11-21-2019, 06:43 PM
I would be very appreciative of any insights any of you folks might have on my situation.
Some background: I carry a very isolated life, I don't have any friends where I live. I'm unemployed and I have no motivation whatsoever to change that. The motivation that I find is for meditation and for inner work, that's what gets me up in the morning. Love motivates me, but my search for romantic love has always and very quickly ended with feelings of rejection and abandonment. I recently made a connection between my constant romantic rejections and some experiences of my late childhood and early teenage years where I was openly mocked and ridiculed in public, called things like "disgusting" without me having done anything to the other person. I've realized each new rejection activates a mental programming of deep unworthiness that was built due to all these experiences, which brings me more pain, despair and hopelessness than what each individual rejection by itself would bring.
A few months back I met this woman online. We connected with each other quickly and found a lot in common. We would talk for hours and hours, each and every single day, until it became obvious we had romantic feelings for each other. It felt so perfect. The attraction was there on all sorts of levels, both from her and me; mentally, emotionally, physically. Synchronicities left and right for us both. We would talk so much about spiritual concepts, and when I told her about the concept of the wanderer, she could immediately relate to it in a huge way.
When my unemployment situation popped up, she responded by saying that not only didn't she feel rejection at this, but that she felt even more connected to me, because she was in a very similar situation herself. Overall, she made me feel just like that, always: Accepted, appreciated, valued, supported. We were both thankful for having each other.
She would often talk of the need for her to find a job, and I had motivation to get out there and do my part in creating a future for ourselves.
Fast forward a few months. Something in her mind has changed. She talks to me about how she really doesn't want to get a job at all; ever. She wants to be a stay-at-home wife while the man is the sole provider. Then came a difference of opinion in whether watching pornography or having fantasies outside of one's partner constituted an infidelity or not. After that, she started looking for incompatibilities everywhere, things became a self-fulfilling prophecy, where she was generating impossible situations that could only end in her disappointment. Some issues could have been fixed so easily simply by working through them together, but I could tell she had given up on any and all effort. She just interpreted all these events as our relationship "not meant to be", instead of wanting to work on them.
The break up hurt, but what hurt even more was when, a few days later, and despite of knowing one part of my abandonment issues, she said she didn't even want to continue a friendship. One reason for this was that we're very similar and we have the same problems, so she considers that keeping in touch and supporting each other would keep us stuck in our problems instead of trying to improve upon them.
I hugely, hugely disagree with this. I think that people with similar problems (if STO oriented) can motivate each other to improve upon their shortcomings. But even more importantly, I find a foundation of love and understanding to be essential, and that it is precisely when someone feels unconditionally loved when that person becomes truly free to explore their full potential, without the unnecessary shackles of never feeling good enough, of always feeling the need to do this or that before considering oneself worthy of love.
I was motivated to look for a job when we were together, but she said that if we separate even in friendship and I feel zero motivation to go out there and get a job, that then I truly do not want to change for myself. While technically true, I believe that she's using wisdom in order to justify not giving the love that she had the choice of giving. While I believe in the importance of self-love, we as humans have certain needs. The need for acceptance, for social inclusion, for intimacy, for love, etc. Is it technically possible to find the love within and to radiate it, even when these needs are not met on the outside? I suppose it is possible. But the less we have these things on the outside, the less likely it is that we will find our radiance within. This is what I believe. We came here to radiate love, so that any person touched by love would have more resources to find their own inner radiance.
I don't want to use this abandonment (nor all the others I've experienced) as an excuse to give up on seeking my own love within... But I can't help but think that she made a very self-centered choice, that she could have stayed at least in friendship with me, and that we could have created something beautiful out of that, which could have been of support to us both. I can't help but feel some bitterness and resentment towards her. These feelings sometimes have turned into an acceptance, an unconditional kind of love that I've felt two times for just a small window of time, but it felt so pure and genuine, where it didn't matter what happened to me or what she did in relation to me. But other times the bitterness and the resentment come, along with the hopelessness. I know I need to work on my own perception of lack of love, and to learn to radiate this love from me, before I even consider forgiving her more fully. That's the end goal, but one step at a time. It feels so hard, though... I wish I had someone with whom to find mutual support, each believing in the potential of the other, rather than just walking away and telling themselves that I will just find on my own whatever resources I need, without regard as to what may happen if I don't manage to do that...
Technically, she has kept our lines of communication open. She told me to write to her through one website, if I am to do it. But when I asked how she would feel if I'm feeling really down and under the need to write to her, she said: "I would really prefer it if you didn't do it". I want to write to her to tell her some of these things, to leave them out in the open, and have that flow of blue ray energy. She wanted to say goodbye so quickly that in our last talk I could only think of some things to say. But I don't think I would be respecting her free will if I wrote to her.
I don't think I'm without resources. I have decent experience being mindful of my thoughts and present in the here and now, so that I don't get completely carried away by negativity. I have enough faith to believe that all of this may be happening for a reason. But this really really feels like such harsh catalyst to me... And I can't help but think that life is just going to be that for me; harsh catalyst, one right after another, with not enough positive events to counterbalance them.
Any thoughts are welcome. I feel I need some support, and to feel closer to a community. I think this is why I'm writing this.
Thank you for reading.
Some background: I carry a very isolated life, I don't have any friends where I live. I'm unemployed and I have no motivation whatsoever to change that. The motivation that I find is for meditation and for inner work, that's what gets me up in the morning. Love motivates me, but my search for romantic love has always and very quickly ended with feelings of rejection and abandonment. I recently made a connection between my constant romantic rejections and some experiences of my late childhood and early teenage years where I was openly mocked and ridiculed in public, called things like "disgusting" without me having done anything to the other person. I've realized each new rejection activates a mental programming of deep unworthiness that was built due to all these experiences, which brings me more pain, despair and hopelessness than what each individual rejection by itself would bring.
A few months back I met this woman online. We connected with each other quickly and found a lot in common. We would talk for hours and hours, each and every single day, until it became obvious we had romantic feelings for each other. It felt so perfect. The attraction was there on all sorts of levels, both from her and me; mentally, emotionally, physically. Synchronicities left and right for us both. We would talk so much about spiritual concepts, and when I told her about the concept of the wanderer, she could immediately relate to it in a huge way.
When my unemployment situation popped up, she responded by saying that not only didn't she feel rejection at this, but that she felt even more connected to me, because she was in a very similar situation herself. Overall, she made me feel just like that, always: Accepted, appreciated, valued, supported. We were both thankful for having each other.
She would often talk of the need for her to find a job, and I had motivation to get out there and do my part in creating a future for ourselves.
Fast forward a few months. Something in her mind has changed. She talks to me about how she really doesn't want to get a job at all; ever. She wants to be a stay-at-home wife while the man is the sole provider. Then came a difference of opinion in whether watching pornography or having fantasies outside of one's partner constituted an infidelity or not. After that, she started looking for incompatibilities everywhere, things became a self-fulfilling prophecy, where she was generating impossible situations that could only end in her disappointment. Some issues could have been fixed so easily simply by working through them together, but I could tell she had given up on any and all effort. She just interpreted all these events as our relationship "not meant to be", instead of wanting to work on them.
The break up hurt, but what hurt even more was when, a few days later, and despite of knowing one part of my abandonment issues, she said she didn't even want to continue a friendship. One reason for this was that we're very similar and we have the same problems, so she considers that keeping in touch and supporting each other would keep us stuck in our problems instead of trying to improve upon them.
I hugely, hugely disagree with this. I think that people with similar problems (if STO oriented) can motivate each other to improve upon their shortcomings. But even more importantly, I find a foundation of love and understanding to be essential, and that it is precisely when someone feels unconditionally loved when that person becomes truly free to explore their full potential, without the unnecessary shackles of never feeling good enough, of always feeling the need to do this or that before considering oneself worthy of love.
I was motivated to look for a job when we were together, but she said that if we separate even in friendship and I feel zero motivation to go out there and get a job, that then I truly do not want to change for myself. While technically true, I believe that she's using wisdom in order to justify not giving the love that she had the choice of giving. While I believe in the importance of self-love, we as humans have certain needs. The need for acceptance, for social inclusion, for intimacy, for love, etc. Is it technically possible to find the love within and to radiate it, even when these needs are not met on the outside? I suppose it is possible. But the less we have these things on the outside, the less likely it is that we will find our radiance within. This is what I believe. We came here to radiate love, so that any person touched by love would have more resources to find their own inner radiance.
I don't want to use this abandonment (nor all the others I've experienced) as an excuse to give up on seeking my own love within... But I can't help but think that she made a very self-centered choice, that she could have stayed at least in friendship with me, and that we could have created something beautiful out of that, which could have been of support to us both. I can't help but feel some bitterness and resentment towards her. These feelings sometimes have turned into an acceptance, an unconditional kind of love that I've felt two times for just a small window of time, but it felt so pure and genuine, where it didn't matter what happened to me or what she did in relation to me. But other times the bitterness and the resentment come, along with the hopelessness. I know I need to work on my own perception of lack of love, and to learn to radiate this love from me, before I even consider forgiving her more fully. That's the end goal, but one step at a time. It feels so hard, though... I wish I had someone with whom to find mutual support, each believing in the potential of the other, rather than just walking away and telling themselves that I will just find on my own whatever resources I need, without regard as to what may happen if I don't manage to do that...
Technically, she has kept our lines of communication open. She told me to write to her through one website, if I am to do it. But when I asked how she would feel if I'm feeling really down and under the need to write to her, she said: "I would really prefer it if you didn't do it". I want to write to her to tell her some of these things, to leave them out in the open, and have that flow of blue ray energy. She wanted to say goodbye so quickly that in our last talk I could only think of some things to say. But I don't think I would be respecting her free will if I wrote to her.
I don't think I'm without resources. I have decent experience being mindful of my thoughts and present in the here and now, so that I don't get completely carried away by negativity. I have enough faith to believe that all of this may be happening for a reason. But this really really feels like such harsh catalyst to me... And I can't help but think that life is just going to be that for me; harsh catalyst, one right after another, with not enough positive events to counterbalance them.
Any thoughts are welcome. I feel I need some support, and to feel closer to a community. I think this is why I'm writing this.
Thank you for reading.