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+--- Thread: One step at a time (/showthread.php?tid=990)
One step at a time - MIstyDawn - 03-05-2010
Hello everyone.
I have been looking through your forums for about the last week now and decided it was time to announce myself. So I made an account and here I am
My name is Misty and I'm 22 -Waves-
I just want to say that you all seem like VERY amazing people and I'm very happy to have been shown this forum. I feel like its time for me to share with you so I can grown and learn. Just putting it out in the open makes me feel like I have the power to achieve.
Here goes -takes a deep breath-
I was sheltered. Never went anywhere or did anything and if I did it was with my mom.
My father was mentally abusive and I would get depressed when I saw other girls who had the relationship I wanted with my father. I wanted to be daddys little girl. I felt out of place and very lonely.
At age 13 I started to become a woman. My period arrived and so did my desire to be wanted/needed/loved. I had a void and I wanted it filled. I looked for something and found a boyfriend. He pushed me to be sexual. I gave in, I wanted his attention and it was the only way he would be around me. After I was done pleasing his sexual desire he would leave and go do something else. Leaving my hurt and alone. So I adapted and started to become more aggressive to urge him to stay and give him false hopes that more would go on if he did so. I was lucky to have never gone as far as losing my virginity to him. But I did EVERYTHING else. Eventually I started to like it. I felt less abused and started to enjoy it. It filled my void. I saw this as love. My parents didn't show each other affection around me. I saw them hug maybe once a day. They constantly fought and my dad was as mean to her as he was me and my brother. I continued to seek this sexual energy I saw as love from other boyfriends. It soon wasn't enough for me anymore and I started seeking it from women; then porn. But I was still empty.
I met my last boyfriend online ( almost a year and half ago). Where I spent most of my time. Flirting with others and seeking their sexual energy. I felt something from this person I had NEVER felt from anyone else in my life. He didn't seem to care about my sexual energy and cared about me as a person. I felt appreciated, admired, and loved. I however, did not know this at the time. I felt this amazing feeling and that's all I thought it was. Love to me was sexual energy. So I also seeked it from him. I neglected him because I wanted to be sexual. I put all my love into that. He eventually had enough and stopped caring about me as a girlfriend (who could blame him). I knew that the way I was acting was disrespectful to myself. It wasn't love, seeking it and giving it was only hurting me. Now I feel like all the love I should be able to show now is trapped in the girl I used to be. I don't feel any connection with that person i once was and hardly feel like it was even me.
I don't think I would of even realized this if it wasn't for my last boyfriend. He helped show me there was more to me than sex. We live together but are not in a relationship together. We share a room. I still feel very empty and he has tried to help me by telling me I need to love myself and stop focusing on him. I'm having a really hard time doing this. I still feel like I need him, like I want him. I can't respect his boundaries.
I really do love him, which I don't think I can say for anyone else I have ever been with. I don't feel nearly as much love for my family as I do him. I need to learn to be strong for myself, I need to learn to love myself. So I can properly love him. Whether it continue to be friendly or other. I have to learn to love now. Which I think I should of learned how to do when I was 13.
I'm struggling through this and am desperately looking for answers within myself so I can fix this and be a better person for me.
Thanks for listening
-Misty
RE: One step at a time - Peregrinus - 03-05-2010
Hi Misty, welcome to a retreat from the illusory world. Here you enter the gates of sanctity, of peace, and of limitless love and light.
I am not going to get into a response at the moment, because I think there are others here that may be able to better serve that purpose. I deal with things on the logical side better than the emotional; emotions are something I am still learning. What I do wish to tell you is YOU ARE LOVED for being just who you are. I love you, and I guarantee many here also love you. It is a pleasure to have you here, and I look forward to you awakening to your true nature.
RE: One step at a time - Turtle - 03-05-2010
Welcome to Bring4th Misty!
Being able to love ourselves, even just somewhat, can be a very hard thing to do. I had my own problems with that for quite some time but for the reasons of being a fat kid growing up. I'm sure that if you truly want to be able to love yourself, you will find that time will reveal the method to you. Sometimes all we have to do is look in the mirror and smile, and that smile can make us seem that much more beautiful to ourselves. One step at a time indeed..
Godspeed!
RE: One step at a time - Ashim - 03-05-2010
Greetings Misty, thanks for your introduction.
It sounds like you are starting to understand that there is a HUGE difference between conditional human "love" and true universal unconditional Love. The latter you will find here in abundance.
Hats off to you for working on yourself.
Love & Light
RE: One step at a time - Questioner - 03-05-2010
Hi Misty! Thank you for joining us!
If you've been reading the forum for a while then you probably already know: please take only what delights your spirit and set aside the rest. It was offered with kind intentions, but also in a world where ignorance clouds our ability to know what is best for another person. I hope you do find it well worth your while to participate here!
How sad that your father was not able to provide his daughter with his acceptance and true love. It sounds like it was not just that he wasn't loving to you. He didn't know how, or wasn't willing to be loving to anyone.
If your mom had not been so overprotective, other adult men might have discovered the situation. They might have stood up against the abuse and been kind to you. Not sexual, just a supportive friend who shows caring and respect for a girl.
It's amazing how much damage can be done by bad parenting. Especially if the family is socially isolated, the kids might never realize just how wrong the situation is. Or they might feel that something's wrong, but they try to figure out why it's their fault when it never was their fault.
So kids can invent things that seem to make sense. Like: "I must not be respected or loved because I'm not good enough for that." But these apparent discoveries are just misunderstandings about life, when the truth is: "I don't get respect or love from these biological parents because they're clueless about how to be good parents." That's a thought most kids are not able to think!
We discuss all of this a lot around here. One key to healing is to realize that the "DNA sponsors" are supposed to also guide, nurture, shelter, love and respect the soul that fills the body they brought into the world. But parents and other relatives sometimes can't do this. So we learn that our true family are those who love us for who we are now. As spiritual evolution intensifies, this might be a necessary lesson for more and more people.
I have also found it very helpful to talk things over, one on one, with a wise counselor who can reinforce what you learn in the forums. Do you have anyone that can help you identify what is normal and healthy in loving families? Someone who can help you realize that the lack of love wasn't because you didn't need and deserve love, but your parents were unable to provide it?
Wherever it comes from, this kind of bigger understand can help you can become free of mistaken ideas about the world. At least, it's been helpful for me which is why I recommend it. But there are some trained psychologists and ministers who don't have a clue either, so finding a good one can be a challenge.
Anxiety about the void is the basis of addiction. There's a topic here about sexual addiction that might be helpful for you. You might find something helpful in "adult children" material like Charles Whitfield's book A Gift To Myself or groups like adultchildren.org.
Some other books I really liked, which I imagine you might like too, are Conscious Loving and Conscious Living by Gay and Kathlyn Hendrix, Getting the Love you Want by Harville Hendricks (note the different last name), Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, and One Life Solution by Henry Cloud.
It's not that you missed the one class on "How to love yourself" when you were 13. Before that, you missed a dozen years of the 24/7 lesson on love. You missed out on: "We care about the kid! We give her a hug, honor her hopes and dreams, because we celebrate that she's worth caring about. We help her learn how to be independent and make her own good choices, even when we're not here to hover over her. We don't try to keep her in a cocoon because butterflies need freedom to stretch their wings!"
It's not your fault that by 13, you didn't have an internal role model you could follow for how to love and respect yourself. So knock off that self-blame, will ya?
I wonder if your path might include some time to live by yourself, to learn peace and contentment whether or not someone else is with you. I imagine this might help you then have relationships based on grounded respect and self-worth, two complete people sharing their fullness rather than scrambling to fill their emptiness.
Do you have any kind of spiritual practice or meditation? Any religion or faith of your own? From the Library link above at the top of this page, you get another page where you can click Library again and then read the spiritual books that are the basis for our little community. Thank you for honoring us with the opportunity to cheer you along your journey.
RE: One step at a time - fairyfarmgirl - 03-05-2010
Welcome, Misty! Thank you for being here now!
Know this, you are loved. Love is always present around you and within you... Take a moment to take a deep breath... feel the air fill your lungs... Is that not Love... the Love of the Earth and and the Sun to provide such beautiful air in which to breath with. The act of breathing is an act of Love.
A spiritual practice as has been said previously is of utmost importance! There are many positive spiritual practices to consider--- exploring spirituality is the only way to learn that which resonates with you. This is a personal journey--- You may wish to begin by journaling--- just write down stuff that pops in your mind without thinking about it. Later on re-read and write a thoughtful resposnse to youSelf. You could begin the response with Thank you, the I Am.. I am now responding to this consciousness. In this way you will begin to contact yourSelf and deepen your personhood.
Take time to live alone. It is important to become comfortable making decisions on your own! Going where you choose to go when you choose to do so! This takes practice to cultivate--- at first you may feel anxious--- or wrong--- Breath through those fears and put one foot in front of the other and try out those decisions!
I understand where you are coming from having been isolated and raised similarly. I somehow came to believe this little truth... a little truth is the truth until it is no longer the truth... the little truth that I came to believe was "if only I was thinner I would be loved and liked and accepted." No matter how thin I became (due to not eating) people still did not love or like or accept me... the understanding as to why they did not resides within the mySelf... It was I who had to accept me, Love me, Like me.
Time alone nurturing yourself will allow you to develop your personhood. Living alone does not mean you are alone... You are always surrounded by the guides and Angels who Love you, by the Earth and Sky who Love you... and you are always able to connect with others who Love you.
Conditional love is a little truth. Unconditional Love is the BIG TRUTH[i]. The BIG TRUTH is the Truth and will always be the Truth.
Here is a quote from the Red Book, “Become a divine exhibitionist. Play more, laugh more, do things that make your spirit roar, that amplify all your senses and encourage others to smile. Love boldy. Make your spirituality brighter, your prayers more colorful, your life more refined and reflective. Not only make the divine see you, but make the divine want to lick your forehead and taste you. …You have to pray from such an honest and open and raw place in yourself that the divine eagerly wants to kneel at the altar of you.” The Red Book
Have you considered joining Americorps or the Peace corps? This is a great place in which to assist others and be supported as you develop your personhood. Just some ideas... I am sure you will find your way home...
Home is in the nature of your HEART... It is the Seat of Love and the space in which you will develop your personhood.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeCQp--fUJg
Love--
fairyfarmgirl
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RE: One step at a time - Aaron - 03-05-2010
You are very welcomed here, Misty!
Remember, you already know how to love at the deepest level. It's just a matter of opening up to more and more of love!
It's a long process, but you've already come quite a ways.You've come to this point where you're ready to make yourself anew. Ready for the opportunity to come. I see that you are taking control of your actions in an attempt to better yourself. You are alight with that beautiful fire of spiritual seeking, and it's a wonderful thing to see!
RE: One step at a time - MIstyDawn - 03-06-2010
Thank you all for your more than welcoming hello. It has definitely made me feel loved.
I have put very much thought into what you have all said and of course followed me heart. I started looking deeper into why my father and mother were the way they were. They, I feel, had loving intentions. I also believe they are hurt and are not nearly as "connected" to themselves as I am. So for this, I forgave them. I believe I have a very close relationship to them more so now than then. I feel way more love and understanding than I once did.
In edition to looking at their good/loving actions and intentions, I also looked at what harm it has done. As oppose to just the good.
My father was very aggressive, in a different way than just mentally and not really physically. He disrespected my mother, in many ways. Outwardly sexual with other females in front of my mother and myself. My mother blew it off like its what he does.. oh well. It made me very uncomfortable and heart broken. I felt like that was what I was going to have to put up with. For awhile I did. Which hurt me more unknowingly.
I think having the ability to evaluate and understand the past gives me what I should of gotten from it. There's so many ways to learn. To get to one certain understanding. Which I find amazing.
I really am grateful for all your loving words. They have helped me more open my heart to my fellow brothers and sisters. also have to add: since I met my boyfriend. I have been working on quite a bit, and feel I have made a substantial amount of progress. He mentioned many times he felt more like my father than my boyfriend. I feel this is because he showed me the kind of love I was supposed to be shown.
Questioner. I have to say this: your words really spoke deeply to my heart. Thank you so much! To start, I really haven't tried to focus a lot of energy into a belief system. I try to learn everything or at least the main facts of each and make my own conclusion. So I can't really give you a answer other than my belief system is myself.
Secondly, I haven't ever tried to meditate or anything of that nature. I have on occasion prayed to my higher self and creator. Which I have to add helped tremendously. Because a few days later information flowed through me. And lead me here
I do however want to spend time looking into these things and making myself more spiritually connected and do feel very much at home here. Thank you again.To Fairy. Thank you also for you kind words and the link which which I will be find time to read. I have the next couple of days off and intend to spend a lot of time researching and soul searching.
Thank to all of you and I send my love back. I feel something for people! Which is very new, but I know its love. This time I know.
RE: One step at a time - haqiqu - 03-06-2010
Hello Misty Dawn and welcome to Bring4th. I'm happy you've found us. There are many here who share similar experiences and who will be happy to help you along your path. Love yourself and you will find that love for and from others comes more easily.
:->
RE: One step at a time - Brittany - 03-09-2010
Hi, Misty! It's awesome that you had the courage to share these things.
I've had quite a bit of difficulty with my desire for sexual energies as well. Not only have I struggled with sexual cravings, but have also dealt with some similar orange ray issues of seeking to control the sexual experiences I do have to an unhealthy magnitude. I know what a frustrating thing it can be to go through, and want you to know that you have my support.
I have a hard time finding advice for this type of thing...all I can really say is that since becoming more aware of my spiritual self, I've realized that love extends beyond any relationship man can imagine. Sexual, romantic relationships are nice, but suddenly I feel love when I look at a sunset, listen to a river or lock eyes with a stranger across the room. Love is literally everywhere. You don't have to be in a relationship to find it. You can pull it right out of the air because the universe pulsates with love.
I'd say you hit the nail right on the head in saying that you need to learn to love yourself before seeking to deepen your involvement with other selves. If you're not clear inside you can project all of your problems onto other people. You cannot offer your highest service if you consider yourself unworthy.
Welcome to the site!
RE: One step at a time - thefool - 03-11-2010
Hi Misty!!!
You are welcome to this loving group of great people. We all love you for who you are...
RE: One step at a time - transiten - 03-17-2010
Misty
Consider yourself lucky to have come this far in understanding and expressing your situation being only 22! And also having found this place where you can freely talk about what you want without meeting fear and rejection. I was also brought up in a dysfunctional family and as you probably already know and according to the belief we hold here on Bring4th, we choose ourselves the circumstances as we reincarnate here on earth to learn some valuable lessons.
Welcome from transiten
RE: One step at a time - Ashim - 03-17-2010
(03-17-2010, 03:28 PM)transiten Wrote: Misty
Consider yourself lucky to have come this far in understanding and expressing your situation being only 22! And also having found this place where you can freely tlk about what you want without meeting fear and and rejection. I was also brought up in a dysfunctional family and as you probably already know and according to the belief we hold here on Bring4th, we choose ourselves the circumstances as we reincarnate here on earth to learn some valuable lessons.
Welcome from transiten
Transiten, what a beautiful thing to say. You are also very much loved.
Love & Light
RE: One step at a time - Questioner - 03-17-2010
Here's a beautiful little animation about love, from a web site I really enjoy (The Enchanted World). Be sure to click the Awakening and Enchantment buttons at the bottom of the animation for additional parts. (Part 2 has music, part 3 doesn't.) I don't agree with all their card interpretations, but with this one they got it just right. It's an inspiring source for meditation about the purpose and meaning of true love.