox of some sort then it is somewhat a dead end in resolving things. The other thing is that you seem to make a whole lot of assumptions about beings you probably know very little about. While I don't think it is inexcusable per say, it does seem to me somewhat insincere in addressing one's own anger. It might be easier to release it if you address it as being just your own anger, rather than justify it to remain through external actors.

Regarding unconditional love, I am not sure if this is a suggestion you will like, but I would recommend trying MDMA. Not ecstasy/molly/whatever, but the actual white as-pure-as-you-can-find-it MDMA. There is a lot of information about it on the web, so you can read about what it can enable you to experience.

Having experienced it, this article seemed not bad in explaining things about it:
https://thedea.org/mdma-ecstasy-molly-users-guide/after-the-high/

Quote:First time users often say that MDMA was a lot of fun, as expected…but it also left them changed in some small way. They viewed the world with a little more optimism. They viewed themselves and their lives with more compassion. They were more able to be open and trusting of others. There is, of course, a good neurological reason for this: Part of MDMA’s effect is to enhance learning mechanisms in your brain (or, as the animal behavioralists might put it, “MDMA enhances the acquisition of conditioned responses.”) Almost every experience we have in life becomes part of us, recorded in our brains as algorithms and weighted variables about who and what we are and what the world around us is. A traumatic experience can profoundly damage that sense of self and perspective on the world. By the same token, an ecstatic experience (to use the religious sense of the word) can elevate and expand it. For someone who doubts whether they deserve to be loved, what is it worth to know with every fiber of your being that you are loved? For someone who has suffered horribly, what is it worth to find a moment of perfect peace and grace?

MDMA can be a religious experience without the religion. It doesn’t tell people what to think or believe or do: It shows them a glimpse of what the human experience is capable of being like. MDMA can bring out the best in the human soul.

That feeling of rightness and peace will fade over the coming days and weeks, but that doesn’t mean it has to go away completely. An ecstatic experience will always be a part of you in some small way, regardless of how it was produced.

To me MDMA really opens the heart ray and enables a deep sense of empathy toward both yourself and others. If you try this approach, I would deeply suggest that at some point you try to empty your thoughts and just deeply focus on your breathing/heart, this might very well be the nicest thing you will have experienced in your life and might just be what you are looking for. In this state, it's like breathing sanctifies and purifies your being.

(03-19-2020, 12:50 AM)Black Dragon Wrote: Just know that I'm facing my shadow self right now....

(03-20-2020, 02:08 AM)peregrine Wrote:

(03-19-2020, 12:50 AM)Black Dragon Wrote: Just know that I'm facing my shadow self right now....

If you desire more feedback, amigo, I would say that "shadow" is the operative term, but that you are not facing it, you are enacting it.

Recognition that it is in play is a step forward.  Learning your relationship to it is the next step. 

Acting it out can feel important in terms of loosening the flow of pent up rage, but the more serious work, I would suggest, is done when one is past that particular stage.  It's done softly and graciously because at that point you have a lot more respect for all involved.  And I can say from personal experience that it can take decades or lifetimes to discover the meaning of softness and graciousness in this context.  Just look back on this in forty years and you'll see what I mean.
 
  

(03-20-2020, 02:22 AM)Black Dragon Wrote: ...now it's high noon for the "more serious work" to begin.

(03-20-2020, 03:21 AM)peregrine Wrote:

(03-20-2020, 02:22 AM)Black Dragon Wrote: ...now it's high noon for the "more serious work" to begin.

Just curious, what does that mean to you?  What do you see as the high value work?  Particularly as it relates to your raging, shadowed impulses?  How can you combine the beauty and the poison without killing yourself?
  
  

(03-20-2020, 03:42 AM)Black Dragon Wrote: Rationally I'm there, emotionally I'm trailing a bit, but I intend to bring that into balance(the left and right hemispheres or my brain don't always make a good team, so I need to work to get them on the same page, one thing I found so far is binaural beats), and intent is a strong thing. My intent and will towards honest self-reflection and change are already a starting point.

(03-20-2020, 09:39 AM)peregrine Wrote:

(03-20-2020, 03:42 AM)Black Dragon Wrote: Rationally I'm there, emotionally I'm trailing a bit, but I intend to bring that into balance(the left and right hemispheres or my brain don't always make a good team, so I need to work to get them on the same page, one thing I found so far is binaural beats), and intent is a strong thing. My intent and will towards honest self-reflection and change are already a starting point.

  
  
Um, yeah.  Well, you're still outmatched.

Your nice words are as nice as your mean words are mean.  I don't think the dichotomy is between your hemispheres.

It appears that you don't have a good map of the playing field.  And you don't really seem to have much of a sense of your opponent.  You seem to feel that this matter can be approached directly because you can see it all because you're so aware of what you can see and all of that is visible, and you just might be fooling yourself because you cannot yet really see into the darkness.  Although it can play you like a sock puppet, that's not the same as sharing intimacy, my friend.  Your opponent knows you far better than you know him, so whom do really expect will run the show?
  
  

(03-20-2020, 08:11 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: No need to post your fucking life story.

Here's what I'm learning that Agua tried to tell me YEARS AGO and I chose to be too ruled by my fear to listen:

Until you come face to face with your deepest fears and PROCESS THEM by feeling them fully, you won't do much if ANYTHING about all that other crap. You only go through the STO motions until you get that kinda crap in order. Until I heal that, NOTHING ELSE I DO will really have much meaning for me, and the same goes for you.

Thia self pitying victim talk is EXACTLY what I am storing in MY OWN sacral chakra. I'm just hiding it from myself lately. That's why I got so fed up with the self I saw in Rinzler. Fact is, MOST PEOPLE have this problem: f***** up lower chakras, closing the heart, making the higher chakras mostly useless at best, making any REAL progress a wet dream and basically being ruled by fear, as their tiny comfort zone diminishes. Why? Because they refuse to process the emotions that traumatized them. I do nit need to really exoerience the initial truama I don't think. Just the emotions suppressed from it. Same goes for you and most other people. This WHOLE PLANET has been ritually tortured, broken and driven insane. Now is the tine to take our power back, and it starts by facing our fears.

Your solution, amd humanity's solution in general, is the same as mine: face your fear and then get rid of your sluggishness.

The fear comes first. Most likely a fear if death, faced and processed. Then the will to truly live.

There's your answer and mine as well. I just saved you time.

Find a harmless way to completely engulf yourself in your fear. Public speaking works for most. For me, cold approaching a beautiful woman, for some it is a fear of the dark. s***, that's comparatively EASY. Whatever it is, find a way to put yourself REPEATEDLY in situations that make you wanna piss yourself but aren't actually dangerous. Right now, anything that involves breaking quarantine is a no-go. But that doesn't mean you can't find a way to do it at home.

That's my current number one goal. Make it yours as well. Might as well, because until quarantine ends, you're stuck inside.

(03-20-2020, 01:49 PM)Black Dragon Wrote: I never said this would be a simple or necessarily straight-forward process. If your tone continues to be interrogative, condescending, dismissive, and worst of all discouraging, I don't know if continued discourse with you will be beneficial, or if I'll just be wasting my breath on somebody who judges the entirety of my knowledge and character off of a rant that came from my shadow side. It seems to me you've already written me off, have nothing constructive to say to me and nothing I say or do from this point forward will change that. I don't need your approval, I only need to do my work. If you are trying to get a rise out of me to make a point, you can pat yourself on the back, because it's working just a tiny bit, I am finding this aspect quite frustrating conversing with you. Maybe that's just the way I'm perceiving it due to my own issues, or maybe you do have a bit of a superiority complex. I think it's now time for you to be the one to clarify your own intent and sincerity. Are you here to help me, or to chide, condescend, and discourage me?

(03-20-2020, 11:41 PM)peregrine Wrote:

(03-20-2020, 01:49 PM)Black Dragon Wrote: I never said this would be a simple or necessarily straight-forward process. If your tone continues to be interrogative, condescending, dismissive, and worst of all discouraging, I don't know if continued discourse with you will be beneficial, or if I'll just be wasting my breath on somebody who judges the entirety of my knowledge and character off of a rant that came from my shadow side. It seems to me you've already written me off, have nothing constructive to say to me and nothing I say or do from this point forward will change that. I don't need your approval, I only need to do my work. If you are trying to get a rise out of me to make a point, you can pat yourself on the back, because it's working just a tiny bit, I am finding this aspect quite frustrating conversing with you. Maybe that's just the way I'm perceiving it due to my own issues, or maybe you do have a bit of a superiority complex. I think it's now time for you to be the one to clarify your own intent and sincerity. Are you here to help me, or to chide, condescend, and discourage me?

I'm purely focused here on the matter of encompassing one's shadow because that's a very high value matter for me.  I don't mean to discourage you, just to focus on the work, not on your emotional needs.  Maybe that's the wrong approach?