I have forgotten how to love

[Jeremy]

Been quite a while since I have positively contributed here but I am definitely needing some help. This will be a rather long read for context so I apologize in advance. 

Back in 2012/2013, I was abuzz with energy from this new way of living through the Law of One. This forum was just as abuzz with fascinating energy as well. Things were going well until early 2014 where I hit some sort of wall. I was working out, eating right, and meditating daily yet this wall was something that I had never experienced. I attribute a lot to it to the multitude of hours that I was working via my 2 and sometimes 3 jobs just to stay afloat after child support sucked almost $500 a month from my bank account. 

Later in the year, I had met the love of my life which reinvigorated me a bit but in hindsight, I’ve often wondered if it had masked some underlying issue. Though we had our challenges early on, we pushed through those and began our lives together. 

Fast forward some years and the exhaustion was rising to inescapable levels. I became extremely negative, drinking more, I had stopped meditating a few year prior to that. I was an overall sour person to be around. I lashed out at others and even some here which prompted me to leave. My love left me which caused all sorts of change within me which eventually led to us reuniting. Yet 3 years later and especially due to the pandemic and seeing so much death at work, I had yet again sunk into this pit of despair. This time though, I lashed out at her and my coworkers. I just wanted to be left alone and drink just to numb myself from all that I saw at the hospital. 

This eventually led to my love leaving yet again even though we had made a promise if I had taken this dark turn we’d figure it out and she wouldn’t leave yet she left anyways but that’s besides the point. 

I have never been the most loving father to my daughter.  I’ve never been a family person really at all.  I didn’t ask to be a father. My ex wife made that choice for me though I could’ve done more to responsibly prevent it.  

I have since taken custody of her due to her mother’s  never ending spiral down the addiction rabbit hole which has been the last 15 months or so. This has shown me that it’s been incredibly difficult to actually be a full time father. I can’t pinpoint why I’m not the type of father she deserves. Maybe it’s because I never wanted to be one and if so, it makes me feel absolutely horrible because she deserves to have that in her life. 

Thinking about it more and more when it comes to not only my daughter but my love that I lost, I found that I have lost the ability to love. I don’t even know what that feeling is anymore. I remember feeling it at times in the past yet being overcome with profound exhaustion immediately after it. I feel as if I’m literally too tired to love and that makes me feel like absolute s***. 

I’m going to start talking to a psychologist this week or the next. I’m stopping drinking as I’m sure that’s the root of many of my issues and I’m quitting smoking as well. I hope to resume meditating as well but to be honest, I feel absolutely lost. I don’t know if I have an actual clinical issue such as legitimate depression or what. I have been vehemently opposed to medication for a very long time but at this point, I’m willing to try anything. I have been reading about burn out. Especially emotional burnout and how difficult it is to come back from it which doesn’t inspire much confidence. 

So I guess I’m looking for advice from anyone who has gone through such struggles and how they overcame them. 

Thanks.