[split] "The dark attacks from the shadow ..."

[The_Tired_Philosopher]

I'm not in a bright place so I'll try to be not just down.

Thank you Jade, I meant in regards to Work in Consciousness with meditations and yoga.  I still do both but tend to refrain from trying to do so with polarity-imbued intent.

The worst paradoxical problem in this area is how I so strongly desire to be alone with extreme introversion (its 3:21pm and I woke up at 7am, and have yet to leave my bed...). I liken myself to a codependent person, the best part, I'd do CoDa meetings if I didn't feel so bothered by the dogmatic aspects of those meetings...  I need to try and go again.  I was stupidly happy back when I WAS with my ex, ever since then (end of 2013) I've had trouble just sleeping alone.  I miss having that one other.  I need a bestfriend and I have none now.  Relationships with me are like a form of fusion, without it, I just don't like not having that...whatever you'd call 'that'. I miss being one with another.

I think I need someone, probably not helping...

But I don't want to do any polarization work alone now is my point, once I'm not alone...  If ever.

I've found the Law of Attraction is not absolute, if there isn't anything plausibly available, a probability won't just manifest itself.  I'm quite a character in this book called Earth.  One of a kind.  And even though I see that in others, no one sees it in me.  A sort of pull/push occurrence metaphysically.  Like a ripple oscillating, if you're not like me you slowly move away, otherwise we get closer.  No one is like me it'd seem in a way that I have desired since.

Ohhh.  5.  Hence, very lonely since 5. Never more than one or two friends until high school, and of that group, only 1 I talk to weekly, if that.  To see others and keep them around, I have to deal with their issues.  One friend is a hermit, all he does is eat junkfood and play anime RPG's, never goes out, can't even drive at 24.  One friend is a kleptomaniac, last time she was here my headphones vanished.  Before that, my jewelry, before that, my money, before that.  Some of my video games.
One friend is a disney princess with highly fantasy like notions of reality, making it hard to even conversate with her.  Another is a pothead who can't seem to emotionally function without her greens (like my mom), another disappears into NAU but to be fair, she's pretty awesome and her life takes her time up, but to also be fair, she can be controlling and nonsensical.  Another friend is so much like me, Its painful being around him because he's stuck on his ex and I pick up on it to a painful degree...  making my feelings for my ex that much more harder to deal with.

Of them all, its a jumble of chaos more than anything.  If I were to look for my own traits in all of them, I'd think I were a drug addicted fantasy oriented imprompt irresponsible uncaring idiot.

In retrospect, I already do...  Even though I quit weed, am objective, prompt with work, somewhat responsible, way too caring and smart.  I'm also all things.

But that logic itself falls apart at times too leaving me with simply, I know nothing, about myself.  Despite knowing so much.

I'm not scared of my power, I'm scared of overestimating it in denial of how actually weak I am, then being put up against something I'm not actually capable nor desirous of putting up with.  I'm wary of my power.  I don't want to use it anymore, it all felt so wasted even though I'm aware collectively it'll be known, I personally derived more weariness from it all Longterm because I had no one to point out my selfishly being selfless for others as if I were them being selfish for them.

Ra says this isn't work to be done alone.  My personal experience says the same...  Doing this alone made me feel more lonely than I could have ever imagined.  Like I was literally alone cosmically.

If the Universe can't derive my desires and intents from how clearly I've made the few consistent constant one's known (just two, to help make life easier for others, to not be alone) Then I throw my hands up in the air and give up.

If I made it any more clear, I'd be bordering injecting my thoughts directly into the 'formulaetion' of my reality...

That I'm furious and frustrated now a days goes along with how now my reality is stable, but everyone around me is STILL SUFFERING.  Falling apart.  And nothing I do is good enough to ease that suffering.

It is.  One of two things, of both I felt once and now do not.

I await the pieces to fall into place, but in the mean time I just wish I could do more.

But...Healing worlds, I'll get on that.  The phosphene synchronicities are back hourly now, never had them be so often.  And my right ear buzzes with ringing daily now.  Dunno why.  Never do.  Wish I did so I could react accordingly and not just constantly blindly.