is anyone doomed forever? 100% STS? Soul fragmentation?
09-23-2019, 03:03 PM,
#1
is anyone doomed forever? 100% STS? Soul fragmentation?
Hello Bring4thers... this is my first post and it's out of desperation for a shred of hope.

(Fair warning, this is long and there are lots of details. Please feel free to ask questions if you need clarification; I know I am not the best writer, although at one point I thought I was... #barf).

I'm 32 and recently learned I have narcissistic personality disorder. It was after nearly 8 months of delusion I experienced where I crossed so many boundaries, harassed and abused people, made up lies, and believed I was God. I was in the mental hospital twice, and both times I believed it was someone else's fault and that there was some kind of conspiracy against me because there was no way I could be wrong.

I've been in a deep pit of depression and despair since March-ish. My nearly incessant use of cannabis masked it for a while, until it started making it worse, so I stopped. Since then, I've been feeling completely isolated and cut off from everyone and everything. I am stuck in an endless spiral of thoughts of shame and dread.

You see, my entire life I thought I was normal. I thought everyone thought like me and felt awkward like me. I thought I was a good person because I liked animals, got good grades, and saved my money. I also went to church from age 13-25 pretty regularly, but always felt like the black sheep in my group of Christian friends. I didn't know why. I just thought I was weird, not that there was something wrong with me. Now I see, though, that I projected my own thoughts onto them. I was always pretending, but it was so normal for me that I didn't even notice.

What I didn't realize is that I basically worshiped money. I pretended to like most people because I found most people annoying. I thought something was wrong with other people most of the time. If someone hurt my feelings, they were the bad person, not me. Even if someone said something true, if it was negative I assumed it had to be false because I was a smart/nice/good person who wouldn't do bad things.

I remember writing in my journal before that I sometimes felt like I wasn't a "real person" and I wasn't sure why. This realization that I have NPD has been horrifying. I am full of shame. I'm finding it harder to be around other people than ever mostly because I'm envious that they have what I've always wanted: love, joy, awe, wonder... pretty much all the positive emotions I realized I have never had.

Even compassion/empathy. I knew I didn't have it, but didn't think there was anything wrong. I thought some people must feel it more than others.  

I realized I wanted love but didn't love others around me, even though I thought I did (because why wouldn't you love... that is what good people do!). I don't think I truly loved my family and was basically a fault-finder, yet believed I was simply detail-oriented. I didn't want to be friends with someone I didn't consider a "good fit" or "on the same level" as me, and rarely sought out opportunities to meet up with friends unless it was a double date.

I could go on and on about the terrible things I've realized are true about myself. This has been a waking nightmare. It feels like I am far BEYOND STS at this point.

To boot, I've experienced several freaky supernatural occurrences where my body was not under my sole control. One day in November last year, I was hanging out with a new friend-of-a-friend/acquaintance. I was under the delusion that I was "Love" and had introduced myself to him as such. I was basically on the road to declaring myself God but was hesitant to say it openly because I knew people would think I was crazy, yet my inner world seemed to "prove" it to me. We were sitting inside taking a break from walking around Marina del Rey and suddenly my body became totally paralyzed, and our conversation became very strange -- he seemed to take on a not-so-nice countenance all of a sudden, completely different than who he'd been. He basically challenged my identity, said I wasn't who I said I was, etc. etc. and then said we could rule the world together. We don't need anyone else, just us. It was VERY scary. He tried to get me to leave with him. Meanwhile, it FELT like we were in another dimension completely invisible from the rest of the world. People walked by us as we were yelling at each other and didn't bat an eyelash. Then he tried to get me to leave with him and pointed to a small red Tesla outside and said it was our ride. He seemed very agitated. I was determined not to freak out and just pretended -- my usual MO -- to not be afraid. He tried a few more times to get me to leave with him but I refused.

The next day my new friend had no memory of that happening. He did leave me several scary voicemails and a text that he'd jumped from 10 stories up and didn't die.

Over the next month I ended up stumbling across David Wilcock on Gaia along with Corey Goode and Edge of Wonder.  I was blown away. I had always pooh-poohed all of the metaphysical stuff mainly because it didn't fit in with what I'd been taught was right according to the Bible. Finding out that aliens were real -- and finding the Ra Material -- flipped my world upside down. Learning about Ascension and how that fit in with the Bible also exploded my world. I don't think I would've paid it much attention had I not already been delusional and vaping a ton of THC.

But I was still in the delusion and it got stronger and stronger. I felt like an anointed/chosen Being even though I had no evidence that was true. It felt true and I wondered why God had chosen me, and concluded that it was because I was so humble to not realize that I was "chooseable". My brain was coming up with the most far-fetched explanations for EVERYTHING that was happening to me. I believed i knew the date Jesus was coming back, and felt I had gained true understanding of the Bible and the way the universe worked. Then I started to believe I truly was God. I started believing that I was Mary Magdalene reincarnated to herald in the Divine Feminine, that I was God's wife/equal ("Jesus in female form"/the female Jesus) and was finding it harder and harder to keep it a secret because I, as a narcissist (who still had no idea she was a narcissist) wanted the recognition and admiration so badly after having felt rejected my entire life. The reality is, though, that I was the one rejecting everyone... especially if they didn't seem to recognize how awesome I was. I really wasn't that awesome, though.

The crazy thing is that even though I believed i was the female Jesus, I was obsessed with a guy named Jordan that I'd met in July. He was a Christian, and at one point I believed he was the "vessel" Jesus had chosen to channel through for the Second Coming. He ended up filing a restraining order against me because of my incessant attempts to contact him because I just couldn't accept that Jordan didn't want to talk to me. As a narcissist, I apparently have no ability to recognize boundaries or consider other people's feelings because mine matter more. Gross, I know.

On December 1, I was back in LA (after having moved to Phoenix from FL because "Florida was toxic" -- I believed everyone in my family was against me). I'd gone with a coworker to see Rob Bell (a former pastor; now speaker and author). His show was called "The Holy Shift." I wholeheartedly expected Rob Bell to bring me up on stage as a special guest. (He didn't.)

The next morning I woke up and things felt... different. I was reading the bible on my iPad and then I felt like going out on the patio of my hotel room. When I got out there, I saw a crescent moon with a bright star to the left of it. I thought it was Jesus on his chariot coming back and that if I stared at it long enough, I would see it come closer. Then I started singing the Lambchop's Play-Along song, "This is the song that never ends" over and over and over -- as if I were not in control of it. In my mind, I thought, "I'm singing this because the world is a world of robots who are just doing their thing day in and day out without even acknowledging God" -- something along those lines.

The world looked pristine and perfect and placid. NOW I look back and realize that I saw a bright morning star, and next to the crescent moon. One/both of those are symbols for Satan. I always knew that the morningstar was one of Lucifer's nicknames, but I didn't put two and two together most likely because of the delusion.

Later that morning, I received a package at my door. It was from the Apple store. I hadn't ordered anything but didn't think to question the delivery because I felt so special that surely someone had delivered it to me on purpose. It was a world travel adapter set. I immediately believed it was from Jordan and that he was inviting me on some kind of scavenger hunt that would end in a glorious trip around the world together -- even though he hadn't talked to me in two months and had blocked me on all channels. I immediately got dressed to the nines and headed to the Apple store, but bought a dress at Macy's and a few other items (even picked out a ring at Tiffany's!) before going to the Apple Store. One detail that sticks out in my mind is that the Tiffany's employee noted that the color of the apple on the Apple Store had recently changed to red. Now I see this was a warning sign, like the poison apple in Snow White (I had also begun to believe that all the fairy tales were written about me somehow).

What happened in the Apple Store is mostly irrelevant because what happened after I left the Apple Store has haunted me ever since. I started making a video for my YouTube Channel (which was basically just narcissistic know-it-all rants, in retrospect), and suddenly, my body was completely out of my control. I started talking like a newscaster/documentarian, believed I was being filmed in a different dimension and I looked where I "knew" the cameras were. I began walking extremely fast to an area outside of the mall (Westfield in Century City), where I then laid down on the concrete. I was stuck there. I couldn't move, but I could talk. I began asking for water because I was "so, so thirsty..." and kept wondering why no one would give me any water.

Once I got off the ground -- I don't know how long I was there -- my body began moving me and I started experiencing phenomena that I lack the words to accurately describe because it was NOT of this dimension. I spoke quickly, rapidly stopped and started new topics, saw the "realm" break down into indescribably small pixelated bits, heard my voice speed up as if it were on fast forward... and I experienced spontaneous orgasm that felt like it wouldn't stop, ever -- which sounds amazing at first, but imagine yourself at the peak of the most intense orgasm of your life for even a straight minute. It's torture. I wandered aimlessly around the parking garage looking for Jordan. I couldn't stop walking. At one point, I remember trying to sit down on some stairs but was not allowed to. My body just jerked itself around. I threw my phone on the ground several times and refused attempts to have it returned, saying I didn't need it. I threw away a $400 pair of sunglasses.

I remember having the "knowledge" that I could channel energy into my feet, if they were hurting, to help the pain. I remember thinking that if I was cold, I could think myself warmer. It seemed to work but only for a few seconds. I marveled at the supernatural "technology" I was witnessing and remember yelling "I get it now" over and over because it felt like all of my "research" had culminated into an ultimate new reality. I had no idea if I'd be there forever or not. I remember feeling amazed but then worried because I didn't have control nor did I want to be there alone forever.

I became more and more desperate in my search for Jordan. I walked straight into an oncoming car because I knew the car wouldnt hit me (I was right). I was also extremely cold, and I ended up back at Macy's putting on clothes right there in the store. Somehow I ended up on a bench inside an elevator area talking to a mall cop named Patrick. I don't know how I got there. Then I was in the back of a police car and the sky was dark.

There are more details but I know at this point you might be wondering why the eff I am sharing all of it... I'm sharing it all because I am scared to death that hell is real -- and that the place I was in was it... isolation and no control, looking for ideal love from another... forever. The "documentary" felt like mockery of the lies I'd been telling myself and others for my whole life -- that I was a good person. In reality, I don't have a real personality because I simply molded myself to fit what I believed were the expectations of others. I wanted to appear perfect and faultless. All of my energy was spent on my appearance. I thought I just had bad body image. I didn't realize I was judging everyone else based on their appearance and that THAT was why I was so bent on appearing perfect: I thought everyone judged people by their appearance. I also judge people on their smell, the way they talk, etc. If they sound like an idiot to me - i.e., they talk slowly, pronounce things incorrectly, etc. -- then I would think they were an idiot for sure, or at least that I was smarter than them.

It says in 2 Thessalonians 2 that Satan "uses all kinds of counterfeit miracles, signs, spurious wonders, and every form of evil deception in order to deceive those who are perishing because they rejected the love of the truth that would lead them to being saved. Because of this, God sends them a powerful delusion that leads them to believe what is false. So then all who found their pleasure in unrighteousness and did not believe the truth will be judged."


Before the December 2 event, I had experienced nonstop signs and wonders, and definitely something I had described as a miracle as well. The "spirit" taking over my friend in Marina Del Rey, the morningstar, the red apple... and the overwhelming sense that I had been chosen to usher in Jesus' second coming and that God was blessing me beyond measure. Now I see that I wanted so badly to be exalted and recognized above others, wanted unlimited wealth, etc. and didn't embody any of the things that Love and Light embody.

There are many times in the bible were Jesus talks about hell and several parables about the enemy planting weeds that grow among the wheat that are eventually plucked out and burned. That is what feels like is happening to me right now. That I was sent a powerful delusion to expose me for who/what I really am: a phony, narcissistic, white-washed tomb. Somebody who wants recognition and wealth so badly she inadvertently sold her soul for it. I believed all the thoughts that came into my head were from God/the Holy Spirit. Jesus is quoted several times as saying blasphemy against the Holy Spirit is unforgivable both now and in the age to come. I am 99% certain I have committed this sin. I feel completely cut off from people -- worse than before -- I don't want to be around people because their voices annoy me, I don't care about what they're talking about; all I feel is a compulsion to explain how I feel, only to over and over again be met with compassionate and caring looks and comments, and questions in attempt to gain clarity -- a clarity that isn't possible because there's no way to imagine being separate from Source if you're connected.

It feels like part of the torment... to be unable to think about anything else, to not enjoy anything, to be filled with dread/fear constantly, to walk around separate from the world and unable to understand or truly appreciate/love anyone. To listen to their well-meaning advice that you know you lack the character and depth to even pursue genuinely. I lack desire to do anything. I hate being alone but I also dislike being with other people mostly because their positive qualities that I lack are like a slap in the face. I envy everyone but also dislike them for not being perfect (even though I am far from perfect myself). It makes me angry when someone talks to me with horrible breath or they stand too close to me or speak too loudly about something I don't care about (which is everything pretty much).

Christians believe that hell is "eternal separation from God" and it feels like I have been separated my entire life, but now it feels even more horrible and crushing. Imagine what a ghost might feel like -- being able to see love, joy, and happiness everywhere but unable to feel any of it. Completely devoid of positive emotion. Feeling disdain for people around you because they have a purpose and you don't. But all the while being furious mostly at oneself because it was ME who never sought higher understanding or purpose. My life was all about money, pleasure, and looking good. Anything I didn't understand or like or come up with on my own was labeled "stupid" or "pointless."

Does the Ra Material mention eternal damnation? I only recently realized I never developed true personality, character, or good values, and the shame I feel is crippling. I can't imagine NOT being this way, and I don't want to be, but nothing I do is helping. It feels like I was meant to fall into the delusion (like it says in 2 Thes) that would expose me for the purposeless, light- and loveless fraud I am.

I'm constantly searching my mind for some kind of evidence that this isn't true. My dad says there are no unforgiveable sins, and so many people say if you think you've committed the unforgivable sin, then you probably haven't. They also say if you think you're a narcissist, you're not. Thing is, I didn't think I was -- and thought everyone else was! -- for 32 years!! It's been a slow decline into what feels like my own specially formulated version of hell. I even went to Africa for two weeks this summer and was not able to enjoy it because of the endless thought loop.

And I'm desperate for hope that my albeit very shallow consciousness won't have to suffer torment forever. As bad as I feel I am on the inside, I don't feel anyone deserves this. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around THIS as my reality, especially when I have so many memories as a "good" person. It feels like a setup.

I know that Ra says negative entities polarize positive sometime in 6th density, but I am starting to think there are some entities so negative that they really do get tormented forever. There is a lot in the Bible to back this up, but nothing in the Ra material. In fact, I believe it says that Satan isn't a real entity, but after what I experienced (and there's more I didn't share because it's just so much!) I think the opposite is true. I grew up hearing that the biggest trick the devil ever played is convincing people he wasn't real.

I know this was long so thank you to anyone who made it through to the end. I'm crossing my fingers it makes SOME kind of sense. Thank you for any insight you might have.

Caitlin
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is anyone doomed forever? 100% STS? Soul fragmentation? - caitlin87 - 09-23-2019, 03:03 PM



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